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It wasn't supposed to be this way... (my story)

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Guest Canadian Guy

I don't know what I'm doing here.

I just found the place, but I don't know where else to go.

I'm 24 years old.

I'm a virgin.

And I'm pretty sure I have herpes.


End of December, 2002:

I'm on a snowboarding trip with some friends of mine over new years.

I meet a really cute french ski instructor, and we hit it off.

I see her 3 days in a row, and we spend two nights together at her place.

We fooled around some the first night, but mostly spent the night talking.

The second night together was new years eve. The lady was amazing, the setting was amazing, and I was having the best time of my life.

Close friends, a beautiful stranger who was interested in me, the mountain air... it was just perfect.

There's more to this story and of course my background, but I'll keep things simple. Maybe I'll go into detail later...

We ended up not having intercourse, for a couple of reasons.

Although I'm always being told that I'm a) cute and B) nice, I've never been in a serious relationship, and don't go for one night stands. I'm also sort of shy. Beautiful women tend to turn me into a fumbling idiot. Besides, they tend to go for the whole "bad-boy" thing rather than nice guys with a great sense of humor... :roll:


End of March, 2003:

Back in my home city, I meet a great girl at a bar. Rather, she met me.

We go on a couple of dates, and for the first time in my life I'm actually starting to think "maybe it's time to get my act together and seriously put some effort into finding and keeping a solid relationship with a girlfriend".

I had been so used to being single and not dating much, that it was just the 'norm', you know? I've been blessed with an incredible group of friends, guys and girls. None of 'em are virgins, with many of them in long-term relationships. I just hadn't had the time or the drive to get into that yet.

But in early April, after dating this girl for short while (before we had shed any clothes), I'm driving home from her place late at night (chinese takeout, a movie, etc), and I'm thinking to myself how great everything is going for me. I've got a great job, great friends and family, and now this girl has got me feeling even better. I couldn't have been happier.

The very next morning I get up and enter the shower before going to work.

Looking down, I see what looked like chicken pox all over my legs. Scared the shit outta me.

No burn, no itch, no nothin'. If I didn't see 'em I wouldn't have known they were there. They were like red freckles that just appeared out of nowhere.

This is tearing me up inside, 'cause I have no idea what the hell is going on. "what's wrong with me?"

The spots fade after about a week, and I'm thinking it was an alergic reaction to something, and everything is now fine.

I'm still collapsing on the inside, and am too paranoid to even call this girl I was dating. I've never seen her since. (For the record, she never called me back either).

A couple of weeks later the spots reappear, only not nearly as bad as the first time. I do some research on the internet about them, and the only thing I can come up with is 'herpes'. This terrifies me. It says the symptoms appear around 4 months after initial contact, which points me to my new years experience. I'm floored.


So it's been over a year now, and I haven't been able to tell a soul. I've been in several situations where I've met a great girl who is interested in me... but at the first signs of our friendship developing into something more, I purposely sabatoge it, leaving me alone again. I can't gather the strength to invest my emotions into someone, only to have them ripped apart after showing her my weakness.

The herpes themselves are no big deal. Yeah, it sucks, but physically I could deal with them no problem. They appear less than once a month, don't burn or itch, and disappear again without a trace. Again, it sucks, but it's tollerable.

On the emotional side however... it's killing me.

I can't bear the thought of putting someone else through this.

Which is why I have to be alone forever.

Over time my heart and soul have been growing harder, darker, and colder, as I build up wall after wall. If I knew it would end soon, or even end in 10 years, I'd survive. But knowing that I'm tainted for life just sucks all the motivation out of living.

I'm rambling on here. Sorry.

I don't know what comfort I will get from sharing this with you. I hope some.

Although I have great friends, I can never tell this to one of my buddies.

I've got some close female friends that I can confide in... but every time I want to bring it up, I end up procrastinating and it doesn't happen.

Anyways... what choices do I have...?

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You have a whole world of choices.

Have you seen a doc/ cuz that doesn't sound like hsv to me - red freckles?

Please don't tell me you have self-diagnosed and have been killing yourself mentally for a year and you haven't been tested... that would make me nuts.

Say you have it - so do I, so doesn't the majority here, and 24% or the population, maybe more... do not isolate yourself.

As for the women liking bad boys - insecure women, and young women like bad boys, mature self assured women want to be spoiled by a nice funny guy... we women have been both, sometimes back and forth in our lives - you just may be looking in the wrong places = plus, it doesn't sound like you give yourself a chance.

This is not normal behavior honey... you need to get talking about this, heere, with a therapist, whatever suits you but work this out - a year is too long.

Best wishes - hope to hear from you...


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I agree with Lasmom! Please go see your doc. Don't think for a minute you will be alone for the rest of your life. God did not put us on earth to be alone. There is someone out there for everyone. I know it is easier said then thought some days but there will be brighter days!



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Whoa there! I don't think you have it at all based on what you have shared here. I can relate though, I went through the very same thing about ten years ago and I swore I had it and didn't get checked. I self diagnosed from pics in medical journals and went through severe depression for a long time. I think you have psyched yourself into it. Do yourself a favor and insist on getting tested at a clinic (I say insist because if you tell a Dr what you have shared here they will tell you your fine and to go home). Get a type specific blood test and you will know for sure. If you do have it, it's not the end of the world at all. Me...........well I did get it, probably this time last year. Ignorant, I know but I went through some incredibly tragic events and my judgement got clouded for a stint. I have good days and bad, but overall it's really no biggie once you educate yourself about it. I think you are fine bro..........get checked, keep us posted

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    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
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