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still not dealing with this


Guest Anonymous

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Guest Anonymous

I contracted herpes a little over a year ago. i had just gotten separated from my husband and the first person I hook up with gives me this. I didn't get to know this guy and i let him talk me into having sex with him and he gave it to me the first time we had sex. I feel so many bad things. first that im so stupid for sleeping with the town scum bag, this guy is a total womanizing slut, he never cared about me. it makes me feel like a slut because I didnt know this guy that well, plus I feel like I probably should'nt have been sleeping with anyone cuz I had just split with my husband. my husband was a nice guy and I feel like I made a mistake. At the time I did'nt think we were right for each other so I take a chance and leave him and I end up with something way worse. I am now divorced, he found someone 10 years younger and std free. I told him about the herpes after I got it and he feels bad but said "it was a sign to not get back together with me". I also feel like a big weirdo this whole thing has really messed me up. I have always had low self esteem now I feel disgusted with myself, I hate myself. I feel like I have made so many mistakes and that I am paying for them. I couldnt wait to be single and date and hopefully find my soul mate but now I feel like I can never have a normal relationship, that I have nothing to offer with this disease, being 30 and divorced and with this horrible attitude. It has been over a year and I still think about it constantly. I have stopped even trying or caring to meet someone, even friends. It just doesn't seem to be getting better, I feel like my life just keeps getting worse. How do I deal, how can I make it better?

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Guest Anonymous

Oh man....i completely understand.

My husband and I had a short breakup a year in a half ago. In that time, I also slept with the town womanizer.

I also had immense guilt about it..."how could i be SO stupid", "how could i do that to myself" etc....

But you know what? you are human. And breaking up with someone is a very difficult thing. It hurts, and you try to fill the void. Your low self-esteem caused you to look for something to make yourself feel better (i know, i did the same thing). It's Ok. We all make mistakes!! You are not a bad person...you were just in a very bad emotional state at the time. It clouds your judgement.

Herpes is not going to stop you from leading a happy, healthy life. I was shocked to find out how common it is!! I think your biggest hurdle is regaining your self esteem.....I know it's not easy to do, but have you tried therapy? It's amazing how much you learn about yourself when you talk about your problems.

I wish you the best of luck. Please don't forget that there are so many people out there like yourself (both positve and negative) - you are not alone. You just need to reach out...it's amazing what you will find!

xo,

Someone who cares (formerly I WANT TO DIE!!!!!))

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If it takes one year or ten we'll help you through this!

Hello it's Christi,

I can so, so identify with what you both have been through. I am 29 and although I have never been married I think there isn't a person alive who hasn't been vulnerable to a situation like this when we're in an emotional state!

When things get tough we can find ourselves in a situation where we try to reassure ourselves that we are still attractive and loveable and in a convaluted kind of way I guess by sleeping with a guy like that, deep down we hope it will build us up, maybe he'll even change his womanizing ways and suddenly turn into the prince charming we've been looking for! Wanting a miracle doesn't make anyone a bad person, it makes us human!

The fact that you got herpes from this schmuck makes him an asshole you deserving of our support and nothing less!!!

I have had herpes for five years now and I don't know if you've seen my post but I am writing a book on the topic now and both of your stories are the reason why!! I so want to do my part to help stop the emotional pain of herpes.

In the long run the physical aspect of having herpes is not really the big deal, being women, yeast infections etc etc are all something we deal with and herpes is comparable in the physical discomfort. It's the emotional trauma that is the 'killer' (for want of a better word...).

To both of you, the emotions you felt are normal and with the understanding of people like yourself, 'someone who cares' I believe that we can all do our part to make a difference.

Guest, I felt exactly the way you do when I found out! Oh, the anguish it breaks my heart just to think back on it BUT there is hope. I have learnt to deal with this so well that herpes itself doesn't bother me much at all anymore I am simply committed to being there for people like you who don't deserve the pain you are feeling... no-one does. I have lot's of practice now at the dating thing with great success and have a little script (I can share with you) which can really help when you are up to dating again, for how to tell. Just let me know what I can do to help and I'm here...just an email away!

Please take some time to read over all the previous posts and replies and hopefully it'll answer some questions for you and help you feel better. And please, please keep in touch with this site as there are a myriad of people here who really do want to help you!

Don't you both agree that a big part of herpes is the guilt we feel and the self blame we beat ourselves up with....I think I'll dedicate a whole chapter to guilt alone in my book.... thanks for the inspiration!!!

Please keep you chin up Guest, we are all here for you,

Just hold on, Christi.

P.S. to Someone who cares, you are extraordinary and I am so glad you came to this site! (herpes or no herpes you've proven my theory that people who have had herpes touch there lives in one way or another are better for the experience and the fact that you still conciously choose to care is so kind!)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have just experienced exactly the same thing... I truly understand.

I contracted herpes a little over a year ago. i had just gotten separated from my husband and the first person I hook up with gives me this. I didn't get to know this guy and i let him talk me into having sex with him and he gave it to me the first time we had sex. I feel so many bad things. first that im so stupid for sleeping with the town scum bag' date=' this guy is a total womanizing slut, he never cared about me. it makes me feel like a slut because I didnt know this guy that well, plus I feel like I probably should'nt have been sleeping with anyone cuz I had just split with my husband. my husband was a nice guy and I feel like I made a mistake. At the time I did'nt think we were right for each other so I take a chance and leave him and I end up with something way worse. I am now divorced, he found someone 10 years younger and std free. I told him about the herpes after I got it and he feels bad but said "it was a sign to not get back together with me". I also feel like a big weirdo this whole thing has really messed me up. I have always had low self esteem now I feel disgusted with myself, I hate myself. I feel like I have made so many mistakes and that I am paying for them. I couldnt wait to be single and date and hopefully find my soul mate but now I feel like I can never have a normal relationship, that I have nothing to offer with this disease, being 30 and divorced and with this horrible attitude. It has been over a year and I still think about it constantly. I have stopped even trying or caring to meet someone, even friends. It just doesn't seem to be getting better, I feel like my life just keeps getting worse. How do I deal, how can I make it better?[/quote']
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girl dont worry about it.

Let me tell you something. Dont EVER let herpes get your self-esteem down. Yes you may feel like dirt for a minute. But still, why mope about things you cant change? From what I hear you seem like a pretty decent woman, bad things just happened to you. You can still get out there, I mean, if your not in shape, get in shape, get to the mall, a new hairdo! Get on with your life with a fresh start. Get back into the scene, someone will love you for who you are. Its such a small part of you, you shouldnt have to worry about it. the more you worry the worse it is. You will be ok! Chances are that they will have some sort of "cure" for our virus in a couple of years. Who knows, or something even better then what they have out there now. Live your life to the fullest, live it purely though! Dont give any man a reason to think...yea no wonder why she got herpes lol. Always conduct yourself as a Lady. Hold your head up high. And play hard to get just like you never had been touched by a man in your life =). Be safe, and I hope everything works out for you.

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  • Posts

    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
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