I feel like I'm dying

[rnmichelle]

oh god; I just got off the phone with my gyn's office and found out the culture they did earlier this week is positive. I haven't always been the smartest girl sexually but I haven't even been with anyone in over 4 months. I had 1 pimply looking thing that I wasn;t sure what it was but it hurt so I made an appointment. I've never had anything like this befire so apparently it's been dormant in me for a while - months? years? I can't even be angry at whoever gave it to me because I don't know, and besides it is my own fault for using poor judgement. I can;t even wrap my mind around this - I don'e know how to deal with this stigma I have to bear the rest of my life. I feel like I'm going to be sick. Basically everything in my life has beed going so well: I'm finishing my bachelor's, I've been exercising regularly, I've stopped the "friend with benefits" sex I'd been having (over 4 months ago), and now I feel like I've lost the will to live. I can't imagine getting up off the couch to exercise...I'm afraid this diagnosis is going to derail my entire life. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to think about this, I feel filthy and am disgusted with myself. I can't even believe I'm here, but I had to "say" this to someone. Is there anything encouraging out there? Anyone have anything good to say?

[summertime2004]

First of all your not going to die and you still have everything going for you. This is only a virus. It will not kill you. Yes now you need to continue being responsible and not patacipating in casual sex. I know how you feel and I'm sure does everyone else on this site. In the beginning you have a million and one questions.........emotions and anger. Seek a good counselor and talk about it. Get all the information you can on it.

Just remember you are still the same person you were before.

I have been using valtrex the last couple outbreaks. Works great for me!

Take care and smile! It could of been HIV!

[rnmichelle]

Thanks for your response; I know I'm not going to "die," I just feel like I'm dying on the inside (devastated).

I've started with the vitamins/garlic regime and will purchase lusine in the next few days...plus will speak with doc on Mon re: prescription rx.

I told my most recent partner yesterday. He's the only guy I've slept with in over 2 years, although we weren't a boyfriend/girlfirend thing...more like friends w/ benefits. I haven't even slept with him in over 4 months so I don't know from who or when I got this...from him? did I expose him? etc, etc. Anyways I told him and he thanked me for my honesty and said he'd see a doctor; he told me he's never had any symptoms or anything but I told him ppl could be asymptomatic carriers (as apparantly I was). I also begged him for his own safety to be careful in the future.

I just feel so bad about myself. Yet I know that thoughts like that are negative and stress-producing, which perpetuates this whole thing. The more I stress, the worse it can make it, but how do I deal with this? I work full-time and go to school full-time, how can I not have stress? I'm calling to make a massage appt at my earliest convenience. I think I'm going back and forth between denial, crying, and an "I'll deal with it" attitude. I've only been diagnosed 2 days ago and it's all I can think about.

Thanks everyone for listening.

[confusedchicagobguy]

Dont worry be happy!

You have a disease that is only usally painful when you worry about it too much, I got the big H a few months ago. I have only been with a couple of girls and managed to get it. It is more of a "blessing then a disease" it will help you focus on the real part of a relationship, trust! Worrying is like a rocking chair, it is something to to do, but it will get you no where. Just think of the statistics , it is beleived to be 1 in 6 has the H. That means statistically the chances of you meeting a compatiable person that has it are very good! Maybe even on this website? With much love in sincerety, confusedchicagoguy

[veryunhappy]

I understand...

I was diagnosed almost one year ago. I still feel as you do...disgusted with myself. I've not been on a date since. What really gets me, is that the guy KNEW he had it, and didn't bother to tell me. What also kills me, is that I didn't even get angry at him, because I felt SO ALONE and needed him with me to get me through it. As it turned out, this 'need' was too intense for him, as he "wanted to take things slower than that" and he bailed on me. Can you believe that? Just last week, after an ENTIRE YEAR, I finally rang him and told him what I thought of him. Thought it would make me feel a bit better, but it did not.

Anyways, guess I'm not helping your situation am I? I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in the way you feel. My outbreaks are few and far between and relatively mild...but the STIGMA is the hard part...

