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calculatedcha0s

Just need someone to listen...

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calculatedcha0s

I never thought I'd actually be posting -- I've mostly been lurking -- but I can't take it anymore. I'm having such a hard time with all of this. I'm in nursing school, graduating in August, and it all started on one of my shifts a couple weeks ago. I just didn't "feel good".

Then the fever came, plus some respiratory stuff. But it kind of cleared up. About 4 days later, it came back with a vengeance. My fever shot up higher than before, I was nauseous, achy. That's when I really started to notice how "sore" I was on my vagina. I only saw one bump on my external labia, and tried to brush the paranoid "Omg-I-have-an-STD!!!" thoughts out of my head. Plus, I was just focused on the fever and other symptoms.

Coincidentally, I had an gynecologist appointment that I had to go to after a few days of the second round of sickness. I really didn't feel like going -- I was scheduled for a colposcopy -- but I had a feeling I should. If anything, she could put my thoughts of STDs to rest.

Well, she looked at my vagina, and saw not only the bump on the outside, but sores on the inside of my vagina. When she took cultures with a Q-tip, I was in so much pain that I gripped the sides of the chair and muttered a series of explicatives while crying.

Then she told me it looked like herpes. "Yeah...I'm sorry, hon...I've seen it plenty and this just looks like herpes to me." I was in absolute shock. Me? Herpes? I'm too intelligent to get that. I CAN'T have it. Then the list of people I've slept with runs through my head, and I'm wondering who was it, who betrayed me?

And here I am now. I've lost about 13 pounds since I've been sick for the past couple of weeks. I just can't eat anything. Too nauseous. My fever is gone, but the depression has worsened. And the anger. And the shame. I've told my mom, which actually really helped -- more than I thought. And I told the guy I'm sleeping with, who doesn't think he has it. I honestly think he gave it to me, because at the end of April, I had a clean bill of health, and now I don't. Only slept with 2 people between then, so it could be the other guy, but I just have a feeling. I also have a feeling the guy I was with won't go to the doctor like I asked him to.

So, I broke it off. My trust in men has been demolished. And I hate the most feminine part of myself, and hate that I hate it. I've been avoiding people at all costs, even my best friend, who I haven't told -- and probably won't tell.

Please tell me this gets better. I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired of the nightmares, as well as the slew of physical complaints I can mention. I just hate myself right now and can't even imagine going through another outbreak.

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regret

it will get better, we have all felt the same way as you when we were diagnosed...its devastating,,,but you come to grips with it eventually and life goes on..the chances are the guy who you wer with and or oters didnt know they had it,most guys have no symptoms, so its not a matter of blame its how your going to carry on with your life..we all have been there and in time it does get better, are you on anyhitng? read as muchas you can on here and you will see that many were feeling the same way..we all make mistakes and wish we could take it back, but it does make us all stronger in the end..with you going into the medicl field you can help many others who are afflicted withthis virus and know first hand what it feels like, you have already been given a gidft to help many others...dont let this define who you are or were youwant to be inlife,,it does get better, its all in how one percieves it...once you dont have the pain from the ob, you can feel normal again and your outlook changes...

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calculatedcha0s

Thanks regret...I'm just having a bad day. Sometimes I'm okay with it and think, hey, I can do this. And then other times I get so BITTER about it (like today). I'll know more about my antibodies and stuff tomorrow when I call my doctor for the results. That will definitely be interesting.

I'm on Valtrex and a 1000 mg Lysine supplement. So I guess that's good. Right now, I'm just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and my vagina hurts a LOT.

Today, I feel bitter towards men because many of them don't have any symptoms. And I feel angry at myself. :( I'm trying to keep my head up, though.

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gotitsowhat

Hang in there...

We all know what you are going through. For most of us, the first outbreak is the worst, both physically and psychologically. There may be no way to be sure of who gave it to you. All you can do is tell those you think may have it. It is then their responsibility to get checked. Since they are adults, you can't make them be responsible. Your job is to inform them of the situation. If that is hard, consider sending an anonymous email which you can do from this very website--see the menu in blue letters to the right.

In a few years, there will be better meds to treat this and probably a vaccine which will pretty much erase the social stigma and problem herpes presents for us. Meanwhile, I take Valtrex and it helps the outbreaks be shorter. Valtrex can also be used for suppressive therapy under certain circumstances; check with the doctor.

