Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group

Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'rant'.



More search options

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


Herpes Group Forums

  • Welcome - New Members
    • Just signed up? Say hello here!
    • Newly Diagnosed
    • Herpes Veterans
    • Personal Experience with Herpes
    • Connect with Other Herpsters
  • Living with Herpes
    • ♡ Dating and Relating
    • Spreading and Preventing Herpes
    • About My Outbreaks
  • Unsure???
    • Could I Have Herpes or Cold Sores?
  • Coping and Acceptance
    • The Secret to Our Success
    • Rant & Rave
    • Art & Poetry Corner
    • Keeping the Faith
  • Herpes Awareness
    • Herpes Treatment Zone
    • Herpes Cure Research
  • Other Herpes Topics
    • Everything Else Herpes!
  • New York State's Single females from NY state
  • Singapore / SEA's Meds
  • Singapore / SEA's Support Group
  • Heroes against Herpes's Pritlevir
  • Heroes against Herpes's Topics - Promoting Herpes Fund Raiser

Find results in...

Find results that contain...


Date Created

  • Start

    End


Last Updated

  • Start

    End


Filter by number of...

Found 6 results

  1. Hi everyone. I never thought I'd see the day that I would be posting in an online forum, let alone for this topic. I also never thought in a million years that I would get this. Im not really sure what to say on here, I just needed to say something. I was recently diagnosed positive for GHSV2... like "4 hours ago" newly diagnosed. I am still just in complete shock. It hasn't settled with me yet that I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. I already picked up my medication, Valtrex, and it took me a solid 3 minutes to even bring myself to swallow the pill, cause I had this deep sinking feeling, like "once I do this, it's for real... this is actually happening... this is actually my life now.. this isnt some terrible nightmare that Im going to wake up from." Ive already called my (new) boyfriend and broke the news to him. He was much more understanding than I had expected and is actually going tonight to get himself tested, so we can decide where to go from there. So I had my doctors appointment yesterday with a new gyno who upon immediately examining me came to the conclusion that what I had was herpes. I didnt want to accept it and continuously reassured her that it couldn't be that because I had just gotten tested in June and those results came back NEGATIVE. Or so I had thought... Apparently, my results in June did NOT come back negative, and in fact came back positive for HSV2, yet NO ONE called me to review these results or follow up with a care plan for me. I don't remember much from that time, but considering the fact that I have been living for almost 5 months now, unknowingly with this virus, tells me that IF/WHEN I had spoken to someone at that particular doctors office, than they must have told me that I showed negative for everything, because I went on living my life like I had nothing. Im not sure what the protocol is in different states, but for VA (where I live) the doctor usually calls you and states that "they received your results and then they proceed to read off said results for each test" over the phone. I know for a FACT, that I would have remembered being told that I was positive for ANYTHING back in June.. especially considering I usually get myself tested often at and take testing very seriously, since I always dreaded the thought of ever catching something. And now.... look where I am left!!! I feel incredibly hurt and angry that this office failed to discuss these results with me! I never received a paper copy of my results, no email, nothing. The only thing I ever received from that visit was a bill stating the amount of money I had left to pay after insurance, and what tests the charges were for. Had I known that I tested positive back in June, I would have NEVER exposed my boyfriend who I very much care about and saw a new future with. I will feel incredibly guilty if his results come back positive and come to find out that I AM the reason for his diagnosis. Im sorry this is so long, I just have so much inside me that I need to let out. Clearly, you can see I am incredibly angry at this. I feel immensely isolated. I feel dirty. I feel like no one will ever love me again. I feel like even if I find a new partner, how can someone willingly choose to be with a person who has herpes, when they are not infected themselves? Why would they subject themselves to that exposure when there are plenty of other people they can be with who aren't exposed? I have always had a poor self image, I'm incredibly self-conscious. I consistently, on a daily basis struggle with self esteem issues and self-worth... and now, to have this psychological trauma and burden to add on top of all of that?! I don't know how to live with myself and I feel like my world is falling apart and I would be better off dead, than have to deal with a lifetime of loneliness and misery that comes from this psychological pain I am going through. I know I keep reading that "this isn't the end of the world", and "things will get better", etc etc. but being as this is DAY ONE for me.... and I feel like this... I can't imagine having to feel this way EVERY DAY, for who knows how long... until I just feel completely numb from it. I guess when that day finally comes, it'll also be the day that I start getting over it and dealing with this. But from this point A until that point B... the thought of that time in between just feels like so MUCH to deal with. So much pain, and hurt, and sorrow, that I just don't want to feel. not right now, not for a few months, not ever. I can't be the only one who has felt this way. I am trying to be positive and divert my energy into researching this illness and finding support groups and forums like this, but I just need to know that I am not alone in this. I know for right now, that in my physical, every day life, the relationships/friendships I deal with in-person on a daily basis, I will be alone for the time being... but I really just need to know that I can, at least, find some support online... from others who understand me or have felt similar to what I am feeling right now.
  2. TheKittiesTitties

