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tRuleybLessed

I need HUGE support

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tRuleybLessed

so here's the story.....

been with my bf since august. told him i had herpes, he was fine with it. last week i went to the dr. for a checkup, found out i had hpv also. i told him what it was and everything about it.

he freaked and now he's calling it quits.

the thing is we already been talking about a future of marriage and babies and we were madly in love and crazy about each other.

The reason he gave for "dumping" me was that he didn't want to live with me only to watch me get sick with cancer, and not only that- he informed me that he didn't know he could catch herpes anytime. He thought it was only contagious during outbreaks, and now he's scared he has it. He works offshore and is due home tomorrow, so he wants to get tested asap. And he doesn't want to risk cathing it if he doesn't have it.

I told him about the HPV and that it can be caught early and taken care of before it could turn to cancer, but he won't listen.

Our perspectives are so different. I've already accepted and will learn to deal with my problems. I look at everday as a gift and having a positive outlook on every situation, but he is scared out of his mind and only sees bad things to come as a result of the stds.

I also told him I loved him so much that I would give anything to have him for as long as we are here on earth, and that if the situation were reversed, i wouldn't get scared and run like him. I would support him all the way and do whatever it took for us to be happy. I want to get married and have babies. I'm willing to risk my life to give him a child, bc with STDs it IS a big risk. That's how strong my love is. If we were already married and just found this out, I wouldn't have asked for a divorce and leave at the drop of a hat like he is doing now. I'm in this till the end. He literally is my prince I've been waiting for and the perfect man for me. His personality is beautiful, he is kind and generous and so sweet, and I don't know what I'm going to do without him.

I know this was long, but thanks for all who took time to read and reply!!

I'm a fighter and I'm not givning up on my hard-headed love of my life.

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Ultra Violet
I want to get married and have babies. I'm willing to risk my life to give him a child, bc with STDs it IS a big risk. .

Pardon? How is this risking your life?

That's how strong my love is. If we were already married and just found this out, I wouldn't have asked for a divorce and leave at the drop of a hat like he is doing now. I'm in this till the end. He literally is my prince I've been waiting for and the perfect man for me. His personality is beautiful, he is kind and generous and so sweet, and I don't know what I'm going to do without him.

Oh I'm such a cynic! I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. Are you sure it's the STDs or does he want out and this is an easy out?

How come he didn't know that he could catch HSV from you when you weren't having an outbreak? Did you know this? Did you tell him this?

Stay calm. Get all the information together while he's away so when he's back you know the facts. Try to stay objective and lay off the emotional blackmail "if it were me, I'd stay". You are not in his position so that argument is not really valid and only designed to make him feel bad. Let him vent and help him get all the facts. If he's the kind, generous and sweet man you think he is and he is truely madly in love with you then I'm sure that you two will work it out.

You will be fine, whatever the outcome. And despite my cynacism I and others are here for you if you need support.

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tRuleybLessed

Well we didn't exactly have a talk about what HPV was and what the risks were. When I told him he just said "oh yeah i know what that is" and that was it.

He knew i had obs once a month and knew to avoid doing anything during that time.

I feel horrible for not making sure he really knew. We haven't used any protection and now I feel guilty for allowing that to happen and for risking the person I love catching something from me.

As for having kids, I could get cervical cancer from the HPV and put me and the the baby in harm. I've done all the research on both the herpes and HPV.

I'm at high risk for developing cancer, and that's all he cares about. He sees no hope and no future having to constantly worry if I'm going to be ok.

He's told me in the past how much he loves me and would do anything in the world for me. I just don't see throwing all that away from being afraid of something that can be managed. I've read tons of people never pass it on to their partners being to together for long periods of time, but all he sees is "omg i don't want to risk it. Period."

I'm so heartbroken I've never felt this low and so sad. I already have two kids from another man, and they're the only thing that's keeping me from doing something really really stupid.

I was really looking forward to him being another great role model for my boys (2 and 4).

