Does H push people into pre-mature marriage?

[raingecko]

Okay, I hate bringing out questions that everyone hates to think about, but I must.

Do you think that H makes people jump into marriage prematurely?

It just seems so easy to marry the 1st person who accepts you for your condition. But it that a true test of his/her character or your compatibility?

Marriage can be an escape from having to keep telling others or being alone. It takes the stress off having H, so it can be tempting if added with other incentives.

For those who are married with H, and contracted H prior to marriage.

Would you have waited and contemplated your options longer before marriage, if you never had H? I really want to hear what you people have to say. You can really help people on this forum in one way or another.

Thinking about such matters now, can save titanic scale problems down the line.

[Lasmom]

VERY GOOD QUESTION.

I can only say that I found out "we" were positive when we decided to get a divorce - it did cross my mind when the dust settled that maybe it would have been easier to stay...

So my opinion would be that it would be easy to "stay" with acceptance. The devil you know is far better than the devil you don't know.

Myadvice to anyone is to try your best and remove this from any decision making. I'm currently in a relationship that is on the fence - and I am literally struggling with this very issue. He DOES NOT CARE that I have it - comforting, but I am petrified to give it to him - works both ways you see - h can destroy the relationship just as easy as it can influence a wedding.

[ebear]

Good question.

I'm 24 engaged to be married and I just found out I have GH. As of right now we're not sure if he has it. We're taking precautions as if he doesn't because he's never had an outbreak. And the doctor's tell us a blood test is not accurate.

I wouldn't settle for someone because of what I have. True, it's easier to stay with someone if they accept you. But to me it's the same thing as staying with someone because you already know them, you're comfortable with them, or because you have a child together. It's common for people to make the mistake of taking the easy way.

I believe in true love and what's meant to be. I have always told myself that I will NEVER settle. Because I believe in soulmates and it may sound cheesy, but I believe in that love you see in the movies.

My fiance and I are like that. This has been stressful on our relationship, more so for me than him. For ex. last night he wanted to have sex. But I'm petrified of giving this to him. And I backed out. So I know it can be frustrating, but he's been sticking by me and being very patient.

However, if things don't work out for whatever reason I won't stay with him just because he's accepted this. I still expect to be treated with respect, etc. And I need to treat him the same way.

[whyme26]

I agree. That was indeed a very good question. For me, I have thought about that many times. I have had the blood test done that i am positive for HSV2 but I have never experienced any outbreaks except on my forearm (kinda funny how that can be). But I was told the same that blood test aren't accurate. I have had a culture done on the blister on my arm before and it came back negative, but I didn't really feel comfortable with the dermatologist that I was seeing, so I am waiting for it to reappear to get a second opinion .

But anyways, if this is the case that I do have HSV2, I am certain that I will not settle with the first person that accepts me with this condition. If I do not have mutual feelings for that person, there is no need to settle with them, whether they accept me or not. I

[dncrck]

HSV and MArriage

I have oral herpes contracted from rape. My first girlfriend had cold sores, but she got them the "normal" way I guess you could say, from sharing a glass or getting a bad flu or whatever. At first when I found out we couldn't spread HSV from kissing, I thought, "Perfect! We're perfect! Marriage HAS to be the next step!" Then I thought..This is dumb. L. was my first partner, and I did (and do) love her and all, however...Why did I want to walk down the aisle with a person, really mainly because of a few blisters?? I mean I know HSV's more than that; but, my point is that I need to date more and, as people have said before me, not settle just because I've got an STD. People either love you or they don't, and they love the WHOLE PACKAGE if they're really in love with you-not "I love your eyes but not your HSV; I love your hair buit not your freckles," or whatever. For me, I really don't care who knows I have HSV, and whether I am in a comitted relationship with a woman who has it is an irrelevant matter. I just want somebody who loves all of me.

[blessedfreedom]

I knew I need time to heal but...

I have to admit that I jumped into a new realtionship shortly after learning that I contracted GH. I knew I needed time to heal, but because he also had HSV 2, I just kind of closed my eyes to EVERYTHING else and kind of hoped for the best.

We were not compatible as a couple, and now it even seems that we won't manage as friends. I assumed that we would be able to share feelings and emotions openly but I later learned that he hadn't properly dealt with the fact that he had HSV 2 in a positive way. We had problems from the beginning, but I was afraid to walk away cause I just didn't want to start over with a new person.

I learned a good lesson though. I'm now taking a break from dating just so I can learn to stand on my own two feet with confidence. I don't want to hide behind anyone just cause they may have GH or just because he happens to be an understanding person. I want to really care for my mate without regard to his herpes status.

So this is my journey. I take it in stride and I see it like any other challenge in life. But if Mr. Compatible comes along...

[Lasmom]

Re: I knew I need time to heal but...

I'm now taking a break from dating just so I can learn to stand on my own two feet with confidence. I take it in stride and I see it like any other challenge in life. But if Mr. Compatible comes along...

Not only do I like your attitude, I love your screen name.

I don't need to wish you luck - seems like you'll find you own!

[christi]

Hello it's Christi,

When I first found out I had genital herpes (five years ago), I was devastated. I flattered myself into thinking that herpes was the ONLY reason that I would never find love or be accepted by a guy. When I look back on that I realise what an egotistical way of thinking that was. How much power do we waste on thinking that herpes is forever going to define who we are!!!

