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littleone777

don't know what to do! need advice**

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littleone777

hey all im new here and im so desperate for answers .. so please help, any advice would be great.

here's my situation:

I am a female and I have been going out with this guy for 4 months now. He is only the second guy I've ever slept with. Before him I was with this guy for 3 years, neither of us had had any cold sores or any symptoms of herpes .. and we were both virgins. This new guy has slept with 12 women in the past and refuses to go get tested for anything because he's afraid of knowing the results.

About 3 weeks ago, I had my first outbreak to what the doctor assumed was genital herpes (hsv1 or hsv2 can't be determined yet). The doctor said the outbreak came from within 20 days of first coming into contact with the infection ... so all signs are pointing that I got it from my new boyfriend.

I know I can't talk to him about it .. he has no idea I'm infected now, and he's been out of town for the last month. He's one of those guys that will just get all embarrassed and say I didn't get it from him, so I would be the shameful one.

Now I know this sounds bad ... but my plans are to just not mention anything to him. We both have it now, right? If he were easier to talk to I would but he has a bad temper (i know im making him sound like a bad boyfriend but hes really not). If we're both infected, we can't really make the situation worse. Am I doing a very wrong thing?

What I've noticed on him ... one time I noticed what looked like a large healing blister on his upper right thigh (hsv2?). and one time I noticed a red mark on his upper lip (either a pimple or a small cold sore - hsv1?). I am almost 100% sure he is infected somehow, even if he doesn't know it.

I know this was long but please help!! any advice would be great I am so confused :( getting diagnosed with genital herpes is not easy to deal with in the beginning.

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MsLucy

Your assumption that you probably got it from your current friend is most likely correct. Seems to me though, that there's a serious communication problem between the two of you.

There are reasons he should know he has herpes other than just the fact that he probably gave it to you. If your relationship ends, and he starts to see other women, he could pass it on to them too.

One of the drawbacks of being an adult is that we have to (at some point) start taking responsibility for our actions. His refusal to be tested because he's "afraid of knowing" is childish, irresponsible, and completely selfish. Essentially, what it says about him is that he doesn't care whether he puts others at risk, as long as he can avoid the hassle of knowing he's a carrier. Sorry, but that makes him a total loser in my opinion.

Gather up all your nerve and tell him. And INSIST that he be tested for everything (herpes included... you have to ask for that test specifically) if he wants to continue the relationship with you. Maybe you already have it, and you don't think it's worth making waves over at this point, but if he doesn't have the backbone to face up to his responsiblities over this, what else is he going to leave you holding the bag for in the future? Or someone else somewhere down the line? If he's old enough to be having sex with numerous partners, he's old enough to be a man about the responsibility that comes with it.

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anna99

I know I can't talk to him about it .. He's one of those guys that will just get all embarrassed and say I didn't get it from him, so I would be the shameful one.

If he were easier to talk to I would but he has a bad temper (i know im making him sound like a bad boyfriend but hes really not).

Dear Littleone:

Not to be mean but your statements above do make him sound like a "bad boyfriend" (your words). As a survivor of domestic violence, withholding such an important conversation due to a "bad temper" is a big red flag. Denial and shaming you on his part is another. Not that you asked about that part of your post, but I felt compelled to comment. Good luck and know you are supported here.

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Luv2travel

trust yourself!

First you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you want to be with! Being able to talk openly with a partner is one of the most important things in a "GOOD" relationship. You need to inform him, just hear me out... so what if a few months or years down the line you two break up. Now you both have herpes, but you are the only one who can inform a new romantic interest (he will just keep spreading it). You may say well we will stay together, but what if you don't. Also don't you want to confront the person who infected you with an incurable disease? Don’t you wonder if he knew and did not tell you? The way you talked about him makes me think you should get away from this situation and maybe get back to yourself. This is just an idea. But if someone does not respect you enough to get tested….. They don’t respect you at all. As a person you deserve a basic level of respect and it sounds like you may not be getting it. I had a hard time when I first got diagnosed. I had protected sex one time with a man I dated for 4 months. He called me a liar, said it was not him, that I’m dirty….. But you know what I knew I got it from him and I did EVERTHING I could to prove it. When I had all my evidence I confronted him and you know what he said…. “I’m so sorry”. He knew the whole time but did not feel like he could tell me and by doing this he infected me! Now my life is better! I had to get back to loving myself, which I needed to do…. And maybe you do to! You will be ok I promise you! Everything you feel right now so many of us have felt at one time. I just don’t think this guy sounds like a good partner. If you can get naked and share your body with someone a conversation should be easy (just think about it) Keep your head up and know you will be ok!:)

