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hopeful4peace

coming to terms with this and New Relationship

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hopeful4peace

Hi,

I am new on here. I am going through a divorce after being with my husband for 9 years. When I found out that I was infected we had just started daiting. He was fine with it. But here I am 9 years later getting a divorce (which is a very positive thing), we have been seperated for a year.

This summer I started to be intersted in this guy I know , we hang out in the same group of friends for the past 4 years and well this was not planed but I started to like him and his so amazing with my son.

So here is where we are at, I am going through this divorce and my guy friend doesn't want to even date until the divorce is finale so we are just getting to know each other. We talk on the phone at least 3x a week for hours at time. I am like I can't believe this man has such high moral principles, that he intends to wait to do anything at all until the marriage is final. Which is so cool because I am thinking that hey if he waits that long and all we do is talk and get to know each other and hang out with friends, he is with me for me.

But I have the fear of the talk. Of having to tell him which I will because I will not not tell him you know. But how am I going to have this talk with this amazing man when I haven't even dealt with this yet. Even after 9 years its just been that I have this thing, its destroyed my self-esteem, I feel ruined and tainted, disgusting, but I have never dealt with it. Any time I have an outbreak I hate it I get so mad, furious, and all those horrid feelings about myself our a thousand times stronger then on normal days.

When I was in my marriage I didn't have to think about it hardly, but now I do.

I have read some threads today and it helps a little bit but I have so much fear. My friend was the one who suggested I find some support on this issue, that its not as bad as I feel it is, that its a common thing, and that if I want to have a relationship with this wonderful guy then I need to deal with my own feelings about it first. How do I expect him to be ok with it when I am not ok with it.

Also, all these years I thougth that just as long as I didn't have sex during an outbreak then it was safe because thats what I was told. And now I am reading all this stuff about how you can spread this thing, which by the way I can't even say the word out loud, or even think it so how am I going to say it to him.

What if he runs. and yeah is it wrong of me to wait over six month before I tell him. I mean I am not going to tell him unless we become intimate but then at the same time is it wrong knowing that he might not be accepting. What if I am just waisting his time.

sorry this is so all over the place and long, it just I have kept all this inside of my for 9 years.

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BillieJean

i wouldn't wait 6 mos. i feel that would be taking advantage. sounds like he truly cares for and respects you. have more confidence in him. if you tell him sooner, and before the divorce is finalized, it will also allow him more time to educate himself on the condition. and if it turns out to be something he can't accept then hopefully you can respect that and the friendship won't be destroyed completely, which you risk if you wait too long to tell him.

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hopeful4peace

How long do you think is to long?

This is so hard because I really like this guy and his just so great, and its not in the way where his trying to do all these wonderful things all the time, its in this settle way he has respect for other people and how I watch him with my son. Man the way he is with children can still a girls heart. The way he talks to me, just everything. His just a really great guy.

I don't want to lead him on or take advantage of him, I am just scared and don't want to lose this guy or his friendship you know.

I guess in my head I am already thinking his going to run. I mean I know that if that is his choice he will be completely respectful and kind about it, but I just feel like who the hell is going to be with someone like me. I do feel dirty, gross and ruined. I know I need to give him more credit you know, his a very smart guy, very knowlegable.

So I guess thats what I am doing on this site is to start preparing myself to tell him and to deal with this for my own emotional healing. Just thinking about it I feel like I am going to start to cry. I know that when I tell him its all about how I tell him. I've read that if I don't make a big deal out of it then its easier for them, but if I am emotional or making a big deal it freaks them out.

I will have respect for his choice. I know that I won't be able to promise that I won't be crushed but I won't be upset with him. And I would like to still have a friendship with him because he is so cool.

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curecomingverysoon

There is no need to tell him yet. Honestly, this is your private medical condition. Why disclose until it become apparent that this is actually really going somewhere? What if you talk to him for two months and then discover you don't like his socks (you know what I mean) and stop calling him then you'll have told him for no reason (or he stops calling you for an unrelated reason).

Basically telling him now is giving him an open invitation to run before he gets to know how fantastic you are. There is simply no need to force it at this point if you're not going to be having sex in the near future. Go with what feels natural. If there's a moment in conversation that seems appropriate then by all means, go for it. But otherwise, maybe ease into it. Gauge his reaction by those annoying Valtrex commercials, how he responds to other STI situations. If it becomes clear that he's incredibly narrow-minded then move on. But if it seems as though there's room to hope, then start thinking as such. Practice how you're going to explain it. Do it very clinically - present him with your story but also the transmission statistics (1% using condoms and suppressive therapy, 2% using just suppressive treatment). You have the time so take it! And you didn't mention if you were on suppressive treatment -- I would probably go and get on that if I were in your shoes. Also, ask him to go get himself tested for EVERYTHING (including HSV, which is not part of the standard test panel).

You are not dirty, gross or ruined. HSV sufferers need to stop thinking of themselves like this. If he isn't interested then keep looking, he just wasn't the right one. And if your ex-husband accepted you as you were, why wouldn't this guy, especially with medicine SO much better these days?

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