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Temp-User

Say NO to sex with infected partners

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Temp-User

My ADVICE!

If I didn't have herpes I would never risk hooking up with someone who did.

It just seems like the safe rational choice. I cant' blame them.

Care to disagree?

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sadpuppy

i've been with my bf for 3 years- i just found out ive got ghsv1- he doesnt have it... so anyway ive told him, and he seemed ok with it but needs time to think- which i understand, but if he comes bk and says he doesnt want to be with me, is he right to do that? its difficult to say what i would do in his position, ofcourse its easy to say 'yes, id stay with him', because i have first hand experience of what its like to have it!

should you need to think about it if u love someone as much as he said he does?

until i found this out our relationship has been very happy, we both thought we were together for good and were very in love. i could understand if id just met him and we werent in love, but ive had it this all these years and so nothings really changed, apart from having the knowledge of it...

what do u think ??

because its type 1 does this mean its less likely to spread and/or reoccur?? thats what the nurse told me but to be honest she didnt seem very knowledgeable.

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marriedwchildren

Yes, I tend to disagree, I have ghsv1 from my hubby who has had a history of cold sores his whole life. I was never exposed because of all the testing I had done when I had my hysterectomy. Including herpes testing. I am married 24 years and yes it was a total shock when I became infected this past December, BUT we have unprotected sex and he has never had any symptoms down under. Because if someone already has type1 orally the chance of me passing back to him is slim to none. You cannot ping pong the same virus back and forth to each other. So my arguement is this, first you need to find out with all new partners their herpes status, if you have type 1 genitally and they have it orally then you are safe to have a normal sex life. Where it gets complicated is if you have type 2 herpes and your partner does not have the antibody to that type then yes you can pass it to them, but there is suppressive therapy that can help the shedding of the virus be lower. Future partners need to be informed and when they are then it is their choice to leave or stay but having ghsv1 is not that bad when looking for a new partner because 80% of the population already has this virus. So sex is a mute point. Take care.

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gotitsowhat

Love is hard to find

My ADVICE!

If I didn't have herpes I would never risk hooking up with someone who did.

It just seems like the safe rational choice. I cant' blame them.

Care to disagree?

I know I would never want to have a casual fling or overnighter with someone with any disease I might catch including herpes.

But, if I found someone wonderful, someone who would make a good long time partner, someone who truly cared about me...that is not an easy thing to find in this world. There would be few risks I would not at least consider for such a person. Herpes seems a small risk indeed, and a very manageable one (avoiding sex during outbreaks, using protection, taking meds) so I would definitely consider risking it for someone I cared deeply about.

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HG08
I know I would never want to have a casual fling or overnighter with someone with any disease I might catch including herpes.

But, if I found someone wonderful, someone who would make a good long time partner, someone who truly cared about me...that is not an easy thing to find in this world. There would be few risks I would not at least consider for such a person. Herpes seems a small risk indeed, and a very manageable one (avoiding sex during outbreaks, using protection, taking meds) so I would definitely consider risking it for someone I cared deeply about.

I have to agree with Brainyblonde!

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helied2me

I agree with Brainy also but saying no to someone with herpes is easier said than done considering not too many people are even going to discuss STD's let alone ask for proof of being clean before engaging in sex.

It's easy to say no when you see symptoms but most people get herpes when the person doesn't have symptoms.

For me personally, if I were single I wouldn't knowingly want to risk contracting it if I felt I wanted future relationships. I might feel differently if I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with that person but in hindsight, I've been married for 25 years next month and I honestly don't feel the same way about my husband that I did 29 years ago.

Knowing what I know now because I was forced into learning about it, I would not want to risk it but I also wouldn't be condescending toward someone with HSV.

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MsLucy

"I might feel differently if I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with that person but in hindsight, I've been married for 25 years next month and I honestly don't feel the same way about my husband that I did 29 years ago."

Who does, honey? ;)

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Mulatta

now that i'm on the opposite side, and the one who has it, i would say no to someone if i found out they had it and i didn't. it really isn't worth the risk. unless your actually in a relationship and then find out that person ended up getting it, that's a little different and another story

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Soraya1

It is posts like this that make many carriers of HSV want to slit their wrists and give up. What was your point in posting that, by the way?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but heck, people with herpes do not need to hear that attitude.

This site is a great resource, with some lovely people on it who are very supportive, but i look to it less and less these days, because to be honest, a lot of people on here perpetuate the general feeling that having herpes makes you a leper.

IT DOES NOT. Perspective please. It is not life-threatening. It is manageable. Carriers are not dirty nor is it any reflection on their sexual behaviour.

We catch this because we are unlucky. The decent ones on here tell all partners before engaging in any physical activity. I am so careful re: being a carrier, and have never slept with anyone if I thought there was a chance I was going to have an outbreak, or if I was recently getting over one. 6 lovers –*all long-term - and as far as we are aware, not one of them has contracted it from me. Heck, some of them may even be carriers anyway but without symptoms.

And to answer the question, yes, I would sleep with someone if they told me they were a carrier, because I have some perspective on this virus. I only enter into sexual relationships with men I trust anyway, and by telling me they have it, they are already earning some trust.

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MsLucy

I have to agree with Soraya1. Temp-User, you obviously seem bitter about having contracted herpes, and I'm sorry for that, but that doesn't make everyone with herpes responsible for your misfortune.

Perhaps you should put some effort into trying to put this into perspective for yourself. Stop seeing yourself as damaged goods, which you're not, and maybe you'll stop seeing the rest of us as damaged goods as well. Try to envision yourself as worthy of love and affection, and you'll see the rest of us as the same. We are a reflection of how you see yourself, and right now that reflection seems pretty distorted. The virus is only a tiny fraction of the whole person you are. When you look in the mirror, don't let it be all that you see.

