I am guilty

[kandiiz]

I am writing because I need to get this off my chest and I am afraid I may hurt myself. I have had Herpes since I was a child. I think I was born with it. I have told most of my partners that I have herpes early in the relationship but my last relationship I told my partner and he accepted it. We dated for 10 months, talked about a future etc.. but then all of a sudden he said he contracted herpes and now he has been demoralized etc.... and how could I do this to him. I explained that I told him in the beginning and he had choices, but to him I am still at fault and he broke up with me. I am so tired of people ending relationships with me or using Herpes as an excuse to end relationships. About 4 months ago I started seeing this guy and I tried to tell him several times but could not bring myself to do it. I left him at my house one day while I was at work and he was being snoopy and got onto my computer which had a letter to my last boyfriend explaining the situation and another letter to someone in my past. When I got home that day, he brought up the letters and my relationships but not the fact that I had Herpes. We discussed everything in the letters and he was convinced that I lied to him about how emotonally involved I was with my ex. This was what he was arguing with me about all weeken, but never once brought up the herpes until 5 days later. From the 1st day of him reading the letter until the 5th day, he has been at my house everynight, the 5th day he got up and hugged me and left for work and then came by my offie 2 hours later to ask if I had something to tell him. I told him yes and I explained that I have Herpes. Of couse he called me whore, skank, etc... and now he has it. I was very irresponsible in not telling him, but I do not understand why he knew for 5 days and did not say anything but brought up everything else in the letters. He is very upset (undertandedly) but I kind of feel that maybe he had this before but did not say anything to me and now that he found the letter he is blaming it on me, because why would he not bring this up once he read the letters and this is so upsetting to him. I will not accuse him of having it because I do not know and I am feeling very guilty for not telling him and sad if I exposed him. I feel the worse I have ever felt in my life and I no longer want to live like this. Can you think of anything I can do to make him feel better. I do not know how it feels to contract this from someone who has not told me because I have always had it. He also keeps making threats that I am going to pay for this, not sure what he means but I think he has contacted a lawyer. Can he get me in trouble with the law or sue me? Please help, I am at my wits end.

[sad2bhere]

Kandiis,

First of all let me extend you a big warm hug and thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I know what it is like, to need the acceptance and the understanding, and being afraid you'll be criticized yet again, for either having herpes, or being afraid to tell someone about it.

I think that your friend is in a period of shock and feeling very erratic. He is going to need some time to calm down and come to grips that he may have contracted herpes from you. Has he had an outbreak, or been tested? He needs to get counseling or education in some way that let's him know, it is NOT the end of the world nor the end of his health or sex life having been exposed to herpes. But this is only after he stops freaking out and is ready to listen.

I think that sometimes our herpes makes us feel not as good as others and more accepting of bad behavior in our dating partners. Why in the world was he snooping on your computer in the first place? I am not saying it's right that you withheld the herpes info from him, but being called a skank and a whore and having someone go through your private things... not good. Would someone call you a skank and a whore if you got some other disease, like cancer for instance? Would you be a skank and a whore if you caught Lyme Disease?

Give him some time, I believe he will calm down but use the lessons from this experience well. You've got to begin to hang out with higher quality people who don't verbally abuse you... with or without herpes, you are better than that, kandiiz.

((((HUGS))))

s2bh

[kandiiz]

Thank You

Thank you for responding, I really appreciate your support. He came by my house yesterday and told me how humiliating it was at the hospital and how he was so sick of counselors telling him that everything is going to be alright. He stated that he doesn't deserve this and that I am going to pay for this. He said he went to a lawyer and he is going to get me in trouble and hopefully get me fired from my job. He was really hateful and cruel at my house. He keeps telling me that I go around sleeping with men and giving them Herpes, intentionally and then leaving. This is so untrue and his view of me is so wrong, but I cannot change the way he thinks. I really believe he is seeking revenge and will do whatever he can to ruin my life, because he feels I have ruined his. He also told me that the doctor told him that I am probably lying about how I contracted Herpes, so of course it is because I am a whore. I have never been around anyone so cruel and hateful. I fear that everything I have worked so hard for will be lost because of him. I have definitely learned from this experience. Thank you again.

[sad2bhere]

Well if he is really serious about doing all that then he is only going to embarass and humiliate himself in the process by acting like such an ass. He needs time to calm down, re-evaluate everything he has said, ...but in the meantime, stop letting him visit! At this time, when and if he is actually consulting attorneys, what if he copied the letters off your hard drive as evidence? And while it may not mean a dang thing to a judge, who knows, in his mental state, how he might use the letters? You need to stay away from him and at the most, encourage him to keep seeing professional counselors. If he threatens you, especially with anything physical, you already have grounds for obtaining a restraining order. You can tell him that because he talked to an attorney, and that you consulted one also, and that you were advised not to discuss anything further with him. Call his bluff. I bet you it's all smoke and mirrors. But just in case it isn't, be careful. You need to draw on that inner bitch that is in all of us and stop letting him treat you like a doormat.

When I went through something similar as you did, my friend did not turn on me and call me names, but he did refer to himself as a 'victim'. I told him that I did not like that word, and I did not agree with him. YES, I withheld some information, yes I made a huge mistake, but that didn't make him - or your friend - a VICTIM. NO ONE HELD A GUN TO HIS HEAD AND SAID 'HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX'. Every one of us, in every sexual encounter, whether we have an STD or not, make a personal choice and yes he had some responsibility in making his, too.

