Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Sign in to follow this  
headabovewater

My experiences so far in two years....

Advertisement
0_unsure-if-it-is-herpes.png

Unsure if you have an STD? Get tested privately here.

Recommended Posts

headabovewater

Hey everyone,

I’m a 25 year old male from New York.

I was in a happy relationship about two years ago when one morning I woke up to a horrid pain while urinating. My lymph nodes on my waist were swollen and two days later I finally saw it, a small single sore. I lived in terror the entire weekend until I could see my doctor first thing monday. He saw the sore and immediately stated which eventually blood tests would prove to be true, I had herpes.

At first I was confused, as my girlfriend and I had always been using condoms for sex. Eventually we came to the conclusion I probably got it from oral sex and a cold sore. I felt terrible but was in a relationship with an understanding partner and little changed.

It wasn't until we broke up months later that it really hit me on what I had and who I was. Stress caused me to have outbreaks, so I opted to take Valtrex one-a-day and having been OB free since taking them for almost a year now.

The next two relationships I came clean with them before we had sex. Only my doctor and these three girls know of my condition to this day. Both refused to have sex with me but we kept the relationship going partly to save face. These girls, while appreciative I was up front about it, told me that maybe it was better not to tell any future girls, as using a condom plus valtrex while not having an OB is the best chance you'll get out not spreading it. I didn’t want to be "that guy” but the back-to-back blows of failed relationships due to the H-bomb eventually turned me into one.

Don't. The guilt of keeping it secret from someone eats you alive. It added such horrid stress than even my sexual performance suffered. I lived in constant fear of receiving a phone call from a former partner and my life would be over thanks to the internet age of myspace and facebook. My sex life consisted of a string of one-night stands that made me feel like shit. In addition to HSV, I was diagnosed with psoriasis (a non-contagious but genetic skin condition with no cure) and a painful nerve condition in both hands and forearms. I began hitting rock bottom, turning to heavy drinking and drug use. Passing out alone in my bed was easier than trying to fall asleep with the endless “will I ever find happiness...how long can i keep this secret” torments in my head. My health and performance at work suffered. I gave up hobbies and lost direction in life. I began suffering panic attacks and contemplated suicide multiple times. I still haven’t been able to tell my best friend about it, though I do stay in touch from time to time with one of the girls that knows, which helps but she lives on the other side of the country so I still feel terribly alone.

I wish I could say I’ve completely turned things around, but I haven’t. I have been attending meetings for my drinking and have substantially cut back on alcohol and drugs. I’ve hit the gym often. I began refocusing on my job and hobbies. However I still have relapses into deep depression and suicidal thoughts. I lie to my friends about my sex life, but this is becoming harder as now I have four roommates after living alone for years. Recently though, I’ve gone on a few dates with a new girl, one who I like a lot but haven’t done anything more than kiss.

I’ve got a fourth date with her tomorrow night and I can tell I need to bring up herpes with her before things get heavy. I fear she’ll reject me but I’m doing it anyways. I don’t want to go through another night of lying wide awake next to a woman I just fucked but wasn’t honest too. I’ll either check into a mental hospital or check out of life.

That’s my story.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
marriedwchildren

headabovewater,

I also have ghsv1 and i went through the same emotions you are going through right now. I will tell you it truly does get better as time goes on. know that sounds easier said than done, but it is true. i cannot assume to know what you are feeling in the dating world, but I will tell you i strongly believe that there is someone out there for everyone. And I think you have just not found that right girl. You have to remember that you are a good human being and you have to grab life by the horns and ride the good with the bad. Life is a treasure to cherish and not to be given up so easy. Please i have read your post and if you still feel so depressed about life i would STRONGLY suggest a Doctor to help you through this bump in the road. I pray for you and i wish you well, keep your held held high you are a good person. Take care.:-D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
regret

why dont you give each other me to get to know each other before you have the talk? a 4th date is too soon i think to be spilling the beans..anyone i have talked to that is negative and that they know of my situation , they say to give yourself time for them to reqally know you before youtell them, this is from others who are negative..i agree, if she psuhes for sex just tell her you respect her too much and want to get to know her before yuo bring that into the eqaution.. she will mostlikey be surprise by it but will respect you for it, do other things to show her you find her attractive or whatever..its going to be the small things that you can do that will keep her intrest, not the sex per day, its how you make her feel that will keep her around,women love it when they feel special or if that guy takes extra time to do something special for us... and for as fasr as the drining goes, if your depressed anyway, and drinking on top of it , it will magnify the depression even more..so stop drinking, that isnt helping your situationat all and many times while drinking one has sex with people they shouldnt be and you could get something worse..we are here if you need someone to talk to, but i would also get into counseling to help you .. if your thinking herpes is limiting your options, justhink if your an alcoholic and or drug addict on top of it? you need to focus on being healthy and pursuing your goals in life an dnot so much on having a girlfriend , when your ready and your helathy with having this virus in yur mind, everythig else will fall into place..good luck

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dnd3d
but I will tell you i strongly believe that there is someone out there for everyone.

