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Light night light day night light like day

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Here I am at nearly five in the morning, searching this site once again. A part of me hates coming on here, I prefer to deal with this sort of thing on my own. Somehow the reminder that so many other people share my same problem doesn't always make me feel better as much as it makes me feel like some part of a segregated group that should be shunned to a corner of the room where we're left with nothing but to socialize with one another. It is not common interest or genuine curiosity of one another that brings most of us here, but the venting, the release, the selfish pleasure that ironically led many of us here to begin with, a on that note I vent.

Every once in a while needing the release, or the curiosity sets in and I say something, and write about what I feel no one really gives a shit about. I've come to certain conclusions about what I have that I can't even share for the fear that I will weaken and lose the ground I've gained in learning how to cope. I'm on anti-depressants now...finally, or is it unfortunately....

My sister's been trying to get me on some since I was fourteen, and I did for a second at fifteen, but tried to kill myself with them, now here I am, eight years later taking the very pills that launched me into a violent seizure which nearly killed me at a stage where I was much more innocent than I am now, but in some ways more miserable and lost with life.

The Wellbutrin has been good....though most of my friends are against anti-depressants, seeing it as weakness, as I once did, I was so sick of feeling so entirely miserable and dependent upon someone who gave me this disease and yet somehow I still pined and begged for them to continue to love me and not leave me in my own pathetic way. I, succumbed to misery and morbid fantasies that cycled through my mind perpetually.

I feel a lot better lately. I've had a lot of energy (or rage) and have been exercising and eating a lot less (I'm not a skinny nor overweight girl). I often can't sleep until early hours in the morning, but I must fill every one of those hours with writing or reading or distraction to keep me from lying awake thinking of him....It'll fade soon. He'll fade soon, it's just a matter of time. So I wait, patiently.

I still do drugs...it gives me something to look forward to sometimes, and when I feel empty and can't get my mind off it and I'm out of school, done with hw, feeling like I should be doing something more productive like I always do (anxious jew guilt). Nothing serious, I don't think much of drinking, and I get stoned a lot less than I used to, but...weed sometimes, I've been snorting oc on occasion, I recently ran out of my acid and shrooms, and occasionally miss molly pays me a visit, though I make a point only to do that one maybe once, twice a year.

I guess there wasn't much of a point to this writing, but what else is this site for but for the feelings that accompany this...change in our lives. The visceral feelings consume me at times and I can't help but to realize that whether it be good, or bad or usually something in-between it will continue to subtly shape me now, and how I feel about dating and long term relationships in a new light at twenty-two, and who I will become.

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Good to vent now and then...

Glad the Wellbutrin is helping. I am against people taking meds as a quick unthinking answer to personal problems because often our pain is a red flag telling us about something we need to pay attention to. BUT if the meds help, I am all for them, and personally, I take two St. John's Wort capsules a day and find it really helps my mood. Do what you need to do to feel better.

I don't think anything is wrong with finding a community of people, in person or online, to support you with a particular problem. Herpes does carry a social stigma and that is an unfair burden for us herpes sufferers. I am glad I have this board to help me feel less alone. I also have many other friends, most of them don't have herpes and I have a variety of relationships in my life. I do not feel driven to come here but am glad to do so in order to gain more information and the sense of strength not feeling alone gives me.

It sounds like you have had a tough time in general and that herpes was the last thing you needed. Life is so unfair. I am sorry you have had to deal with this extra burden. As we all know here, it does get better with time.

I look forward to the day when a herpes vaccine is approved so that the social stigma will evaporate. When anyone can easily avoid catching herpes, it will not be such a big deal. Also, there are some new meds coming out in the next few years that will be able to stop outbreaks better than the meds we have now. Who knows, someday there may even be an actual cure.

Glad you are feeling generally better even if you do have those down times late at night, like many of us have had. You are not alone with this. PM me any time you feel like it if you think that might help.

Take care of your health, get some fresh air and exercise, listen to guided meditation tapes; they worked pretty well for this old hippie.

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  • The Hive is Thriving!

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