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tenderheart22

My story/ My anger!

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tenderheart22

I just want to let this all out.

First off, I love this forum and all the people who respond and share what they are going through.

I will start from the beginning, and hope that no one gets bored. lol. I got herpes back when I was 19 years old from oral sex with a guy I had just started seeing. He denied having it. I was so upset. It was around christmas time and needless to say it was the worst christmas of my life. When I was diagnosed it was by the on-call doctor, who took one look at my 2 little bumps down there and said HERPES. She did a swab and told me even if it came back negative it was herpes. I was so upset. Then once I got past that enitial outbreak I was fine. And I never recieved any phone call with results, and I was pretty sure that the doctors have to call you to tell you results when they are positive, but not when they are negative. I did end up in a relationship with the guy who gave me herpes. We did have unprotected sex, and I never had another outbreak, and he never had any. Then I got more issues. I had bumps down there again, but they turned out to be mulluscom contagiosum, which was treatable with liquid nitrogen (they burn them off). The doctor told me it can be transmitted like and STD, but my boyfriend said he had nothing. Then I had really bad pains down there for 3 months straight, and I went to the doctors, and ended up at the gynecologist. I was diagnosed with vulvudynia (chronic vulvur pain). It hurt a lot to have sex, in fact daily activities hurt, like sitting. I was lucky enough not to have this pain all the time, which can happen. So of course it made it hard to be intimate with my boyfriend. I cried alot during sex. I cried alot when I couldn't have sex. I really felt so bad, because after 2+ years he was still so attracted to me and I wanted to please him, I really did. I really was quite a sexual person. So at this point I had forgotten about herpes all together, since I never had another outbreak, and the doctor never called to confirm. Then my boyfriend broke up with me, out of the blue. No real reason, except that he said I deserved better. He didnt shed one tear, and told me he was just the type who could walk away from things easily. I was a "thing" now. And just the day before he was telling me he loved me. I was so upset, I went out drinking a bunch and ended up getting so drunk one night and hooking up with some guy and doing the most stupid thing I can imagine. If you haven't guessed it, we slept together and it was not safe. I couldn't believe it when I woke up the next day. I really am not the type to do that. I only had slept with one guy up until this point, and I waited until I was 19. So then for an entire month of not hearing from my ex, I get a text from him asking me how I am. He later tells me his miserable. I ask about this new girl who is always sending him love on facebook, and he tells me she is nothing and keeps talking to me for the next few weeks saying "if" we get back together, and once he gets his head straight he'll probably be begging for me back. Then I get this burning down there and go to the doctor all worried. I went to 2 walk-ins and finally my family doctor before I got any real sense of what was going on. Sure enough, in my file from 2005, when I had the swab done, it had come back as positive for herpes. I told my ex that I was right all along. I still think he doesn't believe it, and I doubt he will tell his next girlfriend, because like a lot of people, if they don't see it or feel it they believe it can't be there. So now I'm thinking back to the outbreak I had so long ago and believe this new one was worse, which makes me worry that I have the other strain of herpes now. Then my ex tells me one day that we can no longer talk. I don't understand, until I pick up the phone at 7:30am and call him, only to have a girl answer. She said she's his new girlfriend. I actually ended up talking to her because she saw a text message I wrote to him saying I couldn't believe he strung me along, so she called to get answers. I didn't want to mess in this, but she called me. So I told her. I learned from her that they were together for a few months now, even though me and my ex only parted a month and a half prior. She also told me she was pregnant and had been living with him for like 2 months. Then my ex got on the phone and was so angry. He told me I was a bitch, a psycho ex girlfriend, and that I should just KILL MYSELF. Thats pretty harsh from someone you love, expecially when I know I am none of those, and he knows it too, he was just mad he was getting caught in his own lies.

So just to show you what I was dealing with at this point:

I had an outbreak, it caused me so much pain that I was in bed for an entire week, and had to call in sick to work numerous times, and a month later I still am not working or doing too much else for that matter. It's the leg pains from hell!

I was going through a breakup that I didn't understand, and wasn't eating, sleeping, I cried every day and was pretty much suicidal. And my ex was my best friend so I had no one.

I just found out that I already had herpes all this time.

I already had my fill of vaginal issues.

Oh and the random hook up may have given me another strain of herpes. (oh and he seemed like a good guy, told me I was cute and fun and stuff, then later called me a whore)

The thing is, I am really not a bitch, whore, psycho, or any of the above. I am probably one of the most loyal, respectful people I know. But to have someone I love tell me I should just kill myself, I really took that to heart.

