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Redguy

Am I a Jerk? Or is She?

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Redguy

Its my first post and I really have lots to talk about.

My ex-wife gave me GH "by accident". I am still very angry at her but lets not get into that. I am here to write about my relationship with my current wife whom I love very much.

We have been together 10 years married for 5. In all this time we really have not had any serious fights. And I know fights from my first marrage.

For this entire 10 years we have been using condoms to protect her and frankly I am sick of it. Am I a jerk?

She will not go on BC for all of these reasons I have never heard of like. "It makes me short of breath. I cant breath right." When her OBGYN made her go on the pill for other health reasons she still made us use condoms and came up with this breathing thing to go off. I think because I was preasuring her to stop using condoms.

I think even her Dr. even realized it was crazy because she put her on a heart monitor for a month when she said her breathing was bad on the pill to make sure her heart was OK. It all came back perfect.

She also has stories of this old roomate that got GH in college and was "in bed every month with and outbreak and COULDNT GET OUT OF BED!!!" "I dont want that to happen to me!!" I have never heard of GH that bad.

Dont get me wrong. I love my wife very much and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. But this is having a toll on our sex life and I am having a hard time facing my entire life sleeping with condoms.

We are not having children so that takes care of that. She could force this.

I just dont know if Im being unreasonable for asking the person Im going to spend the rest of my life with to risk this or if she is being unreasonable.

Help me get some perspective.

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Ultra Violet

I have to say, what's the problem with using condoms? Rather a small inconvenience. Is it worth your relationship?

I won't take the birth control pill as it makes me lethargic and breathless, put on weight, decreases my sex drive and makes me feel depressed.

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Redguy

Ultra Violet-

Thanks for the reply. I really had never heard of the pill making a woman breathless before. Good to know.

I dont think this is threatening our relationship but it is a problem. I am dedicated to my wife. She is the best friend I have ever had on earth and my life would be meaningless without her by my side. That being said.....

Perhaps I could deal with the condoms if it wasnt for all the other things that are effected in our sex life. Sorry to get graphic here but I think details need to be explained so you all understand.

She will not let me perform oral on her. She will with me but only with a condom and ONLY when asked. Its never a spontaneous event.

Sorry maybe I should have posted this under the Rants board.

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buttercup3721

Okay, I’m not trying to be mean…but I think you are in the wrong. I have GH and my boyfriend doesn’t. We don’t do oral. I will not let him get near kissing me down there…

I don’t want him to get this. I’m on the pill, I take my H meds, and we use condoms. Why on earth would you want her to risk getting what you have? I am one of those people that have regular outbreaks, even while on meds. And moving is hard. I would have never agreed to have sex without a condom if I knew my ex had this and was giving it to me. I was married and in what I thought was a committed relationship. I still ended up with an STD. I would not even had agreed to have sex with him had I known, more less sex without protection! I will not have sex without protection with the guy I’m dating now because I could not fathom doing to him what has been done to me. I hate knowing that he is still at some risk even now with condoms and I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself if his text come back that he has this some day.

Lay off her. She wants to keep herself safe. If you really love that deal with it. She doesn’t have to agree to sleep with you and put herself at any risk at all if she doesn’t want to. Be happy she is taking the risk she is.

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bennismama

I don't think anyone is in the wrong, I just ask you to question your motives for stopping condom use. Do you want her to do it as a way to prove her love to you? Like "if she really loved me, she would do anything to make me happy?" because this is one area where the thinking is backwards, the truth is - if you care about her deeply, you would want nothing you do to hurt her, that includes giving her GH.

Do you have hsv in your mouth as well, is that way she won't let you go down on her?

I, honestly, think that you should be practicing safe sexeven though you are committed, you still have something that can potentially hurt the woman you love. And it sounds like she's uptight about it because she doesn't really trust you to stay protected in order to keep her safe. Stop pressuring her, relax about it, and actually sit down and have a talk.

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NeedToKnow

Have you tried different types of condoms? Different sizes and stuff. Sometimes that can make a big difference in the feeling. Also, there are female condoms that fit inside the woman. I've never experiecned them so I'm not sure how that would feel or work.

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memyselfI

he gets it already

I can understand why you were questioning why your wife wants you to continue wearing condoms. It is a romance breaker and I think some might be a bit harsh because you wanted to bounce your opinion off of us to see if its logical thinking. I have never heard of woman getting breathless from bc although I have heard of weight gain and a decreased sex drive. So now you know. Back to ...gosh

i love this poem whether in relation to romantic relationships, marriage, friendships or just overall living... okay:

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;

that where there is hatred, I may bring love;

that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

that where there is error, I may bring truth;

that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

that where there is despair, I may bring hope;

that where there are shadows, I may bring light;

that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

to understand, than to be understood;

to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

Amen.

And with that Love you guys!! Peace out!

meme

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Morning

Condoms for life...

For this entire 10 years we have been using condoms to protect her and frankly I am sick of it. Am I a jerk?