This should not be seen by you as a badge of shame. It is a VIRUS, pretty much the same one that causes the common cold sore that about 80% of the population has. About 20% of the population has genital herpes. Many people have no symptoms and it is even possible that you may never have another outbreak particularly if you take good care of yourself and keep your immune system strong.

I know about the resentment and anger and bitterness. I did not go out socially for over 10 years after I was diagnosed! Now I am more embarrassed by that than I am about having genital herpes. I am completely open and out of the closet about it and I refuse to live with shame anymore. It was not my fault that I got it from my cheating lover (he died of lung cancer a couple of months before I started getting the symptoms). It is not your fault that someone, possibly some guy who had no symptoms, gave it to you. Most of us human adults are not virgins. We have, or have had, love lives. Sometimes people get herpes--you are just unlucky, not bad. Although anger toward this situation is understandable and I still feel that way at times, I know that it really helps to remember that this is just bad luck, not a sign there is something awful about me. You will find ways to cope. Just hang in there and know that there are better days ahead.

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tenderheart22

I just wanted to post to say that you really aren't alone. Since I came on this board it has made me feel so much better. I'm still in pain after over a month and I haven't gone back to work so I just hang out on this board allllll the time. lol. I have the same up and down days as you and probably everyone else. I just keep hoping that like everyone says "it will get better". I recommend ready lots of information on this site and listening to other's stories. It helps!!

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Eurydice

Thanks regret...I'm just having a bad day. Sometimes I'm okay with it and think, hey, I can do this. And then other times I get so BITTER about it (like today). I'll know more about my antibodies and stuff tomorrow when I call my doctor for the results. That will definitely be interesting.

I'm on Valtrex and a 1000 mg Lysine supplement. So I guess that's good. Right now, I'm just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and my vagina hurts a LOT.

Today, I feel bitter towards men because many of them don't have any symptoms. And I feel angry at myself. :( I'm trying to keep my head up, though.

Hi calculatedcha0s.

I am very sorry that it happened to you too.

There is many hurting people here... I have days like yours also. Last time, yesterday. Kya helped me.

First of all: don't feel angry at yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. It just happened to you. Should someone with cancer be angry with him/herself? Or for example a raped young girl. We didn't ask for it, it just happened to us. And there is so many people with herpes and no symptoms that it's really hard not to get infected. Condoms give you only 50% protection.

Good for you that you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think this thing is reserved for dead people.

You just keep your chin up, you are still the some, lovely, ambitious girl.

It's hard at the beginning, but when you read more here, people get used to it, your system will get stronger and outbreaks will not be so hard. The first outbreak is the worst one.

Please read something about your diet, it also helps to know what you shouldn't eat to keep OBs away from yourself.;)

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Eurydice
I just wanted to post to say that you really aren't alone. Since I came on this board it has made me feel so much better. I'm still in pain after over a month and I haven't gone back to work so I just hang out on this board allllll the time. lol. I have the same up and down days as you and probably everyone else. I just keep hoping that like everyone says "it will get better". I recommend ready lots of information on this site and listening to other's stories. It helps!!

feelingworthless22, you should change your name. How can you call yourself like that. You are a young, special woman, and women are strong.

Everyone feels bad from time to time, some people herpes free commit suicide. But trust me, not because of H. Start feeling worthy. It a good time to change it.:mrgreen:

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Kya

Hey people!

Its been 4 months since I was told and there were days when i sat there all day, locked in my room crying, only to brighten up a bit, watch a bit of a film and for no apparent reason start crying again!!

Even though Im feeling better about it all im still going to talk to someone about it. Think the knowing im doing somehting about how I feel is making it a little easier to handle. The whole... I dont have to sit here and panic on my own! And nor do you!

Talking about it helps alot!! My family and friend who knows about my condition are probaly sick of me talking about it but tough! lol It makes me face up to the facts and it helps me deal with it. And they know this.

Eurydyke is right, you really shouldnt blame yourself! The guy that gave this to you may honestly not have known that he had it! There is no way of fully protecting ones self from this. Even there are no symptoms there is a 5% chance of catching this, and condoms (since they dont cover the entire gential area) mean that there is still a 2% chance of catching it.

