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HELP... in new realtionship, and he has herpes, i dont know what to think.....

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i am posting this for a good friend (seriously).... she does not have internet access all of the time. She has been seeing this guy for about a month or a little more than that. She really likes him, he is very genuine and sincere and sweet. He has almost everything that she has been looking for. They live within 10 mi of eachother, and she has been to his place and so on a few times. They have done things but have sex, or oral. When they were fooling around he did not "allow" her to pleasure him that would benifit him. It has been all about her and he has pleased her and had made it all about her. I guess a couple weeks or so into this relationship, he told her that he has had herpes for about 20 yrs or so, from an ex that had cheated. He is very honest with what is going on and told her that he gets and "outbreak" about once a year. Needless to say she freaked out a little. They are seeing eachother still, because she really does like him, he is a great human being. But she is completely unfamiliar with this "world". She does not know what they can and cannot do. What can poss. transmit to her and what can effect him in the long run. She would like knowledgable info on what they can do when he is not having an outbreak or the "shedding of" before the outbreak, and how to tell what that is. She had talked to her doctor a little and her refered her to the mayo clinic website, but there is too much info.

So.. she is sexual person and does want to have sex with him. but how safe is it really when considering, that at sometime, she can too be infected with this. what percautions can they take to make sure that there is no "oops". what does she need to look for. what can she do to help him be more comfortable with this and her. she is just concerned with transmital of herpes, as i think anyone would be in a brand new relationship. Any information that i can get for her, i know would be greatly appreciated by them both and she would be getting info from individuals who have maybe been in the same situation before. thank you for any and all help. thank you so very much. :)

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some advice

Maybe she could wait on the sex part until the relationship develops a bit more. I mean, as long as he doesn't have it orally, he can still satisfy her--even if it's not going all the way. Any kind of kissing and manual stimulation is fine.

But if she really wants to go for the sex now, then he should get on valtrex and they should always use a condom. That simple combination will keep her very safe, not perfectly safe, but very safe. He's had it for a long time so hopefully he is aware of when he is starting to have an outbreak. He needs to protect her health actively by not having sex around the times of an outbreak.

In the long run for him, there really isn't any statistical difference in health outcomes between H+ and H- people. So she should not be worried about that.

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Well at least she is willing to give it a chance and learn what she can before running for the hills like some do. Its nice to hear and he is being very honest about it and has protected her until he felt comfortable to give her the choice to take the risk! Very honorable of him. There are some out there, that even though they know they carry it, stil have sex with people without telling them. Really is disgraceful and totally unfair to the other person. Maybe she should also talk to him, if he has had it for 20years then im sure he knows all this by now.

1 in 4 people have the virus (think the stats for US is 1in 4 women and 1 in 5 men have it) and 2 out of 4 dont even know they are carrying it! They never have symptoms and have no clue they already have the virus. Others of us had symptoms, got tested and now know we have it. So there are so many people out there that have this and have no clue, so unkowingly pass it on.

If he is having an ob then they need to try and avoid sex and oral as this is when he will be the most contagious.

Protection should be worn for both sex and oral (since this virus can be transmitted both ways)

There is a 5% chance she can catch the virus (either way) but this can be reduced to 2% when protection is used.

You dont say if he has the viurs on his genitals or orally. If he has it orally then giving her oral sex would put her at risk and dental dams with need to be used to try and protect again this. (Also through kissing, she can catch it orally) Its is genitally, then it needs noting that a condom does not cover the entire genital region.

Bottom line is that eventually she may end up getting it anyway, even with all the protection and precautions used. However, people have been in relationships for many years with someone who has the virus and has never caught it or never had any symptoms.

No one will view her badly if she chose not to, he gave her the choice, now its down to her to decide wot she wants to do. Hope things go ok for them.

(Others on this forum should be able to give more info if there is something I've missed. Advice is what they are here for. :-) )

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If the guy is is a keeper then she should get all the info. she can. This place is great due to personal experiences and that doctors do not know everything if they do not have it first hand. They also know the satistics and so they do not think it is a big deal so they do not make it an issue. Its not alife threatning desease, just a pain in the crotch!!

It takes a lot for a person to be open with it and she has to know that to. Him doing that makes him better then a lot of men out there all ready.

Best of luck to your friend!!

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And unless she has never been touched by another man she should also get a test before getting intimate with him. She may already have the virus without knowing.

Now even if she's negative, if he's a keeper, she should continue to be with him and give it as much time as she needs to feel comfortable having sex with him.

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Dakota Blue

just a quick question

this is a very nice thing you are doing for your friend but i am curious to know what information her partner is offering

since he is infected i feel like he should know at least some of this stuff and be able to offer places to seek more information.

there are lots of great websites that this support forum offers so chek them out. and hopefully you and your firend will be able to make a more informed decision.

If he doesnt have it orally i would totally go with that for at least a couple more months...

oh how i miss great oral... lol

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just let me say this.

as a guy with GH, her boyfriend is NOT gonna want to have sex during an outbreak...it does NOT feel good haha.

put him on daily valtrex and use condoms and have fun and she should be safe, unless maybe his outbreak site is at the base of his penis where the condom wont cover??

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