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Flamenca

I am devasted, sexuality is fucked with, hopeless and angry

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Flamenca

I got herpes 3 months ago from a man who I was casually dating. I had the big STD talk with him first as I had been tested after every relationship. He assured me that he was fine but low and behold the FEVER and then the HELL of finding out about this.

I have lost all confidence when I walk down the streets I feel like I can't even look people in the eyes especially men. I used to think I was decent looking and enjoyed small flirtations but now i feel dirty and gross and like i will never be sexy or have sex again. BOOM that part of my life is over. Also compounding these feelings is the fact that I am 29 and it feels like all my friends are married or getting married and i am the stupid single idiot with herpes who is just fucked up. I ve lost faith in myself I want to kick that guy in the face and shoot his dog but it would not change this fact of living with this virus and basically feeling like I will never have sex again.

I want to ask for HELP but really I feel to helpless for that. I thought venting might be good but really for what? This can never change.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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curecomingverysoon

Your story is like mine... I asked, he basically said no, I wanted to use a condom, he persuaded me otherwise, and here we both are today. I am 9 months in -- it does get better, I promise.

I guess for me what works is knowing that never is a very long time. There are a lot of good thing coming down the pipeline! A few solid therapeutic vaccines are currently in clinical trials and there is an exciting development called helicase-protease inhibitors underway which should reduce the possibility of transmission even further, as well as cut way down on outbreaks -- possibly to the extent of eliminating outbreaks! We don't know yet though, it's just been in animal trials or human trials that haven't been publicized. So I personally have hope that one day in the near future I can explain calmly that I do have this condition but it's not transmissible. :)

The transmission odds are actually really low if you're proactive -- most people get HSV from people who are clueless that they're infected, we who have the virus and take precautions aren't the ones who pass it long. From a woman to a man, the transmission odds are 96% against while abstaining during outbreaks, 98% using condoms or antivirals and abstaining, and with condoms AND antivirals, the odds are 99% that you won't transmit.

It takes awhile to get used to that idea though -- I know I haven't yet. In the meantime, there are a lot of single men with HSV looking as well, the HSV dating sites are full of good people with stories just like ours. Know that you are not alone. 1 in 4 women has HSV-2 and 1 in 5 Americans overall but 90% of people have no idea so they're running around obliviously passing it around. Knowledge is power -- you know you have this virus and it will stop with you, you're not going to pass it along most likely.

This board is great, full of good people and great advice. Posting helps a lot. Good luck and stick around.

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Ultra Violet

It gets better! You are going through a natural grieving process. As with all grieving you need to make sure that you are working through the grief; feeling the pain, numbness etc and letting it pass through you. Don't hold on to unhelpful thoughts.

As someone once said on this site "you are much more than a tiny virus". Don't lose sight of that :)

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mayonaise

I know how you feel! I also got it from someone 3 months ago... who said she was clean... I thought in my mind, i'll be safe, i trust her. then wham! ghsv-1! I was really devastated. The first week felt like hell. I broke down many times. I thought my life was over. Nothing was worth living for anymore... I was afraid to even masturbate. Everything about my genitalia was 'dirty'. My sex drive was gone. I did not think I would ever have a relationship again. At first, I thought I was strong enough to forgive her for giving me herpes, but now I want to yell and scream at her about how miserable she made my life.

But it slowly got better. For myself, my sex drive kicked back in a week later. It has definitely been rough gaining confidence in myself.

You have to realize, just as I am doing now, you're still the same wonderful, sexy, beautiful person, both inside and out. You still have all the same qualities that you did before you got herpes. You still have the same laugh, the same eyes, the same smile; still the same thoughtful, caring person on the inside. You are still you!

People in the general public are very superficial about STDs and other maladies. However, if they get to know you, get to care about you, it will be a different response. We're all people, we have our strengths and flaws. Nobody is perfect.

Don't lose faith in yourself. You can still live a happy life. if anything, make herpes your renewed cause to make yourself happy. Just because you have herpes does not mean you should deprive yourself of the other things that make you happy. Pick up a new hobby, do something that really excites you. If you don't land a hubby, then travel the world with the money you save from not getting married. Just be sure to send "I wish you were here" cards. Remember that you won't die from herpes. It is simply going to be an annoyance, like bills and telemarketers.

Focus on the positive things. Do not dwell on the negative feelings or anger. Make sure that you do not harbor that anger either. Express it in a safe way (like venting to friends, forums, exercise, etc). Find something that you are really proud of yourself for, and think about it when you're feeling down. Fact check your thoughts. Thoughts of "i will never be sexy or have sex again" are barriers that you are placing on yourself. Is this really true? Your body has not physically changed, only your mental outlook on yourself.

