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i'm new, in need of some relationship advice... please help!

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I'm 22 and recently diagnosed with type 2. i have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and am almost positive that he doesn't have it and therefore did not give it to me. he is very careful and pretty sexually inexperienced, and i have ben a little less careful and am a lot more experienced. so i've had it for at least a year without knowing and have been having unprotected sex with my boyfriend the whole time. when i told him, he was obviously upset. i asked if he was mad, and he said no. i asked if he was going to break up with me and he said that he did't know. after over 2 weeks of this, he finally told me 2 days ago that he wasn't going to break up with me because of this. it was such a relief! but he has been so much more upset by herpes than i have been. so far, i'm not really worried or stressed about my romantic future in a general sense, but at first he thought he had it and he was freaking out. yesterday we kind of had sex for the first time, and it was awful. he is so scared of getting it. we used a condom which we haven't done in forever and neither of us likes. and he didn't touch any of my genital area at all with his skin, so he was holding himself and going in maybe an inch or two. afterwards, he went and washed his hands and his penis. this makes me feel like shit, and i have no idea how to fix it. i am on acyclovir which i take every day, not just for my ob, and i don't know what else i can do to keep him safe. i don't know how to help him be okay with this. he told me i should go buy a vibrator beause we aren't really going to have sex ever again. he makes me feel dirty and contaminated, and i can't tell him not to do things like wash his hands, because he s just trying not to get this crappy thing i have. i feel pressured to go down on him whenever he's in the mood bc i don't want this to affect him any more than necessary, not because he does or says anything to make me feel pressured. i just feel so helpless to work this out. any advice?

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Hi. I'm very sorry you are going through this. I'm new here also and am not as knowlegeable as other people here but I do have a bit of info. I've had HSV for about a year now. Your boyfriend needs to get some bloodwork done to see if he actually does have it. He could just not be showing any symptoms. And all it takes is one time so if he has had sex with at least one other person other than you he could have gotten it from that person and given it to you. I wouldn't jump to conclusions and immediately blame myself if I were you. I really hope that either way he is able to overcome it. I have learned that just because a person has HSV doesn't mean they are dirty or disgusting. I hope that you are able to get lots of reassurance and advice from here. I know it's already helped me :D

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Hi jk22,

It's obvious that your boyfriend has issues with this so the first thing I would suggest is that you ask him to get tested and see where he stands. It's possible that he may have already contracted it and if he did then maybe he will have a different attitude towards sex with you.

If he tests negative then I think you should explain to him as calmly as you can that you are very uncomfortable with having sex with him when he makes you feel untouchable and tell him you will understand if he wants to go his separate way because this is not the kind of sex life you envisioned between you and him.

It's unfortunate but totally understandable that he doesn't want to contract it but it's not right for him to make you feel like he does.

Best wishes to the both of you and let us know how things go. Take care sweetie.

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La Femme

Hi Jk22

I am truly sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I know that you have all these emotions that you are experiencing as I have gone through the same thing.

I have recently been diagnosed (2 weeks now) and am finally accepting this virus. I truly think that your partners actions is from ignorance (lack of knowledge). He definately needs to get bloodwork done. He must ask for a type specific antibody HSV 1 and 2 test. This will determine if he has one or the other or both. Thanks (heliedtome) for schooling me on this lingo :-)

I know its tough experiencing that rejection from your significant other, but I truly think its because he doesn't understand. I honestly thought this virus was like HIV, but I've learned to look at it as a skin disease..similar to a recurring rash (sorry to sound so simple).

Lastly, please don't think that you are dirty in any way. Keep your chin up and don't let anyone bring you down!

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