    KittiesTitties LIVES!!

    Hey guys, It's me "KittiesTitties" (my god, that is weird to say), I've since gotten a new page since I'm a dumbass and forgot my password. I pretty much just put THE in the beginning so yeah, I'm still here. Though I've had some rough days, I'm very much alive. Reading back on my post, I'm filled with a lot of hindsight emotion. Even though it was only about 5 months ago, my head is in a new place. I'm not gonna say a better place but different for sure. I've been reading up pretty much daily on treatments and "cures" and it's given me a level of comfort knowing something is going on to help people of our infliction. Steps are being climbed and we are a bit further than we were yesterday. I think mentally, I've began to build my armor and have began to dig my foxhole in this new life. I go longer periods without even remembering I have it. It only really comes up when I'm alone with my thoughts. If I stay busy and fill my time with family, friends, hobbies and work, I'm fine. Since I last posted in September, I had two OB's less than a month apart. I attribute that however to my alcohol intake around that time. I've since cut back on the hooch and have only had one more OB but it wasn't near as bad as the past ones. The suicidal tendencies that plagued me in the past have mostly subsided. I tend to be a little bitch sometimes I suppose. I've even been able to hang out with girls and get a little physical, though I draw the line once hands start going south. I usually use the line "I'm just going through some stuff" or "You deserve better" or even "If I fuck you, than I wanna be with you and that is just not in the cards". Problem now being, that just seems to turn them on more. Women are odd. But I digest... I really wanted to get back on mostly to THANK YOU to everyone who seen this and have left some very sweet words of encouragment and blunt words of wisdom. Hell, I even wanna thank the dude with the dementia wife who turned my story into a pissing contest (Hope you and your wife are doing good!) I tend to get into writing moods when I'm most vulnerable and you all helped me through that rough patch. THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU. I'll try and get on more often and keep in touch. It's kinda odd, I feel like I've made some new friends on here, even though we have never spoke. It's just good to know I have someone out there who knows what I'am going though. I'd say that's pretty bitchin'. Alright that's enough for now. Hit up my new profile for some new rants or hit me up if you wanna vent yourself. My virtual ears are always open! Sincerely, THE Kitties Titties Check out my last post called "BLACK FRIDAY"
  3. TheKittiesTitties