Don't think you're a jerk for feeling like condoms take a toll on your sex life. Here's what I was thinking while reading this though-Have you two discussed the possibility of her getting HSV even with using condoms? How might she manage that? She is understandably skiddish about HSV and had a past experience of seeing her roommate suffer (whether it was to the extent she described is less relevant than her perception of how this condition can debilitate a person).

BTW, I know lots of females who experience birth control wreaking all kinds of havoc on them, whether it be shortness of breath, weight gain, skin blotches, hot flashes.

I can't help but feel like there are undertones that aren't being discussed. You imply that she may be exagerating her experience to avoid going on the pill to avoid condomless sex with you to avoid HSV. Sounds like you feel the risk of her getting HSV is less important than having what you perceive as a good sex life. I could be wrong but seems like the underlying sentiments need to be plainly put on the table and discussed instead of dancing around pills and condoms. Why would she feel she needs to exagerate to prove a point to you? Why do you talk in a minimizing minor if her health is of importance to you? Open discussion could lead you both to a solution; maybe more acceptance of your current sex life or deciding to change it. Keep us updated my friend.

Morning

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Redguy

Thank you all so much. This has given me much to think about. I appreciate all of your thoughts and perspectives.

I think it is true we do need to have a long heart to heart. Its funny how a couple can communicate on so many levels about so many things and avoid some things for so long.

Ok Ok I know this one is going to get me lots of grief. Lots and lots of grief. But here goes. There is so much stigma around GH. It is with us from the moment we are old enough to understand all the bad jokes....ooooo herpes.

But people...people...my gawd....its just a minor skin condition that flares up now and then.

So come on. Crucify me. Now Im the ultimate bad guy right. Maybe I just have a mild case but...... Why cant the world keep a little perspective.

I also feel as if I am being punished for being honest with her. For being a nice guy. There are complete strangers having unprotected sex and I cant sleep with my wife of 10 years!!!! At the beginning of our relationship I was honest and told her the truth to protect her. It been 10 years..... TEN YEARS!!!!! I know in my soul I will never be with anyone else for the rest of my life. If you knew us you would see that we are committed. This is not some girl I am just getting to know here.

So rip me apart for my honesty. Sorry but this is how I feel. Gotta get it out.

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bennismama

Well, like I said - You're not being a jerk. I just think you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

You don't really know how her body will respond to it, and obviously she doesn't want to get it. My husband got a very mild OB and never has had one again, mine was extremely severe and painfull. Inturn, I got 2 OB's in the first mnth of being diagnoised.

It's more about her feeling about GH rather than your own, and the kind of emotional hardship that will put on your relationship if she wants to be protected from it and you are intent on her proving her love by taking the risk.

I understand your feelings, you feel rejected in many ways because sex is not spontaneous, and, as you perceive, fully intimate. I definately think you should talk to her about the risks of getting GH even with condoms. And find time to educate her fully about it. Ultimately, you have to adhere to her boundaries because she will be bitter for a long time if she gets it and perceives that you weren't "careful enough".

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Shayna

I understand both sides. It sounds to me like something the two of you can work out (in time) with communication. Patience is not always easy to practice, but always worth while.

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buttercup3721
Thank you all so much. This has given me much to think about. I appreciate all of your thoughts and perspectives.

I think it is true we do need to have a long heart to heart. Its funny how a couple can communicate on so many levels about so many things and avoid some things for so long.

Ok Ok I know this one is going to get me lots of grief. Lots and lots of grief. But here goes. There is so much stigma around GH. It is with us from the moment we are old enough to understand all the bad jokes....ooooo herpes.

But people...people...my gawd....its just a minor skin condition that flares up now and then.

So come on. Crucify me. Now Im the ultimate bad guy right. Maybe I just have a mild case but...... Why cant the world keep a little perspective.

I also feel as if I am being punished for being honest with her. For being a nice guy. There are complete strangers having unprotected sex and I cant sleep with my wife of 10 years!!!! At the beginning of our relationship I was honest and told her the truth to protect her. It been 10 years..... TEN YEARS!!!!! I know in my soul I will never be with anyone else for the rest of my life. If you knew us you would see that we are committed. This is not some girl I am just getting to know here.

So rip me apart for my honesty. Sorry but this is how I feel. Gotta get it out.

okay, but you are having sex. what is the big deal with using a condom? that isn't punishment. i'm thrilled you don't have bad outbreaks, but what if she does. you are asking her to do that just so you can have sex without a condom? i would have never agreeded to have sex without one if i knew what would happen. it isnt a minor irritation for everyone and you don't know that it will be that for her. you said you still get to have sex, just deal with the condom; its better than nothing at all.

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Redguy

Buttercup-

LOL... I like the not so subtle quote at the bottom. So I guess that answers where you stand on the "Am I a Jerk or is she?" question. :) I can take it. Alway good to get a womans perspective.

Everyone-

Sorry about the rant before. Its just all bottled up folks.

