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rumstack

Does it take practice?

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rumstack

I was diagnosed with genital herpes 8 years ago when i was 20.

Back then i was much less scared of STD's, perhaps due to a lack of awareness, but i dont really suffer any problems with my herpes except for the occasional outbreak (every 6 months to a year or so, and even then a mild one).

Since that time, i have had multiple casual sexual partners to whom i have never informed my status, and one girlfriend who i told one month into an already sexual relationship. She was quite acceoting of it and we continued to see each other for about 6 months.

Due to the infrequency of my recurrences, i can honestly say that i "forget" i have herpes. I recently started to date a wonderful girl and we started having protected sex, which gradually moved towards unprotected sex.

Now, four months into our relationship i have suffered a small outbreak, but enough to remind me that i still have GH. I tried making excuses with her as to why i couldn't have sex, but i couldn't do it any longer and i told her last night that i have GH.

She took it surprisingly well at first but gradually descended into silence and anger towards me. I dont know where our relationship will go from here.

I mean, do you all think i am a pure C**T (sorry americans-the most offensive word in your language) for being lucky with the GH, not having recurrences and forgetting that i have it, while at the same time potentially putting another person at risk?

Or does it take some time and practice to getting used to telling new partners? I mean i really think from now on, nomatter what happens in this relationship, that i will inform all sexual partners beforehand. My girlfriend needs her time and space to think, which i totally understand, and i have grown so fond of her. I cant beleive that i have put her at risk but if nothing else i know that i dont want to have to go through this again.

I wish i had just told her at the start. Then if she liked me she would have stayed, if she didn't she would go, and if it was only because i have herpes, well farewell.

But now we both like one another and she feels like i have kept a secret from her and i am now faced with the prosepct of not only having infected somebody i really like, but also the fact that we may split up.

Anyway, as i asked before, does it take practice becuase i truly have the minimal of experince in the "informing a partner" department.

Glad to be part of this community guys.

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Shayna

I wish i had just told her at the start. Then if she liked me she would have stayed, if she didn't she would go, and if it was only because i have herpes, well farewell.

But now we both like one another and she feels like i have kept a secret from her and i am now faced with the prosepct of not only having infected somebody i really like, but also the fact that we may split up.

You really sum it all up in this paragraph. It's crucial to tell before you are intimate with someone.... Any relationship worth having has to be built on honesty and trust.

I hope things work out for the two of you! And I think you are right on in your new way of thinking, Tell someone before things get physical and they lost their choice in the matter.

Welcome to the forum

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ruinedbymistake

Well, you asked

Yes, you have been acting like a right C**T.

It doesn't matter how much it hurts or how horrible it makes our lives, we have to tell. Don't put other people's health on the line like that mate.

My life has taken a drastically different path recently because of someone like you who conveniently "forgot" about her condition. At least now you recognize that you have been acting irresponsibly and will do the right thing in the future. I still haven't gotten to the part where I have to tell someone special to me, but I haven't made the mistake of being intimate with her yet.

Reading through these forums, it seems like it doesn't really get any easier with practice. Many people say having some information about the disease for them to look through is important. I would also say, don't do it at an emotional time, don't do it in public, don't do it in bed, try not to get too emotional yourself. Just like you noted, the important thing is letting them know up front. If you wait until after sex, you're basically doomed, even if they don't catch anything from you. But then again, what the hell do I know?

I hope it works out for you and your girl...

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chay5

Well, we all understand that now you have some pangs of conscience about not telling your girlfriend about your herpes earlier...

I must have caught herpes from one of my ex-boyfriends and I had only longer term relationships. I think they had no symptoms and I think they didn't know they had herpes. Nevertheless, I was also asking myself the following question: what if they knew but didn't tell me? And I have to tell you that I don't care, for me these relationship were worth it and I would not have left them because of this. Actually, since it seems that years passed before I had any symptoms, I am also kind of grateful they didn't tell me (if they knew) because in this way they spared me years of worrying and looking fo symptoms...But that's me, I always look for positive in everyhting.

There also are some people who seek revenge after being infected and really blame/accuse the person who infected them. So reactions vary. It is hard to say what is going on in your girlfriend's head now: is she worried about you, is she scared for herself, is she mad at you that you didn't tell her before?