So now I don't know what is going on with my body or mind. I know I miss having someone who loved me and wouldn't care about my vaginal issues. I know I feel like I won't ever have someone who will except all my issues. This whole time I have been writing this I have been crying because it hurts so much. I have been to counselling, I have been to the doctor numerous times, and I have shared somewhat with my remaining friends. I find this forum has helped me alot. But I have so much emotional and mental pain that some days I just don't feel like its worth trying anymore. I'm only 22 and fresh out of university and feel like my life is over. I can't really share everything with my friends because to me I feel gross. I really want my ex to suffer so bad. He deserves it way more then I do. This is just so much for me to handle right now. And I really do try, I do put on a happy face some days and just go out somewhere, but it is so tough, because inside I feel like I'm dying. Right now I have so much hatred in me, towards my ex, towards the random hookup, towards this virus, towards my other issues, towards doctors, and towards myself. I really can't forgive myself for what I've done/ didn't do.

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GodIsMerciful

It Takes Time

I don't think that you should feel like your life is over. I know that when you are first diagnosed things are really tough. When I told my ex that he gave me herpes, he called me a whore and told me that he was involved with another woman all along and that I was stupid and good luck finding someone to settle down with me. That hurt like hell, but what can you do. It hurt even more than a normal break up because now you are left with this lifelong reminder of this horrible relationship. I hope that things get easier for you and I would just leave/forget about the ex and work on healing yourself. I'm just starting to get better like 2 months after diagnosis, but still have bad days. I'm in no rush to enter into a physical relationship and just need time to breath. Sometimes that what you need, especially if you do want to have any stable relationships in the future. I know you are hurt and upset but be strong and know that your days will get better again.

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powerqu212

I feel the same way .I feel like I am in Hell .When i get an OB I wash my hands like crazy .When i apply caladryl I feel I might have touch a sore and go straight for the sanitizer.Ireapeat this over and over many times just to take a pee at a restroom you try to be careful when you pull your pants up not to touch any skin so as to reinfect another place and as for rubbing your nose or eye I try to find something completly clean maybe a washed shirt thats dry and sitting there away from everything.I know it might be a little much but one slip and you can get it in your Eye or Mouth even after you washed your hands really good when do you wash your face with those hands how do you know you killed all on your hands but even if you did ,I feel that washing your face right after is like playing russian roulette any way a virus is very nasty .When i sleep im praying I just don't itch down there late at night and then reach up and scratch my nose.A long time ago in the college dorms a guy was passed out laying there and some dude came up whipped out his balls and dragged them over the guys face and was laughing about it saying he had herpes .The a few weeks later he was asking around about the guy who did this to him because he had an OB on his face ,but I didn't know the guy that did this to him .He was very angry and said he was going to kill him when he finds him .I really believe he would .He had herpes all over his face the lips eyes forehead it was horrible .I am glad I never passed out that night Whew I ws shocked and said dude thats not cool and he said he was only joking around .I gave the guy a description of what he looked liked but it was hard too look in his eyes because he was very very angry I mean he was on the verge of killing someone his face was just so red and broken out I wanted to run away as fast as possible .If he finds that guy he will kill him now I know why he is so mad after getting this 23 years later I to wanted to kill her but i didnt but maybe if it was on my face like I saw noone could have stopped .This is like a rollercoaster from HELL!

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Eurydice
I just want to let this all out.

First off, I love this forum and all the people who respond and share what they are going through.

The thing is, I am really not a bitch, whore, psycho, or any of the above. I am probably one of the most loyal, respectful people I know. But to have someone I love tell me I should just kill myself, I really took that to heart.

So now I don't know what is going on with my body or mind. I know I miss having someone who loved me and wouldn't care about my vaginal issues. I know I feel like I won't ever have someone who will except all my issues. This whole time I have been writing this I have been crying because it hurts so much. I have been to counselling, I have been to the doctor numerous times, and I have shared somewhat with my remaining friends. I find this forum has helped me alot. But I have so much emotional and mental pain that some days I just don't feel like its worth trying anymore. I'm only 22 and fresh out of university and feel like my life is over. I can't really share everything with my friends because to me I feel gross. I really want my ex to suffer so bad. He deserves it way more then I do. This is just so much for me to handle right now. And I really do try, I do put on a happy face some days and just go out somewhere, but it is so tough, because inside I feel like I'm dying. Right now I have so much hatred in me, towards my ex, towards the random hookup, towards this virus, towards my other issues, towards doctors, and towards myself. I really can't forgive myself for what I've done/ didn't do.

feelingworthless22: I am very sorry that you are going through so difficult time.

You are a very good, sweet girl. Forget all those bad words, he said to you. He is weak and abusive.

And you have to forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. You had no idea that he was dishonest. If somebody needs forgiveness it's your ex boyfriend. He wasn't fair with both of you girls.

And what is very important: you are young, well educated and smarter now. People learn from mistakes. Don't lose your hope and try to relax.

