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Brandi7

Husband didn't tell me he had herpes!

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Brandi7

My husband & I dated for 3 1/2 years before we were married this past July 2008. I always asked him if there was anything I didn't know about him & he would always say no. Well, as soon as I moved in his house, so did his hateful, spoiled, resentful 17 y.o. daughter. She & her dad got into an argument last week & I just so happened to be in the room at the time. She preceded to tell me & my husband that we don't really know each other. So, I asked her what is it that we don't know? She then said, did my dad tell you that he has herpes???!!! I was shocked to say the least. I am not mad about the herpes, it doesn't bother me, it's just the fact it had to come out of her mouth instead of his, b/c she really hates me & she is always trying to break us up! He said that he tried to tell me lots of times, but just couldn't do it, b/c he was afraid of losing me. I'm am seriously thinking about leaving him, just b/c he wasn't forthright from the beginning. It's like he didn't even consider my health at all!! I don't know if I can trust him anymore. He has been so apologetic & I know he feels bad. He said that since he takes Valtrex, he doesn't have any outbreaks anymore & he didn't think I could get it & he didn't think it would ever be an issue. I am just so crushed, confused & angry! I don't know what to do. I know I will be going to get tested though. Anybody who has been through anything similar, PLEASE POST A REPLY! I really need some feedback.

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catiesmom

I'm so sorry you had to find out this way! He should have been forthright and told you up front, especially when you asked him. I'm sorry you had to hear it from his daughter, of all people! I don't really have any advice for you, but i hope things work out somehow!

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lifesstillgood

It all depends how you feel about this man. If you love him and want to spend your life with him then you stay. If you feel his being dishonest about it is too much for you to deal with then I guess you must move on. No one can really give you an answer to this as this is a very personal decision only you can make.

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gotitsowhat

The questions...

What else hasn't he told you? Another possible question: If his daughter is 17, and a brat, he must have played some role in allowing her to become that way. And if she has made you miserable, then he has been allowing that. And he did not tell you she would be part of your life until she was. It seems that this guy decides to sucker you into a relationship without giving you some pretty significant facts. Just something to think about. Glad you have the courage to get tested and will at least know your own health status. You may very well not have herpes yourself.

Take care and think carefully before you remain with someone who has a habit of not revealing things to manipulate you.

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Ultra Violet

How is it his 17 yr old daughter knows and you didn't? :confused:

It may well be that he's not keeping any further secrets but I would say that it would be hard for you to trust that now.

I suggest (strongly) family therapy as it seems there's a lot going on that's not working very well for you in this relationship and not just the herpes non disclosure. It may be hugely beneficial to have an objective person (ie therapist/ counsellor) to help.

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regret

anytime you date someone who has children you always go into it that they will be a part of the package, was she a surprise? you didnt know she existed? yes it was decietful of him not to tell you,,no one can give you advice on this topic, this is a personal choice of what boundaries have been crossed for you and your feelings for him. if he seems really aplogetic, i woud go from there and see what you can work out..educate yourself on tyhe topic and then make a descion..dont make one so quiclky..give it time...

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chooseyourbattles

This is all just really....surprising, especially that his daughter knew and you didn't.

I really would have thought most people would tell their spouses.

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behappy

Get therapy----

I completely agree with Ultra Violet. Counseling is truly called for on all fronts even if you're the only one who signs up. My ex (that's not why we broke up) knew he had it but never told me. I had my first outbreak 7 months later on the honeymoon. It sucked and still does, but you have to decide whether or not you want to be with your husband for the rest of your life. If so, stick it out. But, whatever you do, DON'T stay with him because you think no one else will accept you IF you have contracted it. My husband accepted my condition 2 years ago, and unfortunately had his first OB yesterday. But, he knew it could happen and wants to be with me forever. I am blessed. And, if your husband is NOT the right guy for you, you WILL find him eventually. Just never settle in life.

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gotitsowhat

One more comment...

The fact that you felt you needed to ask him this question several times (or even once) is a comment on the red flags you saw but were ignoring. When you're getting to know a guy, if you find that you have the urge to ask a guy over and over to verify that he doesn't have anything hidden from you means that you already know, on some level, that he does. It is not a question we ask of those we trust, it's the kind of question we ask when we are feeling deeply insecure about what the guy is presenting to us about himself.

No matter how well we know anyone, there is always plenty we don't know. So it makes no sense to ask someone, "Is there anything I don't know about you?" The question is whether what we don't know is something we should know or something that would make us hesitate to commit to him. And if we have to ask that question several times, there almost always is.

Or, to put it another way, one bit of wisdom you could get out of this is: Always listen to your instincts and intuition.

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MrMonogamous

Failing to tell your spouse you have STD and lawsuits

My wife never let me know she had herpes. Maybe because she had been married several times before, she left that part out when we first met. She has told others that she might be a carrier. No such thing. You have it or you don't. She hadn't had an outbreak in years and thought it had gone into "remission", my guess is. My medical tests results after I went into the marriage showed negative for STD. She had not been tested. Since I know beyond reasonable doubt I got it from her, I have a civil suit pending against her for infecting me. Folks disregard some of the ignorant comments about how you shouldn't sue. These people are spreading it because there is normally no price to pay. What are you going to do? Sue me? They scream, prove it! All it takes is my and her medical records to show someone is lying, about who gave it to whom. She claims to have told the guy she is with now that she has STD and that he didn't care. We will find that out in court. I was never given that option. Lawyers will take your case on a contingency basis. They take a percentage of the settlement, either in or out of court.

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SkiMan

This situation is messed and I doubt anyone would blame you for leaving him. I don't know what to say really...other than: I think h is the least of your concerns. The 17 yr old who hates you would be the red flag for me.

I wonder why she has such feelings. That has to be fixed....or I doubt this relationship can work.

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