Jump to content

Do I use a Condom?


Recommended Posts

I've been dating my girl friend for almost 6 months now. Prior to us being intimate she explained that she contracted herpes from an ex-boyfriend of hers while attending college. For the first three months whenever we were together we always used a condom. About 3 months ago we began to have unprotected sex. She explained to me that herpes was not contagious unless it were 7 days before, during or 7 days after an outbreak. Last week I noticed a small cut on the bottom of my penis that I had no explanation for, I was also feeling some discomfort in that area. Needless to say I was very nervous faced with the possibility of contracting my first STD. I was out of town and unable to see a doctor for 5 days. In that time the cut had seemly healed. We talked at a great deal about this situation and she expressed how upset she would be if I contracted herpes. I also know how upset I would have been if it that happened as well. I visited a doctor today and (for the moment) it seems I'm OK. My doctor did suggest that I continue to wear a condom but didn't think that the wear any visible signs of herpes. Immediately after my visit I called with the news. We both seemed relieved until I mentioned the part about using a condom. It appears to me that she took offense. She said she wouldn't be upset if I decided to use a condom during sex but followed by saying she hadn't had an outbreak in over 2 years...and that using a condom at this point in our relationship would be regressive...that after having unprotected sex and being as close as we could possibly be to each other that using a condom would ruin our sex life, and added that she's certain the relationship would dissolve as a result of the unpleasurable sex because of the condom. She then tried to explain to me that she didn't regret contracting herpes and that it hasn't been a terrible inconvenience for her over the years. I was told that accepting her meant excepting the possibility that I may contract herpes at some point. She suggested that I do some research and that what I?d find would be as bad as I might imagine. That having herpes is no different than having a rash or shingles and that her ex-boy friend who she contracted it from never had any outward signs or symptoms. She continued to push the issue by saying none of her ex-boy friends since have ever contracted herpes. I feel as if I'm being manipulated by her to continue to have unprotected sex and based on the information the doctor gave me today it?s very conflicting. Although I love her I LOVE me too. There are no guarantees that we will be together forever, I do know I have to live with me and any mistakes I make forever. I'm so confused could someone PLEASE help me? What should I do? What can I say to her ?


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wear a condom. If she gets offended - she's out of her mind. There is a chance of a-symptomatic shedding - approximately 2-3% of the time over a year. Doctors don't tell you that when you are diagnosed - it's not a virus that has

I personally have been with a man on & off for over a year and a half - he prefers not to wear a condom - I have explained all of this to him - it his HIS risk and is up to him. He still is negative, but I refuse sex if I feel run down at all - to protect him as much as possible.

SO, it it TOTALLY your call and YOUR RISK. If 2-3% +/- is worth the gamble for you - go crazy. If not, wear a condom.

Her sensitivity is due to the fact that she may feel a bit rejected - that is what this does to us - makes us sensitive to this stuff. Reassure her that it is in no way a rejection of her - just a rejection of the virus, and you would hate for her to worry about you getting it.

Good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I say yes you should use a condom. Just explain to your girlfriend it has nothing to do with the way you feel about her you just feel better if you practice safe sex.

After all, we all have to look out for ourselves because if we don't no one else will.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's three votes for protected sex. I say she is lucky you are hanging in there, and sure, it's an "inconvenience", but it's one you don't want to live with, if you can help it. :wink:

By the way, how does she know when it's 7 days prior to a breakout? most of us have prodromal symptoms for three days, tops, before we break out.


Link to comment
Share on other sites


I think it's very selfish of your girlfriend to put you under so much pressure not to use a condom. Who is she thinking of? Her insecurities are surely not worth risking the health of the person (i.e. YOU) she is supposed to love. Ask yourself this: if her previous partner had NO symptoms, but she managed to contract the virus, how can you be certain that you won't also? Research will tell you that it's possible to pass on the virus with zero symptoms. I'd also wonder what the concern was for using a condom anyway. Sex can be just as fun and exciting with a little rubber! Hehehehehe. As well as protecting your from STD's, it also protects your from unplanned fatherhood. Sounds to me, like she has more on her agenda than just sex.....motherhood perhaps also?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

did you find out why exactly she doesnt want you to use one?

i had a girlfriend that kept saying that she didnt like them because of the feeling, after a bit of trial & error with several different brands, we found one that worked for us. done deal, everyone happy

it may just be psychological reasons that she needs help with such as if you use a condom, then she must be "dirty" or "deseased".... thats gonna be a bit tougher to get to... but its much needed.

just make sure that you & her sit down & really talk about it & find out what the real issue is that makes her feel that way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something ELSE to talk about

Although this is my first post, let me assure you I know ALL about this Virus. I am 45 and had it before they knew what it was.

