in turmoil. please help...

[californiagrl 0]

hi. i'm new to this site but needed to reach out. i am completely terrified to tell someone i am falling in love with that i have herpes. we have had a sexual relationship for a couple of months and have religiously used condoms (i also take valtrex and have been asymptomatic for ages). i honestly believed that i had not put him at risk until i began searching for some statistics to help me plan my talk and realized that i could have still put him at risk. i'm devastated.

i got herpes from an exboyfriend who didnt know he had it. i have never told anyone. i thought it best to wait until i knew i could trust him this new man in my life, knew that he had genuine feelings for me until i shared something this personal with him. i was always confident that i had done right by him and not put him at risk. i know it's very low but still. he's a wonderful man and i feel like a terrible person.

what do i do now?

[dnd3d 0]

hi. i'm new to this site but needed to reach out. i am completely terrified to tell someone i am falling in love with that i have herpes. we have had a sexual relationship for a couple of months and have religiously used condoms (i also take valtrex and have been asymptomatic for ages). i honestly believed that i had not put him at risk until i began searching for some statistics to help me plan my talk and realized that i could have still put him at risk. i'm devastated.

i got herpes from an exboyfriend who didnt know he had it. i have never told anyone. i thought it best to wait until i knew i could trust him this new man in my life, knew that he had genuine feelings for me until i shared something this personal with him. i was always confident that i had done right by him and not put him at risk. i know it's very low but still. he's a wonderful man and i feel like a terrible person.

what do i do now?

Your in some situation, I don't know how I would react to someone telling me they had herpes after we had sex for months. I'd be a little shocked and probably pissed off because you kept it from me. Don't be surprised if your new man decided to bail on you. There's never a good time frame to tell someone about herpes, can't tell them after the third date but you can't tell them after you've had sex either. If you've dated for three weeks and you guys are going to get intimate it's a good time to let them know. You'll be making a HUGE sacrifice by risking the relationship by telling the person. It's a hard decision allot of people need to make, some don't and pretend they don't know. On the other hand, it's a tough decision for the other person too. They need to decided between you and the virus. Allot of people on this forum are saying if they truly loved you, they'd stay, but I believe otherwise. I think people are more willing to losing someone they care about with herpes to find someone that doesn't have herpes or any STD. I know I wouldn't date anyone with any other STD's. Even the thought of dating someone WITH herpes even though I have herpes is a tough decision for me.

[Kya 1]

It is entirly down to you if you do tell, no one can force you to do so. However, I ask you this....

If you were in a relationship with someone, and had been having sex. Then you wake up to find this strange sore on ur genitals, got it checked out only to learn that you had contracted herpes from your partner. Ok fair enough if they didnt know they had it, but imagin if they did and just....forgot to tell you. Would you be ok with the fact they had knowingly exposed you? and subsequently infected you with something you had no choice or say in if you wanted to take the risk?

I personally would be horrified!!

Apologies, but you may have already done the damage, BUT if you come clean and tell him then he can get checked out and know before he has a 'strange sore on his genitals' and is clueless as to what it could be.

A relationship based on lies is no real relationship. If you are keeping secets from him, esp. ones that could physically affect him... its just not right.

In what ever you decide, I do hope things are not too bad for you. Its hard enough having this, let alone trying to have a normal sex life and having to take that leap and hope they feel you are worth it.

[inspired83 1]

People are split on this subject about telling the other person. For me, personally, I've been open about having this to people I choose to tell. I've had hsv2 a little less than a year. I've yet to be intimate with anyone but have been close. I've told 2 guys that I really like. The first one was totally cool with it. He is older than me and has been with someone who has hsv. He knows the risk. However, things fizzled before we got intimate. The 2nd guy I told kind of freaked out about it. Things got hot and steamy one night but I told him no before anything happened. I told him the next day. (I couldn't reach him by phone so I sent him an email). He replied back, shocked, but I told him in detail that I didn't want to hurt him and that I have a crush on him. I told him to take his time dealing with this. I checked back with him a week later. He said he was shocked and a little freaked out but was thankful that I said something. He and I still hang out and are good friends. We make out but that's about the extent to it. I think he doesn't want a committed relationship right now plus I know he is very busy working 2 sometimes 3 jobs.

I do think you need to tell your guy. Tell him that you do like him and don't want to hurt him. I would direct him to this site. This site has a lot of useful information. For me, I didn't know chicken pox, or shingles were a herpes virus. It will hurt telling him because you are scared but it's for the best. You don't want to end up dating him, get serious, you shed, and he surprisingly ends up with a sore. I think he would be even more hurt by that, in my opinion, than not telling sooner than later. Good luck!!

[pleasehelp123 0]

californigal

hi californigal,

I can see where u are coming from, i had to tell my partner who i love soo much about this a month ago. when i found out he was at work and i was soo mad at him because i have hardly had any partners and he has had ALOT. so i did a stupid thing and broke up with him. he came out ov work crying and met me and told me he loves me and cant be without me and that no matter where this has came from ( hes never had an OB) he still wants to be with me. we broke up for all of 2 hours llol and then we got back together, i stayed at his for the week i had my OB because i didnt want to be alone, and he helped me so much we had never been closer in the 8 months weve been togther,when i told him about it i realised how much he dus love me, and that he means all the things he had ever said to me before we foind out about this. if u are fallign in love and he is too he wont see you any different. your still the same person you can still do the same things, your not dying, you dont need intenstive treatment. your still you. i know its scarey and hard and if i was in a new relationship i dont know what id do, but you should really try and tell him. my bf told me if i hadnt have told him and he had woke up with a sore on day or found my med he wud have broke up with me simply because it effects him aswell and i didnt tell him, you should tell him if you are planningon being with this guy long term.

