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late bloomers

who did u tell

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late bloomers

another question on wondering what happened

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i belong to another site and the herpes issue came up. i made a post to it where i stated that the dr told me to keep my mouth shut about telling all my friends about having herpes. i had suggested to him that i thought i should tell them to give them a choice as to whether they wished to remain friends with us, or not. he said they do not have to know unless i was sleeping with them. my question is did u tell all u'r family and friends about having herpes. if so how was the reaction, and how many friends did u loose when u told them. thanks, again d&j

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marriedwchildren

Late bloomers,

First and for most i am sorry that you are afflicted with this virus. i do know your pain, I am 43 and was just diagnosed with ghsv1 from my hubby of 24 years. We still have an active sex life(unprotected) because we both have the same strain of herpes virus him orally me genitally and it is very rare to give him the virus in his genitals since we both have the same type. Now back to your question who did I tell. Honestly I told no one, I agree with your Doctor your friends do not need to know squat, unless you plan on sleeping with them;) And from your post that is not an option. So I do not believe you should say anything to them unless you feel you can trust them. I wish some days i had a friend i could confide in, but I do not, my best friend is my Mom and even though she gets cold sores she is of the old school thinking that anything related to sex(STD) should not be talked about no way. And even to this day 43 years later I have always wanted approval from my Mom. ( she was not the type to show much affection when I was a child) so for me to tell her I have herpes would disappoint her and i do not think I could handle that. So long story short. If they don't ask don't tell.:D Take care and keep your chin up.

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chay5

Herpes is your personal private condition that you do not need to bring up until you plan to have sex with anyone. Of course, if you have HSV1, do not kiss your friends/relatives/lovers or anybody at that time - let it heal.

It is not necessary to disclose herpes to your friends - you have to learn to deal with it first. Do you discuss absolutely everything with your friends? If you feel like talking about it - talk to us and to your therapist first:D.

Once you are "comfortable" with your condition, sure, if you still feel you should disclose it to your friends- you can do that. At that time you can also explain to them that 80% of population carries HSV virus and recommend that they test themselves with Herpes Select Type Sensitive HSV1-HSV2 IgG test. I have not heard about any friends abandoning their friends because of herpes. But there might be some gossiping going on as the result. Also, some people (esp mothers-fathers) they can take it hard so that's another thing to consider: why do you want to disclose it? Are you looking for acceptance, for support, for trouble ;)? Do you want to dump the news on them to shake them up? Or are you yourself a herpes-racist and you just do not understand how anybody can be friends with people with herpes - ???

dr told me to keep my mouth shut about telling all my friends about having herpes. i had suggested to him that i thought i should tell them to give them a choice as to whether they wished to remain friends with us, or not

Your question bothers me - perhaps before you were one of those people who thought other people with herpes are outcasts? Why would it even occur to you to ask such a question and speculate whether your friends dump you because of this? Why do you think they would do that? Would you have done that?

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Shayna

I'm thinking his question came from a place of not being sure exactly how the virus is transmitted, and wanting to give his friends the benifit of "not being exposed" rather than "not being their friend".

I don't think I've witnessed a newbies post were someone came here knowing much about the virus, or feeling good about having it. Infact, I think most of us come here freaked out because we do have some sort of Virus-racism going on. We end up accepting it because we have to.

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chay5

Of course, people who have most difficulty dealing with their herpes diagnosis are people who looked down on other people with herpes. And now they got it themselves and they feel like they don't have a leg to stand on.

I am against virus-racism. I want people to show common sense and evolve towards virus-indifference or virus-curiosity or whatever. But out with virus-racism:!:.

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late bloomers

chay 5, i love my friends and would absoulty hate to maybe be responsible for them ending up with the virus. we r just trying to learn how to be safe around them so it doesn't happen. that is why i wanted to give them the chance to flee, or stay. i'm 64 years old and have seen many friends die from cancer and accidents thru the years, and the lifestyle i used to lead i'm also lucky to still be here. after what all i have seen, and been thru in life if herpes is the only issue i have to worry about, then i can accept it, and be thankful that it happened this late in life. sure as hell don't have to like it. i am also not predjuice toward folks with herpes or any other disease. thanks, for all the responses. d&j

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chay5

You cannot infect your friends with genital herpes unless you have sex with them, - so if you don't have sex with them - you are not putting them at any risk.

If you have sores on your lips - do not kiss anyone at that time - but I guess that's pretty obvious. As you may know by now, about 80% of population has HSV1 anyway - so superficial kissing in social situation when sores are not present -is not so dangerous. If all your friends get tested for herpes, 80% of them will be positive for HSV1.

You are putting your friends more at risk when you have a cold or a flu - that can really spread fast -

Herpes does not spread that easily so you can relax- once again - you are not putting the people you interact with at risk - unless you have sex with them

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chay5
i'm also lucky to still be here

We are all lucky to still be here :D:D:D

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gotitsowhat

Aging hippy tells all

I know what it is like to be in the closet about herpes and you can read my story under the Autobiography section.