How can you blame youself for catching this when you didnt realise there was anything there to be caught?? Even if you are totally clued up on the subject... it wont stop you catching things!

The common cold... everyone knows what the symptoms are of that. Someone sneezing, caughing etc... stay away if you can, no one wants to have sleepless nights due to a blocked nose and feel crappy for days. However there is no way of really preventing the spread of that!! I know its a little less serious as herpes, but its on the same principle.

The only way to make sure you dont catch anything it not to have sex or kiss anyone. Just incase they might be carrying someone. But who can actually do that? Being human automatically means that we enjoy physical contact with others, being held by a lover etc. We cant avoid it, shutting ourselves away is not the answer. It will only make you feel worse about yourself.

Its hard I know, believe me! As does everyone else who is on this board. They all have their up's and downs. Days where they can see a little ray of light and feel that maybe things arent so bad, and days where (like me) we sit in our rooms and run through every worse possible scenario. it really is normal to feel like it.

In time you will hopefully start to feel better, if not then go and speak to someone. It is what they are there for, its their job! If they didnt care they wouldnt be in that business. if you feel you cant talk to anyone face to face then of course rant and vent your frustration with us! We all know how you feel!!

Feel better soon hun!

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Support1

Calculatedcha0s,

When I read your post, I thought it was about me. I felt the same way you did when I was first diagnosed. It has been 2 and a half years since I found out and it has definitely been an emotional roller coaster. I feel okay when I am not sick, but when I am sick; I get frustrated and start becoming bitter again. My pain comes and goes. Most of my pain is located in my back, legs, head and arms. It fluctuates between different body parts and I just have to bare it until it goes away. When I do take an antiviral, they do help, but I don't want to take them so frequently. Keep your head up and most importantly is that you have a support group with your family and friends.

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Kya
I feel okay when I am not sick, but when I am sick; I get frustrated and start becoming bitter again.

Ditto, think that might be why im ok at the moment, becasue I havent had an ob for a few weeks. But when I did have one, I was so low, i was below basement level!

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skydreams

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish there were something that someone could say or do that would make this vanish, but all you can do is try to put yourself past it.

Dealing with this is going to be a challenge and is going to make you a stronger person than you probably ever thought you were capable of being. The first step is to stop being ashamed of yourself, to hate that little micro organism and not yourself or whoever it is that gave it to you. Killing yourself over hating a person is not going to make anything better - it'll just get that little virus replicating faster since your immune system is taxed from your stress.

To be honest, I'm only not a mess at this point because I'm on Celexa. I had actually gained some weight since being diagnosed because I'm prone to binge eating, and that particular medicine disassociates the need to eat for emotional reasons, which is why it was chosen for me. I still get upset of course, but I kinda feel predisposed to be happy all the time, kind of like when you're in love and you carry that happy glow with you everywhere, except not so hippy dippy. I'm happy to report I've lost weight too. You may want to talk to your health care provider about an antidepressant if you feel you are letting too much sink while you're depressed.

But it does get better, you'll build up antibodies and the outbreaks will come fewer and farther in between. It will suck when your coworkers (I'm not a nurse, but I work in a clinic) make cracks at herpes or STDs, but that's part of the whole growing deal. You're in for a challenge and things will be different, but you will become better and stronger because of it all, not worse.

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Eurydice
Ditto, think that might be why im ok at the moment, becasue I havent had an ob for a few weeks. But when I did have one, I was so low, i was below basement level!

You are funny, Kya. This is exactly how I felt yesterday. My ass was burning and I was going insane. Today is much better, it still hurts but I don't care. OB is almost over, and I have to admit that it was much milder than the first one. This website is great. At the same time when we talk to someone to help, we also talk to ourselves and it works for us too.

Good luck for everybody and keep in touch. It works.

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Kya
. At the same time when we talk to someone to help, we also talk to ourselves and it works for us too.

Aye, tis very true. Makes you go over all the info again and again, and you come to realise that its not SO bad. Yes, there are some things that we will have to deal with when the time comes, cope with annoying sores and symptms when they decide to pop up.

Though sometimes it is difficult to take your own advice. You tell someone to not be so low, and yet you find yourself hiding in a corner, crying. It hard, but we are not alone.

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