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jaat86

Heartbroken & need 2talk to someone

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jaat86

Well I've been on this site for almost 4wks now and reading the post has really helped. My problem came today when I finally talked (well texted) my ex. He refused to talk to me ever since my diagnosis. When I divorced my ex husband 5yrs ago, I went to the Dr and requested to be tested for everything (herpes, syphallis, etc) - I came back clear. When I got into this relationship & we were comfortable with not using condoms, he assured me that he was clear too. (He's divorced & also had a cheating spouse).

We've been involved for over 3yrs now - I have never had any problems. When I told him about my diagnosis he said that he didnt have anything but as the conversation progressed he admitted to a "one night stand." Next thing I know, he's involved in another relationship and literally wouldnt talk to me. He said he had a Dr appt but it seems like he never shared the results about it with me. When I asked him if he was ok, he texted me back and said "Why what's up?" Does this make sense to you? All I want to do is talk - I understand that he may not have known he had it and vice-versa, but to just cut me off has been so hard to deal with. I had told him how much pain I was in, about the medication, etc. - no response.

Any words of encouragment would be greatly appreciate....I'm having a hard time keeping things into perspective. When I divorced I never thought I'd ever meet anyone, let alone learn to trust & fall in love, but I did. I thought this guy was different but during these horrible 1st wks of having an outbreak, not once has he said "are you ok" -its like I dont exist. Has anyone else experience this type of betrayal and if so, how have you dealt with it. I feel so low right now. I'm all cried out from the week I was diagnosed but to have him turn his back on me has been just too hard to bear.

At first I thought he was ashamed or embarrased because when I first told him he kept saying he was sorry - but his actions contradict that. The crazy thing about it, I really dont know if he does/doesnt have it. When I first got sick - he did too. We thought it was because of the air conditioning. But when I told him about the herpes, he dragged his feet to go to the Dr and after that he just stopped talking/texting me.

I cant sleep, cant eat - this whole thing is starting to consume me. After just getting a divorce, now getting dogged after all these yrs with this guy, I feel like the biggest loser.

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Eurydice

You are not the loser, you didn't act like one. He did. He is even worse than a loser, he is a bad player. Don't cry over him. It's a waste of tears. He doesn't deserve one of yours. If you gave yourself a good cry over yourself,

start your way to feel better. I am sorry, but he turned out to be a bad choice again. We make those mistakes over and over again, until something happens. I think this herpes thing is " the something". Even if you are not very careful with picking the guy, herpes will help you to get a good one.

I don't think contacting him is going to help you, beside he is avoiding you.

So just forget. He is not worthy. Take your time to find out, how to deal with your different life and make it easier. And trust me, I know what you

feel. The only good thing you can do now is turning your back on him and

take care of yourself.:cool:

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gotitsowhat

Loser?

You have lost something--a not very responsible boyfriend. But you are NOT the loser here, he is.

Sounds like he had it, knew he had it and felt bad when he realized you had it, didn't want to deal with the guilt and found it easier to just move on. This is immature behavior.

You have done the right thing--you told him about it. Your actions were OK. Now it is up to him if he wants to do the right thing, see a doctor (if he hasn't) and behave decently with you. It sounds like you are just unfortunate, not a "loser."

If it were me, I'd try to let anger replace lack of self-esteem. Just because someone treats us as if we were worth nothing doesn't mean that it is so. It really says more about him.

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jaat86

You're right - I know he's a loser and what hurts is that after all these years I really thought I knew him. I would have never thought he'd do me like this. And you're right about the immaturity - we're both 40yrs old. He has this new girlfriend and he acts like she's gold or something. I do believe that what goes around comes around. But right now I cant understand how he could just turn his back on me. Every time he texts me he's say I'm going to call u tonight & never does. I told him - if you dont want to talk to me, just say so but quit playing games with me, I'm too old for this. Next thing I know, he does it again. This shit has wore me out, I'm done with it.