    Black Friday

    Originally posted September 2017 under the name "KittiesTitties" This is the first time i've come forward with this... To anyone or anything. So, I'll start it with a simple question for all of you: If you could go back in time, what would you change and would you change it? Most who would go back would take the chance to set their lives on a more stable path before winds of life change took hold or to reclaim a past that has slipped from ones grasp. Others who wouldn't change anything have since come to peace with their path and have come to the conclusion that things are the way they should be. It's very 'black and white', close the book question, right? If you have Herpes, it's not that easy of a question. That's where i'll start. I have Herpes. That is the first time I've seen this typed. This is my first time reading this to myself. However this isn't my first time trying to get it through my own head. Before this, I was in my bathroom, in the middle of yet another sleepless night. My eyes bloodshot with the stress and shame of the obvious self conclusion I had just reached. My cheeks swollen from a mixture of sadness and good weed I've been smoking to deal with my newly acquired burden. No amount of adulterant can make it any better. That hasn't slowed me down from thinking that however. I'm going down lists of research in my head of what the signs are and I'm starting to think I have all of them. I have some, I might as well have them all? I just stare at the reflection on the other side and ask, "Why?!" I feel my paranoid tongue inspecting my lips for nuisances. I know it's stupid to sit there and check and check again but I can't be too sure. I hear my room mates muffled voices on the other side of the door. They have no idea the hell that is occurring behind the turn of that door knob. Nor will they. Nor will anybody! I went to the doctor and he knows. That's already too many people in the know. I realize once I open the door, my old life with inevitably be present. After all, I have not changed. I still look the same (That is if nothing shows up on my lip). With a deep breath and a blocking of my feelings, I still act the same. Right? No one has any idea unless I say something? To me, that is the scariest part of the disease. It seems so easy to block it out and deal but really, its not. It devours you from the inside out. Even if you wanted to say something, there will be no more blocking it inside because when it spills out into the open, it's out there. Than who knows what one will do with the info. Either way, life is different. Life as you know it is ruined. Life as you precieve it will never be the same. That's it. Who do I tell? Should I tell? Will I ever be with someone? Can I ever tell them? Will it always hurt? Is that what nerve damage feels like? Is that an outbreak? Oh shit, did I remember to wash my hands?? Did I just touch my mouth while I was eating? Should I even talk to this girl? Is what I'm doing right? Maybe if I just use a condom, I won't ruin her life and she'll be okay?? Will I ever know peace of mind again?? Will there EVER be a CURE?! Will there EVER be a CURE?! WILL THERE EVER BE A FUCKING CURE?!?! That is my inner dialogue at pretty much every second of everyday since i was diagnosed. Sad, I know, but not uncommon I bet. You see, this shit show for me began on Black Friday 2016. I decided to go out with a friend and have a good time. Once my good time was up, I realized I locked my keys in my car. Rather than get a cab and go back the next day to get my car, I decided to stay, get totally hammered and try and find a girl to drive me home. When that failed and 3am crept up on me, I decided to hit up a girl I knew I should have stayed away from. We had tried out dating but she was fond of multiple men vying for her "love". Seeing it as a sure thing, I asked her for a 'ride' home. I remember vividly thinking while texting her "Dude, you know this chick is gross, right? But hey, it's been a while. If I catch something, It's only like $127 bucks for the clap treatment." $127. One Hundred and Twenty-Seven dollars. Now, do you remember my question from earlier? This is where it's relevance is felt. THIS MOMENT is when I wish I could go back. This singular thought changed the tredjectory of the rest of my life. If only I had a second chance to make the better judgement call. Well as you could imagine, things went accordingly. Once we got to my house, it was on. The odd thing that sticks out to me in hindsight, is how okay she felt letting me inside her knowing full well she had something that could ruin everything in my life. She enjoyed it if I remember right. I finished and suddenly she had to leave. As i look back, I can see now that this is probably when the shame and regret got to her. She never really hit me up after that. I woke up with a gnarly hangover and got a ride to my car the next day. Over the next few weeks, nothing really happened. I held out the idea in my head of going to the clinic, just in case but it wasnt priority. Never in my weirdest dreams did i think i would even come in contact with the dreaded H