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daisydew

I agree with the two above posts. I know it might be hard to see it, but your relationship with your boyfriend sounds really unhealthy. You should be able to openly communicate with your boyfriend and not be afraid of him losing his temper at you.

The fact that he doesn't want to get STDs is so immature and selfish. I don't want to freak you out, but I would seriously consider refraining from sex with him until he gets tested. There are more serious STDs than herpes that can be life threatening. He needs a full STD panel including herpes and HIV as soon as possible. You should get tested as well. It's recommended that sexually active adults get an STD check once a year. STDs like chlamydia and gonorrhea can have no symptoms and leave you unable to have children. Again, I don't want to scare you, but having sex can be risky business...especially with a partner who refuses to get tested after sleeping with 12 people.

I think you definitely need to tell your boyfriend. Frankly, if he can't handle you telling him about an STD that he most likely gave you, then you deserve to be with someone better. I didn't mean to go on so much about your relationship, but it really sounds like your boyfriend doesn't have much respect for you. You sound like a calm person with a good head on your shoulders and you deserve more than this. Speaking from experience, I was with 2 guys who I was afraid to set off because they had a bad temper. I've been where you are, and trust me it's so much better to be with someone that respects you and you can openly communicate with.

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NeedToKnow

I used to think people should get out of relationships that aren't great, but I realized that not everyone can find someone to have a good relationship with. Perhaps this is the best type of guy that is willing to be with her and she dosn't want to spend her life alone. So I don't think we should be so quick to judge.

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littleone777

you guys are all such great people, thank you.

theres just a lot on my mind .. so much that's scaring me. the town i live in now, i've been here for 20 years. people know me and word gets out quick. i don't even know how to approach this whole situation to him. he's coming home for christmas... i havent seen him in a month.. last thing i want to do it ruin our vacation time together. but i know it must be done, i just don't know how. i don't even know how to properly think right now .. my mind is everywhere.

i see so many posts of people being upset that they have herpes but their partners are so comforting ... if i knew 100% that my guy would be comforting i probably wouldn't even be worrying too much right now, cus you're in this together. i know herpes is hard on everyone, i just wish i was more fortunate with this situation.

and now im being all paranoid thinking i could have HIV. i've been checked for std's and done paps ... all good. but i was looking at the HIV rates and they are increasing dramatically ... and i read that people with herpes can attract HIV a lot faster than people who don't have herpes.

is this normal?? did you guys have paranoia when you first got diagnosed?

thanks again everybody, i really appreciate your help

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Ultra Violet
I used to think people should get out of relationships that aren't great, but I realized that not everyone can find someone to have a good relationship with. Perhaps this is the best type of guy that is willing to be with her and she dosn't want to spend her life alone. So I don't think we should be so quick to judge.

<rant mode on>

What the f*ck? I'm sorry???? I really don't get that comment at all. Someone should be with someone who:

a) puts his girlfriend at risk of contracting STDs because he doesn't want to know if he has an STD?

B) has his girlfriend afraid to tell him she may have contracted an STD from him because of his aforementioned irresponsible behaviour.

Man my blood is boiling!!!! NO ONE DESERVES TO CONTRACT THIS ILLNESS AND NO ONE DESERVES TO LIVE IN FEAR.

Get a grip! There are plenty of mature, decent adults out there...and we become mature, decent human beings because that is the expectation placed on us. If we all settle for less the human race will never evolve above selfesh, self interested individuals. GRRRRRR.

<end of rant>

Little one with the exception of need to know you have had very good advice in this thread. All I would add is to ask yourself why you were willing to put your wellbeing at risk? If you don't take care of you then you can't expect others to. We teach others how we wish to be treated. DON'T settle for less. He may rise to the occasion or he may sink. If he sinks then you'll find someone who is willing to treat you with the respect you are entitled to as a human being. Never doubt that!