As far as dating again, I just dont see it. I dont have the time or energy to go thru it anymore and after my divorce I never ever thought I'd feel like this towards a man again. And trust me it took a couple yrs for him to win my trust. I feel really lost - he was more than anything my best friend, the only person I really talked to. Now I'm alone and its been so damn hard.

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jaat86

And I think the reason why he's being so nonchalant about it because he probably doesnt have the symptoms. I hope his ass breaks out from his head to his toe - its not far that people can pass this one to people and just think that shit is ok. This is going to go with me for the rest of my damn life. I never had any "secrets" - I work & take care of my kids. I dont hang in clubs or in the streets, I'm very settled and what are the chances of me meeting someone. I'm not getting any younger (I'm 40)....it was hard enough finding a date before this now I have H hovering over my head like some dark cloud.

I honestly feel like the chances of me finding someone is like finding a needle in a haystack. And the stories of I've read about how people jump ship when when u tell them about it is just too much for me - I just cant deal with the rejection. I've had enough with the divorce and now this asshole.

I'm so pissed - its unfair how someone could do this and just go on to another relationship without at least acknowledging the damage he's done to my life. But now I know he dont care, probably has never cared....years of my life waster on some bullshit.

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tenderheart22

I can relate to this whole thing. I contracted it from the first guy who I ever had sex with. He denied it. Still denies it to this day. We were together for 2 and a half years and then he left me for another girl and probably didn't tell her, because he has never had any symptoms. I thought (and still think) who is going to love me now? I'm only 22. And horror stories are everywhere. We could have had it much worse. So here is a success story that I always think about. A good friend of mine has herpes, has had it for some time now. She got it from a random hook up, and was pretty devestated. Then she met a really great guy... cute too . She explained to him and he was fine with it. He has since contracted it from her, but seems like he could care less, because they love each other and don't let little things like that matter. I really understand what you are going through, and I'm sure so many others on here do. At this point I don't know if I can trust someone again, and I am terrified of rejection (always have been). But seriously a guy who runs off like that is not even worth the effort. And I too, along with my ex, hope that karma come right back and bites them in the bum... or perhaps somewhere more sensitive ;)

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jaat86

I'm losing my mind over this

Thanks Feelingworthless - he texted me tonight, said he doesnt have it. Said his Dr tested him for everything & he's clean. How can that be??? I was with him, the only person in over 3yrs - I have been tested about 5yrs ago so it HAD to have come from him. I know they say it lie dormant but why after I sleep with this guy unprotected this just pops up? Its driving me crazy.

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GodIsMerciful

Think Positive, Get Positive

I think we all think like this from time to time. I also feel like who would want me? But I know that I'm a good catch and have a lot to offer a good strong man whatever that means. Two different guys that really wanted to date me in high school have not gotten back in touch with me and have declared their love for me. I have told them both that I'm not the "same" person and they both said they don't care and would do anything to be with me. This makes me feel good because it's like I am the same person, but now I have a "secret." Maybe they can handle it, maybe they can't although I'm not going to jump and tell them right away because I don't plan on having sex for a while, but my point is who knows. I think it is better to try to stay as positive and optimistic as possible. I like to think that we all have what's coming to us in life and we won't get everything. I just hope the best for everyone, even the loser who infected me, oh how I hate that word. I hope helps you a little. We all have baggage in life. Matter of fact I was reading the back of a Jamaican resturaunt pamphlet that said something that made me think, it said:

Jamaica, like many another of the West Indian Islands, is like a woman with a history. She has had her experiences and has lived her life rapidly. She has enjoyed a fever of prosperity founded upon those incalcuable treasure poured into her lap by the old time buccaneer pirates. She has suffered earthquake, famine, pestilence, fire, and death: and she has been the home of cruel merciless slavery, hardly second to that practice by the Spaniards themselves. Other countries have taken centuries to grow from their primitive life through the flower and fruit of presperity inot the seed time of picturesque decrepitude. Jamaica has lived through it all in a few years.