word. Ironically, I was at the culprits house when the first sign hit. And boy, did it hit. In my fucked up state, I thought about having another go with her. The last time, 3 weeks ago didn't seem so bad and she did dig it, why not? She spent the whole night playing hard to get. Than it turned into playing hard to even get to. Something was up. But before I could start trying to figure her out, something weird started to happen with me. It felt like the worst case of blue balls I've ever had. It was to the point where my tummy hurt. I excused myself to the bathroom and started to feel around. No swelling or obvious obstructions. I thought it was all in my head. That is when I lifted the skin flap on the top of my penis. There it was. At first, I thought "Thats a weird place for acne?" My optimism slowly faded when I realized this thing is getting bigger. It's starting to duplicate. It went from a pimple to spots than to open sores. I told her I had to go and hauled ass home to investigate further. The next week, I went to the doctor. He swabbed it and took a blood sample. The viral swab came back inconclusive which made me happy, but it was the blood test that was the real tell. The doctor kind of more or less danced around the matter till he finally laid it upon me and my waivering hope of a normal life. "You have tested positive for HSV-1 antibodies." You have antibodies, you have the disease, apparently. That pill was the most bitter one I've ever had to force down, although the disgusting acyclovair tablets they give me is a very close second. I came home in a fog. I was numb for the better part of a week. That wasn't the hard part though. God no. It was carrying on with my life that hurt the most. Yeah, I have open, pussing leisons on my penis and one single touch can infect anyone near me. But it's not like I could tell anyone. Nerve damage began to take hold, causing constant discomfort. No one knows. No one will, I hope. I have to constantly wash my hands and underwear. Not a word about it. Just the idea of talking to any woman, anywhere, has me terrified that I'll ruin her life and I'm gonna be alone with this forever. Still, Not. One. Single. Word. That was it. I'm all alone. Just me and my Herpes. I had it all planned out, even down to the minute. I was gonna wake up early. Have a nice breakfast with a cup of tea as the sun comes up. Have a nice morning drive with my windows down and music blarring my insecurities away, for just a bit. Lunch and a beer with a dear friend. Than go for a drive and hike up the mountain by myself. Once to the top, thats where the plan would unflold. I left the note in my unlocked car, tied the rope with one end tied to a tree. I slip my cowardess head in the loop and take one last breath, than one last look. Than one last step. That was it. As you can see, that plan didn't quite pan out. That's not to say it wont in the future but right than, I felt like I have some unfinished business. I cant go out knowing and thinking of what can still be. Why fall for the stigmas of this actually common virus when really, there may be a cure in the near future? Better yet, what can I do to help others in my shoes? How about others with their shoes in deeper waters than mine? Lots of questions, i know, but this has been my mind frame, not since diagnosis but rather since I wrapped my head around the fact that this is my life now. This is my disease. This is my burden. Sounds daunting and a bit sad, and it is, but the thing that sticks out is that it's still MY LIFE. It's not the herpes life. It can call it's shots all it wants but it's still MY body. My penis has since withered and become a shadow of its former self, but it's still MINE. The way I'm beginning to see it, is that this virus is just a shitty room mate that doesn't pay rent, coming and going as it pleases but with a little patience and hope, someday it will leave. I will have a normal life again. I will have a normal life again. I WILL have a NORMAL life again. I know my story sounds like a lot of others but It feels amazing to get this off my chest. To just type "I HAVE HERPES" has a bit of comfort with it. I don't like it but i can't deny it. I'm hoping you all enjoyed reading and I hope to be back on here soon to talk more with you. It's good to know there are others out there for me, even if it feels like my body is against itself. In conclusion, I would say if I could go back in time and change something, I would talk myself out of sending that girl that text asking for a ride home. I would keep my pants on and save it for someone who truly deserves to be in my life. But let's face it, that entire question I asked you in the beginning? It's bullshit... We cannot go back in time. You cannot stop change. Thank you all. Stay strong. We will have a cure! P.S. The feelings of suicide are always prevalent. It's easy to say I got through it the first time. However, they don't go anywhere so I ask you, please, Help me. I'am my own worst enemy. I don;t want to end my own life. I don't want to leave my family and friends like that but I still don't know what to do. I still need help...
  4. KittiesTitties

