I want to die

[Guest Anonymous]

I am 32. I was just married 3 weeks ago. My husband were together for 6 years before we got married....with one break up a year and a half ago. In that time, I made some awful mistakes. I slept with a few people, but had protected sex. When we got back together I didn't get tested for anything. I thought I was safe.

Starting last Novemeber I starting getting what I thought were yeast infections. But they keep coming back. The day after we got married, I noticed some sores on the skin around my vagina. I went to the doctor, and was tested....I'm waiting on the results.

I'm almost postive i have herpes. I have all the symptoms. I don't care what happens to me. I'd rather have cancer, than know I could have infected my new husband. We have unprotected sex all the time. If i have it, he probably has it.

I can't sleep, i can't think of anything else. I'd kill myself, but i don't want to leave him alone to deal with this if I gave it to him.

How can I deal with his guilt? How can I live with myself? How can ever look at him again? I feel like i'm exploding inside. All the joy I should feel about getting married is gone.

[Lasmom]

Find out if you're positive first.

You could have had this a LONG time - dormant until the wedding stress brought it out - a possibility for me.... where my OBs started while I was planning my wedding.

Your husband may have had it first - you don't know. He may have had it and not known - he may have had relationships when you were broken up.... talk to him.

It is not the end of the world. It is the beginning of your life together - start with honesty - he must love you, which is the reason why he should respect you no matter what. Don't make assumptions now. Wait for your results, work from there - one day at a time until it gets easier - and it will.

Good luck.

[Guest Anonymous]

thanks for the reply.

He didn't have sex with anyone when we broke up. we talked about it.

I was tested 5 years ago for everything, and came out clean, so if i have anything it's because of my stupidity.

He said he was tested before we dated, and was healthy.

I feel like i can't live with myself. He's a good man. He shouldn't have to deal with this.

Find out if you're positive first.

You could have had this a LONG time - dormant until the wedding stress brought it out - a possibility for me.... where my OBs started while I was planning my wedding.

Your husband may have had it first - you don't know. He may have had it and not known - he may have had relationships when you were broken up.... talk to him.

It is not the end of the world. It is the beginning of your life together - start with honesty - he must love you, which is the reason why he should respect you no matter what. Don't make assumptions now. Wait for your results, work from there - one day at a time until it gets easier - and it will.

Good luck.

[Lasmom]

Yes but was he tested for HSV? They don't do that for typical screening...

One way or the other - find out the facts first - then talk to him again. Not to blame - just to make sure he has or does not have it - so you guys can have a starting point.

[Guest Anonymous]

Thanks for taking the time to write to me, and for the good advice. It means the world. I get the results tomorrow.

I think he was tested for everything...including HSV. He has never had any symptoms either.

I guess the issue I'm really dealing with is the guilt. I don't care about myself at this point. Just him. I just feel like i can't live with myself if i gave it to him. It's like I pulled the trigger on him, before checking to see if the gun was loaded. I should have gotten tested after we got back together. I should have known there was a risk. I feel like such a bad person. I love him, and I may have gone this horrible thing to him....that will last a lifetime.

I know i should what for the results..and i am....but i'm sure i have herpes. WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

Thanks again. You are an angel.

[Lasmom]

No Angel - just been there

My soon to be x husband told me he was positive soon after I started dating someone - "well I guess then you should know..." he said when he found out I was seeing someone (I had already asked for a divorce - I wasn't cheating)

Anyway - I had to go to my boyfriend and tell him what was going on - he was very supportive - I thought he'd freak out - same as you - I had pulled the trigger un knowingly - his response: "Ok, we'll get tested, go from there...."

Maybe your husband would benefit by seeing you go through this...and help you through it.... I don't know - you will have to tell him at some point.. only you know when.

Good luck honey. I wish the best for you.

[Guest Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this too! Even if I test negative (which doesn't seem likely) I will always remember this feeling, and have new empathy for anyone with his horrible disease.

I have told my husband what is going on. He said we should wait and see...but it's killing me. I can't help but feel he will never fully forgive me.

What happened with your boyfriend? did he test positive?

Thanks again, Lasmom.

You have been a comfort.

No Angel - just been there

My soon to be x husband told me he was positive soon after I started dating someone - "well I guess then you should know..." he said when he found out I was seeing someone (I had already asked for a divorce - I wasn't cheating)

Anyway - I had to go to my boyfriend and tell him what was going on - he was very supportive - I thought he'd freak out - same as you - I had pulled the trigger un knowingly - his response: "Ok, we'll get tested, go from there...."

Maybe your husband would benefit by seeing you go through this...and help you through it.... I don't know - you will have to tell him at some point.. only you know when.

Good luck honey. I wish the best for you.