hope all goes welll

[estoy_perdida 0]

I'm sorry you have to be going through such a dilemma. Life sometimes isn't fair and that just sucks! I agree with Kya. If you come clean to him and if he's really the guy for you, then he'll be okay with it. He may be upset at first, but if you two are meant to be, then hopefully he'll see past this little nuisance and see how dumb he'd be if he let you walk out of his life! The decision is up to you, of course. But, if you have such strong feelings for him then why wouldn't you want to come clean? The blow of the news may be made better by having a lot of knowledge about H in case he asks a lot of questions. The first time I told a guy, he got upset because we had kissed. I have ghsv and there's no way he could have gotten it from me by kissing. I failed to clearly explain my herpes situation so he thought I had still put him at risk. So, in case you do tell him, make sure to get the facts straight so he clearly understands you. Whatever you choose to do, good luck!

[Eurydice 2]

hi. i'm new to this site but needed to reach out. i am completely terrified to tell someone i am falling in love with that i have herpes. we have had a sexual relationship for a couple of months and have religiously used condoms (i also take valtrex and have been asymptomatic for ages). i honestly believed that i had not put him at risk until i began searching for some statistics to help me plan my talk and realized that i could have still put him at risk. i'm devastated.

i got herpes from an exboyfriend who didnt know he had it. i have never told anyone. i thought it best to wait until i knew i could trust him this new man in my life, knew that he had genuine feelings for me until i shared something this personal with him. i was always confident that i had done right by him and not put him at risk. i know it's very low but still. he's a wonderful man and i feel like a terrible person.

what do i do now?

Hi californiagrl,

I can imagine how hard it is for you now. Suddenly you realized that he was at risk and could contract herpes from you.

The only way to resolve this is to tell him. He doesn't have to be infected.

Be prepared that he might be upset at the beginning. But don't give up.

It's the only way to have him, also, I am sorry to lose him.

Some man don't want to risk and just leave. You can read some stories here about that. But you have to give him this choice. It's up to him if he

wants to stay or leave. Don't be afraid honey, you will be fine. It hurts to be rejected but it happens all the time and not only because of herpes.

I wish you all the best. And I hope he will stay with you.

[beachday 0]

California girl I am in the same boat. I met a great guy. he will be the first I tell since I found out I got H. I am so chicken $hit that I can't do it by phone or in person. I am going to send an email. That way if it doesn't work out, I never have to talk or see him again. You should tell him the truth before it is too late.

[gotitsowhat 15]

At this point...

you are almost certainly suffering more from not telling him than you would from telling him. Aren't you?

Just say, "This is very hard for me because I have come to care about you so much. There is something I need to tell you about my health. Please hear me out before you comment. I take Valtrex to control my herpes. I honestly believed that taking Valtrex and using condoms would protect you so I didn't think it was necessary to tell you about the herpes. I thought you were protected from it and I didn't want to tell you something that would make me look bad or ugly to you. Now I have done some further research and have found out that although condoms offer some protection and Valtrex helps a lot, the protection is not perfect and I have been putting you at risk--even though it is a very small risk--of contracting herpes. I feel really terrible about this. I have hesitated to tell you because I have been afraid you would just drop me and I'd lose you forever. But I am telling you because I want to give you the choice of deciding to take a statistically small risk of getting herpes or of avoiding intimacy with me in order to protect yourself from it. Telling you this is hard but I cannot allow you to be ignorant of the situation now that I am not."

If it is too hard to tell him, send him an email or a letter. Or give him the above words printed out and ask him to read them while you are in the room.

Believe it or not, you will feel a lot better knowing you did the right thing. And, if he cares for you in any real way, he will be willing to take a small risk of getting a minor skin virus. This may be the defining moment in your relationship when you discover whether he really loves you or is only fond of you and having sex with you.

And, if worst comes to worst, he would be rejecting a VIRUS, not you.

Let us know how it comes out. I have a feeling it will be better than you fear.

[beachday 0]

OMG, can I steal this from you? It is perfect. I could never say it in person, maybe by phone one day.

[lalalalifegoeson 1]

Am I the only one....?!?!??!

I don't know why, but I find this hard to believe. Maybe I"m not being forgiving enough, but how in the world do you have a virus that you are knowledgable enough about to know you can be asymptomatic but still be carrier and be on daily medication and NOT know that you can still transmit?!?!? You clearly have the resources to research online, you're not an irresponsible teen, how is it possible you haven't previously looked into this or not seen any of the advertisements constantly on tv and in the magazines that say over and over that no matter what you are not completely protected?!?!?! Not to mention which you are NEVER fully protected from ANY STD simply with condoms. Never. If I was this guy, I would feel horribly betrayed and mistreated. At the very least you want to know that the person you are with has your best interests at heart and keeping this from him, even if he has not contracted HSV, seems to reflect such disregard for his health. You have a lot of explaining, and soul searching to do.

[HC-Support-Team 1,042]

Posts merged

Hi californiagrl,

Welcome to the forum.

I have merged all of your reponses to this post into one thread to make it easier to find all of the replies to your post.

In future, please do not make duplicate posts

Thanks heaps,

Shenda

[gotitsowhat 15]

Sure...

OMG, can I steal this from you? It is perfect. I could never say it in person, maybe by phone one day.

Feel free to use my script adapted for your own speaking style or copied and handed to the significant other.