    Black Friday.

    This is the first time i've come forward with this... To anyone or anything. So, I'll start it with a simple question for all of you: If you could go back in time, what would you change and would you change it? Most who would go back would take the chance to set their lives on a more stable path before winds of life change took hold or to reclaim a past that has slipped from ones grasp. Others who wouldn't change anything have since come to peace with their path and have come to the conclusion that things are the way they should be. It's very 'black and white', close the book question, right? If you have Herpes, it's not that easy of a question. That's where i'll start. I have Herpes. That is the first time I've seen this typed. This is my first time reading this to myself. However this isn't my first time trying to get it through my own head. Before this, I was in my bathroom, in the middle of yet another sleepless night. My eyes bloodshot with the stress and shame of the obvious self conclusion I had just reached. My cheeks swollen from a mixture of sadness and good weed I've been smoking to deal with my newly acquired burden. No amount of adulterant can make it any better. That hasn't slowed me down from thinking that however. I'm going down lists of research in my head of what the signs are and I'm starting to think I have all of them. I have some, I might as well have them all? I just stare at the reflection on the other side and ask, "Why?!" I feel my paranoid tongue inspecting my lips for nuisances. I know it's stupid to sit there and check and check again but I can't be too sure. I hear my room mates muffled voices on the other side of the door. They have no idea the hell that is occurring behind the turn of that door knob. Nor will they. Nor will anybody! I went to the doctor and he knows. That's already too many people in the know. I realize once I open the door, my old life with inevitably be present. After all, I have not changed. I still look the same (That is if nothing shows up on my lip). With a deep breath and a blocking of my feelings, I still act the same. Right? No one has any idea unless I say something? To me, that is the scariest part of the disease. It seems so easy to block it out and deal but really, its not. It devours you from the inside out. Even if you wanted to say something, there will be no more blocking it inside because when it spills out into the open, it's out there. Than who knows what one will do with the info. Either way, life is different. Life as you know it is ruined. Life as you precieve it will never be the same. That's it. Who do I tell? Should I tell? Will I ever be with someone? Can I ever tell them? Will it always hurt? Is that what nerve damage feels like? Is that an outbreak? Oh shit, did I remember to wash my hands?? Did I just touch my mouth while I was eating? Should I even talk to this girl? Is what I'm doing right? Maybe if I just use a condom, I won't ruin her life and she'll be okay?? Will I ever know peace of mind again?? Will there EVER be a CURE?! Will there EVER be a CURE?! WILL THERE EVER BE A FUCKING CURE?!?! That is my inner dialogue at pretty much every second of everyday since i was diagnosed. Sad, I know, but not uncommon I bet. You see, this shit show for me began on Black Friday 2016. I decided to go out with a friend and have a good time. Once my good time was up, I realized I locked my keys in my car. Rather than get a cab and go back the next day to get my car, I decided to stay, get totally hammered and try and find a girl to drive me home. When that failed and 3am crept up on me, I decided to hit up a girl I knew I should have stayed away from. We had tried out dating but she was fond of multiple men vying for her "love". Seeing it as a sure thing, I asked her for a 'ride' home. I remember vividly thinking while texting her "Dude, you know this chick is gross, right? But hey, it's been a while. If I catch something, It's only like $127 bucks for the clap treatment." $127. One Hundred and Twenty-Seven dollars. Now, do you remember my question from earlier? This is where it's relevance is felt. THIS MOMENT is when I wish I could go back. This singular thought changed the tredjectory of the rest of my life. If only I had a second chance to make the better judgement call. Well as you could imagine, things went accordingly. Once we got to my house, it was on. The odd thing that sticks out to me in hindsight, is how okay she felt letting me inside her knowing full well she had something that could ruin everything in my life. She enjoyed it if I remember right. I finished and suddenly she had to leave. As i look back, I can see now that this is probably when the shame and regret got to her. She never really hit me up after that. I woke up with a gnarly hangover and got a ride to my car the next day. Over the next few weeks, nothing really happened. I held out the idea in my head of going to the clinic, just in case but it wasnt priority. Never in my weirdest dreams did i think i would even come in contact with the dreaded H word. Ironically, I was at the culprits