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daisydew

Thank you UltraViolet!!

littleone, there are quite a few threads on here about people who are scared of their partners reactions to herpes. Sometimes the reactions are good, and sometimes they aren't so good. I like to think of it as a good indicator of what the person you're dating is like. Would you really want to be with someone who isn't mature enough to handle a situation like this? Personally, I think your boyfriend should be extremely apologetic to you because he is the one that put your health at risk by sleeping with 12 people and never getting tested for STDs.

My situation is similar to yours..my boyfriend had been with a lot of people (10+), and I had only been with 2. He got tested for STDs but didn't realize they don't usually test for herpes. I contracted it from him after 9 months of us dating. I immediately told him, and he's been nothing but apologetic and supportive. I wouldn't have accepted anything else, and I don't think you should either. It's up to you to decide what you're willing to do with your relationship though.

It is normal to be a little paranoid when you find out you have an STD. It can flip your world upside down, but it gets better with time. I think that you are more likely to get other STDs when you have herpes because it can create open sores on your genitals which allow other STDs in more easily...but I'm not 100% sure about that. Good for you for keeping up on your STD testing.

How is your initial outbreak doing? Are you feeling okay?

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littleone777

wow you guys actually make me feel so much better, thanks so much (again).

my outbreak seems to be done, but i have one little tiny white bump right inside the vagina that wont seem to disappear. im glad you ask tho because i have a question ... how do u know when your outbreak is officially done? its been 3 weeks for me. i had one large bump on my left side (almost touching the thigh) and it went away but theres still a little mark there ... does that mean its still there or is that just a scar?

also about my situation ... im thinking about telling him after my next outbreak, what do you guys think? that way maybe i can show him and ask him to come with me to the doctors. do you think thats a bad idea? if i could, id tell him right now .. i just need to feel 100% comfortable before i make any moves.

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MsLucy
I used to think people should get out of relationships that aren't great, but I realized that not everyone can find someone to have a good relationship with. Perhaps this is the best type of guy that is willing to be with her and she dosn't want to spend her life alone. So I don't think we should be so quick to judge.

NeedtoKnow... this is just wrong on sooooo many levels. Okay, I'll grant you, good relationships can be hard to find. Sometimes it takes patience, and a willingness to weed through a lot of losers before you find the one for you. That applies to both men and women.

Your statement that "Perhaps this is the best type of guy that is willing to be with her" is insulting, and so sad in its implication. It says so much more about you than it does about Littleone777. One can only assume that your self-esteem is so low that you believe you have to settle for whoever is willing to be with you.

No one (not even people with herpes) should feel the need to settle for someone who treats them with anything less than consideration, respect, and caring. The sad thing is, if we feel we deserve less, those are the people we attract... the users, the abusers, the manipulators. And we let them ruin our lives and make us miserable, because we actually believe that's preferable to being alone. It's not.

Being without a mate is nothing to be afraid of, nor ashamed of. It is by far preferable to live on your own until you find someone you can share a healthy relationship with, than settle for being with someone who makes you feel small, afraid, subserviant, or less than who you know can be.

We are all whole, complete people on our own. Sharing a good, healthy relationship with someone can enhance our lives tremendously, but it does not "makes us whole". If we can't achieve that on our own, being with another person won't do it for us. Just the opposite, actually, especially if we're with someone who drains our self-esteem by treating us with disregard.

Having herpes does not make you less of anything... not less attractive, not less deserving of love and respect, and not less of a person. If you believe it does, then I suggest you find some way to come to terms with it, and over come that low opinion of yourself. Counseling maybe. Whatever it takes. But don't think for one minute that you need to settle for anything, especially when it comes to something so important as relationships.

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anna99
No one (not even people with herpes) should feel the need to settle for someone who treats them with anything less than consideration, respect, and caring. The sad thing is, if we feel we deserve less, those are the people we attract... the users, the abusers, the manipulators. And we let them ruin our lives and make us miserable, because we actually believe that's preferable to being alone. It's not.

Writercll, this is an AWESOME post. Well said.

