Feel just awful (My story)

[sad2bhere]

I was diagnosed almost ten years ago - got H from my fiance at the time. He didn't even know he had it, but I had seen a sore on his penis one time and about three weeks later - you guessed it. The gyno took one look at me and told me "It looks like herpes". Fiance and I cried together, prayed together, and we never knew for SURE who gave it to who, but I know I never had a sore before that relationship.

Fast forward to ten years later. The marriage went down the tubes. Hubby decided he liked propositioning prostitutes, he was arrested for soliciting twice. I didn't catch any other social diseases from him, thank God, and I got tested for everything in the book after his last arrest. He was fortunate to not have many OB's, whereas, the more miserable the marriage became, the more often I broke out. Things progressed to almost an OB per month, strained sexual relations and him accusing me of 'making up' an OB in order to avoid sex with him. (sweet, eh?)

In 2003 after discovering multiple girlfriend names in his cell phone logs, and condoms under the seat of his pickup, I ended the relationship and our divorce is still pending. I moved across country to work in another state and was quite unprepared for the idea of being someone with H trying to date.

And in truth, I went on a little bit of a sexual binge after the separation. Amazingly, I didn't have breakouts much - probably because the stress of the marriage was over. I never have had to have that 'three dates and confess' prior to having sex with a man because I was on a tear of having only protected casual sex.... one night stands. The only thing non negotiable was a condom.

Of course, it wasn't perfect, anyone going through a period of time like that isn't really getting what they need. Divorcing people really can be acting a fool! Until I met A. And I met A in much the same way, it was a one night hookup. Yes, we used condoms. The first night with him was magic, which is why I got scared and flipped out. I never called him back although he gave me his number three different times. Eventually, he sought me out and asked me what happenned. How was I going to tell him I had H and that the intensity of our first night scared me to death?

It gets worse. I knew better, I did. I didn't have symptoms, and the only time in 6 months I had an OB was when I got a bladder infection and I was out of town for three weeks. But I knew when I got back out here, I needed to tell him. Most times we used safe sex, but sometimes we didn't, and the guilt was hounding me. By now we'd become great friends as well as lovers. I can honestly say A has helped me heal more from my marriage than anything.

I'd heard A say once about a social disease being a 'deal breaker' and was scared to death to tell him. But last week I had no choice, I had an OB, and I knew the time was due to tell him.

So I did, I told him Saturday. We were going to spend the whole weekend together 'hibernating' - making love, eating, watching movies, ... and Wed night I got the familiar tingle. I could have made up an excuse, I could have lied, but I went through with it, and fessed up.

I think he was in shock at first, he understood that we would not be having sex this weekend. He asked me if he needed to be running to his doctor, and I said I didn't think so. He's never had any symptoms.

The big question was, did he want to continue a relationship with me. A. doesn't get angry, he doesn't yell (another refreshing thing compared to my ex). But he said, right now, no. I can't make any more plans with you. I don't know how I will feel next week, next month, but as of right now, I don't think you and I should plan to see each other anymore.

So I came back to my apt Sat night, and I've been reading this forum ever since. I called and left a voice mail that I had read about the serology tests for HSV and that if he wanted to do it, he could ask his doctor for one, find out for sure if he's ever been exposed or not.

I was prepared for this possibility, that it may be a deal breaker for him and I might lose him as a lover and a friend. Right now I just hope to hell that he is negative, I don't even care if he forgives me or not. I am drowning in guilt and I never want to go through something like this again. The fact that I put the ONLY man I cared about for the last 6 months, through THIS, makes me feel completely awful. I knew better. But for awhile, I was in denial, and I was only thinking about myself. And I couldn't be more sorry.

sad2bhere

[sad2bhere]

Update.

A. called me once this week, amd left a voice mail saying he'd call again once he got his test results. I don't even know which test he decided to have, but probably one of the blood tests for HSV, since he has not had an OB.

That's about 5-7 days ago and no call back yet. It's driving me a little crazy. I am a normally a proactive sort of person and I would do anything to make things right with him, but in this case the right thing is to give him space. This is so hard for me, not being sought out as a source of information, or a source of comfort. Not knowing his emotions regarding me.... does he hate me? Does he regret meeting me?

Today I finally followed my instinct and instead of calling his voice mail like a lunatic, or writing a long letter, I sent a gift to him and a short note, just to let him know I am thinking about him, and missing him. And wished him peace.

Then I drove towards the beach, being new to this area, I just went straight down there towards the shore and where I chose to park, there ended up being a statue of Mary, facing the sea. Around her, there were little vases of flowers, letters and candles people had put there in prayer. It seemed the perfect place to sit down and talk it out with my higher power.

