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lucillaveras

My partner told me this weekend about having Herpes – Shocked, Scared, Angry and Sad…

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lucillaveras

My partner just broke me the news. I am in total shock. I know it sounds heartless and I should have more compassion and be more supportive. I can’t imagine the guts it took him to tell something like that.

But The moment he told me that - I saw my entire personal and sex life flash by. My first reaction was that maybe I’m not infected I could still get out of this.The relationship is so young. This might all go awry anyway. Just run now. Cut your loses. But all the article I just read about the condition said that the infection risk is constant whether the virus is dormant or active. So I can only assume I’ve caught the virus by now. We have been together for 6 months I thought I was safe with him. I’ve always been careful. Always tested between partners, always practiced safe sex until the relationship got more serious and stable.

I’m still in shock. I can’t think straight. I’m 32 and will probably never have sex or be in a relationship ever again, which is a far easier choice than facing the embarrassment and shame of telling this to a future loved one…And if I'm not infected. I'll be too scared to get infected to ever have sex again.

I’ve been single most of my life. I never want children or marriage. But I was hoping of having a life partner. I know I sound self centred but the truth is that for me the only worst thing than getting this viral disease - is being responsible of giving this to someone else. I could never live with the guilt and shame on passing this forward. And lets face if you are going to have a proper satisfying sex life - you're bound to infect your partner sooner or later.

I am angry. I am upset. I feel punished for enjoying sex before. Now it feels ugly and filthy and I feel part of that ugliness and filth. I feel like a leper. A should have a big bell around my neck to warn everyone. Maybe even get a good stoning at the town centre. First thing tomorrow I will seek a phsycologist before I get to serious of comtemplating suicide..Then again talk isn't going to cure me unless my therapist is closely related to Jesus

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regret

well before you completely flip out, go to the dr, and see if you have it??? you may not?? they dont test for herpes with reguler std checks unless you specifically ask for it..you may have had this beofre your partner even did?? who knows,it can lay dormant for years..get yourself to the dr, have them draw blood to see if you have it or not??

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lucillaveras

I’m going to get tested this week to find out. Which still brings so many other dilemmas. If I don’t have it. Is it just a matter of time before I get it?

I was reading some posts in this Forum of couples having sex with latex gloves and covers, antiseptics… to be honest I don’t think I can live with that. I rather never have sex again then turn it into some clinical checklist spectacle. And sex with condoms with your partner…for life… I’m just not one of those people to believe in the quote that “Sex is like pizza.When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.”

No Sir. When its bad – I rather read a good book. And all that mess with latex gloves and antiseptics, not even George Clooney would be able to pull that one off. I’d be reading my novel.

I used to REALLY enjoy my sex life before. Now I'm looking at a future of condoms, latex sheets, anticeptics and gum shields and missionary positions with clothe on. I mean c'mon its hard enough in this day and age to keep your sex live alive and interesting without this handicap...how can couple's sex lives possibly survive this?!!!

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catiesmom

Try to think about it this way - if you've had a healthy sex life before this, you're damn lucky you didn't catch HSV sooner, or HPV or AIDS for that matter. Really, you've gotten off easy. So you've encountered what seems to be the ONLY person in your life who has an STD? Honey, he's in the 75th percentile! YOU are the minority!!

Does the idea of having HSV really scare you that much? If it does, i can't imagine you've EVER been comfortable having sex. Having herpes doesn't mean latex gloves and antiseptics, if you're willing to accept a 4% chance of transmission. Given the assumption that you've had unprotected sex in the past with more than 3 partners, you've taken more of a risk than this! And it did take guts for him to tell you (although he really should have told you before you started sleeping together) and you can be proactive about avoiding transmission by paying attention to his body and its signals.

If you ever intend to have sex again, consider this par for the course.

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girlgirl321

I find this really upsetting that you feel your sex life is coming to an end. Okay, granted that is what I thought but people who catch this virus, many catch it from long term partners and for that matter MANY people, including myself had no symptoms or signs of this virus. So, I mean all of the other people you had sex with, could have had hsv unless they specifically asked for a blood test for it since its not in the standard std test. Condoms do not prevent transmission either. Nothing does. If you are negative for hsv, that does not mean you are cleared for life. 1 in 4 people have this pesky virus who is to say you won't have sex with someone down the road who doesn't know they have hsv and accidentally gives it to you. Thats what happened to me.

People with herpes are not lepers and for that matter like I said catch it from a partner who had no idea they had herpes (my experience) So stop bashing people with herpes, this is a support group. If you have herpes its just something you will have to deal with. Suicide is just something that shouldn't be an option. If you have to think about suicide I would say your quality of life is really poor. In the beginning I thought I would never enjoy sex as I use to, I'd never have a partner etc etc. But, my boyfriend has been the best support ever and we have unprotected sex and might I add its the same as before. In the end, herpes has taught me a lot and maybe I'll never have a "one night stand" again but I look at it as, it is saving me from other STD's that are more severe. Consider yourself lucky if you have only caught hsv, who is to say that someone who looks perfectly normal has HIV and never tested for it. Then maybe, I'd look for suicide considering dying of AIDS is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE way to pass. Herpes isn't life threatening it is just lifelong and yes its annoying. But, for me, it keeps me being healthy, eating right, taking vitamins. Herpes also eliminates the men who don't REALLY want to be with me. Who really only care about sex and to me thats important. If a man doesn't want me because of herpes, essentially he is missing out because I'm a great person and if hes really only into sex, he probably has had many many sexual partners increasing his chances of hsv and who is to say he has been tested? He may never have been and be asymptomatic which is very common. I have a boyfriend who loves me for me and doesn't care about my herpes. He would rather have me forever than break up with me because of a virus which isn't life threatening. We plan on getting married, have kids, and have a normal life.