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regret

i think you need to become more aquainted with this virus and how it affects your body before saying anyhting//if you are not knowledgable about it he will not feel so comfortable..if he has questions you have to be able to answer with confidence...get used to the virus first, and how it affects your body and whne your having outbreaks,when its safe to have sex when your not having an outbreak....if you cant answer any of these questions then you need to give yourself more time until you do... with an outbreak they can leave scars..im guessing that is what your wondering??and your contagius a week before an outbreak and a week afterwards..

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Morning

This thread is great...great advice about many things. Littleone, my only addition is to consider telling him sooner than later because if he has it and isn't aware of how to take precautions, then that's just how this conditions gets passed on. Lets says he has oral HSV and is dismissing that spot on the corner of his lip as just a pimple. Then all the holiday smooches happen with family and friends this time of year could be passing on a whole lot more than holiday cheer. Just as he likely pass it to you, he could do the same to others, not knowing. I know you are mustering up the internal resources to deal with this so it's just another thought along with the many others already given. It's nice that you've sought and seem open to feedback. Good luck with this.

Morning

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NeedToKnow
NeedtoKnow... this is just wrong on sooooo many levels. Okay, I'll grant you, good relationships can be hard to find. Sometimes it takes patience, and a willingness to weed through a lot of losers before you find the one for you. That applies to both men and women.

Your statement that "Perhaps this is the best type of guy that is willing to be with her" is insulting, and so sad in its implication. It says so much more about you than it does about Littleone777. One can only assume that your self-esteem is so low that you believe you have to settle for whoever is willing to be with you.

No one (not even people with herpes) should feel the need to settle for someone who treats them with anything less than consideration, respect, and caring. The sad thing is, if we feel we deserve less, those are the people we attract... the users, the abusers, the manipulators. And we let them ruin our lives and make us miserable, because we actually believe that's preferable to being alone. It's not.

I apologize for being a little harsh. I've seen so many people stay in bad relationships that it makes me sick. It's a nice thought to think everyone can be with someone that's kind and caring, but the fact is there are men and women that aren't nice and don't have respect for others. Maybe with enough patience, most people can find someone right for them, but most people don't have that kind of patience.

Littleone777, I hope you choose to be one of the ones with the patience to weed through the less desirable men and find someone that treats you well. It's your choice. If you are afraid to communicate with him with this issue, then I'm sure there will be many other issues that you'll be afraid to talk to him about. Do you want that kind of relationship? Well, good luck with whatever you do.

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gotitsowhat

Comfortable

Telling someone you have herpes is never going to be comfortable, especially if you are telling someone who is not responsible enough to get tested and whose temper makes you feel intimidated. So give up on comfortable or on finding the perfect moment or perfect way of telling him.

Remember, HE is the one who should be on the defensive here. HE gave it to you. He has refused to get tested. You are the one who would be seen by most as the wronged party. The discomfort should come down harder on him. So don't feel you must be defensive about it. It is, quite simply, a health issue, not a moral issue, not anything complicated or even tragic. It's just information he needs to have about his health. State it calmly like the medical information it is, no more, no less.

You could say, "I need to tell you something about my health that also impacts your own health. I need to have you listen to me until I am done. It will take half a minute. Will you do that?" IF you have his assent, continue, "I have been diagnosed with genital herpes. It appears you were the one who transferred the infection to me. I know you did not mean to do this and I am not angry. But this is something you need to know about and I strongly recommend that you get tested. While you are at it, get a full screening. You owe it to yourself and to those with whom you come in contact. Not knowing about these things doesn't change reality. When you know the facts, you can deal with them better."

If he blows up at you, then listen to him vent until he falls silent; don't argue with him. Don't comment or defend yourself. Then repeat, "You need to get tested." Try that two or three times and then, if he is still venting at you, leave. Tell him you will talk to him again if he is calm and respectful to you.

You sound like a nice, kind smart responsible person and I agree with all the posts commenting on not letting someone behave in an irresponsible, disrespectful and/or abusive manner with you. If he does behave badly with you, it will not be YOU who ruined your vacation time together. Actually, if he blows up at you, you can always salvage your vacation time by spending it with other, more supportive people. Then he will have only ruined HIS vacation time, not yours.

Take care of yourself. And let us know how it's going. We're on your side.

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