Today with the mailing of that package, I felt like I was able to let go of any expectation or result. The old 'let go and let God' thing. I read a quote the other day that said, If you can't pray a door open, don't try to pry it open. And so metaphysically, I released the outcome of this situation to my angels, knowing the highest and best only comes from spirit. It still hurts, but all the crying and guilty feelings and efforting in the world isn't making any of it better, and may well make it worse.

And I turned off my cell phone, since it's been pissing me off that it hasn't rung. We'll see how long that lasts...

s2bh

[Lasmom]

s2bh

Any advice I may have has been listed by you in the post above.

You are doing the right thing(s). Sending that note was cosure for you - nothing else for you to do.

My hopes are with you that he is fine so you can let the guilt go.

take care.

Lasmom

[sad2bhere]

Update

Well my friend A called tonight. After I turned my cell off and declared it officially 'over', he calls. Ain't that always the way.

Anyway he did have a titer done, and it showed "borderline" level of antibodies. So his doctor called a script into the pharmacy for him, he doesn't know what the Rx is yet. But we talked about the two meds it 'could' be, and also that he'll probably have another blood test in 6 months. And while he still isn't ready to resume a physical relationship with me, he still wants to go to Vegas, which is something we'd planned long ago for April. I was honest with him and said that's really risky because 1. it's Sin City, after all, 2. we have a room with a jacuzzi and 3. we're really physically attracted to each other. I said I can't promise to behave under those circumstances but bring condoms and it will be up to you if we do anything. In the meantime, I am going to premedicate for Vegas with Valtrex, and I promised to do whatever he wants to rebuild trust with him.

He said he didn't call till he had the results because he was still digesting this info, and also b/c he felt that if the test came up positive, he would have ended our friendship as well as everything else. Can't start being dishonest now, I told him that the blood test might show more antibodies the next time he has the test. He acknowledged that he knew "borderline" wasn't a negative result either, so... hmm. I guess I'm pretty lucky he is still talking to me.

I will NEVER put myself or another person through this kind of hell again...

STBH

[Lasmom]

well, that is a sucky lesson huh? Yes it's great he's talking to you - stay honest and open about your health and body - remember all the millions of other ways to show intimacy.... should it go that way -

Oh - ride the roller coaster at NY NY for me OK? what a blast!

Good luck girlfriend!

[sad2bhere]

Rewind

At my encouragement, I told A he should get a copy of his test results and see if they were talking about borderline HSV 1 or HSV 2.

Phone message I got today: He said "I just got a look at these test results, and they are in fact positive. I am now a carrier of the herpes virus, and I am going to be a carrier of the herpes virus for the rest of my life. You should have insisted that I wear a rubber. You didn't have to tell me that you had herpes but you should have insisted I wear a rubber. Now I am carrying this around with me for the rest of my life. I don't want to see you anymore. Cancel our plans for Thursday, cancel our plans for Las vegas, I don't want to see you again. (click)"

I am a mess.

[dncrck]

sad2bhere

'

I'm so sorry about what happened with A....How devastating...I can't imagine what you must be going through. I guess like Lasmom said, it is a really rough way to learn the lesson. I'm going through a very similar thing right now. I suspect that I've had HSV-1 for about 21 years orally, my cousin has it too and we've both had outbreaks for most of our lives after being orally raped by her dad when we were about 5. I was never diagnosed but I've had OBs all along. I'm going to the dr. Fri. Anyway, a friendship that I'd had for about 2 years-we are inseperable-turned into something more, we started sleeping together without using protection. I had no idea that I might have had HSV 1 until about a month agp (we were intimate last year). To make matters worse, I sent her some emails and told her that I needed to talk to her but she is nopw in the hospital with pneumonia...What a mess! I know that she won't be a happy camper when she gets home and reads the emails that say "I have herpes, you might too" but I can't tell her while she's in the hospital so sick! I don't know what to do! I feel like you must have felt waiting for A to get his test results back, on pins and needles. I just want to talk to her and explain things to her, yet I know it's all going to hit the fan-How could I not have known?-when she finds out. And I have to tell her. As her best friend, I can't lie to her. I don't want to lose her any more than you want to lose A, but my point in this (rambling-sorry) post is that you absolutely did the right thing by coming clean with A and insisting that he be checked, even if it meant you might lose him. There will be a man who will love you despite your herpes, and if L takes off because I inadvertantly put her at risk there will be another woman in my life eventually who will care about me as I am. I know now what my cards are, and I can deal more honestly with people.

You did the right thing hon. Hang in there.

-Christina

[sad2bhere]

thanks

Thanks, Christina, for the shoulder to cry on... you are a sweetheart. What made this worse was, initially, he thought the 'borderline' result meant 'borderline negative', and from his message, I guess it was just over the mark for positive. That means for about 4 days we were talking again, and both feeling tenuous, but hopeful. Now all I can do is hearing that voice mail echoing in my head time and again and cry. "Forget about Thursday, forget about Las Vegas, I don't want to see you."