house when the first sign hit. And boy, did it hit. In my fucked up state, I thought about having another go with her. The last time, 3 weeks ago didn't seem so bad and she did dig it, why not? She spent the whole night playing hard to get. Than it turned into playing hard to even get to. Something was up. But before I could start trying to figure her out, something weird started to happen with me. It felt like the worst case of blue balls I've ever had. It was to the point where my tummy hurt. I excused myself to the bathroom and started to feel around. No swelling or obvious obstructions. I thought it was all in my head. That is when I lifted the skin flap on the top of my penis. There it was. At first, I thought "Thats a weird place for acne?" My optimism slowly faded when I realized this thing is getting bigger. It's starting to duplicate. It went from a pimple to spots than to open sores. I told her I had to go and hauled ass home to investigate further. The next week, I went to the doctor. He swabbed it and took a blood sample. The viral swab came back inconclusive which made me happy, but it was the blood test that was the real tell. The doctor kind of more or less danced around the matter till he finally laid it upon me and my waivering hope of a normal life. "You have tested positive for HSV-1 antibodies." You have antibodies, you have the disease, apparently. That pill was the most bitter one I've ever had to force down, although the disgusting acyclovair tablets they give me is a very close second. I came home in a fog. I was numb for the better part of a week. That wasn't the hard part though. God no. It was carrying on with my life that hurt the most. Yeah, I have open, pussing leisons on my penis and one single touch can infect anyone near me. But it's not like I could tell anyone. Nerve damage began to take hold, causing constant discomfort. No one knows. No one will, I hope. I have to constantly wash my hands and underwear. Not a word about it. Just the idea of talking to any woman, anywhere, has me terrified that I'll ruin her life and I'm gonna be alone with this forever. Still, Not. One. Single. Word. That was it. I'm all alone. Just me and my Herpes. I had it all planned out, even down to the minute. I was gonna wake up early. Have a nice breakfast with a cup of tea as the sun comes up. Have a nice morning drive with my windows down and music blarring my insecurities away, for just a bit. Lunch and a beer with a dear friend. Than go for a drive and hike up the mountain by myself. Once to the top, thats where the plan would unflold. I left the note in my unlocked car, tied the rope with one end tied to a tree. I slip my cowardess head in the loop and take one last breath, than one last look. Than one last step. That was it. As you can see, that plan didn't quite pan out. That's not to say it wont in the future but right than, I felt like I have some unfinished business. I cant go out knowing and thinking of what can still be. Why fall for the stigmas of this actually common virus when really, there may be a cure in the near future? Better yet, what can I do to help others in my shoes? How about others with their shoes in deeper waters than mine? Lots of questions, i know, but this has been my mind frame, not since diagnosis but rather since I wrapped my head around the fact that this is my life now. This is my disease. This is my burden. Sounds daunting and a bit sad, and it is, but the thing that sticks out is that it's still MY LIFE. It's not the herpes life. It can call it's shots all it wants but it's still MY body. My penis has since withered and become a shadow of its former self, but it's still MINE. The way I'm beginning to see it, is that this virus is just a shitty room mate that doesn't pay rent, coming and going as it pleases but with a little patience and hope, someday it will leave. I will have a normal life again. I will have a normal life again. I WILL have a NORMAL life again. I know my story sounds like a lot of others but It feels amazing to get this off my chest. To just type "I HAVE HERPES" has a bit of comfort with it. I don't like it but i can't deny it. I'm hoping you all enjoyed reading and I hope to be back on here soon to talk more with you. It's good to know there are others out there for me, even if it feels like my body is against itself. In conclusion, I would say if I could go back in time and change something, I would talk myself out of sending that girl that text asking for a ride home. I would keep my pants on and save it for someone who truly deserves to be in my life. But let's face it, that entire question I asked you in the beginning? It's bullshit... We cannot go back in time. You cannot stop change. Thank you all. Stay strong. We will have a cure! P.S. The feelings of suicide are always prevalent. It's easy to say I got through it the first time. However, they don't go anywhere so I ask you, please, Help me. I'am my own worst enemy. I don;t want to end my own life. I don't want to leave my family and friends like that but I still don't know what to do. I still need help...
  5. cracked