I want to believe this, although the only problem is that if you find someone that will accept you with herpes, they might not be the right person for you. Although you feel that you found someone that will love you regardless and you just settle. I don't feel that I have to settle for anyone just because they accept my herpes. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I have a certain expectation of my parter when it comes to her personality and physical appearance.

why dont you give each other me to get to know each other before you have the talk? a 4th date is too soon i think to be spilling the beans..anyone i have talked to that is negative and that they know of my situation , they say to give yourself time for them to reqally know you before youtell them, this is from others who are negative..i agree, if she psuhes for sex just tell her you respect her too much and want to get to know her before yuo bring that into the eqaution.. she will mostlikey be surprise by it but will respect you for it,

That's a tough one, the last girl that I dated for three weeks asked me why I didn't tell her sooner, why she didn't have the option of continuing seeing me or not. I think she felt lied to, that I deceived and wasted her time. In some ways, I do agree because it almost seemed like I wanted to put her in a position where when she would get emotionally attached she'd have to make a pretty big decision. I think I'd be a wreck knowing that a girl had some sort of virus that could affect me and I had to choose between her and my well being. It's not a easy choice when your emotions are involved.

How would you feel if you were dating someone for months with out sex, because he or she wanted to take things slower. You start getting real deep feelings for them, then they tell you that they have AIDS. Although herpes is not AIDS, for some people all viruses and/or diseases have the same caliber.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
marriedwchildren

dnd,

No one said you should lower your standards because of herpes. All I said was that when people start to cut themselves short because of a negative view on life and love then of course you will never find happiness. Without a positive attitude towards anything that life has to offer to you (including love) then you might as well crawl under a rock and hide yourself away, and to me that is a waste of the life you were given.

I hope everyone finds joy and satisfaction but it does not always come knocking at your door you have to go out and grab it. take care and hope all of you have a good day.:-D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
rocky1313

I really felt compelled to reply to this post because there are a few things I want to say... first of all, I really think you need to get this herpes thing into perspective. The reality is you have HSV 1 and have had one outbreak. You are taking medication and whether or not that's what's helping you, you haven't had an outbreak in some time. In most cases of HSV 1, people get an initial outbreak then nothing ever again. That being said, it's still something you have to always be conscious of. When you get to a better, more stable place emotionally, I would suggest you come off the valtrex and let your body build up a natural resistance and learn to understand the warning signs if in fact you do get another outbreak at some point.

Understanding this thing is the best thing you can do to have confidence yourself in preventing transmission and being able to convey that confidence to a potential partner. And ultimately if your partner does catch it, even though you've been careful and done what you can to protect her, it's really not the end of the world. I don't mean to make light of herpes because I myself have been through some hellish times with it but over time, you realize that it doesn't define you. It is manageable and with the proper precautions taken, transmission can probably be avoided.

I agree with a former post in that you really should wait to tell this girl about it. In my experience I've had to tell five people about my 'condition' and only one seemed to run off the opposite direction and that was the one I told after only three dates. Honestly I don't think it was just the herpes thing that sent him off but the fact that he simply wasn't ready for a committed relationship and bringing that up and discussing how we can prevent transmission, blah blah blah was a bit too much to absorb so early on. The guy I'm seeing now (for about five months), I waited until about the 6th date to tell him. He took it really well and in fact had been with someone in the past who had it so he already knew about herpes.

I'm not sure how you're telling the girls about this but if you think about this condition in a horribly bleak light then you are probably conveying all that negativity when disclosing this. Again, don't mean to make light of it but fact is you've had one outbreak and are taking preventative measures to stop another outbreak. You should have confidence to enter into a relationship with little fear of passing it on. In the meantime, before you tell her, just take it easy and wait a few more dates. Don't get yourself in a position where it's too easy to get intimate before you have a chance to tell her. If you need to tell a white lie, do it (' i have to get up early in the morning so I can't stay over tonight, etc...).

Finally, it might help to talk to a therapist if you haven't done so already. Sometimes when you feel overwhelmed emotionally it really helps to unload all your crap onto just one person. Trust me, I did this recently when I felt I just couldn't handle with my emotions and I felt better the moment I walked out of the doctor's office.

