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msdiva88

Advice Needed

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msdiva88

I found out a year ago that I had received genital herpes from my (ex) boyfriend. I never really dealt with this situation and I've tried to forget about it. I've been on daily suppressive therapy since I found out. In May I told my new boyfriend that I had herpes (I really messed up by not telling him before we started having sex =( ) and he was very upset that I had kept this from him and would put him at risk like that. Fortunately, he forgave me and we decided to take a break but never stopped being friends and having romantic feelings for each other (also still having sex). Today, we found out that he has herpes and I don't know what to say to him. He says he's not mad at me because since I told him, it was his choice to be involved and put himself at risk. I feel horrible for this. He told a couple of his family members and they completely hate me, they want me out of his life for good. He also says that he doesn't know how he feels right now. I don't want him to hate me but I can't be upset if he did. I feel like I did when I first found out that I had it. I'm so depressed and I can't even concentrate on anything. Has anyone ever experienced this?

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bennismama

Well, I know that the way I contracted herpes was not a choice for me - so for that, I would be upset. However, he is probably going through the grief one feels when they contract this virus. I think you can apologize but until he figures things out, it'll probably be weird between you two. I'm not sure there is much you can do other than apologize and reiterate that, because he knew and you were on supressive therapy, you feel like you took the necessary steps to keep him safe. i would say that he probably has that feeling in the back of his head, because you didn't tell him at first that he contracted it before he knew. Unfortunately, that's a mistake that's been made and, hopefully, you've learned from. All you can do is let him know but, ultimately, he's right - he made the choice to continue being intimate with you after knowing. It's like playing with dynamite and being pissed when your hand gets blown off. You take the risk, and unforunately it doesn't work out so well. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

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gotitsowhat

Fair is fair

As he himself stated to you, he took the risk so you are not to blame. Actually, blame is beside the point in this situation--a virus has no conscience. I kind of wonder about why he decided to tell his family and, if he told them he took the risk knowingly, why they have decided to hate you. That is one of the reasons I think people should be cautious about deciding to tell their families about this unless there is a good reason (such as telling a spouse). I think you need to treat this like what it is, a virus, a medical condition, a minor health issue, not a blame game thing. It happened. At least you don't need to worry now about getting it from each other--maybe he can point that one out to his disapproving relatives. I would attempt to put this aside as much as possible and move on. Guilt is counterproductive here and beside the point. Guilt never cured anything and it won't help this, in fact, it adds to the stress and stress is a bad thing with hsv. Find some fun activities and put this in the past.

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Morning

I'm sorry that this is happening to you both. When I try to put myself in everyone's shoes, I can understand how they feel. From his family's perspective, they care about him and want the best for him, so now that he has this life long disease that he got from you, I can understand their dislike for you. From his persepctive, he may have enough understanding not to hate you because he was (eventually) given a choice about this, but he still now has a life long disease and is probably thinking whether you were worth the risk in retrospect. I can understand your feelings of guilt, first for not telling him and now for passing this on to him. As time goes on, hopefully all involved will gain more perspective. Hopefully his family realized that he's a grown man making grown man choices and hating you doesn't change any of these circumstances. Hopefully he can come to terms with this new reality (you can remember I'm sure that it's a tough go at first dealing with this until you can gain some perspective). And hopefully you have forgiven yourself for the initial poor choice and for this happening to him. You didn't mean for this to happen. I would feel just as you do if I knew I passed it on to someone. But beating yourself up for too long is unfair, you don't deserve that. So give him space and when opportunities present to discuss this, discuss it with compassion for yourself, him and his family. And we'll continue to be here for support.

Morning

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SkiMan
I found out a year ago that I had received genital herpes from my (ex) boyfriend. I never really dealt with this situation and I've tried to forget about it. I've been on daily suppressive therapy since I found out. In May I told my new boyfriend that I had herpes (I really messed up by not telling him before we started having sex =( ) and he was very upset that I had kept this from him and would put him at risk like that. Fortunately, he forgave me and we decided to take a break but never stopped being friends and having romantic feelings for each other (also still having sex). Today, we found out that he has herpes and I don't know what to say to him. He says he's not mad at me because since I told him, it was his choice to be involved and put himself at risk. I feel horrible for this. He told a couple of his family members and they completely hate me, they want me out of his life for good. He also says that he doesn't know how he feels right now. I don't want him to hate me but I can't be upset if he did. I feel like I did when I first found out that I had it. I'm so depressed and I can't even concentrate on anything. Has anyone ever experienced this?

To be honest, you screwed up. You should have told him before you started sleeping with him. That was a crappy thing to do. However, he obviously doesn't care much since he continued having sex with you...knowingly. If he did care, he would have stopped and gotten tested.

In short, I wouldn't beat yourself up too bad. Learn from your mistake and be 100% honest with other potential partners in the future (should it not work out with your dude). Good luck!

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msdiva88

I completely understand that not telling him before having sex was wrong and I regret that everyday. Bennismama I do feel that he is thinking that he got it before this test, however, he's been tested like every two months and things have always been okay. I don't really know what we did wrong this last time but I think we can get through it. I'm trying to take all advice into consideration. I appreciate your encouragement during these stressful times.

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VVK

So how do you know that he didn't have HSV before becoming intimate with you? Was he an honest virgin all the way before that?

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curecomingverysoon
So how do you know that he didn't have HSV before becoming intimate with you? Was he an honest virgin all the way before that?

The same thought also occurred to me. The relationship sounds very rocky... who's to say that he didn't sleep with someone else and contract it from her? 1% is just such a small percentage... I'm skeptical that you gave it to him if you've been following those precautions so strictly.

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msdiva88

Well you (I) could never be completely sure that he didn't get from another girl. I highly doubt it, he's really not the kind of guy who has sex with girls he doesn't care for. Plus his ex was a virgin before him and he didn't get it from her. I'm the only girl he's been with since then. I don't think that's my main issue, at the end of the day we both have the same virus and that's our real problem. It's kind of hard now as time passes on because I think he feels like he's forced to be with me because he has it. He says he cares about me and he made the ultimate sacrifice but he said that the only thing he wants right now is sex because he'll never have a choice again, if it's not with me. I don't really know what he means. Is he saying that he doesn't want to be with me or is he still really mad that this happened and this is the only way he knows how to deal with it?

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