He loves my kids as much as if they were his own. He's not looking for an easy way out with this situation. He wanted to settle down and when we first met he told me he was about to give up on looking for that special person in his life (he's 32), and was so happy that he finally found me. We have our own place and he was just beginning to really get used to having someone that is willing to deal with his job, because it really does take a special person to stay with someone who is offshore for 28 days at a time. And I told him I would never give up on him, leave him, or take advantage of the money he makes (it's a lot).

.............hopeful

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gotitsowhat

Marriage involves a lot

When you agree to share your life with someone, you both agree to stick by each other and you assume that life will present some challenges, and that at times you or he may be ill or have problems. Just because you have a higher probability of contracting a disease he wants out? Doesn't make much sense. It sounds like he just wants out and is looking for an excuse. After all, sooner or later, if we live long enough and an accident doesn't kill us, we are going to get some kind of disease.

I agree with Ultra Violet. Don't use emotional/romantic blackmail, but give him the facts. Then let him make up his mind and be prepared to accept whatever he decides. If he decides you are not for him, believe me, he is not for you, either. When someone is busy rejecting us and we are saying that he is the perfect man, we are blinded by our own emotionalism and he is not perfect, at least not for us.

It's kind of like saying, "He's a wonderful guy except for one little thing--he doesn't want me." That's more than a little thing, it's part of who he is and how he wants to relate to you. Or not.

Give him the facts, give him a chance to think it over and then give him the right to decide without a lot of pressure. After all, he already knows you want him. Now he has to decide if he wants you.

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Morning

I'm really torn about posting here because I want to give you the hopeful feedback that can confirm how you feel. Yet I can't help but think of this situation from different angles.

Well we didn't exactly have a talk about what HPV was and what the risks were...

...We haven't used any protection and now I feel guilty for allowing that to happen and for risking the person I love catching something from me.

Seems that communication isn't as thorough between the two of you as it needs to be. I can totally relate (happens in my relationship too) because some things just don't seem to come up, right? But it should. If you two stay together, sounds like this is an issue to think about.

As for having kids, I could get cervical cancer from the HPV and put me and the the baby in harm...I'm at high risk for developing cancer, and that's all he cares about. He sees no hope and no future having to constantly worry if I'm going to be ok. He's told me in the past how much he loves me and would do anything in the world for me. I just don't see throwing all that away from being afraid of something that can be managed.

On the one hand you say your life could be at risk if you have a child for him. On the other hand you don't understand why he is so worried that you could die. So basically, 'I would die for you but don't worry about me dying.' Seems to me that it's legitimate for him to consider the future implications of your condition. Him choosing to leaving because of it is a different issue entirely.

I've read tons of people never pass it on to their partners being to together for long periods of time, but all he sees is "omg i don't want to risk it. Period."

Consider this, if you feel guilty already for not fully explaining to him that he could get HSV even during times when you don't have outbreaks, how would you feel if you do in fact give it to him? What if he has frequent outbreaks that are bothersome? What if he starts feeling resentment towards you about this? As much as you want to be with him, it's worth considering the realities of what you two could face.

I'm so heartbroken I've never felt this low and so sad. I already have two kids from another man, and they're the only thing that's keeping me from doing something really really stupid.

This worries me. Do you have supports in your life, people you can talk to who can empathize with how you feel? It can be really hard to feel this low.

I was really looking forward to him being another great role model for my boys

I wonder how much of your love for him and your desire to make this work is based on wanting him to be a role model for your kids?

There lots to consider in your situation. I have always found that when I feel like I have to convince someone (or myself) of how he feels about me, then that's a problem itself. If he loved you as deeply as you believe, then he will make choices accordingly without you having to convince him of anything. I really hope this turns out for the best, and by best I mean whats best for the both of you. Sometimes best is staying together and sometimes it's going your separate ways. Be well my friend.