Sorry for the rambling post but I understand where you're coming from and I just think you need to get yourself out of this funk that probably only has to partially do with the herpes thing and get a better, more positive perspective on your situation so you can pick up your confidence again! Good luck; I hope the talk with the girl goes well!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
rocky1313

sorry after re-reading your post, i realized that you have in fact had more than one outbreak... nevertheless you seem to have it under control at the moment...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
George3000

Boy I feel exactly what you mean. Thank you very much for your post because I'm right there where you are, only doesn't have suicidal thoughts yet. I'm lost, shocked, depressed and just don't know what to do!!!!

and for all of those who say: you will eventually find someone and keep trying, and tell her sooner or later... can you people give us a break and get real?? Who on earth with a *** mind would ever accept a person with a virus?? I know I wouldn't!!! For crying out loud, the only and I mean the only chance of finding someone who wants to be with you is that that person has got the virus her/himself. Can you spare us the Cinderella story in the dream land please and come to reality??

If you want to find someone, you'll just have to look for someone with the damn virus.

Why doesn't these damn vaccines/cures ever come? Weren't people supposed to put money in an account to help speeding up all these trials?? What happened?? :mad:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
La Femme

George

I often have these thoughts too. If I didn't have the virus, I am not sure if I would want to expose myself. Its hard enough being single nowadays.

As for me, I have been through 1st dates and no phone call afterwards. I consider myself to be very attractive its been difficult to accept that rejection. This was before I found out about the herpes.

Now, here I am with a double wammy herpes diagnosis (type 1 & 2) and I am so petrified of disclosing this information. Of course I would never sleep with someone without telling, but its hard enough as it is. Having herpes & being single is the worst!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
George3000

La Femme

I know what you mean. I also consider myself an attractive man and have a hard enough time as it is. But that doesn't make me start to become a dreamer and wait for princess beauty to lie there and wait for my kiss to wake up.

We have the damn disease and nobody who doesn't have it will ever wanna be with us. Yeah the truth hurts but we just need to try to accept it and deal with it rather than day dreaming all the time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
beachday

I hate to be negative, but I agree. if the shoe was on the other foot and someone was telling me early on that they had herpes, why would I want to risk it and get it. And I would not want to keep dating someone, get them emotionally attached to me or me to them and then drop that bomb on them. I'd rather be hurt early on before any feelings form.

I try to stay positive and have hope about dating but I just don't see it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GodIsMerciful

I'm sorry to say, that if you continue to think like this and actually say it outloud, then that is probably what is going to happen to you. You won't find anyone because you are not confident in yourself and that's something you should be with our without herpes. I haven't told anyone yet, so I haven't experienced a rejection, but I plan on telling someone soon. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I will be prepared for a rejection, but not expecting one. I had quite a revelation yesterday after reading a few past entries in my journal. I've always thought that celebrities with this virus can still get a partner because they're rich and famous, but normal people are just a fabulous as they are. I'm in college so it's all about partying and hooking up and that type of thing and last summer a friend told me that one of her friends that I know through her had unprotected sex on her bedroom floor and she has herpes. I actually documented this night in my journal and thanked the Lord for protecting me and asked him to forgive me for my sin, although I had only slept with one person in the past year. Fastforward to today, I have herpes from that one person I slept with. Point is, before I read this journal entry, I though that the person who had herpes was so beautiful and her life was perfect,(she just graduated, got a new job and new man and a new car.) I had forgot all about the fact that she had herpes and probably wouldn't have remembered until I read my journal. I'm just saying that having herpes is so insignificant. Yeah it's a nuissance, but not a reason to kill yourself or give up on life. Isn't there worst things to worry about? Try not to focus on sex as being the most important thing in you life and you should be able to move on. Quit thinking about it so much and just try to work on other area's of your life. If you just contracted it, how about you take a breather. I don't even want to think about sex at the moment, I feel like my body needs healing and I need to get in touch with the symptoms and outbreaks and whatnot. There is more to a relationship than sex, and for all the single people, work on a marriage arrangement, which most religions say you should not have sex until your married. People with HIV find partners, people in wheelchairs and all types of people. Good luck to you all, but I hate the negativity, it brings me down. I'm not oh I'm so happy I caught herpes, but it's not an unwanted child or HIV, I think I can make it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
George3000

GodIsMerciful

You say you will be prepared for a rejection after you have told about your herpes to that someone and yet you tell me I'm not confident for trying to live in the reality? I'm glad you do just as I. But many people here are still living in a dream world.

and you try to say to your future partner who doesn't have herpes: there are more things in a relationship than sex and see if he/she will remain as your partner not.