    I’m done

    This might be a rant for me to just blow some steam, but I’m almost 3 months in and exhausted of everything. I still don’t know if I have this damn virus or not since I apparently was in the false positive range when I was tested in August and now the only place I can go to at the moment is a hospital since I have some financial help from them due to not having health insurance. All of the specialists like urology, infectious disease that I have to wait a month in between to see keep brushing me off and dismissing my request for a 2nd std panel now that it’s been 8 weeks. I keep getting UTI’s and have yet to come across a guy on this site that mentions anything similar to my problem. My urethral meatus is scaring the shit out of me because it keeps getting red and then less red and looks abnormal as hell now. I can’t even fucking masturbate anymore without it hurting in the end or having some sort of consequence the next day. How the hell can HSV even cause anything like that?! 3 months in and I still can’t get anyone to help me get back to having the normal life I should have and no doctor wants to diagnose me with an actual problem despite me having all these crazy ass gastrointestinal, urinary, respiratory, and even cardiovascular symptoms. I have always been a healthy individual with almost 0 health problems and I can’t even wake up every morning without urinary problems or feeling like complete shit. Being diagnosed with this paleolithic virus and at the same time getting all this crap is making me physically and mentally unstable. I’ve never in my life ever had thoughts of just disappearing completely or harming myself to end all this until now, but this is ridiculous. If this is HSV’s doing then I don’t know what damn strain I must’ve gotten to be dealing with all this. I’ve been tested for HIV as well as the person I was with and both results were negative. None of this makes any sense!
  6. jpg