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lucillaveras

Well the thing is that I have always suffered from a massive STD phobia. I used to live in a country where health care is free and there are walk-in clinics everywhere. I have only had unprotected sex with three long term partners and that was the result of vigorous STD testing and screening on both and waiting for the 6month HIV clearance before ditching the condoms. And even then I got myself tested every 3 months.

On the few shorter relationships I’ve had we always used protection and would be so paranoid that I would have gotten tested at least once a month, but usually more often (I just used different clinics each time and STD clinics are anonymous).

Was I ever comfortable having sex? I admit that as a relationship progressed I always thought to myself ‘once this lead to sex I’ll have to start worrying about catching something and its back to testing. So the only times I really enjoyed it is in a long term relationship - because of the clearance/safety factor.

My phobia often made me consider to be an A-sexual. Most of the time I really could not be bothered with all the hassles and messyness of sex (swapping of bodily fluids, the sweat, the testing afterwards..). And stayed single and turn down every single date for several years at the time.

I still think today that I could happily live without having sex. But I would miss the companionship and don't want to be forever alone. The reality is that no relationship works without sex. And I'm not sure there really is such a thing than a A-sexual man. If you want a relationship - staying crossed legged is not an option...

I don’t know why I didn’t follow the same protocol with this man. I knew him for a long time. He was recently divorced and hadn’t been seeing anyone since. I was naively thinking there is a ’type’ for people who carry STDs and he didn’t fit the profile. We did use condoms for the first 4 month then I went on the pill. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me this. After all he’s had it for over 10 years.

Maybe there is a ‘type’ for STD carriers after all. It’s called IRRESPONSIBLE. And I belong to his group now. Even if it means leaving your guards down just once. That was once too many…

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lucillaveras

PS. Girlgirl 321 I'm sorry if you feel I'm bashing people with Herpes. I can assure that is not the intent. You said it yourself that you felt the same way about the ending of your sex life as you know it. I only just found out. So I'm in those begining stages were all seems hopeless and gloomy no matter what wisdoms are casted my way. But most of all I am still so angry at this ENTRAPPMENT that was set upon me. This was not innocence or ignorance from my partner's behalf. He knew he had it for ten years and decided to only tell me 6 month down the line... I believe everyone deserves the choice on this matter. He should have told me.

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catiesmom

I really don't think you should classify all people who have STDs as irresponsible. It's possible my boyfriend might get it from me, being fully informed and knowledgable about his decision. I certainly don't think that makes him irresponsible. Me, maybe. Not him. But we'll both be carriers if he catches it.

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MsLucy

lucillaveras, if you care to classify all STD (specifically herpes) carriers as being irresponsible, you came to the wrong place. The people on this forum are all about being responsible. That's why we're here, my dear, to help each other manage this virus in such a way that it doesn't disrupt our lives, or our partner's, any more than necessary. In short, the people on this forum are some of the most responsible people I know. If that weren't so, there wouldn't be so many discussions on disclosure and ways to prevent spreading.

I know you're stressed out right now, so I'm going easy on you. I agree, your partner should have told you, and I hope you don't have herpes. I truly do. But if it turns out that your test comes back positive, I have a feeling you'll be back, with a slightly humbler attitude, and a more encompassing grasp of the ramifications of your words today. But that's something you won't/can't understand until/unless you're on this side of the fence, and you realize that we're all the same... we're just people, like everyone else you pass on the sidewalk... no worse or better. Just people. Like you.

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ouch

wow. yeah....Irresponsible, huh?

The majority of the people I know who contracted herpes did not do so by being irresponsible, but usually because (like you) there PARTNER was irresponsible and didn't bother to disclose, thus, negating their right to choose if they wanted to indulge in a physical relationship with that person.

To stereotype all people with STDS as irresponsible is "irresponsible" on your behalf. Perhaps you should sit back and think things through a bit before you make such comments.

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ellen

By my understanding you have been with your partner for a while and he has only just told you??? If there is one person you should be angry at is him!

Also I was the same as you, massive phobia, I said no to sex most times and when I didnt I used condoms and was always getting tested, doesnt matter what you did, how responsible or not you are it can happen. It did to me! I have HSV2, have since April this year. It consumes your life it sucks and I hate it!! However I wasnt told I have aids or cancer and for that Im lucky!

You need to go back to how you felt with your partner before he told you. If you have strong enough feelings you will stay no matter what!

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