But I am out of the closet about it now and have told all of my friends and asked them to PLEASE gossip about me to everyone who knows me because I want everyone of my acquaintance to know about it. Of course, I am not married, so my situation is different, I am single and hoping to possibly date people in my crowd so I want them to know. That way, if I go out with anyone in my crowd, I will not have to have "the talk" if things turn intimate. Also, all of my friends are old hippy pals who have lived through the 60s with me and several decades since so I know what their attitude toward this will be; my friends do not see this virus as a badge of shame. In fact, they have been wonderfully supportive and I have, of course, discovered that a few of them have herpes, too.

My own view is that no one needs to tell anyone else about this virus unless you are going to get close enough to give it to them--and for GH, that means having sex with them. For the mouth cold sore kind of herpes, I think that it's enough not to kiss them when you have it but common sense dictates this behavior in any case.

So...disclosure is up to you. But since you are married, I see no reason to tell anyone if you don't want to because it doesn't affect them.

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late bloomers

brainyblonde, thanks for the input. i hope u find u'r soulmate as i have found mine. c:D couse it took 5 times to do it,:eek: so never ever give up hope. best of luck to u. guess since i'm 64 i fit in there some place with u in the same era, just in a different part of the country DETROIT:confused: THANKS, D&J

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MsLucy

I like the picture of the two of you on the bike. My partner and I (also past middle age) take off on his motorcycle every chance we get. I love it. I always feel out of place when we stop for a beer at the biker bar, though. I think it's because I have too many clothes on, but i'm considering buying one of those leather bra things, and getting a tattoo on my boob. Just kidding!!!... at least about the leather bra. And if I do decide to get a tattoo, it won't be on my boob. It will be on something I know isn't going to droop down 6 inches in the next 20 years, if i can just figure out what that is. :-?

Oh, and I don't think you need to tell anyone except the person you're physically involved with, either. I haven't told anyone except my partner, and he's the one I got it from, so that was no big deal. We both felt bad for a few days, then moved on. Now it's just a thing, like so many other things in life.

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late bloomers

wrirercll, we got a bang out of u'r post. go for it honey! as i said i'm too damn old for a midlife crisis. 2nd childhood all the way. if u got it flaunt it if u desire, then get u a leather bra. j has a few of them, but doesn't wear them due to her pain patches, and her port showing.:( she also has a tatooe on her hip. my name with some roses got a few yrs back. she's 61 so u can do the math. :D when we go to the nudist places she'll wear a top to cover patches and port. we don't drink but still stop at the bars when we r riding with friends that do. see u live in va, pray all is well with u after the storms mon. thanks again, d&j

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Veronica

Herpes goes public: me having herpes does'n t affect others; herpes in itself does!

Herpes is your personal private condition that you do not need to bring up until you plan to have sex with anyone.

When I found out that:


  • Close to 20% percent of the people in the Netherlands carry the herpes virus;

  • 90% of these people do not know they carry this virus, because they are a-symptomatic carriers;

  • Even though you don't show any symptoms of herpes; you can still spread this virus;

  • A condom may not prevent herpes transmission; because it is transmitted through direct skin contact with visible or nonvisible infected skin AND the infected skin might not be covered by the condom;

  • We are not tested on herpes when we take a standard STD test.

All in all I think facts listed above are reason enough to tell everyone about herpes. In preventing the statistics adding 12000* new herpes patients next year. (*On a population of 16000000 people)

I got infected with herpes type 1 on the genitals through my first love, an a-symptomatic carrier; but did not know I had herpes until I had my blood tested after being infected with type 2 on the genitals last november, again through an a-symptomatic carrier.

After being infected with type 1 I suspected something was wrong because it did not seem normal to me having a apht-like something on my perineum. But because this thing only showed up when having someting with lactose in it; my docter suspected it was an allergic reaction only. Still did not feel right to me so I finally managed to persuade my docter to test me on STD's.

All clear of course! :rolleyes:

Last november I wanted this blood test done because I wanted to know for sure whether I had been infected with herpes through my last sexual partner or had my allergic reaction been herpes all along. Bit of a slap in the face when I was told I had both and had unknowingly put my last sexual partner's sexual health at risk myself as well.

So I am telling everyone! And of course I have caused some hysteria, but when these people were a bit more eduacated on the topic herpes the hysteria was gone. And they wondered too "why have we never been told all this?" Stigma; herpes is not a deadly disease; there are already that many people that carry this virus, so why bother (I do believe this is the perception of many docters); we would not want to question our belief in what we think is safe sex?

I have had many questions about herpes, because people do want to know about it. And I don't mind whether it is simply nosiness...

Still on my agenda and hope to fulfill in a few weeks: writing the free news papers a letter about herpes to create herpes awareness and lets hope they will publicise it. Has anyone of you ever done this or something like this? Advice is welcome.

Veronica

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chay5

Hi Veronica,

what I said was addressed to people who might not feel comfortable disclosing to others that they have herpes.

