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stayingsafe

HSV Twice, But I Learned So Much

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stayingsafe

About 2 months ago my boyfriend told me that he has HSV1 orally and has had it for 10 years now. I had previously had an experience dating a guy who had HSV2 genitally and I found out (luckily before anything happened between us) by accident. I was so angry that he didnt give any kind of indication that he had it, constantly wanted sex and tried to make me feel bad for thinking he was the cruelest person in the world for not telling me. I grew up with a family member that I knew had herpes but I never knew what that really meant until I got older. Now I know she has it orally and genitally. Everyone in my family dislikes her husband, who gave it to her and didnt tell her he had it. He might even have it in his eye. The rule was always just dont kiss her, let her kiss you or use the bathroom right after her and you'll be fine. I always grew up thinking that if you had herpes everyone would know. You would have hideous sore and everyone would know thats what caused it. When I found out the guy I had been dating for about 2 weeks had it, everything crashed down. I had kissed him a few times before and thought that for sure a secound encounter with it meant I lost. The depression, anxiety, hurt, everything just came at once. It felt like I was being thrown off the top of a building in a steel box with holes. I could feel myself falling with nothing to grip onto, the air moving around me and thinking once the box finally crashed it wouldnt shatter, just hurt more on impact. (This was exactly how I felt, I had panic attacks constantly). In the back of my mind I felt like I didnt have HSV but the possiblity alone tortured me. All the while, I felt so bad for my boyfriend having contracted it from someone who knew she had it and didnt say anything. Looking back, he always had an awkward sadness about him when we got close. I continued to see him but had to adjust to make sure I kept myself safe. I didnt want him to feel like he was "dirty" or "bad" or "worthless" because I know it took a lot of courage for him to tell me. I guess what I'm trying to say is the more I read about the facts and personal stories, the more my heart really goes out to people with the virus. Even though I was misinformed as a child, I could never imagine myself treating anyone badly because they had HSV or AIDS or anything else. As scary as it was, I'm glad this hit so close to home because I feel like I really learned a lot about people and trust. Its only been 2 months but by him telling me, I feel like everything I liked about him before is just 10 times better. I know it was hard and I pretty sure I woudn't have the courage to even try to meet people if I had it. I know what I'm saying really doesn't mean much since I dont have HSV but everytime I read stories about people thinking they're cursed for life I think about writing this. No matter if its HSV or an accident you've been in or just something like the way your body was made, there's always going to be some moron that has something to say. Once the shock wears off, I hope you realize, HSV doesnt mean the whole world sees you and brands you "dirty" or "worthless." HSV is just a part of my bf's life but its not him and I love just the way he is :D

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