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I feel disgusted...I hate myself


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Hi all,

When I came back from my business trip, I've noticed that something was not right with my body. I thought that I've contracted an STD, because I was engaged in unprotected sex during my trip with an old girlfriend. Nothing happened a week later, and I decided to "write it off". Then suddenly, I noticed a cluster of tiny blisters on my penis. I got scared and started doing research on the internet...These blisters began to grow bigger, and I decided it was time to visit the doctor. A week later, I was diagnosed with HVS 2. I use to be a cheerful, happy young man. I have a B.S. Degree in Information Systems, just started my career, bought a new car, new condo, and was enjoying life at its fullest. I really had a lot going for my self in terms of my career. Now, Im depressed, quiet, and always deep in thoughts. My family and coworkers keeps on asking me what's gotten into me, but Im too embarrassed to tell or talk about it with them. Alot is expected of me, especially from my family. I use to love to go out, socialize, and meet new people. Now, i just want to stay home and not want to talk to anyone. I just cant believe stupid I was to have unprotected sex and contract something. I feel like I've cheated my body, infected myself with something so disgusting and not curable. I feel like i've let my parents down. They've been doing such a great job rasing me, teaching me, lecturing me, showing me whats right and whats wrong. My mom always told me to take care of my self, because my health and my happiness is very important to her. She doesnt care if im successful, rich, or smart...all that matters to her is that im happy and healthy. I dont know what to do anymore...i feel like i've thrown my whole life away, my career, my future. How am i going to lead a normal life, have wife and kids, without worrying about infected them? I hate myself for not thinking straight, I hate myself for infecting my body with this disgusting disease, and I hate myself for letting my parents down, I hate myself for ruining my future, I HATE MYSELF!

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Well, I love you.

I love you for sharing that.

I love you for reminding me that it was not so long ago I felt exactly the same way - and boy how far I've come.

I love you for respecting your mom and remembering what is most important to her - YOU - I am a mom, and I will tell you - she will love you no matter what you have, have done, have said - unconditionally - comes with the job!

You are the same person now that you were before. Don't forget that. You are the same son, friend, coworker you were - you just have a bump in the road - 25% of Americans have this - probably more. Confide in some people you trust - your mom maybe? I did and found out my sister and her husband, two of my cousins, some friends, coworkers and - yes - MY MOM - have HSV - how bout that? (I did not contract this, nor did my sister from her)

If you choose to keep it to yourself, well thats a fine decision - just make sure you have an outlet with someone you trust - here, another site, a friend - but don't hide it from yourself. Your decision making and sexual behavior is the only thing affected - and thats good.

As for a wife and children - sounds to me you will make a great husband - that is the immportant thing - HSV is just a screening mechanism for a wife that will love you unconditionally. And kids - well - that is a non-issue. My sister and brother-in-law have 3, I have 1 - all happy - healthy and obnoxious! Be careful what you wish for...

You are going to be great. Give yourself some time to absorb this, get informed, and live happily ever after - and when you need help from time to time - someone is always here.

Good luck Fles!

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    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
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