I have decided to always disclose my herpes to a potential partner. I have done it a couple of times already with rather not-so-scary results. The first guy didn't believe me (:confused:), the current "boyfriend" says he doesn't care at all - he just waived his hand and said, it's fine, he is fine with it. Later he explained to me that his friend's wife had herpes and was so scared of infecting her husband that their sex life went down to zero and then she broke up with him and ended up depressed. His friend was depressed. too, until one day he had a breakthrough and made a decision: he found her, told her it didn't matter, took her back home and told her they would have normal unprotected sex and he is fine if ge gets herpes or whatever. Afterwards they had normal relationship with normal sex and a few chlidren and are still happy together. They just moved herpes to where it belongs and it's not on the front page. They rejected herpes totally as anything scary that is going to control them.

The main reason why people do not disclose having herpes to their partners is becasue they are afraid of rejection. But, as you can see, rejection is not the only or the most frequent reaction. We should really look at herpes like at what it is: a pimple or a few now and then, not the end of life. If 90% of herpes carriers do not even know about it and lead happy lives, why shouldn't we? If we put herpes in its "back" place in our lives, we wouldn't have any problem to mention it to our partners. The right order is not herpes first, then me, my education, my personality - it is rather Me first, my personality, my education, my looks, whatever, my interests, my sense of humor, my culinary skills, lots of other things and then herpes comes somewhere in the end of the list together with occasional constipation or hiccups. It's not the BIG thing we have to mention, it's just one of the things we decide to mention, that's all.

I hope your girlfriend will come back to you and everything will be fine. Next time, do not be afraid to disclose that you have herpes before you have sex with someone. Don't believe that it is the only and the most important thing you have to say about yourself and don't make it sound like it because it is not, just make it a part of many things you would like the other person to know about you before you get more intimate.

If anybody says no to herpes, let it be. For me apparently herpes is not relationship breaker, snoring is :-D I can live with a man with herpes but I cannot live with a snorer - I really cannot sleep next to a guy who snores. Well, maybe someone else can fall asleep next to a snoring person, but herpes would bother them - or smoking - or fast driving

Good luck to you and remember to do the right thing :)

:D

I was diagnosed with genital herpes 8 years ago when i was 20.

Back then i was much less scared of STD's, perhaps due to a lack of awareness, but i dont really suffer any problems with my herpes except for the occasional outbreak (every 6 months to a year or so, and even then a mild one).

Since that time, i have had multiple casual sexual partners to whom i have never informed my status, and one girlfriend who i told one month into an already sexual relationship. She was quite acceoting of it and we continued to see each other for about 6 months.

Due to the infrequency of my recurrences, i can honestly say that i "forget" i have herpes. I recently started to date a wonderful girl and we started having protected sex, which gradually moved towards unprotected sex.

Now, four months into our relationship i have suffered a small outbreak, but enough to remind me that i still have GH. I tried making excuses with her as to why i couldn't have sex, but i couldn't do it any longer and i told her last night that i have GH.

She took it surprisingly well at first but gradually descended into silence and anger towards me. I dont know where our relationship will go from here.

I mean, do you all think i am a pure C**T (sorry americans-the most offensive word in your language) for being lucky with the GH, not having recurrences and forgetting that i have it, while at the same time potentially putting another person at risk?

Or does it take some time and practice to getting used to telling new partners? I mean i really think from now on, nomatter what happens in this relationship, that i will inform all sexual partners beforehand. My girlfriend needs her time and space to think, which i totally understand, and i have grown so fond of her. I cant beleive that i have put her at risk but if nothing else i know that i dont want to have to go through this again.

I wish i had just told her at the start. Then if she liked me she would have stayed, if she didn't she would go, and if it was only because i have herpes, well farewell.

But now we both like one another and she feels like i have kept a secret from her and i am now faced with the prosepct of not only having infected somebody i really like, but also the fact that we may split up.

Anyway, as i asked before, does it take practice becuase i truly have the minimal of experince in the "informing a partner" department.

Glad to be part of this community guys.

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mymummy1

I have had not had many partners since I was first diagnosed with Type 1. I think since I never had an OB since the initial one, I was never really well educated on how easily it could spread. I was dating a guy last year and didn't say anything, until I starting feeling a possible OB coming on. I was very quick to tell him, and he took it very well...especially since he neglected to tell me his previous girlfriend had herpes as well.

