headlines this past week when Kanye West had some choice words for one another on twitter, but what better timing for all that to go down
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However, with Mr. West dominating the news cycle as Waves nears its date, Mr. West may have on last shot to take when Kanye West had some choice to went
With the relative anonymity of the internet, I'm comfortable sharing this. My story sucks. Always considered myself a really good looking guy, and always very sexual, with everything going for me as I was told by my family, friends, teachers, fellow students, coworkers, you name it. Every day I woke up with mixed feelings ranging from how I was somewhat disappointed in the results I was getting in life (no dates, no sex, no decent jobs at a significant number of days) to excitement that it's a new day and I'm gonna make something of it (going to college, applying for jobs, finding cute women to talk to) and over time, it started going more to the disappointing end. I was finding myself dateless, wondering how I could be so charming, but so perpetually single. I graduated from college a virgin. There were times I was shallow, and there were times I felt I had a serious connection and the other person just somehow was oblivious to it. I hired someone at age 25 to end it. About a week later I had my first outbreak.
So this sucks. A lot went through my head. Why me? I'm meant to be single. Now I still have basically no experience in dating or sex, which I still considered my favorite hobby the whole time even though I never even experienced it, and yet I have this unknown disease causing me to feel and look unpleasant in an area only one person touched intimately. What does it count for to be someone who has some potential and yet I'm working a horrible dead end job with a college degree and the economy sucks etc? Then there were times I was unemployed, had no one to talk to besides family, but no friends who were still around driving distance etc. I always stayed physically fit, addicted to exercise, rarely ever get sick...but dang the outbreaks were horrible, and I kept trying to deal with them and hoped they would stop because that's how I normally dealt with sickness.
After about 2 years of this I changed my mind and went to planned parenthood to see what they could do about the outbreaks. They wondered how the hell I dealt with this for 2 years, having outbreaks, no medication to suppress it. I was not having a good day, so I just said something like "Well life sucks and so does this virus. Shit happens and I just ignored it." They actually seemed surprised and prescribed me acyclovir.
Well, after taking it for a while, I started wondering why I didn't. No side effects, and I could drink coffee, consume chocolate milk, etc without worrying about it. After some time of this, it started setting in. Herpes is not a big deal, actually. I started genuinely believing it, and more importantly, fully knowing it for a fact. Cancer sucks. Herpes with proper treatment, is no longer even affecting me anymore. And I'm still desirable to the right person even on the off chance that somehow, a now asymptomatic virus would somehow pass through to another person. I went through some pretty crappy jobs, and finally found one that was reasonably permanent (it still sucked but at least I could pay rent and car insurance and food) and life came together again. Except for the dating thing. But at least I became open to it again.
So I started talking about a lot of these issues (except having HSV2) to a neighbor of mine. About working crappy jobs, liking to exercise, cooking and food in general, frustrations in dating because people aren't genuine, sometimes we'd have a beer or smoke cigarettes (I switched to ecigarettes which definitely helped cut back on the outbreaks btw) and this became a pretty daily thing. We went out to the bar with another friend of ours and at one point she told me "Only because you're so charming." She hinted at how she's looking for a guy who gets her situation and such. So one night I was working and figured I'm gonna see her when I get home because she's always there. So I better make out with her.
Well, she really liked me. I told her about my condition one night after about a week of us somewhat officially, but not officially together, dating..about my condition. How the odds are that it won't be transmitted but there are no guarantees. She didn't bat an eye. When I said the H word she said "Ok." So we had our conversation about it, she said she had a friend with that condition and understands it doesn't make you who you are, and there's a good chance it won't be transmitted. I did not tell her the exact timeline or anything about how I caught it exactly. Actually while we were friends I gave her a different story about how I was with 3 women in the past, lost my virginity at a later age but gave a different number than the real one. I told this to anyone when it came up to keep the details relatively private so that wasn't a personal thing towards her.
Well, one night we were cuddling, I got a bit excited. So we took things further. Really further. Like, we now live together as husband and wife, what's mine is hers and vice versa further. I also cleared things up at one point about the actual story, apologized for lying, and she understood. All she said is that "it happens don't worry" and we've been having some seriously mind blowing sex on a routine basis. Like, so good I ended up researching something called "simultaneous ejactulation" which I never even thought possible, or considered the possibility of, before I was with her. She still does not seem to have HSV2. She was tested about a year ago, and is due for another test. But at least we both know if she catches it we know what to do. I was initially really worried about giving it to her when I was uh, well, giving it to her, but that fear passed after a while.
Anyone still reading this might be in the boat I was in wondering how they'd meet someone else or find love. Well, it's beyond the physical stuff like what you look like, what you drive, what you do for a living, how much is in your bank account, and let's not forget "Through sickness and in health". Don't focus on the negative. Think about what you have going for you. You know someone who accepts you is a genuine person and you obviously have their interest. You've been through some hardship like I have, dealing with an overrated stigma. I know after all the crap life somehow put one person through and that person happens to be me (some of my hardest stories aren't even in this post) I ain't the weakling I once was. HIV, cancer, schizophrenia...those are diagnoses that change everything. Even a flare up didn't stop me from going to the gym and squatting over 300 pounds or going to work for 10 hours. All I know is, when we're together, there are no dark secrets; only dark stories. And it doesn't matter to us, because it's us.
This may sound ridiculous but it's a genuine fear I have. I'm about to get married in a few months however my fiancé has never actually seen me with a cold sore. I'm concerned of his reaction.
He does know I get them. One night we were at my parents' house and my parents brought up my embarrassment whenever I do get cold sores. He didn't say anything. I didn't see his reaction due to the fact I was staring at the ground hoping for some kind of escape from my awkwardness. I acted like it was no big deal but on the inside I just wanted to crawl under a rock.
Hes a great guy. Hence why I'm marrying him however I am scared of his reaction the first time he sees me with a cold sore. I'm not scared of him rejecting me and calling things off but more so just being grossed out by me. I'm clearly very insecure. Do you think maybe if I let him know how insecure it makes me feel that he would be more understanding? I'm not even sure how to bring up the subject.
So he knows I get cold sores but has never actually seen me with one. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and can offer advice/support?