Morning

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tRuleybLessed

i agree with all points of view

We both have our own little problems in dealing with different things life surprises us with. When I'm in a serious relationship, i agree with brainyblonde.....for better or worse, for richer or poorer. I treat that relationship as if we were married if we love each other that much. And we did, or do, whatever.

I also agree with not playing a blackmail emotional game. I didn't realize what I was doing......

I also agree with stop pushing him and let him gain his knowledge about the whole thing and whatever decision is made was for the best and meant to be.

Who knows...maybe there's my real prince out there somewhere. I'm only 24.

On the other hand he may settle down and realize he DOES want me in sickness or good health and on his OWN terms, not because I convinced him to.

I'm horrible at breakups. That's what I usually do is push too far and it justs pushes my partner farther away. He's torn between what he thinks is best for him and breaking my heart.

Yes I do have other support, but the support here is helping too. I tell my mom everything. She's got close friends she tells things to and they all agree he is wrong for making his decision so quickly instead of getting tested, getting facts, and letting it all sink in first.

Oh I also forgot to mention how he did it....he TEXTED me and said he doesn't want to do it anymore. He didn't wait to do it face to face. (Again, he works offshore, 28 days gone then 14 days home.....maybe the job is causing more stress on this whole situation????)

I'm having a hard time believing he was just looking for an excuse to get out.

Everything was perfect and normal until this subject came up.

I'm assuming he's trying to avoid seeing me cry, which will make it even harder for him to say goodbye.

Thank you all for responding. Don't know how I'd manage if I never had access to web!!! ;)

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tRuleybLessed

I also forgot to mention he's due home tomorrow. Where he's going to call home I don't know. The place we are renting he pays for all rent and utility expenses. I know he won't kick me out, because I barely make enough money to pay my own little bills I have. I really don't have anywhere to go. Mom's house is full. But anyway...

I don't know how that will work out. I don't want him to stay with me out of guilt because I have no where to go. I DO want it to be for his own reasons. And like I said....some people don't realize what they had till it's gone. But then again what if we were to stay together and he gets depressed and blames me. We would end up putting more effort into it than it's worth. He's a very caring person and loves his friends and family to death, and it's hard for him to deal with watching me, someone he deeply cares about, be sick or whatever. So maybe he wouldn't been able to handle a marriage anyway, because that's what it is. You deal with whatever you have to if u want it to work.

I also feel there's something more involved for him....both his mom and dad are dead, and he was close to both of them.

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tRuleybLessed

And maybe it would've made a difference somewhat if i had waited for him to come home and sit down calmly to have a real discussion about my news instead of sending it in a text. I was scared and looking for his support right away. Maybe that's why he tried to break up with me in text in return.

I feel as if I freaked him out, scared him off.

~feeling guilty~

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regret

i feel it is our responsibility to inform others before we become intimate, but some of the resposnsibility is up to them also..if they dont feel the need to check out hereps on thier own then i wouldnt feel guilty..but i do tell them everything i know..and as far as the hpv..it doent affect him too much other than he could get a few warts that can be burnt off, do youknow which type of hpv you have? do you have the type that causes cervical cancer? thier are 40 diffeent strains of it and thier are 3 if im right about the ones that cause cancer, if you dont know which type i wouldnt worry about it for now..until you know for sure..i have the same thing..i have been getting paps every 6 mo fo r the last 3yrs, i may just decide to get a hysterectomy so i dont have to deal with it anymore.. im done having kids so its not as much as a concern for me..if you have any questions feel free to message me...

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herpesharmony

Most people don't value relationships as much as they used to be valued. I know how bad you must feel,I've had many rejections in my life,not just from woman but from family I was abandoned when I was a kid etc. so I know how you feel. A person can only take so much but you have to do whatever you can to get through the day. I hope I'm making sense but someday you'll move on.

Maybe I shouldn't be giving advice. I know life is hard. I hope you feel better.

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ginnyp

I just have to post on the hsv/hpv thing. I also have both. I have hsv2 genital and high-risk hpv, which can cause cervical cancer. I've already had severe dysplasia which comes right before cancer, and had that surgically removed. I am still able to have children.