    lost

    Hi all, I honestly don't know where to start. I can't say that I've never felt such extreme feelings before as I've battled PTSD for some time. I guess the difference being with the PTSD all I had to worry about is myself. Now with the HSV I'm constantly worried about everyone else. I was diagnosed in January, I was horribly ill. It started out with symptoms of a uti, that didn't worry me as it wasnt unusual for me to develop BV after sleeping with someone new. Then the fatigue and flu like symptoms set in, the burning whilst urinating. I kept going back to the doctors and with no visible sores they just kept testing my urine for uti's. A couple of days in I wound up at a women's hospital, it was here they decides to do an STD screening, though still with no visible sores they decided to go ahead and test me for HSV. With some antibiotics they sent me on my way in hopes that my uti would heal up and told me to call on the Friday for results, Friday came and I was still not any better.. I was worse! I called up and was informed that both chlamydia and gonorrhea tests were negative and they'd get back to me with the HSV results as soon as they came in. Ironically when I hung up the phone I turned to my friend relieved and said both negative and I'm not even worried about HSV, I must of been punished! By Friday night the uti had spread to a kidney infection, I was in extreme pain. Back to the hospital I went, though this time to the general ER. Due to family history of kidney stones my illness was taken very seriously and I was attended tp straight away. More tests were done and my high heart rate and temperature kept rising, despite great efforts to keep them under control. I was admitted and a series of tests were being ran, I got next to nothing sleep and had a severe reaction to the antibiotics that they had pumping in my body. The next morning the ED doctor walked in, as per usual he asked for a play by play of the events leading up to what made me attend the ER. After hearing what I had to say he then looked at me and said we have the results from the other hospital, " you've tested positive for genital herpes". I can't explain the feeling I felt at that point, the only words I could manage to muster up was I want to die, I didn't understand. I didn't have these sores that I had learnt about, I had a uti, a kidney infection. Not genital herpes. I couldn't comprehend what he had just said. He then got a female nurse to help explain all about it, though I don't even remember a word she said. That was it, it was time to go home. I hardly spoke the whole way home, I got home to get in the shower, I still couldn't believe it. I had to look I had to see! And there they were two tiny ulcer like lesions. No nothing leading up to these ulcers, I mean I was in the doctors every second day getting check that week. Not one of them saw any blisters! I rushed back to the women's hospital this time to get a script for antivirals and have another pep talk with a word not being heard. I was more worried that my mum would wonder why it was taking me two hours at the pharmacy where I told her I was going. I had to tell someone.. Anyone.. I called up my niece, barely getting a word out I broke down crying for the first time since hearing the diagnosis.. She was really supportive, though herself had lots of questions, I mean I couldn't answer them as even though my body was present when the virus was being explained to me, I was not. Driving home I was auto pilot, I couldn't bare the thought of going home and have my parents ask me why I was different.. At this point I was like a zombie, I pulled over at the top of my street and balled my eyes out.. Picked up my phone and dialed my best friend.. when she answered she knew something was wrong, I kept saying things like please don't hate me. I won't be able to cope if you hate me, and out came those words those very words the doctor had said hours earlier.. Although I was distraught with the love and support she gave me through that phone call I was able to go home as I thought I would deal with it tomorrow. I tried eating as I hadn't eaten in days but the thought of chewing the food made my stomach turn I didn't sleep that night or a few nights after that.. The next day though I was set to attend a friends child's birthday party.. It took all my might to get up and drive there, I wasn't even there half an hour before I had to leave. I couldn't bare the thought of people looking at me, I got away with leaving as I was ill with a kidney infection!.. Balling my eyes out on the way home I couldn't contain it, I pulled up into the drive way walked inside to where my mum was sitting.. She questioned why I had come home so early.. I couldn't contain it I had to tell her, as my mum is an older woman she didn't quite understand what it meant. Just that I had this virus for life and it was from sex, so she got to googling. Well of course that stupid scam website with the cure of eat this and drink that and it will be gone came up.. It took a lot of convincing to tell her otherwise! My dad arrived shortly after and I was petrified of telling him as he is very old fashioned, to my surprise he was very supportive and loving.. It was a relief though it still didn't take that feeling away.. All I could think was herpes herpes herpes, if I was given a dollar for everytime my mind has said that we'd all be living in mansions. Since then I decided to tell two other friends and my sister.. I feel great that they all have supported me with love but that doesnt change the anxiety that has taken over me. Since being diagnosed I've become more aware that people are ill and people have skin conditions.. Of course all of these skin conditions are a result of me transmitting herpes to my loved ones.. NOT REALLY! But try telling my irrarional mind that when its spiralling out of control.. I have become more isolated and past feelings from the PTSD trauma has come back to haunt me. Even though I know I will be happy one day and I will live a normal life I can't help but feel disgusting and ashamed. I haven't slept without pants on since being diagnosed as I feel like my sheets will be dirty, I can't hold my friends baby without washing my hands one hundred times! My nightmare's have returned, i havent had a proper nights sleep in months. I can't help but feel like I don't want to live anymore.. You may think I'm beingsilly and please no negative comments, I am dealing with a process that is much bigger then HSV. I know I am not a walking contagion, I know that HSV doesn't define me and I know that this is just a skin condition. That doesnt stop the constant crying and the disgust that i feel. This is my nightmare.. The nightmare that I don't think I can process. I'm sorry this post is so long. You may or may not have read it all, this post was more to get the burden of holding it inside off of my chest. If you read it right to the end, thank you. Any reply is much appreciated.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.