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unfortunate situation that has messed me up..

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so the other night i inadvertently got into a situation in which i was being propositioned by an acquaintance who i have always found attractive. we were both a bit drunk and i'd agreed to go back to his house but i genuinely had no idea there was any kind of sexual premise (guess that was pretty naive, maybe).

anyway i had to stay there as i was too drunk to ride my bike home, i'd already said i couldnt kiss him but he seemed to still want sex, so then i had to say look i cant do anything you want. he asked why..yadda yadda so of course i had to tell him.

i'm thinking - should i have made up another excuse that wasnt herpes?! cos that would have been quite a reasonable thing to do. maybe i was drunk or maybe i panicked or both but i didnt have anything prepared so herpes just kinda spilled out of me like i was on truth serum. and that potentially may have ruined any chances i could have had of getting to know this person as im not sure we've spent enough time together for him to have any particular interest in me, although i do have an interest in him..

its really hard to work out...he didnt exactly throw me out of bed when i told him, some sexual affection still went on....and even in the morning we sort of cuddled and talked before i left, it wasnt Awkward Central or anything. i apologised and all he said was 'its ok'.


so since then (tuesday) until today i've pretty much been in a depression as bad as when i first found out i had this...feeling worthless and gross and like i cant have a normal life etc....wondering if it could have been the start of something.... its really about time i was moving on from the guy who gave me herpes a year ago. and interesting, attractive, single males aren't ten a penny round here (i'm very particular!)

so i decided/have been advised that i have to contact the guy somehow... ive drafted a message that basically explains my actions a little further/suggests that maybe we could still hang out....reasonable action?

i just want to know whether he had any actual interest in me or if i was just some vaguely attractive girl in his flat, and i guess this would be the question herpes or no herpes...but obviously if there was an interest the herpes thing may have killed it.

god damn he's like 26 anyway he probably fucking has it by now :p


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If you think he's now unsure about things because you told him too early, go into a longer term "friend mode" and see if serious feelings develop over time. If you guys really find something special between you, the H may no longer matter to him.

If he just wanted something casual with you, he simply might not want to risk it. You have to accept that.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You did the right thing by telling the truth. Maybe it was a bit early to mention it, but whatever, at least he sees that you are an honest person.

Good luck.

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Easy on the booze

Too much drink brings on fast intimacy, inability to navigate home and easy confession sessions. Not a good combination for a herpes situation. My advice on this for the future is to keep drinking moderate when you are getting to like a guy and think that a friendly relationship may be turning into something else. If you want to drink a lot, pick a situation where you are very unlikely to find yourself alone with a guy you like.

Rather than tell a guy you can't have sex with him because you have herpes, it might be better to let him know you have herpes and then let him make the decision about sex. If he is willing to take the chance, fine. If not, then let him know you consider him a friend and hope your friendship will continue. Assure him you will not press for the kind of intimacy he thinks would not be in his best interest. Tell him friends are valuable to you--we can all use more friends, right?

I am not sure when you tell someone matters as long as it is before sex, not after. For myself, if I ever get lucky enough to find a potential lover, I would expect to get to know the person for a while before telling. I would try for a relationship that is happy and trusting and then, if he didn't want to make it with me because of the herpes, I would respect that and hope we could keep the friendship going.

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thanks guys.

the thing is i really had no idea the situation was going that way, mostly because i never thought someone as attractive as him would give me a second look...reflective of my low confidence i guess.

its also hard having oral as well as genital cos i cant be all like kissy and then say it. cant even do that. well, i will be able to sometime when i stop feeling contagious all the time but right now i havent had it all that long and even though i never have prominent coldsores i feel it there, especially when ive been drinking (again with the booze). i was also having an outbreak so sex would have been out of the question, i wasnt just being cautious.

i've just about stopped being depressed about it but i'm worried as soon as i go back to where i live i'll be reminded of the whole thing...and the fact that i think i could really like this guy/am being pessimistic (if only to protect myself) about whether he could ever be interested in me now/ever was.

i'm hoping that for him, like me, there just aren't all that many interesting, attractive single people around, herpes or no herpes.

oh and i still havent contacted him yet :S can't quite decide what to say. but yes i'm going to try for friendship... see how that goes...i can but try. but i really dont handle rejection well.

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Here's the problem: See, i don't handle rejection well either. But what i HAVE learned is that this stressing/wondering/waiting/second-guessing you're doing is WAY worse than any rejection he could POSSIBLY offer. It takes balls, but i say you gotta talk to him, at least clear the air enough that he can be straightforward with you and tell you no, because until you've got an answer or something, you're just going to keep stressing like this, and you might just stress yourself into a worse outbreak!

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