As far as having children causing your hpv to give you cancer, I have never heard of that, and I have done TONS of research on it. You can still have kids. HPV is a virus that your body will fight just like it fights HSV. If you have regular paps and exams by a GOOD gyne, then you should expect that any abnormalities will be detected BEFORE cancer occurs. It usually takes years before cancer occurs.

Many people get hpv, get abnormal paps, and then their body steps in and concurs it, and for the rest of your life you can have normal paps. Just having hpv does not mean you are going to get cancer. The percentage of people who do get cancer is actually small. Of course, you want to be careful, but having kids or having hpv does not mean you will get cancer if you continue to get screened.

Also, if you have active hpv and have been having sex with you bf, then he probably already has it. Or he could have one of the many strains that affect the genitals. At least 75% of people will get a form of genital hpv in their lifetime, some sites say almost all people in our age group will have some strain of hpv. For most people, they get no symptoms, and never find out they have it. For men, high-risk hpv is very minimal, as it rarely affects them at all, and mostly affect women.

You need to get all the fact about hpv down and let him know them, he probably is already infected with it. As for HSV, he needs to know the facts about it and that it can be spread at any time, but that it usually causes less problems for men, and in 80-90% of cases causes no problems. It is a manageable virus and getting it does not mean the end of life as we know it.

If he is truly bent on ending this, you might want to think about the fact that he is gone for so long, and maybe that is affecting him. Or maybe (just posting a theory) he has met someone where he is for that 28 days and he sees it as a better possibility.

Whatever the case may be, if he does not want to be with you, you have to respect that and move on, but you should also let him know these facts about hpv. HPV IS the most prevalent STD, and it is so common that even doctors don't think you need to tell your partner. I've heard it already from my own doctors. It's been around for thousands of years and in my age bracket everyone has some form of it.

Take care of yourself, if he has been okay with herpes and now can't deal with it, it's either because of this new info (which is shocking to people because they've never heard of it even though they may already have it) or that he's looking for a way out and this has manifested as a way out.

I have high-risk hpv, have had leep surgery, and although that has reduced my fertility some, I have been told I can still have children and it should not affect my health. I will have to be more careful to avoid pre-term births. But I haven't heard that having children can cause you to get cancer. Just keep getting your paps! And really, your bf probably has nothing to worry about, except for HSV.

HOpe thingsworkout,

Ginny

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Muchtolive4

You have been with your bf since August. It's a four month relationship, and it seems that for a time, at least, he's been off shore. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but you need to put this in perspective. We all like to believe in falling madly in love, soulmate for life, etc. etc., but four months is not that long to get to know someone, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. You are also only 24. I know having herpes and hpv is scary, but don't let it influence decisions that have life-long consequences, like wanting to settle down with this guy only because he said he initially accepted the h. You are young. You have a lifetime ahead of you. If for some reason, this relationship doesn't work out, know that next time, you will do a better job of informing your partner and that both of you together will go over the facts so there is no confusion or miscommunication. I just learned that lesson. A very hard lesson indeed, but it just makes us stronger people in the end.

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tRuleybLessed

thank you much to live

I agree with you. It was "too good to be true".

True colors have come out. He's giving me two weeks to find somewhere for me and my kids to go. That's the main reason why I'm so confused. That's so cruel. He knows I'm broke and no family to stay with, but I think I may have a friend to stay with till I get on my feet.

I couldn't care less, I would tell the whole world what I ahve, but he is highly embarrassed and for no reason, but he doesn't know that yet. He was also scared we couldn't have kids together.

I'm slowly gettin over the hill, movin on. I cry and get drunk many nights but who doesn't or hasn't?

My ex and I are speaking again, for the kids. He helps me financially and emotionally, and with the kids. He lives at his grmas.