[Lasmom]

No - negative -

And over a year of unprotected, "smart" sex - if I didn't feel "OK" the undies stayed on! Still negative. Go figure.

[Guest Anonymous]

a similar thing's happening to me. i had sex with my gf fri night, then she called me and said she vomited at work on saturday. sat night i found a strange sore on my inner thigh by my scrotum. then on mon she was telling me her lymph nodes hurt. i haven't had sex since that fri, but i haven't been able to sleep or work. i made an appt. teus for thurs, today. i feel excactly the same as you...i'd rather die than have to deal with the fact that i gave it to her, even though i did unknowingly. i don't care about what happens to me, but i can't stop thinking about how i ruined this person's life. i guess we both just have to wait and find out and hope that we're with people who can help us though this. i haven't told anyone yet, except for on these forums, so i'm having a hard time. crying all day. i hope you find comfort knowing there's someone else, and probably others too, who are in the same boat as you.

[Lasmom]

SB - are you HSV positive? Is the sore on your leg definately a sore?

A few people in the last couple of days have posted the vomitting thing - I have never vomitted from this - except when I had to tell my BF - nerves... but I didn't think it was a symptom... anybody?

Lymph nodes swell for multitudes of reasons - anytime your body is fighting something - she could have the flu?? maybe??

I hope you aren't so sad for the wrong reasons... it's so hard not to let your imagination and fears consume you about this, the horribly shitty truth is you can't do anything to change having HSV, infecting someone, or the past in general... and it's a horrible responsibility thinking you can pass this thing on.

Thanks sameboat - and yes - we're all on very large boat - but we're all together....

[Guest Anonymous]

Ok. So after 3 agonizing weeks, I find out I am NOT HSV positive. I had many of the symptoms, and had convinced myself I had it. It's some type of skin rash - probably made MUCH MUCH worse from the enormous emotional stress I put on myself.

Lesson learn: Go to the doctor!! don't be afraid to go to the doctor!!

I also learned the most important lesson: My husband, friends, family, etc would still love me even if i did have herpes!! It's not the end of the world. And you are not alone.

I can't express my immense gratitude to the wonderful people on this board (especially lasmom). You are beautiful, kind people. I will think of you always...and check in often. I'm also going to volenteer at planned parenthood to help educate people about STD's. I'm shocked at how little I knew about all this...

And SAME BOAT....please try not to worry!! Stress nearly destroyed me...I almost killed myself, for god sake! Go to a doctor. Either way, you will be ok. There are people who care about you.

Lots of love,

Someone who care (formerly "i want to die")

[Lasmom]

Ok. So after 3 agonizing weeks, I find out I am NOT HSV positive. I had many of the symptoms, and had convinced myself I had it. It's some type of skin rash - probably made MUCH MUCH worse from the enormous emotional stress I put on myself.

Lesson learn: Go to the doctor!! don't be afraid to go to the doctor!!

I also learned the most important lesson: My husband, friends, family, etc would still love me even if i did have herpes!! It's not the end of the world. And you are not alone.

We try to tell everyone that!!! Finally, reality - that's great!

I'm also going to volenteer at planned parenthood to help educate people about STD's. I'm shocked at how little I knew about all this...

That's making lemonade right there. And thankyou for changing that God awful name!!!

God bless sweetheart!

Now go finish that honeymoon!!! or have another one!!!

(by the way, you owe me $50/hour..... just kidding!!!)

[Guest Anonymous]

Thanks lasmom.

You are a wonderful, wonderful person. And I know it may sounds cheezy, but you really have changed my life. I'm a better person because of you. Thanks for taking the time to help others.

And by the way, if anyone out there needs to get tested or has questions, I HIGHLY recommend going to planned parenthood. They were amazing. I don't have insurance, and it was very affordable!

Lots of love,

Someone who cares

[christi]

Here here!

Hi there,

It's Christi, I've been a bit off colour with the flu lately so I've only just had some time to catch up with the latest topics.

Reading over this conversation with yourself and Lasmom has really touched me! A member called Lucie posted a positive quote " setbacks are things that happen to ordinary people to make the extraordinary" how true and how fitting! I'm actually proud to be a member of the caring 'herpes community' and it's reading all the above that makes me feel that way.

The emotions you felt in waiting for your test results are so common and the fact that you recognise the emotional trauma the stigma of herpes carries and are willing to help despite being given the all clear just proves what wonderful values you have. I wish you and your husband all the best and please, don't make yourself a stranger, it would be lovely to hear where this experience takes you.

Christi (here's a hug!)

[Lasmom]

Thanks lasmom.

You are a wonderful, wonderful person. And I know it may sounds cheezy, but you really have changed my life. I'm a better person because of you. Thanks for taking the time to help others.

Posts like that change mine as well... thank you. Helping each other makes us all better people.