My story and frustrations!

[summertime2004]

12 years ago I got hsv1 from my exhusband. He is still in denial and probably passing it on to others. The way I figured out I got it from his is 10 years of wondering and then one day it hit me .........It had to be him.

His ex girlfriend had called early in our relationship and accused him of it because she had given her new boyfriend it. She was always trying to break us up so I thought it was another try.........to break us up. I did not get it til 4 years into our relationship after our youngest daughter was born.

When I asked the dr how I got this she looked at me as if I was totally stupid. But I had been with my ex 4 years and never cheated on him. I became very depressed for a while. I'm sure that is one of the reasons why I stayed with him for 9 more years. He is an alcoholic. I was miserable for many years before we got divorced. It was a great relief when it finally came about.

But then the dating scence..........The first guy I told on second date......he yelled and asked what we were going to do. I told him we could deal with it or he could ask me to leave. He decided I was to nice of person to have to deal with it alone. Well that was the beginning of a 8 month emotional roller coaster ride. One of the hardest things to understand was he had hsv1 only orally. He said that was no big deal he had had them since he was a little boy. His mother had them and so did his son. He even gave them to his exgirlfriend. But yet I was damaged goods but not damaged enough to not have a sexual relatiohship with. I know it was my fault sticking around. But he had told me no one would understand. This relationship cost me a great deal emotionally.

Next I had some one night stands..........not ever getting hurt again........wrong......

Then I had a 5 month relationship with someone who didn't care at all. But because he was Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde I broke it off.

Next I had a good guy..........who understood.........but he was building his own house so it ended due to a lack of time.

Last December I was seeing someone and he didn't disappear right away but with in a month he just faded out. Which was fine because he had more issues then I wanted to deal with.

Then in February I was falling in love with someone who I had dated a few times last fall. But he realized he wasn't ready to get back into a relationship. So we remained friends and chatted once in awhile. He came back into my life mid January. I was so afraid to tell him. He wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me because I was on anti depressants. (wonder why I am! lol!) So I wasn't sure how he would react to the news that I had hsv1. Well on Valentines night we went out and had a great time. (I had planned on telling him in the next week of so.)

We went back to my place and we had planned on him staying because he had promised to be a perfect gentleman. Well things started to get carried away and he wasn't taking no for an answer. So I told him. I know in the heat of the moment is not the time to tell but he wasn't leaving me much of a choice. And truthfully I wanted to make love to him also! He told me that night we just wouldn't worry about it. My heart just opened up to him. I was so happy. We made beautiful love. In fact it was probably the best I had in my life! The next day he left and I was to call him later. No answer all 3 times I called him. Monday I got the bomb! A email telling me to leave him alone......why hadn't I told him sooner..........before he cared about me..........he was sorry to hurt me but it was the deal breaker.......

I was devestated.........cried and cried........for days..........work was a challenge.........sitting there crying..............my friends were all pissed off at him.........for hurting me. Then the next Saturday he called and said he wanted to talk. But he did some research and talked with his dr and made his decision before talking with me. My counselor thinks he couldn't get together with me because he didn't trust himself. He told me he was falling in love with me too. But he would always be worrying about it so he could not be in a relationship with me. This was really hard for me.

But I decided I wasn't going to sit and wallow in my own self pity. So I started talking with another guy on the personals. Well we hit it off great. Laughed and laughed. First date went great. He started sending me sweet little messages. Told me he felt lucky for meeting me. I was starting to fall for him. So I figured I should tell him, even if it was only our second date. I think it was to soon. He said it was something to think about but we were cool. Later when I talked to him on the phone he said he appreciated me telling him but we just needed to go on from there. Not a problem. He was to call me Monday night. Phone didn't ring. Tuesday morning got a message that he was sorry he had fallen asleep early he would call me Wednesday night. Wednesday night got a message he would be in and out of the house all night he would call me Thursday night. I decide that was bull shit and called him. Told him I had ptc the next night and wouldn't be home. I asked if he was having second thoughts. He said he had been doing alot of thinking. Wouldn't say it was good or bad........ At the end I asked when he would know for sure ...........it was killing me. He said he would call me Friday night with his decision. Well the silence tells me he can't deal with it. I only wish he would of been honest with me like I was with him.

So right now I'm just trying to heal and figure out where to go from here.