I can do it. You can do it. We're all in this struggle together. Now go have fun :)

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Stellamala

First of all, thank you so much to the previous three support posts. This forum truly is a wonderful site to share experiences & gain knowledge & receive support.

Flamenca, I also totally understand how you feel. I have only ever had 3 sexual partners in my life (two long-term monogamous including the rship I'm in now) & one silly one-nighter. I am also 29yrs old. I was diagnosed with HSV-1 on the genitals last year & since then, I have also been battling with the 'not feeling sexy' anymore & how 'dare I look a sexy guy in the face - what the hell would he think if he knew I had herpes'.......

Anytime I experience an OB, I fly off the handle at my current bf of almost 3yrs - I blame him for passing it onto me...even though I know in the back of my mind I could very well have contracted it from one of the other two I'd been with. You just feel like sending out one big hugh emotional tirade hey? It really does suck. But as the other support members keep saying - it does ease with time. The OB's do subside in their intesity over time & there are exciting new trials by the sound of it which should lift our hopes :)

We are really so much better for knowing that we have the virus so that we can learn how to manage it & reduce shedding & inform potential partners of the need to take as many precautions as is humanly possible.

Feel free to PM anybody on the board. We are all in the same boat & all here to listen & support each other.

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cupcake81

Like everyone else, I completely identify with your story. I contracted GHSV1 it from my then boyfriend whom had facial HSV1, but never had an outbreak while dating. We had the talk, but he failed to mention the cold sores. I had been tested several months before dating and had never tested positive for anything. I felt so horrible about myself. I felt like if anyone knew I would totally be outcasted and I felt like I was wearing the Scarlet letter and people could tell. He was supportive at first, but that slowly dissipated and it became my problem. He would tell me "not to think about and I won't feel bad" and that "it's not like it is AIDS and a death sentence." He made me feel worse about it. Logically, I know the sky isn't going to fall down. However, I have been depressed since I was diagnosed 8 months ago because of both having this virus and how he filled my head with empty promises and never followed through, as well as trivializing me & the situation. I have so much hurt and anger towards him. Like you, I feel like I got fucked for his lack of responsibility and accountability. I am 27, watching my friends getting married and having babies. I feel like a monster. I always thought I would get married and have children, but within an instant that could be gone. Sorry, I am going on my own self pity rant, but I really feel exactly how you feel. Sometimes I get the urge to do something mean to him so he would feel as bad as I do, but then I realize that would be only a moment I would feel better. Also, that karma is a ****** and it will come back to me. You'll feel better with time. I have. Honestly, I still don't feel great about myself, but I feel like the worse is over.

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liedto

I have to say that is exactly how I feel too cupcake81, it is like every sentence (well, except the boyfriend bit) you wrote felt like someone was reading my mind.

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lifesstillgood

Flameca, you are justified in how you feel. It totally sucks. You will get through this though. You didnt f*** up. Millions of people have this virus. It is very possible that he really didnt think he had the virus. I have been in a LTR for 10 years with someone who had no idea he had hsv2. Hang in there it does get better.

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gotitsowhat

We know how you feel

I, too, caught herpes from a dishonest boyfriend. It was heartbreaking.

Hitting him in the face...? Hmmmmm...has some possibilities. But leave the dog alone, OK? It's not the dog's fault!

I am 63. I have never been married. It doesn't bother me at all. When I was your age, I watched all my friends get married, too. I sighed a little. I love being single but I did envy their stability and the love I thought they were getting and giving.

Here is the prospective of an older, single lady:

First, you watch all of your friends get married.

Then you watch all of your friends have children.

Then you watch all of your friends get stressed and tired and overweight.

Then you watch all of your friends get divorced. Then you watch all of your friends as single divorced people suffering through the dating scene and trying to raise kids who become teenagers.

Then you watch all of their teenagers stop talking to them and scorning all of their advice and coming to you because you are single and adventurous and hip and, best of all, NOT their parents! Then you watch all of your friends hate you because all of their teenage kids are coming to you for advice and listening and treating you, the single lady, as if you were God and not listening to anything their parents say...

Then you watch their teen kids grow up and get over the idea that you, the single lady, are God (sigh) and get closer to their parents again as they grow up and go off to college and get married. And all your friends forgive you and start liking you again...

Then you watch your friends get remarried. After that, most of them are happy but some of them get divorced again a few years later.

Then you watch your friends kids get married and get divorced. Then you watch your friends' kids remarry and most of them are happy but some of them get divorced after a while and head into their third marriage as do some of your friends.

Then, as you head into old age, your friends grandchildren go into their teens and THEY start thinking you, the eternal bachlorette single lady, are God. And some of your friends kids still like you even though their kids are teenagers and think you are God because they remember that they used to think so, too and so they know their kids will get over it.