I have had both protected and unprotected encounters, but always thinking about the possibility of it spreading. It's never been hidden and always discussed.

My point is, always use a condom, it's uncomfortable yes, desensatising sometimes..find a brand that isn't. Experiment!

If there is a chance she may be spreading it to you, it could also spread to OTHER AREAS inside or around her and you, over and over again, making ALL MATTERS even worse, that IS NOT WORTH THE RISK for not using protection. A small outbreak is lucky, when it spreads, it painful and very emotional.

Think about it, really..


Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...


I'm not sure if you're still reading these posts, since it was from a couple weeks ago and you haven't replied. But I figured I'd give my 2 cents anyway.

I always try to put myself in a person's shoes to understand why they act a certain way and to see things from their perspective.

I can relate to both of you. I'm a 24 year old female in a serious relationship and just found out I have GH. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. He's never had an outbreak (that he knows of) and as far as we're concerned (right now) he doesn't have GH. (He's going to get tested, but from what I hear blood tests aren't accurate since 75% of people have some form of H)

I think your GF is selfish for trying to force you into not using protection. At the same time I feel where she's coming from. This makes us feel dirty, disgusting...something we never expected to feel. It's hard to go from being able to feel a person completely to now suddenly being shocked with this...GH and having to use protection.

Condoms irritate me. I want to marry my boyfriend. We're soon to be engaged (ring is being made). But I understand where he's coming from and if he doesn't have GH I don't want to give it to him that's for sure! I love him dearly. And he loves himself as well. (He said that line to me, like you said...which makes complete sense)

Yes, condoms suck with the one you love. But I'm glad I read this thread. I'll be searching for the good fit for the both of us. And I don't feel so bad about it now. Thanks, everyone. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can get H even when wearing a condom. I did. Wearing a condom will lessen the chances and will lessen the chance of you getting the H right on your penis.

Your girlfriend is wrong and apparently has not reasearched the virus to find out the truth. That is sad. I wonder if she requests oral sex from you because you can get it on your mouth. When you have H you have to be VERY careful and VERY educated. It's all part of being responsible. Your girlfriend is not being responsible or educated. I say either you have sex on your terms and demand that she become educated regarding sex with H or dump her. You may not be with her 10 years from now, but the H will stay with you for life. This is just the truth.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my suggestion would be to wear a rubber and be very open with her and how she feels. How long has she had the virus and what kind of symptoms does she experience before an outbreak? From reading up on it and checking different couples experiences, it seems like a lot of people avoid spreading it to their partners by simply understanding their body...watching for warning signs...leg pain, numbness, tingling, etc etc.

I think a huge part of it is just confronting it for what it is. You're right that theres no guarantees that you'll be together forever...but theres no guarantees on anything. You're obviously a pretty understanding guy based on the fact that you've remained when other much more petty superficial people would have ran away. One of my friends addressed genital herpes as "grounds for suicide" the other day and I just sorta laughed off his ignorance (he doesnt know I have it). Anyway, you have to look at the whole situation in perspective....you love this girl, right? If so, why should a condition that you may be infected with that may or may not give you symptoms justify the grounds of the relationship?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 6 months later...

I'm back

It's been almost 9 month's since I first posted this topic. All your comments and advice have been greatly appreciated and extremely helpfull, thank you all. Me and my girlfriend are using condoms these days. Although I do realize as long as we are together I may run the risk of contracting herpes at very least I'm minimizing my risk of infection and that's the responsible thing to do.

This portion of the conversation maybe a bit premature but I do want children one day and I have concluded that unprotected sex is somehing I'd like to reserve for the woman I marry. Maybe it'll be her. I won't be sure until we both say "I do".

Last month she had her 1st outbreak in almost

2 1/2 - 3 years. What I did notice during that time was just how much discomfort she expeirenced. And what was once intially described as relatively painless rash was not so painless. To date I'm fine. I just wanted to update the few who have inquired about me and above all I wanted to say thank you for sharing your insight with me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

condoms are good!

I was devastated when I found out I had herpes. The last thing I wanted to do was put my boyfriend at risk. Our sex life was very minimal for the first 6 months after I found out. Now we have a wonderful sex life. He and I have found a couple types of condoms that work really well. We have decided to spend our lives together and he has accepted the fact that he may one day become infected, but we are safe as much as possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Donate

    If Honeycomb has helped you, please help us by making a donation so we can provide you with even better features and services.

  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Posts

    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.