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Temp-User
You cannot ping pong the same virus back and forth to each other. So my arguement is this, first you need to find out with all new partners their herpes status, if you have type 1 genitally and they have it orally then you are safe to have a normal sex life. Where it gets complicated is if you have type 2 herpes and your partner does not have the antibody to that type then yes you can pass it to them,

Is this true? I thought you could get it over and over again, as outbreaks tend to form in the same area, you can spread the virus to other areas of your body, like your eyes etc... and you can ketch other mutations of the virus and get an outbreak worse than the current infection.... This is wrong?

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chay5

There are mutations and probably it's possible to get another - maybe worse strain, however, there are no tests available now that would differentiate between strains of HSV2 and HSV1 so it is pointless to worry about this.

There are lots of people who would not be scared by possibility of being infected and who would not be afraid to be in a relationship with us. Please keep in mind that 80-90% of herpes carriers do not have any symptoms, so having herpes doesn't mean any inconvenience for them.

The rest can be inconvenienced by an outbreak from time to time, in most cases this OBs can be very minimal and not painful at all. So having herpes does not have to be such a big deal - apparently it isn't because herpes testing is not even included in standard STD testing. Herpes does not make anybody barren/sterile, does not cause any internal organ damage or mental complications like syphilis can. In most cases it is an asymptomatic or manageable skin condition.

Like one of my doctors said, learn about herpes, but be careful not to read too much because you will end up blowing it out of proportions and it will become more than it actually is;).

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Angel Eyes

Well

I have to reply to this, though, it was disconcerting to read. One of my attorneys--I have 2 for my lawsuit (read legal post if you don't know my story) has had herpes for 30 years. She has been married to her husband for 28 years---he has never gotten herpes and to this day is negative.

The RIGHT person will NOT care about herpes. period.

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Gonnabealright

Yeah my sister has HSV 2 and has been married to her husband for about 25 years and he has never been infected.

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shy_girl

I don't understand people who say they wouldn't want to have a casual fling or overnighter with someone who has Herpes. I wouldn't want to have a casual thing with ANYONE and I'll tell you why...if you are with someone for one night or a casual relationship, how much do you expect that person to actually care enough about you to be honest about any potential STD he or she has? I doubt they will be...Unless they are a really good friend of yours and then it's not likely to be "casual." You can get HPV much easier than Herpes and that has the potential to cause Cancer. Most men don't even know they have HPV. Many people who practice casual sex also practice a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I think everyone in this day and age needs to be careful who they sleep with whether or not that person has Herpes.

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shy_girl
It is posts like this that make many carriers of HSV want to slit their wrists and give up. What was your point in posting that, by the way?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but heck, people with herpes do not need to hear that attitude.

This site is a great resource, with some lovely people on it who are very supportive, but i look to it less and less these days, because to be honest, a lot of people on here perpetuate the general feeling that having herpes makes you a leper.

IT DOES NOT. Perspective please. It is not life-threatening. It is manageable. Carriers are not dirty nor is it any reflection on their sexual behaviour.

We catch this because we are unlucky. The decent ones on here tell all partners before engaging in any physical activity. I am so careful re: being a carrier, and have never slept with anyone if I thought there was a chance I was going to have an outbreak, or if I was recently getting over one. 6 lovers –*all long-term - and as far as we are aware, not one of them has contracted it from me. Heck, some of them may even be carriers anyway but without symptoms.

And to answer the question, yes, I would sleep with someone if they told me they were a carrier, because I have some perspective on this virus. I only enter into sexual relationships with men I trust anyway, and by telling me they have it, they are already earning some trust.

Very well said.

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foreversingle

Been There

So..years ago, I started dating someone and before we moved to far he let me know he had Genital Herpes and I had to think did I want to move forward with this or not. I will be honest, I was afraid that I would get it and not for the infection but because if we didn't last, I didn't want to have "the talk". What I ended up choosing was to stay with him, find other ways to have an active sex life without taking it all the way and to wash hands afterwards. Basically, be creative sexually until I knew the relationship was going towards marriage.

Now fast forward several years, the guy is no longer in the picture and low and behold, I have herpes (HSV-1) and who knows probably had it even back then. So, the question you need to ask yourself is, do you REALLY know what your status is (I didn't and I was faithful about getting tested for what I thought were all STDs) and with the percentages of being what they are, you are more likely to have it then not.

No one can tell you hey go ahead have sex with someone with Herpes! But, the fact of the matter is unless you ask for RECENT paperwork, everytime you have sex with or EVEN kiss someone, you are going to put yourself at risk.

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Shayna

I love this quote! "Stick to the facts and you won't get confused".

When people are talking about herpes and all of the herpes related issues , this board then serves it's intended purpose.

If people want to discuss other worldly subjects, I'm sure there are other discussion boards on the internet to do just that.

I'm not trying to start anything with you, angeloftheair. Trust me!

But I don't understand why it bothers you to give emotional support to those who desperately need it and came here searching specifically for it? It's not just a "feel good trip". There's a need for it.

I realy think some of your causes would be better served on boards that are intended for those specifis topic discussions. You contribute greatly to the technical, alternative healing here...Keep bringing the related topics.

Your friend, Shayna

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Shayna
Yes I agree this board is for emotional support.

However I do feel some people take it way to over board with herpes and it certainly does add to the stigma.

Yes I am being a bit unfair in my previous post but prefer to be pro active rather than reminis about what i've got and how i got it.

I understand, and it can feel exhausting going over the same thing again and again.

I try to see how long someone's been affected by the virus and give them space to wrap their head around it.

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