Otherwise I thought your post was a breath of fresh air. It gave me a peacfullness I'd never felt for a long time. Thanks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tinygirl3

my opinion...

there is going to be a day when u r just going to the find someone. if someone cant accept you for who u r then F them. i'm sure there great qualities about u that would attract someone to u. but i feel the same way from time to time. "i'll never have someone" or ur constantly thinking that having a one night stand will result in only spreading an std.

this isnt only painful physically, but mentally as well. its hard but stay optimistic. obviously now we have to be more careful in choosing a partner. but maybe not having sex with someone right away is a good thing! i did that and now i have to pay the consequences. however, i know i'm going to find someone great. no one is perfect. so arent you! id rather take my time to get to know who someone really is than to rush into something physically and always have to be scared not to pass on my herpes. i also want to trust that person. so telling someone on a 4th date is not a good idea. how do u know she will keep ur secret? u need trust.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
rocky1313

George, for the 'positive' amongst us (and I don't just mean hsv positive, rather those who have gotten to a more positive mental place), I just have to say that for you to call us 'dreamers' is quite frankly ridiculous. Why, because I am not a 'dreamer'; I am sharing my reality and that is that every person I've been with since my diagnosis (some 13 years ago) did NOT have hsv, yet they still wanted to be with me... go figure. And none of them ended up getting it. Obviously there is a hell of alot more to me than this condition that 1 in 4 people in the world have!

Why do people come on here for advice then shoot people down for telling their 'truths'... isn't that what you want to hear, some hope... trust me I've been through some bad times with this damn virus but it does get better over time. If you wish to believe otherwise at this point, i'm sure you will (at least I hope) you can get to a less negative headspace in time if you really want to try...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
regret

i feel sorry for you that you have such a negative outlook on this YES it Sucks, you might as well give up now then and lock yourself away because with that attitude you will never find anyone... because you are coming across as being really shallow in the way you accept people in general is how you project how others will accept you.. in my case i met a guy a few days after i was diagnosed and he was very suportive and wants to continue seeing me,,i consider my self an attractive woman and he is attractive, he has a good job, good morals and values, and he is not a looser who CAN get find someone else if he choose to.which i take from your post you feel that ther only people who would date any of us is because they are losers and not considered good enough with low self esteem??? maybe you need to look at yourself here and how you have judged others maybe they werent pretty enough or didnt make good enough money or drive an expensive car according to how you base your self worth on? how do you define who you are? i feel for you man, but i hate to see you givng no one else hope because you are so miserable yourself in how you project whats of value in a realtionship? yes its not easy, it will be tough to find the right one..but i dont beleive everyone is that shallow,, if i found the man of my dreamsn i definatley would educate myself on it and make an educated descion before i did anything, and my god you dont die from it, ..educate the one your dating, yes thier may be many who think as you do which is unfortunate, but i do believe for the most part people are bigger than that.. no one said it was going to be easy..i certainly went through many of the same emotions as everyone else did..people are attracted to ones energy and the life they breath...if yur negative..thats what you will attract.. i am sorry you are having such a tough time of this,,and reality is you will have some good days and bad, but hey thats life in general...i think we have all thought similer to some degree but it does get better, am i happy everyday? no, do i get sick of this virus?yes..your letting this virus control your life, start doing things that make you feel good, just date as friends for now until you get to a place of feeling more comfortable with this virus.. i feel bad, your stuck right now and you need someone to talk to about this..maybe find a counselor to talk to if this forum isnt doing it for you? i dont mean to sound so harsh ... i do feel your pain, but just relax and look at the posotive things in your life,,it really could be so much worse..good luck and i wish you the best, i really do

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dnd3d

I have to defend George because I agree with him. If you can't understand the reality of this virus, then you're going down the long road of hurt. Put yourself in a position if you didn't have herpes and ask yourself, would you date someone who had it? I wouldn't. I know all the statistics of how many people have it and don't know it. But you know what? It still doesn't change the fact that herpes changes who you are. I can bet everyone was a completely different person before they got infected. In some way or form, herpes changed your life, whether it's a perspective on something or just made you more mature. People don't want to date others who smoke, or drink, or do drugs, which in moderation are also not life threatening just like herpes. Some people's realities are different than others. I've only been rejected once for having herpes and accepted once for having herpes. You can say I'm playing at 500 right now. I'd like to believe everything happens for a reason, although to have my heart broken in such a way, it's tough to think about. I think I could have taken my last rejection allot better as I know she broke it off because of herpes. What hurts even more is that I could have prevented getting herpes two years ago, my gf and I decided we were going to have a three some.