Sometimes that's just how life is.

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jaat86

Godismerciful

Thank you -I appreciate that.

I guess what has me so upset is that he's accusing me, swears up & down that he doesnt have it. I dont know if he's lying or what. Its just very heartbreaking because I loved this man so much. I never cheated on him, never even thought about it but he told me that he has messed around. Life can be so unfair at times.

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BeantownBeauty

Hardest

Sometimes the hardest thing is when the person denies it, and then looks at you like you're evil. I think many people can relate to that here.

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Kya

You may find its more a case of being in denile.... is really something you want to have to face up to having, when its not lifethreatening, doesnt stop you having kids or getting on with your job and you've never had an ob or any other sysmptoms. Some find it easier to live in ignorence and bury it in a part of their mind and forget it ever happened!!

Though as soon as you get that positive result, right there in black and white. It cant be ignored anymore. Finally have to face fact and learn to live with it, becasue you CAN live with it. If you need help to do that then get help. Its out there, health advisors, councilors, this forum.

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jaat86

Very frustrating

Its frustrating because I keep thinking - what if he doesnt have it? We've had alot of unprotected sex so I would think he was at least exposed. The messed up part about it is that HE CHEATED ON ME! I was faithful all these years and I'm the one with the OB! The fact that he wont talk to me makes me feel like I have bubonic plague or something - but what he fails to know is that he can still get it. Its been about 30days since we were together - I dont wish anything bad on anyone but I do know that what goes around, comes around. The way he's handled things there may be a day he wished he would talk to me.

On a much lighter note, I got my hiv results today....negative!!! What a relief!

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gotitsowhat

Well, jaat36, you can't be sure how you got this since it can lie dormant for many years. Perhaps the stress of this recent relationship change has caused a dormant strain of herpes to show itself. On the other hand, maybe your instincts are right and he gave it to you and is lying about the doctor visit. If you take a blood test, it can tell you how recent the strain of herpes is and that would confirm whether you got it recently or from way back. If it's recent, then he is either being misdiagnosed (happens a lot) or he's lying about getting tested. Ask him if he had the blood test as well as the swab test. Some men will just go to a doctor and if they have no outbreak, the doctor will say, "You're fine" and not even suggest the blood test for herpes. That may explain his supposed doctor visit.

One thing stands out here, though. If you could trust him, you would know it. Trustworthy people, especially those whom we've known for years and years, don't make us doubt them. I have a friend. Back in the 60s (this shows my age!) he was my lover for a few years. We have remained friends. He is remarkably honest. If someone showed me a video of him having sex with someone and he denied it, the first thing I would think is, "I wonder how they faked that video?" It would never occur to me that he lied because I have known him well for many years and he has never lied to me or misled me or was even unclear about anything nor has he lied to anyone I know who knows him. He has given me reason to trust him and so I am sure I would believe him before I'd believe a video.

But when you are going crazy trying to figure out if someone is lying, someone you care about who keeps insisting he's telling the truth but who makes you feel insecure....he's lying. If he was telling you the truth, he wouldn't be driving you crazy with unclear behavior and you would feel secure around him. When we find ourselves questioning someone's truthfulness over and over, either we are crazy and need a shrink, or that person has given us reason not to trust him. You don't sound crazy. Trust yourself, not him.

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Sophie D.

One thing stands out here, though. If you could trust him, you would know it. Trustworthy people, especially those whom we've known for years and years, don't make us doubt them....

But when you are going crazy trying to figure out if someone is lying, someone you care about who keeps insisting he's telling the truth but who makes you feel insecure....he's lying. If he was telling you the truth, he wouldn't be driving you crazy with unclear behavior and you would feel secure around him. When we find ourselves questioning someone's truthfulness over and over, either we are crazy and need a shrink, or that person has given us reason not to trust him. You don't sound crazy. Trust yourself, not him.

Wow, very good advice/observation.

I wish I had really known this before. :rolleyes:

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