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inspired83

It's been almost a year....a rant, a very long rant

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inspired83

So I just wanted to let off some steam. I typically write in my journal but typing goes so much quicker that I just need to get it out. It's been almost a year (in Aug) since I was diagnosed and contracted hsv2. I'm having a hard time with it. I'm stressing myself out by not having any friends (a totally different topic) and having flashbacks of last august.

I don't remember a lot of what happened. I travelled to meet a friend who lived 3-4 hours from me. We hadn't seen each other in years. I was unemployed and had the time to take off. I was stressed out to begin with and on top of that anxious and nervous to see him again. I knew in my stomach that I shouldn't have gone seen him but I was bored and went anyway. He could have easily come to see me but looking back at it now, he really wasn't that kind of guy.

I knew in my mind and in my heart that we wouldn't date or anything would become of me going to see him. I didn't even want to have sex with him, so that wasn't my plan of going to see him. I finally get up there and see him. I was planning on staying the weekend (saturday/sunday). I remember hanging out with him at his place, cuddling, walking around (he lives in a major city) and exploring. I remember going to the pier and watching fireworks. I remember not feeling that great sitting there. It was a hot, humid day. My bloodsugar was low even though I had just eaten. I was exhausted after the fireworks but he wanted to go out to a club to hang out with his friends. I'm not that type of girl that goes to bars/clubs and does the night life. I know we didn't go but I do remember stopping at a restaurant and having a few drinks. I remember being tipsy and walking back to his place. I remember getting back to his place and him inviting his friends over. I didn't feel like being social so I layed down on his bed. I don't ever remember having sex or consenting to it.

What I do remember is waking up, confused. Not confused on where I was but confused on why I felt shitty. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was raped, if I was drugged, if the 2 drinks I had just really got to me and I had sex with my friend or what. I'm still so confused now. I know I did wake up a few hours after falling asleep and it was very early in the morning where the sun was rising. His friends were still there.

The flashbacks are in pieces. I remember cuddling with him, just him and me, on the couch later that morning. I know I wanted to leave but I wasn't feeling well (either from the drinks, a drug?, or just feeling like crap to begin with) so I didn't want to drive the 3-4 hour trip back home. I wanted to stay but he wasn't paying attention to me, so I said goodbye and I left.

I got home and slept. The next day (approximately 48 hours after having intercourse) I felt like shit. I thought it was the flu or a cold. My body ached, my head hurt (like a sinus cold), and I just blew it off. I didn't have insurance (still don't) so going to the dr was difficult to do or rather pay for. As the week went on, I got worse. I did have an interview that finally landed me a job that week but me feeling like shit didn't help me on my first day. I remember taking all kinds of otc medicines. I thought it was the flu, a yeast infection (I was itchy at that time), and anything that would stop the bumps that were now forming. I shaved so I could see the bumps and didn't realize it at the time but spread it all over the lips of my vagina. I barely could pee it hurt so badly. I was also torn on my vagina near the back like the guy had a big girth. I finally sucked it up and talked to my mom. I told her that I had sex (not rape as I couldn't make her go through that pain and since I don't know the truth, that is what she believes). She convinced me to go the emergency room because I was having a hard time peeing. I do remember looking online thinking in the back of mind, far, far back there that it could possibly be hsv. I didn't want to believe it but since I wasn't sure what happened, I couldn't rule it out. I spent more than 3 hours at the hospital because they needed me to go pee to rule out pregnancy but I couldn't.

I wasn't pregnant but the ER nurse concluded that it was herpes. I was crushed. I still am. I thought how could this happen to me. I know I always haven't been the good girl and not have sex with a guy until I'm in a relationship. I know that I used myself in the past (before hanging out with this friend) that I used my body. I had learned about a year before seeing him again that I can't be that person, that I needed to mature and act responsible. I thought I had. I knew I wasn't invincible and that anytime I had sex that I was risking myself for anything that is out there.

I think now, though, being unemployed and anxious really caused my immune level to decrease. I wish on the blood tests for hsv (or any std) that it would say how long it has been in your body. Because after reading from this site and talking to others, that I may have hsv before the incident. I know for certain that I had intercouse because I had a tear that wasn't there before.

It took months before I didn't have an ob every 10 days. I've had my 2nd bad ob this past week because I've been stressing myself out. I've learned a lot. I've lost all my friends, partially from this virus and partially from other reasons. I've met 2 guys that have been ok with me having this virus but 1 guy met someone else so nothing happened. And the other guy just wants me as a friend. I stay as positive as I can and tell myself that if they can't accept me with this virus then they aren't worth my time. I know more people have it than what is discussed. Since I live in the midwest, things are still have a social stigma attached to it. I haven't had sex since and not only is it killing me (my longest stretch yet.....:shock:) and I'm scared to be with someone again. I'm scared of passing it on even though I've told them upfront.

