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SO afraid of my gf finding out


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Hi all,

I sent my former partner and now best friend (although that may be short-lived!) a couple of emails in the last few days because I couldn't reach her by phone t elling her that I found out that I had contracted oral and possibly genital herpes from being sexually aboused 20 years ago...I know that I had mentioned prior to us being together that I thought I had cold sores (we never id anything when I had any sores) but a) I did not know it was herpes and B) I was too caught up in our passion to think to mention it when we were in the heat of the moment. My dentist was actually the one who brought the herpes to my attention about 2-3 weeks ago when I was having a really bad OB, and L and I were intimate last October-December.

I just called her wanting to talk, and she didn't have time to talk to me. I feel AWFUL that I put her at risk. We have been inseparable for over 2 years as friends, and I think we are unique because after the intimacy wore off we just picked our friendship up where it left off and plotzed along. I am SO TERRIFIEd that she will never want to speak to me again...On the one hand I could understand this; on the other I would hope that she would understand that it truly was an accident and that I didn't know.

Any advice for dealing with her, for coping until I talk to her? I feel like I'm on pins and needles, dealing with the fact that I don't even know if what I'm dealing with myself is genital herpes or just oral...and then my friend...Help!!!

Thank you!


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Cristina I am VERY aware of how awful you feel and then some. But this was purely an accident, and you're doing the right thing telling your girlfriend. The one thing that everyone told me last week is that the stress and worry I was going through after telling my bf about it, wasn't going to help my immunity and what if my OB persisted, or I got sicker? How would that help anything. That certainly wouldn't reassure my bf if i was lying around even worse for wear... that would have scared the crap out of him even more.

You have to do your best, answer their questions as honestly as you can, support them in whatever action THEY want to take, and then be at peace that you have tried to make things right. Keep busy, get your exercise, (oxygen, ya know), be outside, pray or meditate whatever works for you, journal, watch comedies until you almost pee yourself laughing, these things will help pass the time and shore up your immunity and your self esteem. I have done all these things in the past two weeks and I am just - plumb tuckered out. I am glad I told him, but what a hellish process we've both been through.

Take some time away from this and try not to think about H 24/7. It really is not all encompassing, as it might feel when the information is new. ((((HUG))))


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Hey Christina -

If you guys have been friends for so long - you would have told her had you known - make this your Mantra and make her understand that you NEED to talk to her. The telling and waiting is the worst thing about this. The odds of her having is sound slim - explain that - but your concern for her and your honesty will shine through.

I have read your posts - you are no slouch in the compassion department - L? must know this already -

Once you have talked to her - no matter the outcome - you will feel better about it. Truly. Write it all down before you tell her to get your head straight and if she won't talk with you - write to her -

You are doing all of this right - keep it up baby - and we'll be here for you - and for L if she is looking for help as well.

Good luck sweetheart.


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Thank you

:p Thank you for all of the support Lasmom and sad2bhere, the world needs more saints like you...I'm taking your sound advice and finding other (healthier) things to do other than brooding over L (she is in the hospital with pneumonia right now, hasn't read my emails and I didn't get to talk to her before she went in) and what her reaction will or won't be. As I wrote in an earlier post to another group member, you were right when you said it was an honest mistake...and if she bails on me I'll be okay. And I'll know that I did the right thing by being honest with her. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell her the truth.

Thanks again all!

Take care,


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