Good luck to you.

[rnmichelle]

Thanks confusedchicagobguy and veryunhappy for your responses. Today it's been a whole whopping week since I got the bad news. Unbelievably, I feel quite a bit better about it, not happy by any means or anything...but what can I do to change my current circumstance? Exactly, nothing. So I have to accept is as baseline and try to manage and minimize.

I'm not exactly hopeful about a dating future...I haven't dated in 3 years as it is due to lack of prospects and pickiness and putting school first...it's only going to be harder now having to factor H in. And unfortunately as far as stress goes, I really couldn't be under more: I work full -time and have 4 classes this semester. So stressing about this diagnosis is only going to make it worse. I know that worrying and stressing are counterproductive with most anything, including H. The stigma sucks beyond belief...I've told my most recent 2 partners, which spans back 4 years and I was totally ok talking to them, and they were both great about it. However, I cannot imagine how hard it would be to tell someone I was hoping for a future with, of course this is contingent upon me ever dating again. It makes me feel like a leper or something.

I've started Valtrex and my first outbreak(s) - I had one lesion, then the next week got another - does that count as 1 or 2? I started the valtrex after the 2nd one appeared. It seems mild, and I hope it stays that way. My body obviously fought the virus for an undetermined amount of time before this outbreak, so I hope it can continue to, and that this only happened because of my stressful schedule.

I'm glad I found this site, that's for sure.

[Palomita]

I was going to say, the fact that you didn't have an incapacitating initial outbreak may mean that your body is a real H-fighter! And you're smart, you're young, you're a hard worker, and you've got your whole future ahead of you. Also, it sounds like you've already started to try to looking on the bright side, which I think is one of the most important skills to have, period!

I echo what many others have said. This virus makes you look at prospects differently. I may have continued wasting my time with men I didn't REALLY have full confidence in until I was faced with idea of having to have "the talk" before sex. As a result I got to know many men in light dating, learned to get taken out, treated like a lady, and to politely move on if it didn't seem like a match. I learned more in the past 4 years about what it is in a man that lights me up inside and makes me willing to be vulnerable. It's not the bad boy, it's not stuff, it's substance and character. It's not how slick he is, it's the way I perceive he would react to real life stuff, like the talk. And I realized that having to regard a man in this light also helps me consider how he might react to regrettable circumstances in the future. Like if our fitire child or one of our parents is sick, losing a job, etc.

Because I had kept it light, I was free to pursue a man I met who intrigued me. He's nothing like I would have expected, yet I knew it was "him" when I met him. When it came time for the talk, he accepted me lovingly, warts and all as they say. It's been almost a year, and every day I get to know him better, I am touched and amazed that someone so wonderful was out there for me. And it's not lost on me that I might have missed him if I hadn't had this experience with HSV.

I hope you take time to be good to yourself with your busy schedule. I am finishing school right now, too - a string of 22-unit quarters, self employed with sporadically highly demanding clients, it can be rough. I don't know about you, I can't wait to be out from under the burden of courses and focus on important stuff like pampering myself and my boyfriend! It's doctor's orders, after all...they say the virus thrives on stress! Palomita

[cindylouwho]

Welcome Michelle, I'd just like to say that although it may not seem like it now, this really can be a blessing in disguise. I have had a similar experience to Palomita, in that I now take dating much slower and really consider the character of the guys I'm going out with. Having herpes has really helped me straighten out my priorities. I did take quite a bit of time off from dating, and took that time to take care of myself and really figure out what I want out of life. And when I started dating again, I felt okay that if they didn't accept me after "the talk", I was okay with that because I had already proven to myself that I could take care of myself, and that I had already accepted myself. We have to accept and deal with this ourselves before expecting someone else to accept it, and I believe that once we are ok with it, everything else just falls into place. But I certainly understand the rollercoaster you are on right now, just know that it will be OK. It sounds like you really have a lot going for you, this will just be a friendly little... reminder of when you need to take better care of yourself. As far as your fear of dating... Hon, if he freaks out on you after telling, he doesn't deserve to be with you.