Fast forward to now and I have met another great guy, but was not upfront with him about my H before having oral sex. After the first time we did have oral sex though I told him about my H and he has sort of freaked, which is understandable. This past week I have read more articles than I did in all og my college years combined! I feel so much more well-informed about this, and feel horrible that I have lost what seems like a great guy all because I didn't say something from the start. I try and tell myself that if anything this experience has been a learning one where I have learned a lot about the virus, how to take precautions, and most importantly the value of telling your partner upfront. I know that if I were in his shoes, I would be pretty pissed off myself and would not want to have a relationship with me just for the pure fact of not having been honest up front. As of now, I have had 1 good response and 1 not so positive response to having H...I just hope that now that I have learned from this mistake, I will find someone who is willing to accept me for me, which includes having herpes!

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stewart

well I'm glad you have now seen how important it is to disclose, no matter how difficult it may be...

I take this stance: I KNOW I have something that could infect my partners and it's my responsibility to tell them if I think this is a relationship that may ultimately lead to sex (and I think most of us on this board would have loved to have had the opportunity to decide for ourselves what level of risk we were willing to take had our partners either known they had the virus or chose to tell us - but I do believe that most people truthfully do not know they have it - I certainly didn't!)

Educating people about the fact that STD tests do NOT screen for HSV is a huge eye opener for most... I also feel that if you choose to be with me, you know what you're getting yourself into - I will help to educate you as best as I can, but ulitmately, it's your choice what level of risk you are willing to take. If this is something you're not willing to pursue, while it may hurt me to be rejected, I have to respect your decision. And if that's the case, you probably weren't someone I'd end up being in a long term relationship with anyway. But I also remind my partners that most people they will have sex with moving forward wouldn't know if they had the 'erpes so even if they get a clean STD screen, they still might have HSV and expose you. It kinda puts things into perspective for them...

The woman I am dating now was so unbelievably supportive - she said that the disease did not define me, that this could have happened to anyone and any good person worth being with would recognize that. My previous girlfriend and I had been together for over two years - more likely than not, I probably had the virus while we were together - and she never had an OB, although she refused to go for a screen after I found out I had it, saying that a) she has no health insurance and B) she'd truthfully rather not know... but she continued to have sex with me even after we broke up and I did my best to protect her when I knew an OB was on the horizon. And finally, the woman who brought this whole thing to light (when I unknowingly passed it along to her) - was so great about it. She said that she didn't believe for a second that I'd ever purposely put her at risk and that this was a chance that we both took so she couldn't blame me... the relationship didn't work out but we remain friends and she holds no ill will towards me...

the bottom line - I hope you and your girl can work this out, but if not, lesson learned and moving forward, you will handle this much differently. It may be hard to have the conversation, but the stress of not telling - especially if this is someone you want to be with long term - is worse!

Good luck!

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bluefrog

If your girlfriend walks.....you deserve it. At least you know what you need to do from here on in. Good luck.

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Lifeislife

You're kidding, right?

No one could "forget" they have herpes. Stop trying to give yourself some sort of justification for your behavior. I'm glad you are actually seeing the light but it is a god damn shame for how many women you have exposed in the process.

If you can't disclose to a potential partner, stock up on porn and deal with it. You have no business passing out a venerial disease like candy on Halloween. No one does. It's selfish and immoral.

I really hope you do learn to stand up for yourself and do the right thing from now on...but not just because "you" might lose out on a decent girlfriend if she finds out later or "you" might have to deal with repricussions or confrontations, but because you actually give a shit about your fellow human being, IE the women you decide to stick it to.

Good luck. I'm not sure how much draw there is for me to post these forums anymore. Didn't expect to be on the same page as the type of shit stain that infected me.

I'm sorry everyone.

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chooseyourbattles

Well, now that you have come to the conclusion that you will tell, I believe that a weight is going to be lifted off your shoulders. You will never have to worry about anyone figuring it out anymore. Living in fear is a terrible thing.

This is a good time to come out of the herpes closet, I think. Herpes doesn't seem to have the bite that it used to, in a lot of circles anyway.

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cellardoor

yes, you are a dick. especially since its more common for a man to pass it to a woman than vice versa.

sorry if that came off harsh. i'm currently struggling telling someone i've been talking to over the last few weeks and we haven't slept together.

all i'm saying is, i wish the person who gave it to me had said something. if they didn't know, they didn't know. but if they did and didn't say anything, that's just unfair and messed up.

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