Because you are feeling guilty and meek right now, he is wiping his feet on you and saying words he will never be able to take fully back. Sometimes talking sternly to someone who is ranting and acting out while mentally stressed is the best thing you can do to snap them back to reality. I have some experience with this in a professional setting, but in my own home it would be a different matter. I worry for your safety. Do not EVER be afraid to call 911 if you feel your personal safety is at stake. If I were you, and he wanted to talk, I'd either say you are not able to discuss it right now (an advice of your lawyer, mental health counselor, or priest - whatever) or if you have to hear what he has to say - which is only making you feel worse by the way - then meet him in a diner or other populated public place.

Good luck and keep us posted, please?

s2bh

[kandiiz]

Thank you

Thank you so much. I am feeling a lot better after reading your advice and I will take it. I hope you realize the imprtance of your replies. I will keep you posted.

[fanou]

I remember from my Business Law class my teacher one day saying that STD fall under the category of Assault and Battery.

Why not check with a lawyer?

[grumpyinsomniac]

probably a moot issue

Thanks for your story. I was just diagnosed and am having a tough time wondering if i'll ever be able to date (or at least get laid) ever again. Your story is a good warning and something i'll keep in mind when my mind wanders towards allowing me to just hook up and not mention it.

[grumpyinsomniac]

probably a moot issue

Thanks for your story. I was just diagnosed and am having a tough time wondering if i'll ever be able to date (or at least get laid) ever again. Your story is a good warning and something i'll keep in mind when my mind wanders towards allowing me to just hook up and not mention it.

[rommel]

I hate to tell you this but your friend may really be able to sue you - I'm in the legal profession and could easily see a case being filed based on your situation. It is unlikely but possible. Don't speak to him anymore and if you are served with papers hire an attorney right away. Check to see if you have any insurance that might provide coverage for a "negligent" transmission of the condition- again unlikely but worth a shot.

[greeneyes]

Liability = proof

I don't want to sound heartless... I would like to sue whoever gave this to me, but frankly, I don't know exactly who it was... and they may not know either!

As for law suits, it's very hard to prove source of infection... unless he's basically never had sexual contact of any sort with anyone else. you may not even be the source. There is normally an incubation period. You should have told him, but we all know that sex is risky in this day and age - who hasn't heard of "safe sex"?

[Luanne]

You are correct that you can get sued for passing herpes on, however

to prove it in court is a whole other issue. The courts tend not to

get involved in personal intimacy matters and most times will not

hear the case. The idea being that BOTH parties have a duty to tell

and to ask beforehand. They will hear a case if the plaintiff can

prove that the defendant knew beforehand AND lied about not having

it! If the plaintiff did not ask beforehand then they bear 1/2 the

responsability and the courts most likely won't hear the case.

Here is an interesting article I found on the web. I wont post the

site becuase it if from a commercial site selling natural herpes

treatments. However the article is quite good.

***********************************************************

Herpes Lawsuits

For nearly anyone who has contracted the herpes virus from a

partner, one of the first things that may cross one's mind is to

take legal action and bring about a herpes lawsuit.

Before you go digging too deeply into a herpes lawsuit as

retaliation for deceptions you may have encountered, take several

facts into mind.

Were you properly tested for sexually transmitted diseases prior to

becoming intimate? If the answer is no, then it's unlikely you would

win a herpes lawsuit.

Is there absolute proof to support the fact that you have never had

a history of herpes symptoms; this includes cold sores and fever

blisters? If the answer is no, it is unlikely you would win a herpes

lawsuit.

Bringing a herpes lawsuit against your partner or former partner is

one of those things that we have all contemplated, but in today's

world, there just isn't enough proof to take into court that would

support proving beyond doubt that you contracted it from that

partners.

Were you a virgin prior to then intimacies with the partner you

believe gave you herpes? If the answer is no, it's likely you would

not have grounds for a herpes lawsuit.

There is strong scientific evidence to support the fact that a

person can have herpes for several years and never know they were

carrying the herpes virus. This is called asymptomatic. This is the

reason herpes is so wide spread.

Before you find yourself in the position of contemplating a herpes

lawsuit, gather all the information you need to know exactly what

your body may not be telling you. Because if the truth be known,

there are many people out there who would later consider bringing a

herpes lawsuit against someone, when in fact someone could have

brought a herpes lawsuit against them before.

Herpes lawsuits just don't make sense, but proper testing and STD

education and awareness do. Taking the responsible approach in any

relationship that may become intimate is really the most logical

approach.

[venus]

that guy is bulls**!

Yeah, suing someone over herpes is really lame. With the number of people infected, it's becoming more and more likely to contract the disease in a number of ways. Suing a person doesn't resolve anything for either party.

I have had herpes for a year. It was VERY difficult for me to accept it for a long time.It is still hard for me sometimes. But I am in a serious, long term, fulfilling relationship now, and my boyfriend is supportive and caring. I feel lucky to have met him. Eventually, you will meet someone who is understanding and intelligent enough to accept the reality of the situation and offer more support. Your ex is a real JERK. Obviously he feels devastated that he got a disease, but he can't justify treating you like crap.