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My turn...

Lasmom

By Lasmom,
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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

Posted
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I've been pushed by a dear friend to place this on it's own thread - I originally started out replying to Friend of H girl on Monday....

I'm actually having a hard time right now - I was with my BF all weekend, and came to work yesterday feeling crappy - thought I was just sore from sex - then I had "tingling" and a half hour later tiny blisters showed up - not good. I got back to my desk to a ringing phone - mt BF, I was upset, told him, he said he wasn't mad - but was obviously upset - I so badly needed him to say - it's OK, I took the risk - we'll see what happens.... but he just said he wasn't mad.

I'm realizing that this is holding me back from allowing myself to be totally with him - relationship wise. I'm afraid to expose him - now I probably have - I'm a mess.

And - the OB is bad - not a big area - but pretty painful - like I'm being punished for exposing him - maybe that stress is making it worse - I don't know.

So friend - I appreciate your words because my BF isn't so good at on-the-spot comforting, and I guess I don't blame him for being pset - his health too.

This really sucks.

The best part is - My BF is now trying to decide if we should stay together because of this. Nice. I guess that positive attitude got me noplace - and I'm now left to struggle to find it again.

Monday pm - "you're still my girl"

Tuesday pm - he wanted to break it off even though he "loves" me...

Wed 10 pm he wants to talk

Wed 2:30 am he wants to see me tonight.

WTF do I do.

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sad2bhere Honeycomb Member

sad2bhere

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Girl, you are not being punished for exposing him. You and he have had many many conversations about this, he is an adult, he is educated and informed about the risks of herpes, and he chose to keep having unprotected sex with you. HE chose.

I wish he were following up and being just as supportive of you as you have been to him with his issues, but it doesn't appear to be that way... and I have the feeling that the fact that the issue right now is HERPES just intensifies your experience. He's sort of flakey and self absorbed, we talked about this - and the fact that this is your ONE HOTBUTTON ISSUE and he isn't being supportive to you - in fact he is causing MORE drama - brings it all the more to your attention. Intensifying your hurt feelings, as it were.

Now couple that with him feeling threatened because you had a male friend visiting from out of town, and he's all off half cooked over that, not expressing himself real well on that issue. Cmon, you HAVE to know that he's not handling the perceived threat too well..., and is probably re-evaluating everything right now, just as you are. The fact is, though, he's way better off with you in his life. You're the rock. Trouble is, when you're tired of being the adult and want someone else to steer for a bit, he's not handling it for you. The thang runs off the road, like Dr. Phil likes to say.

Lastly, I want to just throttle all the people on the board here that receive replies from you day in and day out and didn't take the time to respond to your post. Some of them have even been so taken with your (self appointed, ahem) role of Board Mom that they have PMed you with their own problems and questions with nary a look at your request for help. I don't know what to tell you, you're one of the most giving people here on this board, but when the rubber hits the road, who is there for you. And does this sound anything like what's going on with -oh - ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP in your life? :roll:

Ok, get mad at me, call me a smart arse, I can take it. I hope you are feeling much better physically. Emotionally, would it possible for the two of you to take a break - a real break - and see if you miss each other? It really takes two people to put you in the role of Mom - it took both of you. Now shaking up that dynamic is going to take more than probably a few conversations about how unsupported you feel. And have you told him about how this un-equal support feels? Does he know how flaky he is looking to you?

s2bh

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Trouble is' date=' when you're tired of being the adult and want someone else to steer for a bit, he's not handling it for you. The thang runs off the road, like Dr. Phil likes to say.[/quote']

Amen sista

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Palomita Honeycomb Member

Palomita

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Posted

Hey, Lasmom

I can so relate to how you were feeling when you wrote your May 13 post. The story isn't a direct parallel but the feeling might be. The guy I was with pulled the whole knight in shining armor thing on me when I found out I had HSV...that is until the relationship went sour, then he told me as we parted "If you gave me Herpes you're DEAD". It can be brutal. And the guilt thing, too. I made myself physically ill after being with my new bf for the first time because of what you are describing. After 4 years of no symptoms, after being with him I had what I believe was an outbreak. It was enough to send me into bed with the covers over my head for a week. I was so distraught at the thought of infecting him that I physically couldn't get out of bed. He didn't contract it and still has not.

But either way, the bottom line I guess is we have to really take it to the bottom of our hearts that we will be ok no matter what happens. I wish your guy were more supportive, but rather than get pissed if he does get it it's probably better in the long run that he assume he'll eventually get it and decide what he wants to do based on that assumption. I would be more sympathetic to his mindset if I had not been in his shoes before. It was a no-brainer for me, I was supportive of my bf who had it and fully accepting of the risk. There are just so many worse things out there than HSV. Keep us posted...Palomita

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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thanks Pal - yeah, I try to talk to him about it - not to force the issue, but to just get it out in the open that he accepts the risk - otherwise it's just stupid to be together.

He's got bigger fish to fry right now - and he's taking stuff out on me that has nothing to do with me - and apologies 3 days after don't hold alot of water. I'm trying to decide what to do.... really difficult for me right now.

thank you.

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Well, for whomever is reading, I thought I'd follow up:

I had a long toalk with him last night - turns out friend of H girl and S2BH really helped me out - thanks guys. :wink:

Interesting: he thought I'd get upset talking about it - so he always changed the subject - and - if I said I had an OB - he thought - OK - no sex - what's on TV? that fast - he thought that was good - the problem - it lingers on my mind - feeling like a leper and such - I told him I needed him to at least ask how I'm feeling, process it with me for 5 minutes, then move on.

He said his reaction was more the shock of the possibility of the close call + my emotional response in telling him wasn't very good, so I need to chill out and "tell" him calmer next time - and I needed for him to tell me that he understands what it was all about so I am confident he knows the truth. He actually asked me questions - the ones I hear everyday - and thanks to the site it was easier for me to calmly tell him facts and truths and experiences.

So thanks to the site admins too - who developed this place - "oz" as I call it - you ppl behind the curtain - for letting me learn through helping (and sometimes maybe not helping so much) others.

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Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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BTW - I'm still not sure where the relationship lies - turns out there was a whole lot of other stuff going on with him - which he is not good about communicating - proof that even the accepting of "us" may not be the best for "us". But, I'm going to see if I can work through it - let me just say his problem, although not a virus or medical, is a whole world of hurt more than what we deal with - on a different scale that is.

thanks for listening.

Lasmom

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  • 1 year later...
Lasmom Acknowledged Support Member

Lasmom

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Hi people!

Anyone remember me?

Anyway - thought I'd give you all an update on the above.

We broke up - I started seeing someone from an H-site. He turned out to be an alcholoic crazy person... nuf said there, but I developed some WONDERFUL friends at a website I've noted on here. A great group of people who live with it and just don' give a shit what people think - but people who "understand". It's a very healthy environment for me.

So - I ran into the ex BF one day. He really missed me. I realized through seeing other people that I just wanted to be with him - but how could I without exposing him again???

So he and I started talking again. We decided to give it another try. Then he told me. I did in fact expose him. He did in fact get HSV from me. But he doesn't blame me - he finally said that it was his choice to take the chance. That he loved me and the H factor didn't matter.

The big news: We just got married September 27th on the beach on Cape Cod, with our families, and a few H friends who supported me through all of this.

Believe me when I say - life is not over people. Just your view on it.

Take care & good luck!

Lasmom & G'swife!

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