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Any lesbians here that can shed some light for us?


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My new (soon to be, possibly) girlfriend and I are looking EVERYWHERE for information on the prevention of transmission. I have it and she doesn't. There's not a lot out there on the net about herpes as it relates to lesbians. We're hoping to find another couple [or couples] that can share their personal experiences with transmission prevention.

We've just had our sixth date and we're both afraid to kiss. It has had the added benefit of allowing us to really get to know each other without physical intimacy clouding the situation. So that's a plus. But we don't want this fear. It's built up a huge brick wall between us. And oh yeah, she's the first person I've seriously dated since my divorce.

Any experiences with asymptomatic and dormant HSV positives (carriers) and negatives in a gay relationship that is at least 6-12 months long? We'd like to hear more personal experiences than clinical suggestions. We're both terrified of being physical with each other and need some practical "we've been there" advice. All we can find is cut a condom in half lengthwise and apply it to the area before oral sex takes place...and even then it's not a guarantee. So we're left wondering if we should just be friends or have a sex-less relationship. :cry::oops:

I've started a Lez Herpes support group with Yahoogroups and one at the Gay and Lesbian community center here locally in Charlotte, but there have been no bites as yet.

Thanks for any help you can provide me with.

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Well I don't know how much actual advice I can give but I can give a "been there done that" scinario and some support...I'm 24 and a half, lesbian also, my best friend of 2 and a half years is bi, and last Sept we began dating. In about end of Sept beginning of Oct it became intimate. Well, I have oral herpes (thrush.) I did not know this at the time, and L and I did The Whole Nine Yards except, fortunately for her, we did not do any oral sex. It was the first lesbian relationship for both of us (even tho I've always known I'm gay!) so we took it slow and enjoyed each other's company.

Anyway...We broke off the romantic part around Christmastime and now we're back to being best friends. Well then I found out about the oral herpes thing, and told her, and it turns out that she has cold sores anyway (and has had them since way before we were together) so it didn't matter to her that I'd inadvertantly exposed her to HSV...It would have mattered if I'd done it maliciously but she knows I'd never.

So, I guess that wasn't much help, I was just trying to be supportive cuz most people I've met here are straight, however...I guess what you and your gf need to decide are:

If she's willing to be exposed to hsv

If you can maintain your relationship on a non-sexual basis, holding hands, etc.

If you want to date awhile longer and then re-evaluate this whole thing.

Some people think HSV is no big deal, some people get zoster and have to be in the hospital, for most people it's somewhere in the middle. You two have to decide where it will lie in your lives.

Take care, and email or IM me if you want to chat.



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My apologies for responding and not being lesbian (although the men I've met recently may change my mind about that.... :roll: )

Antopia has alot of "alternative" people, and forgive me if I'm clueless, but there was a thread on the message boards about oral sex using dental dams and other various "ways around"...

transmission stats I have found relate only to male/female genital relations.... asymptomatic shedding is responsible for transmission +/-3% over a year woman to man, +/- 6% man to woman - I would assume your percentage would be aaround 6%, due to the nature of womens bodies.

As far as kissing goes, my cousin has oral HSV. She is on her second marriage, has had a few long term boyfriends - is a very affectionate "kissy" person - and has not transmitted it to a partner orally or genitally because she does not kiss when she has symptoms - period.

So the real question is - how in tune are you with your body for symptoms - are you on suppressive therapy to reduce risk? and more importantly - will your partner assume the risk.

safe smart sex will protect your partner - and the possibilities of her getting into a car accident (God forbid) is far greater than contracting this through smart sex.

So forgive my hetero opinion - check out antopia - they are cool about all of this - no one is afraid - they don't even really talk about it - but the message boards always had people there chatting.

Good luck!

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I appreciate both responses and the reference to Antopia. That's good information to know on both accounts and good general advice.

That was her personal request to hear from other lesbians, but at either rate you offered a lot of information. It's much appreciated!


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    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
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