The first person I told was my best friend who happened to be male and who I knew had a crush on me. I was so anxious to prove that I could be loved that I went against all my instincts and started a relationship with him. I fooled myself into thinking that he was the one for me because he loved me despite my having herpes. What a big mistake. I wound up breaking his heart. As I started to deal with having herpes and became emotionally stronger I realised that although I loved him as a friend I never really had any romantic feelings for him. My devastation at having been diagnosed with herpes had 'manufactured' a temporary 'chemistry'. I had mistaken my relief at his accepting my herpes as romantic love. I am so grateful that he didn't contract it and so sorry that I broke his heart when I came to my senses! This was herpes relationship lesson number one for me!

I then decided that I should only stick to my 'own crowd' and find someone who also had herpes. Within a short time I met another guy who had genital herpes himself. I enthusiastically launched myself into a relationship with him and we moved in together. It was so liberating to not have to worry about herpes as we both already had it. Wow, I thought I had finally found 'the one'.

How I fooled myself! It didn't take long for the cracks to show and I realised that the only thing we really had in common was herpes! It takes a lot more to build a lasting foundation for a relationship. Another break-up and more heart-break. Herpes lesson number two!

I then took a year and a half off dating altogether to really get to know myself and how I was going to deal with herpes as a small part of who I am. Truly, I have realised that herpes is an amazing tool which can be used to clearly review a relationship and why it is or isn't working. I now use my herpes to help me with the following:

Am I dating this person for the right reasons or am I heavily influenced by the fact that they accept my herpes?

Am I dating this person because they already have herpes and it's just 'easier'?

Do I fear this person catching herpes off me because I don't want to feel obliged to stay with them if they do catch it.....if the answer is yes - end it now!!!

If the person I am with catches herpes off me I would feel terrible but I know I am committed to them for life and they are committed to me, they are my soulmate and we'll get through it together, we've talked at length...congratulations, you've found 'the one'.

And the evil inner thought- do I secretly hope this person will get herpes because then maybe they'll stay with me....NO NO NO! If you fantasise about desperate measures (not that you would actually even do it) then there are serious problems with trust and this relationship may not be right for you!

And last but not least am I staying because of fear of never finding anyone who'll accept me with herpes, am I staying because I don't ever want to have to go through the ordeal of telling someone I have herpes ever again, am I staying because I feel obliged because now I've given it to them (just a scenario) and I owe it to them to stay?

Can herpes in a relationship lead to premature marriage...yes I think it could but on the other hand- Can herpes help us learn about true love, ask the right questions, act for the right reasons and help us make good decisions YES it can!

I have learnt so much from having herpes and making mistakes that I really couldn't imagine my life without it now. It opened my mind to what motivates me. By focusing on how I can use herpes to work out what my motivations are I no longer feel like a lesser person for having it, I feel like a better person. I can honestly say that it has reduced in it's negative impact so much that I'm no longer scared of it! I see it is a minor skin condition, a small inconvenience which just happens to be passed on during sexual contact. (That's not to say I don't care about passing it on, I do everything in my power to keep it to myself...so to speak!) Just because I'm OK I will never forget the emotional impact the stigma of herpes has and that is something I would never wish on anyone! I am committed however to sharing what I have learned so maybe others can learn to live positively with herpes also.

I have always reminded myself and my friends who are in a relationship rut of the following: While you are trying to make things work with the wrong person....the right person could walk right on past and you'll be too busy to notice! (herpes or no herpes)

Phew! Now that that's off my chest I'll get down off my soap box!

Christi.

[sad2bhere]

Christi that post was so well thought out and intelligent, I have to read it a bunch of times to absorb it all. What a wise woman you are!

I was telling Lasmom today, I definitely think I married my husband (now ex) pre-emptively because I was totally overwhelmed with the diagnosis, and yes, alot of us isolate ourselves to just our sexual partner when we are diagnosed... I looked to him for comfort and support .. and the marriage I suppose was a natural progression. If I had shared my diagnosis with friends or family, perhaps they'd have cautioned me ... who knows.

Now, the shoe is on the other foot and a man I've had to tell about the H says his blood tests (+), and after 6 weeks of no contact, suddenly he is ready to resume our relationship. He says this time really gave him a chance to know what is important and that he misses me very much. He sounds like he is ready to get serious and yet - my guard is way up.

(See this thread http://www.herpes-coldsores.com/messageforum/viewtopic.php?p=6046#6046 - long story)

Definitely something to think about...

s2bh

[hope]

glad someone asked

I am glad someone brought this question to attention because it is something i think about constantly. I am 22 years old and still a virgin, for the simple fact that i haven't been in a realtionship that was worth me givning myself to someone else. However, in Jan. of this year I was diagnosed with HSV 1 genitally and I was just beside myself. Here I am still a virgin because I have never had a serious realtionship and now I have to deal with the fact of carry this virus. Being so young I think about the future a lot....will I find someone who will except me for me? I hope that I don't become desperate and marry the first person who comes along and accepts this virus disregarding the fact that I may not really love him. It is a concern but I try not to focus on the "what if things don't go as planned." I have faith that I will meet the right person and when I do this virus won't even be something worth stressing over. They say if you really truly love a person you would die for them...so if a person really loves you they would not care about even contracting this virus, which is by no means fatal. Call me a dreamer and I'll tell you I am, it keeps me going. I also truly feel that this virus will help me find the right one, because our realtionship won't be based on sex...it can't be. And not for nothing but I find a lot of the times it is all about the booty ( and that i may feel this way because i live on a college campus) However, from this point on my realtionships are going to have to based on something stronger than sex, and what could be better than being with someone because you truly love and care about one another.