Maybe this was just how it all was supposed to happen. My ex isn't scared of what I have. We were together for four years, and loves me way too much to let what I have get in the way. That means a lot.

Maybe one day I'll get on my feet and become a stronger person for it. We may have a future again but for now.....I have to get through my struggle.

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bennismama

So sorry it ended that way. It is a blessing in disguise, really, to see the strength of the relationship in tough times. I know it doesn't make it easier now, though. Good luck to you.

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tRuleybLessed

an update

well it's final....he finally talked to me face to face. Just said he couldn't handle waiting on that phone call that I have cancer or something. He said he still wants to remain friends, and I think I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all. We both still love each other so much....it's bittersweet.

But if he's not willing to take the risk and be with me then he's not the one for me.

Thanks again for all ur help everyone.

~HeaRtbRoken~

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curecomingverysoon

I'm sorry, that's just so bizarre... does he know how unlikely it is that you'll get cancer since you detected these cells so early on? And does he know that the odds are 96-99% that you won't pass it along to him?

I feel like this is a cope-out on his behalf (but maybe I'm just cynical). Then again in your early twenties, people tend to think that a new "love" will pop up every 6 months or so.

I'm really sorry to hear about all this... and a bit mad for you.

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Morning

But if he's not willing to take the risk and be with me then he's not the one for me.

People tell us everything we need to know, through their words coupled with their actions, or the lack thereof. I'm glad you have what you need to move on. And you already sound as though you are stronger from the lesson this experience taught you. Good luck to you and your children as you find your way.

Morning

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livingmylife

You are better off

I read your posts and just know that there are a ton of people with hsv and hpv. Most guys aren't really affected by hpv(unless its warts but you don't have that). So as far as relationships and kids you will be fine. Don't act like you have a death sentence. The right guy will come along. I know its hard(I am single) but you have to think positive.

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chooseyourbattles

His personality doesn't sound beautiful.

Hire a hit man.

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tRuleybLessed

hire a hitman...i like that......yes the truth hurts sometimes but i belive i learned my lesson this go round.

the guy obviously has some underlying issues that i didn't need. i am who i am and that's how it's gonna be.

it ended badly. big drama fest because my ex got involved.

anyway it;s finally all overwith as of today actually. he left to go offshore and was texting me about how i took some of his stuff when i moved out (which i didn't cuz i got my own sh*t and it wasn't like he doesn't make tons of money to go buy more of whatever i supposedly took).

i was gettin really annoyed about him harrassing me and told baby daddy because he is my close friend now. he got involved and the guys were wanting to fight so i looked both of them square in the eye and told them to STOP texting each other and leave each other alone and drop it.

SO......moving on.....my baby daddy and i are talking, maybe trying to fix what went wrong the 1st go round. we are somehow finding that old flame and the whole butterfly in the stomach thing.....

this time we're takin it slow. we share kids together and throughout each other's crap whether we were together or not we have still hung on to the fact that we have that connection and always will (in the positive sense).

he's 100 percent ok with the hpv and herpes. we were together two years already when i 1st found out.to me that's a real man. if that's what it takes to be with the one u love then f*ck it and deal with it, and that's what he's doin.

by the way i've been taking 2,000 mg of lysine every day for the last 3 months and not one breakout.....i used to get them once a month one week before my period. (no breakouts really takes the stress away from the sex life):rolleyes:

thanks all for comments and i can officially close the last chapter and say The End. :D

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OvercomerinC

hey truelyBlessed. I'd encourage you to look at yourself first. Your sense of personal worth comes from who you are (and yes the fact that God loves you), your experiences, your courage, your spirit - we all need to feel loved but don't think your life will end if he decides not to be with you. I'm sure you've faced challanges before, after all you have 2 kids. This is another one that needs to be addressed with prayor, patience, introspection, logical thinking. I want to remind you, you're not alone. Your Creator's with you. Do call on Him for strength, guidance.

I'll keep you in my prayors and let me know if you want to chat.

blessings..

overcomeinC.

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