I want to know what happened to me that weekend. I no longer talk to that person. I did ask him after I went to the ER if we had sex and if so if he had herpes. He said no to both. He said he would go get checked anyhow, to prove it to me, but thus far has shown me no results. I was mad at him at first but now I just want to know the truth. I've accepted what has happened to me and that I have hsv. I want to be able to have friends again and meet a guy and date.

I don't expect people to reply to this. It's ok if no one does. I just needed to vent, cry some, and let it out. I know with each year it will get better for me. Not only has my 20's been horrible (I'm only 25), but it has been an emotional one. I suffer from depression already and thriving to not let it get to me. I'm glad this website is here. It really has helped me.

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jaat86

Hi ashl1801

I'm sorry you're going thru such a tough time - its defintely a rough thing to go thru but hopefully you will get a chance to read some of the post & see that you're not the only one going thru it. Its been a little over 30 days since I've found out & I have good days/bad days. I started seeing a therapist because the betrayal (my story is similar to yours) was eating me alive. I'm still crushed, angry & have bouts of depression.

Have you thought about getting some kind of counseling?

The first thing u have to do is not blame yourself - accept the fact that what's done - is done & there isnt a one thing you can do to change it. I've only told 2close friends & they both keep telling me to accept it & move on but they dont understand its not that easy. You have so many emotions going on not to mention the physical aspects of having herpes. I think the reason why my OB has lasted so long is because I've stressed myself out so bad about it. You're only 25 - you have your whole life ahead of you.

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catiesmom

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time with this. I can only imagine how awful it must feel to not know what happened, and end up with a reminder like THIS. I hope posting here makes you feel better inside, and i hope you find connections here that make this easier to handle.

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regret

i think going to a counselor is a good idea, we all need somone to talk to and relaity is many of our friends cannot relate to what we are going through...since you cant seem to really remeber too much of what happened im wondering if he didnt drug your drink?(the date rape drug)? i think going to a therapist woud help you a lot..its not your fault,, and we all go through periods where we are depressed over this situation...some good some bad..... sorry to hear yur having such a tough time(understandbly) take care and try to work through it little by little

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gotitsowhat

Sorry to know you are going through this

Hope you feel better soon. Counseling might help.

Also, you might want to consider hypnosis. A good qualified hypnotherapist will be able to access the memory of what happened that night. If it was rape, you should at least know that it was and you can then decide what to do. If not, it might be reassuring to find out what actually did, or did not, happen.

One thing I have learned over the years is that, if you are an adult, you can't just be casual about being in the kind of circumstances where sex tends to occur. I am not in any way saying that if he drugged or raped you, it was your fault because if that is what happened the fault would be all his, not yours. I am just saying that if you spend time with someone and then, for whatever reason, lie down on their bed in their apartment, especially if drinking is involved, it is just too easy to have it slide into sexual behavior without anyone planning on it. Sex has a way of happening between people who spend time together even when one has not "planned" on it happening. People are just designed that way. My own policy is to avoid any potentially sexual situation, even being alone with a guy, if I don't intend for sexual possibilities to happen.

You will start to feel better in time no matter what actually happened but I think it is easier to start feeling better if you know the facts. There are basically two ways to find out what happened that night: Hypnosis or asking the guy involved to take a lie detector test and state he did not have sex with you and/or did not give you a knock-out drug. I'd find out the truth--then you'll know exactly what you have to come to terms with beside the bad break of getting herpes.

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tenderheart22

I think counselling is a good idea. That's what I've been doing. And venting on here is in it's own way a therapy. Write whatever you feel, we won't judge you, and a lot of us can probably relate to some of what you are feeling. I think it makes it harder to go through this alone. As for not having any friends.... I think you have just found some, US!

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standard

Since you don't remember, you MUST have been RAPED.

I don't remember the girl I fucked to get herpes, therefore she raped me right?

Damn, I should sue that bitch too!!

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gotitsowhat

?????????

Since you don't remember, you MUST have been RAPED.

I don't remember the girl I fucked to get herpes, therefore she raped me right?

Damn, I should sue that bitch too!!

The poster was NOT jumping to these conclusions--rape was only one of several possibilities she has considered. And, so far, she is not even considering suing anyone. And, if you are unconscious, in all states there is no assumption of consent although most people in that situation decide to accept their own lack of personal responsibility and write it off rather than taking any legal action.

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