He is not worthy all this pain and stress. Just forgive yourself and don't be angry at yourself. Love yourself. You deserve a great man and you will get one. When your stress is gone, your OB probably will be gone too. You are strong.:-D

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catiesmom

My goodness, you've been through quite a bit with this guy haven't you? I'm so sorry he ended up being this way. Sounds to me like he'll get his due with this new girlfriend when she rakes him over the coals for lying/child support/the relationship from hell. He'll probably look back his relationship with you as "the good ol' days" and maybe that's why he was stringing you along.

Either way, you are NOT those things he said! You are NOT a whore, you are NOT psycho, and you should ABSOLUTELY NOT kill yourself! You have SO much to offer the world, and your writing is a clear indication of that. It's not easy to pick yourself up after such a blow, but you CAN do it!!!! We have faith!

Let us know how you're doing. There's nothing like having a set of friends (real or internet) who can understand EXACTLY what you're going through!

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tenderheart22

Yes, I've been through quite a bit. But I always think that things could always be worse. That's pretty much what keeps me going. I really still have a lot of hate bottled in me though. I thought I was in love and found someone I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Only to have him leave me for someone else. And all I got out of it was herpes, and some lovely parting words. The whole situation made me hit rock bottom, I was such a wreck. Now I pretty much spend my days on this forum, since I barely get out of bed because I am still waiting for my leg pains to go away after a month, so needless to say I haven't worked in weeks. But I really do appreciate having this kind of support, oh the wonderful world wide web :). And since I spend so much time on this board I am going to try and help answer other peoples questions and concerns.

You know it is funny, because before this I never used to post on forums or chat rooms or anything, because I felt too shy. Now it's just seems so easy. Maybe because we all share a definite thing in common.

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gotitsowhat

Sorry you are going through this...

It seems clear that although your feelings for him were obviously sincere, his feelings for you were mainly exploitive.

I know that, for lots of reasons, sometimes relationships just don't work out. I know that sometimes people get into conflicts and quarrels. But the kind of names he called you would NEVER have been said by anyone who had ever loved you at all. Whatever he felt for you was NOT love. Even if someone is very angry at you, if he loves you, he will not use abusive names like that. No one who ever has truly loved someone can hurl ugly names at that person.

I know. I loved the guy who gave me herpes. He and I were together for quite a few years. Then he died. On the day he died, I found out that he'd been seeing one woman behind my back and there had been other women as well. I was incredibly hurt and sad. Three months later, I found out about the herpes. I have cried at his grave many times, asking him why he did what he did. I have been very, very angry with him. I spent ten years mourning him, afraid to have any social life, unable to trust anyone. And yet, for all that, I miss him. I loved him. And I could never hurl ugly names at him if I were to see him again (in the next life???) I know I might say some angry things. I know I would ask him how he could have treated me so badly when I loved him so much. But I don't think I could come up with abusive names and ugly things. It just would not work for me because what I felt for him was love and even though I am very angry and hurt, some of that love still remains.

The ugly behavior you describe is the behavior of an immature exploitive person. He showed no consideration for you at all. I hope you have completely written him off. The only thing you did wrong was to be with him in the first place and we all make mistakes. Telling you to commit suicide when you were hurting was as destructive a comment as anyone could make. That is plain emotional abuse. I hope you will not take any of it to heart. Replace the hurt he has caused you with justified anger at such an awful person. Try to figure out why you spent time with him in the first place and then learn from it so you won't wind up with another abusive person.

YOU are not the bad guy here. Give yourself a chance to feel that you are worth something because you are--anyone who can reach out and love is not worthless. This is just a bad time you are going through. Get through it and the sun will shine for you again.

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tenderheart22

Yes it is true that I don't think if you really love someone or care about them that you could say those things. In the whole time he was yelling this at me I never said anything mean back. I almost wish I had :???:. But what would that have proved? Nothing.

I'm sorry for your loss Brainyblonde. Please tell me things got better for you. Because I do feel pretty antisocial right now, and don't think I will trust anyone again.

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jaat86

feelingworthless

Hi there,

Just wanted to let you know that there are alot of stories very similar to yours. I know what you mean about feeling worthless - but dont do that to yourself because you know its not true.

We all make mistakes & we just have to learn to deal with one thing at a time & move on.

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend, my best & only friend. After my diagnosis he just stopped talking to me....after he tells me that he cheated & has now moved on to another girlfriend. They way I see it, we're better of without these type of guys in our lives. And I am a firm believer: what goes around, comes around. So I'm sure you know all about karma....

Life can be so unfair sometimes, even cruel.

Just try to take care YOU - maybe even go talk to someone if necessary. I've been seeing a therapist & its helped. Its been almost a month since I was diagnosed. I just take each day as it comes. Some days are good, some are bad (unfortunately today has been a rough day).

But you will find alot of people one this site you can relate to what you're going thru.

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