Yes there maybe someone out there for everyone, but it's going to be a long road finding someone that you find attractive physically and mentally, that will accept your herpes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MagPie21889

just have hope

i do believe we will all find love agian....i for one would infact still sleep with someone i loved if they had herpes...the only thing terribly bothersome about the disease is the fear of passing it..other than that...its a skin problem that comes and goes

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gotitsowhat

A balanced attitude

I have to defend George because I agree with him. If you can't understand the reality of this virus, then you're going down the long road of hurt. Put yourself in a position if you didn't have herpes and ask yourself, would you date someone who had it? I wouldn't. I know all the statistics of how many people have it and don't know it. But you know what? It still doesn't change the fact that herpes changes who you are. I can bet everyone was a completely different person before they got infected. In some way or form, herpes changed your life, whether it's a perspective on something or just made you more mature. People don't want to date others who smoke, or drink, or do drugs, which in moderation are also not life threatening just like herpes. Some people's realities are different than others. I've only been rejected once for having herpes and accepted once for having herpes. You can say I'm playing at 500 right now. I'd like to believe everything happens for a reason, although to have my heart broken in such a way, it's tough to think about. I think I could have taken my last rejection allot better as I know she broke it off because of herpes. What hurts even more is that I could have prevented getting herpes two years ago, my gf and I decided we were going to have a three some.

Yes there maybe someone out there for everyone, but it's going to be a long road finding someone that you find attractive physically and mentally, that will accept your herpes.

Good post. I think that those who post completely negative posts are wrong because even with odds against, some people do beat the odds. I also think those who recommend total positive thinking may not be fully attuned to the reality that herpes changes things, makes it harder to find a love partner. While I don't think it's human to give up on any good thing that is possible and strongly desired or needed, I do think that one must be realistic enough to accept the idea that SOME people are going to run from the chance of getting herpes regardless of other factors in the relationship.

I refuse to give up even though I know I am in my 60s, overweight, not considered glamorous and have GH. I believe that, even under these odds against conditions, love IS possible and CAN happen.

However, having said that, I will say that I wince every time I read one of those kind, well meant posts that state that there is someone out there for everyone, for all of us. Sorry, I just don't see it that way. If you live long enough, you will note that some people, even really decent, kind, smart people do not always find a good mate. Some of it is just a matter of luck (or Providence if you see it that way). The idea that there is someone wonderful out there for all of us--it's just a greeting card philosophy, warm and sentimental but not backed up by the observed facts. Of course, this is true for those who do not have herpes, too! Love happens a lot and it could happen to any one of us--but it is most certainly not a guarantee. If we don't take the chance of meeting people and hoping, then there is a 100% chance we will never find anyone. So I am for doing whatever you can to connect with people and hoping for the best--while understanding that the best does not always happen. Love is out there. We can only take our chances and hope that we will find the right person--meanwhile, it's important to BE the right person.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
headabovewater

Update from original post

Thanks to everyone who commented and offered insight and advice. After living fairly alone with this virus for so long it's such a relief to know there are other people out there, both with pessimistic and optimistic outlooks on my and/or their situations.

I also worked the courage to tell my best friend. He doesn't know much about the virus but it's still comforting to have someone who understands my dilemma's with women.

I wanted to give ya'll an update on what's been going on. First off, I haven't told the girl anything yet, but we also haven't slept together either. The first night I stayed at her place with hooked up on her bed but I stated up front if she'd be okay with taking everything slow. She completely agreed and said that was perfect for her too. Neither one of us disclosed our reasons and it's been that way now for about 3 weeks? A part of me hopes she has herpes too - imagine that! With 1 in 4 Adult New Yorkers having it, there's a chance right?

We get along great and the relationship has been really blossoming despite absolutely no sex of any kind between us. However I myself am getting extremely antsy to jump her bones and I feel she's the same way for me. Now I just need to pick the right time and place...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
catiesmom

Headabovewater, sounds like you're in the perfect place to tell her. I hope she takes it well.

There really is a lot of negativity in these posts. I tend to think those who confine themselves to ONLY hsv+ partners are the ones who are living in a dream world. Herpes i bad, but it's not THAT bad! I've told 2 people and both have taken it well and continued into a sexual relationship with me. I wouldn't tell someone just willy-nilly, because that does increase your chances of rejection. I also wouldn't tell someone i wasn't comfortable enough to have sex with, because it's no one's business but mine and my partners. But there IS that perfect middle point in most budding relationships where disclosure is not too soon or too late. And i hope that you all are able to find that.

If you insist on dating only hsv+ people, i'm afraid you'll be selling yourselves short.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
beachday

headabovewater, good luck and keep us updated. thanks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Advertisement

Try a Lysine supplement for cold sores

×