But the way you feel about it is very inspiring. You are right, so many people have one strain of herpes or another, that it is almost ridiculous that we should feel like we have something shameful and have to hide. I am lucky to have friends who to not see any stigma in STDs but so far I have just been listening to what they are saying about it. So now I decided next time I am going to tell them that yes, I have herpes, what's te big deal. If 1 in 3 women has it, we should not feel like an unlucky minority. We should have our own presidential candidate (and we might even already have him/her- it's just that perhaps he/she doesn't know it) and rule the world:grin:

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marriedwchildren

I told no one about my condition. My husband and my Doctor. I do not have a girlfriend and My mom well that another issue in itself. I have a trust issue with women and my Mom is my only friend, my whole life i tried to make her proud of me and I do not want to tell her because in my mind I believe it would disappoint her. And there are just some things that are to personal to share with your parent period....

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bluefrog

i have told, (1) the jerkoff who gave this virus to me, (2) my boyfriend, and of course my doctor knows. Nobody else, not even my best friend of 30 years.

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Veronica

I feel like I have to speak up, because nobody else will

The most depressing factor of the herpes virus to me is that nobody speaks up! And because of that more people will get infected with this virus as well. We all know how painful and frustrating this virus can be.

And perhaps it's not our job to inform people about herpes, but those people whose job it really is are doing nothing about it.

Do we really need to feel that ashamed about us having herpes when most likely all of us could not have prevented getting herpes due to a lack of correct information? That correct information we now do have but others still don't.

We are a minority, please let's stay a minority: speak up!

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late bloomers

i told someone

was on line tonight when i got a im from one of our friends. they r new friends, and also motorcycle riding friends of ours that have recently moved here from another state. he asked me about another site we belong to, and i decided to tell him about the fact we have herpes. i was going to tell them the next time we were all together. i told him we were still learning about it. he was VERY SUPPORTIVE, and said that would not affect our friendship. i thanked him VERY MUCH for his understanding. i also sent him this web site for him to do some research if he desired, he said he would check it out. makes us happy:-):-):-):-) that we have found friends like they r. thanks, hugs and blessings to all, d&j

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helied2me

That's great d&j, see, it's not all bad! All kinds of feel good stories going 'round today!

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memyselfI

brief

I think we should all tell everyone about our condition, by not doing so we are not helping ourselves, herpes positives, as a whole by keeping people uneducated. For people to know that this thing is for real and its all over AND that "normal," in fact GREAT people get it.

I also would adivse anyone who asked me if they should tell, no - because I love people and don't want them to be hurt anymore then they already have by having the gig. I love people in general but they (we, humans) are frickin mean. I wasn't a herpes hater before I knew i had it... I just didn't think real normal people got it... I grew up in a suburban society with sex ed from grade 4 on... Seriously the reality that herpes was a real epidemic was news to me. SLAP! Thank God we still have Santa Claus - i saw him at the mall so i know he's real. ...umm, perhaps I only hear what I want to hear and don't hear what I don't want to hear too often?

I wish someone famous would break the ice for us ...and then someone else famous and then people would start talking about it and hopefully the truth would be everywhere and we wouldn't fear people knowing.... All I want for xmas is hm hmm hmm hmmmm.....

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anonbunny

I've told the majority of my close friends. Family- no. My family is...prudish on this type of subject.

I have to say my friends have all been AMAZING. It really shows you that your friends are real when they stand by you and support you like crazy during times like this. This has also encouraged a bunch of my friends to go get tested- in fact, we'll have a testing party next week!

It makes me feel worthy as a person, for sure. I KNOW I am a VERY good and loyal friend- and this is just proof that I am a worthy person, knowing that my friends love me no matter what, and I can be open about my life and have their unconditional support.

Honestly, I am BLESSED, and I am thankful. I am a very good and loyal friend- and I've been blessed with the same.

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whatnow.
Of course, people who have most difficulty dealing with their herpes diagnosis are people who looked down on other people with herpes. And now they got it themselves and they feel like they don't have a leg to stand on.

I have to disagree with you whole-heartedly with this one.

I had a very, very hard time even getting out of bed for days after finding out. I felt like I had been introduced to the death of me, and i'm sure i'm not the only one who felt that way.

Even though I was not as educated on the HSV virus as I am now, I never, ever looked at a person who had herpes and thought "wow, what a sank dirty whatever." As a matter of fact, whenever a Valtrex commercial came on, I thought to myself how thankful i was that I wasn't inflicted with that situation, and how it sucks that the wrong person at the wrong time got the best of them (little did i know, mr.wrong was on his way!). But never did I see them as lower then me. It's like someone thinking someone with HIV or HPV is lower then them. It makes no sense.

And I know the social stigma had a huge affect on me, but I'm getting over it. I still haven't dealt with having the talk, but i'll get through it when it comes. I'm sure the social aspect had an impact on pretty much everyone, even if just a bit.

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nosila

so far i have told 3 friends and obviously my partner. i don't really have a problem with it, cos of stigma it's a little weird, but its just a virus, nobody cares when people have it on their mouth. i wouldnt go telling everyone i have ever met, but one of my friends didnt even turn a hair, another wanted to know all about it and then the conversation just naturally turned to something else and another one admitted they think they probably have it too and are getting tested later on this week! I'm always pretty open about things, and if something big happens in my life then i tell my friends, they're always there for me and although obviously there not at risk of catching it from me, I WANTED to tell them

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