Today I got a small gift he'd mailed before he had called and broke it off, and the letter inside said "I'm so glad we are talking again." This is really rough.

But your situation is different: You didn't really know. You are doing the best you can in contacting her now. Is there any way you could go see her at the hospital? I hate to say it, but sometimes ppl break out when their immunity is low, and they are sick with something else. At least for me, that's when I break out.

((((HUGS)))) Thanks for the encouragment, it means alot.

s2bh

[dncrck]

Thank you everybody...

Thank you everybody for your support. L is doing a bit better, I went to see her again today and blurted out the whole HSV story because she inquired about the sores on my lips. She looked at me oddly when I said that I was totally terrified that she would never speak to me again after she found out that I've got HSV, and said that she "already has cold sores, they're the same as herpes, and she knows I didn't know at the time anyway!" So I am SO relieved, and I'm going back to the hospital Monday for a long visit with her and to have dinner with her & her family.

I feel very blessed to have L in my life, and fortunate beyond words that she wasn't mad at me.

Take care all,

Christina

[Lasmom]

YYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

About time things look up for you sweetheart! Good luck with the parents thing.....

I suggest watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and "Meet The Parents before you go...."

hahaha -

Have fun....

LM

[Steph]

I know I am a little late on responding to this~I just signed on to this forum the past week~and already I'm loving it~It is so cool to find that so many other people are going through the same things I have been through or am going through now~I just wanted to send a hug to you and say that I'm sorry things turned out the way they did with A~I can see how he would be upset with you since you gave it to him~but at the same time I feel like you were honest with him a little late but still honest ~and if he really cared about you he would've accepted you for who you are~he may still come around~but if he does'nt he just is'nt the right one~and I promise you the right one will turn up~I have totally been through some of the same things you have~my ex husband gave me herpes as well ~he had it~was'nt honest with me~I was honest with my first boyfriend(after my ex husband)~lied to another that I really dug~( I pray that I did'nt pass it on~but I was young then) broke up with him~and then I met my current husband~and it was a tough sell~he almost left but we have been together six years~so I know if there is someone special for me there is someone for you~HUGS~

[sad2bhere]

Thanks Steph, I appreciate that so much. It's been a tough month or so, but I have come to realize that a guy that runs at the first serious challenge, even one like herpes, is not a guy that's going to be there for the long run anyway. Still, I don't think I deserved to be thrown away like used kleenex... I never heard from A again, so I guess that is that.

It's made me do a little soul searching re: how I meet men and bond with them. Obviously, I've been selling myself short with being accepting of just a FB (F buddy) relationship, when I capable and desirous of much more.

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your experience. I really appreciate it!

s2bh

[Steph]

That's right you deserve so much more than to be treated like that~I hope that you get to feeling better soon~and that someday you meet the right person that will accept you for who you are in the meantime you just take care of you!!

Much love~

Steph

[sad2bhere]

3 hour phone call

Last night, A called. First time in 6 weeks since he left that break-up message on my voice mail. I honestly felt I would never hear from him again. And - he is saying all the stuff I should have been hip hip hooray to hear. About how much he has missed me, that he doesn't care about the herpes any more, it was a dumb mistake me not telling him earlier (he has never had an outbreak but had a positive blood test) but that he forgives me. (I did need to hear that.) That he's felt like an empty shell, he's going through his days kinda automatic, just like I have been. That he's been in love before, but never had this kind of connection with a woman - mental, emotional, physical. And he'd like to see me again, if I have not completely moved on and forgotten him already.

I'm very guarded, this has been a very rough six weeks and I was just getting back on my feet. Raw pain, missing him, crying in the shower, crying at work, like something's been ripped from me - pain. He still doesn't come right out and tell me he loves me... baby steps I guess. But last night was the most verbose and articulate he's ever been with regards to his feelings for me. He said I "infected him" but not with herpes, that I'm in his blood and under his skin and he doesn't want to be away from me anymore. That if we start seeing each other again regularly, and our relationship continues to grow in a positive way, he thinks he could be exclusive with me.

I still am so afraid of the Player. I know that if his feelings are sincere, they will survive more time and distance and certainly a little more celibacy. I am going to go talk to him but that's all I am sure of. I had to shut my feelings off for him so completely that I don't know how I will react when I see him.

I'm going to go talk to him May 13, Thurs, and this will be 2 months to the day after I told him about the herpes.

Any and all wisdom so appreciated.... and yes I read that thread about ppl sticking with the one they're with because it's easier than having to deal with telling new partners about the H. I will definitely ask him if that is the case for him.

s2bh