I just couldn't help but respond with the whole lifetime scenario. Believe me, when you take the long view, watching all of your friends get married and have babies will not make you any kind of a loser even if you go on being single.

And, anyway, herpes or not, you will most likely find someone to marry yourself. Herpes has not stopped a lot of people on this board from finding love or getting married. You can have sex again. You can find love. It's just one little virus and it has not stopped many people on this board from having good fulfilling love lives.

Being single and 29 doesn't make you a rejectee or a loser. Wait around for a few years and then listen to how much your married friends envy your freedom and independence. Or get bold and start dating, even if you have to go to a herpes dating site at first.

After all, you have to get some kind of experience of dealing proactively with this herpes thing. That way you will feel strong and brave and wise when your friends kids get into their teens and starting thinking you are God and coming to you for advice.

29 is YOUNG!!!! Take it from an old chick. Decide to enjoy life. If you can't picture yourself doing that, then think of it as an experiment--decide to enjoy life and date as if you did not have herpes for one year. Decide that the only time you will even think about it at all is when you have an outbreak and have to treat it and/or when you are about to have sex and have to disclose it. Find things to enjoy and guys to date. Put herpes in its place in your life--a minor place, just one little viral condition--and get on with it.

I know all of this is not easy but try practicing a happier approach and see if it helps. It just might.

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SkiMan
I got herpes 3 months ago from a man who I was casually dating. I had the big STD talk with him first as I had been tested after every relationship. He assured me that he was fine but low and behold the FEVER and then the HELL of finding out about this.

I have lost all confidence when I walk down the streets I feel like I can't even look people in the eyes especially men. I used to think I was decent looking and enjoyed small flirtations but now i feel dirty and gross and like i will never be sexy or have sex again. BOOM that part of my life is over. Also compounding these feelings is the fact that I am 29 and it feels like all my friends are married or getting married and i am the stupid single idiot with herpes who is just fucked up. I ve lost faith in myself I want to kick that guy in the face and shoot his dog but it would not change this fact of living with this virus and basically feeling like I will never have sex again.

I want to ask for HELP but really I feel to helpless for that. I thought venting might be good but really for what? This can never change.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

We feel your pain. Trust me. HSV knocks the crap out of your confidence. You will gain it again but it is not easy. Somehow you have to get it through your head that this virus will not define you. You must remmeber who you are and what makes you a great person. The virus is just a nuisance, a skin condition...nothing more. That doesn't mean you can go out and have sexy time with anyone...but the virus doesn't have to impead your life. It is what it is. You are what you are.

Remember, it beats the hell out of getting killed in an auto accident or dying of cancer. I know that is a terrible analogy...but it could always be worse. In the grand scheme of things, most of us are crying over spilled milk.

It ain't no thang.

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polka_dot

I got herpes 2 years ago, and believe me at 18 that was a shock and i cried myself to sleep every night guaranteed. But, it does get alot easier, and you stop thinking that every person who looks at you knows you have herpes, because they don't and its not even a secret as millions of people have this and we are not alone. I hate the guy who gave me it too, but he didnt realise as it was orally and even though i had to face him most days at Uni, i can actually look at him now and forgive him. Things will get easier, and its a natural process to hate yourself and have alot of regret about the situation. Long term, you will meet someone who respects you for telling them and being honest. I promise herpes doesn't ruin your life, it only does so if you let it :)

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polka_dot

p.s You WILL have sex again!! I have sex all the time, and even when i was single, I was just cautious. Dont beat yourself up. You'll feel sexy again in no time.

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    • 2kroc
      Yes, just have sex wearing clothes and a condom, also don't kiss. No disclosure needed.
    • 2kroc
      Have sex  with at least one of you wearing clothes + a condom  next time, if you really want to protect him.
    • 2kroc
      All negative, Except for hepatitis B which is something you're vaccinated (They give you antibodies) against in the military. Before, I go through the trouble of re cropping another damn picture for you. I'd like to ask what your response will be if I show you the results and they're all negative?
    • 2kroc
      Universities receive most of their  funding from Pharma companies. Scientific studies aren't cheap, Pharmaceutical companies aren't going to fund research on food supplements when there's no pay off for them. It's naive to  think big businesses would fund research that'd directly decrease profit.  Then there's the possibility of the pharmaceutical companies bribing the government agencies from genuine health research, to keep themselves in business. https://thevaccinereaction.org/2018/04/big-pharma-pays-universities-for-most-medical-research-in-u-s-today/   Also, No one outside of the research community has the resources/contacts to prove they're cured. Even if they scored a negative on a western blot test/IGg, scrutinizers would just claim the virus was dormant or they never had it at all. Other than blood test, There is no easily accessible method to determine whether or not the virus is completely eradicated from your body.
    • WilsoInAus
      @2kroc where are the results of the three preceding tests?
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