We are very educated on the issue. When we first started having sex when we met I told her strait away. I gave her all sorts of education material and we watched "the video" together that I had gotten from my Dr. at the time. Im sure some of you may have experiecened the pain of not knowing if someone you care about and are starting a relationship with is going to break up with you over this issue. Thank God she didnt and we have had 10 wonderful and joy filled years. The happiest of both of our lives. So she is very educated on the issue and knows the risks of condom use.

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Redguy

Doesnt how I handled the situation at the beginning of our relationship get me any credit? In the non-jerk dept. Text book, by the letter honest. If everyone with GH handled there relationships and sex life as I did we would not have 20% of the population walking around with this little bug now would we.

So for those of you who think I dont respect my wife. I have respected her wishes and been honest from day one.

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buttercup3721
Doesnt how I handled the situation at the beginning of our relationship get me any credit? In the non-jerk dept. Text book, by the letter honest. If everyone with GH handled there relationships and sex life as I did we would not have 20% of the population walking around with this little bug now would we.

So for those of you who think I dont respect my wife. I have respected her wishes and been honest from day one.

oh, i don't think you are a jerk. i just think you need to remember that she can love you with all her heart and still want to use a condom. because while there are some risk when you use condoms, there are more if you don't. i would never ask my boyfriend to not wrap up, no matter how long we have been together. i did the right thing by telling him right after the first time he kissed me (i had also just found out and kind of broke down crying because i wasn't sure what i was doing and if i could ever date...). but me doing the right thing then doesn't mean i should want him to take that risk now. it is still up to him if he wants to or not, he is the one taking the risk and i could never ask him to do that...more less try to make or pressure him to, i just don't think that is right. and to be honest my outbreaks are so bad that i don't think i would let him not use one. he knows the risk and i'm greatful that he sleeps with me at all.

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catiesmom

I don't think you're being a jerk, but i don't think she is either. Personally, i think she has an irrational (although what she believes to be a justified) fear of herpes, and perhaps she needs medical/professional counselling. If she could understand - TRULY understand - that what her roommate had was excessive and her reaction, IF she doesn't already have it, will most likely not be the same, maybe she'd relax.

Also, have you considered getting snipped? That way she wouldn't need birth control. If you're both convinced you're done having kids, it's honestly the easiest way to do that. Birth control can be horrible for women (i'm one of them), but getting snipped is an easy, 30 min outpatient procedure that's as effective as condoms. Just an idea.

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Morning

There is so much stigma around GH. It is with us from the moment we are old enough to understand all the bad jokes....ooooo herpes.

But people...people...my gawd....its just a minor skin condition that flares up now and then.

So come on. Crucify me. Now Im the ultimate bad guy right. Maybe I just have a mild case but...... Why cant the world keep a little perspective.

I also feel as if I am being punished for being honest with her. For being a nice guy. There are complete strangers having unprotected sex and I cant sleep with my wife of 10 years!!!! At the beginning of our relationship I was honest and told her the truth to protect her. It been 10 years..... TEN YEARS!!!!!

I like the honesty. I was amused reading this, dunno if I should of been though. I'm a big advocate for perspective. You're right that when we look at this in perspective herpes is a skin condition that flares up. But it is a life changing skin condition because we now are the object of social stigma by having this virus and we now have to tell everyone we are intimate with about it. And while we have perspective because we unwittingly now have to, doesn't mean everyone else has perspective. Most of us were devastated when we first found out we had it. Why? It's just a little skin condition, right? Exactly, until you gain perspective, it is a huge deal. And I think you're right that you are being punished for doing the right thing of telling. That's one of the great ironies of life...lie about cheating and the person stays with you, tell 'em the truth and you get left. Mess up huh, that's life though...

Morning

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      Yes, just have sex wearing clothes and a condom, also don't kiss. No disclosure needed.
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      Have sex  with at least one of you wearing clothes + a condom  next time, if you really want to protect him.
    • 2kroc
      All negative, Except for hepatitis B which is something you're vaccinated (They give you antibodies) against in the military. Before, I go through the trouble of re cropping another damn picture for you. I'd like to ask what your response will be if I show you the results and they're all negative?
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      Universities receive most of their  funding from Pharma companies. Scientific studies aren't cheap, Pharmaceutical companies aren't going to fund research on food supplements when there's no pay off for them. It's naive to  think big businesses would fund research that'd directly decrease profit.  Then there's the possibility of the pharmaceutical companies bribing the government agencies from genuine health research, to keep themselves in business. https://thevaccinereaction.org/2018/04/big-pharma-pays-universities-for-most-medical-research-in-u-s-today/   Also, No one outside of the research community has the resources/contacts to prove they're cured. Even if they scored a negative on a western blot test/IGg, scrutinizers would just claim the virus was dormant or they never had it at all. Other than blood test, There is no easily accessible method to determine whether or not the virus is completely eradicated from your body.
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      @2kroc where are the results of the three preceding tests?
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