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speaktru

the talk is making me stressed out....

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speaktru

Last night i went out on a second date w/ the guy that i recently met. but at the end of the night i had a MAJOR panic attack.. it got so bad i almost started vomitting in my car when i left.... the first date he did not touch me (hold my hand etc) or anything... but last night he started to get a little touchy feely and started getting really close to me like he wanted to kiss me and all i could think about was my HSV. i think i couldnt even concentrate on what he was saying. he asked me if i wanted to spend new year's eve with him and i said no and ended up leaving a little after that. cuz i know what new year's eve involves at midnight. i think its waaaay too early to inform him of my hsv1&2 status... is it too early???? he seems like hes really into me i can tell..... i just dont want him to kiss me and then he gets an ob i will feel so guilty inside... am i over reacting??? im trying to move forward w/ my life but i would rather stay single and alone than go through a panic attack and have to worry about this. i dont know if its worth it. i'm also not over my exbf... but i figure... to moving forward involves dating other guys... i gotta start somewhere.. everything just feels so WRONG...... is dating suppose to be this hard?!....

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Ultra Violet

oh you poor thing! Why not start by asking him if he's ever had a coldsore? Hopefully he will have :) if not you could explain that you get them and explain about that and see how he reacts.

BTW are you into him? Or are you nervous because you are worried about rejection?

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speaktru
oh you poor thing! Why not start by asking him if he's ever had a coldsore? Hopefully he will have :) if not you could explain that you get them and explain about that and see how he reacts.

BTW are you into him? Or are you nervous because you are worried about rejection?

Well the thing is i've NEVER gotten a coldsore or had an ob on my mouth... i only tested positive for hsv1 and then i tested negative also :confused:..... thus i dont know what to do. yes i'm afraid of rejection.. i've never had to tell someone before that i had these viruses. i want to be responsible and not put anyone at risk. do you think its too early to bring this stuff up? i avoided spending new year's eve w/ him b/c of this! i really want to get to know him. i'm just scared. but i feel i need to do this to move on w/ my life. hes a really great guy .. i just want him to get to know me first w/ out all this physical contact.

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gotitsowhat

Try this...

and don't miss out on a good time because you are afraid of having to be honest about your health. MOST people (about 80%) have had cold sores so that is not a big deal. Cold sores do not carry the same social stigma as GH so telling a guy about cold sores is not such a worry. Tell him, "I have the virus that causes cold sores. About 80% of everybody has had a cold sore, I understand, so it's not a big deal, but I just thought I ought to let you know."

As for the hsv2 GH thing...."Before we get any more intimate, I think I need to tell you something about my personal health. I have the hsv2 virus. If we used protection, your chances of catching it would not be much but there would still be a chance so I thought I'd better let you know about it."

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speaktru
and don't miss out on a good time because you are afraid of having to be honest about your health. MOST people (about 80%) have had cold sores so that is not a big deal. Cold sores do not carry the same social stigma as GH so telling a guy about cold sores is not such a worry. Tell him, "I have the virus that causes cold sores. About 80% of everybody has had a cold sore, I understand, so it's not a big deal, but I just thought I ought to let you know."

As for the hsv2 GH thing...."Before we get any more intimate, I think I need to tell you something about my personal health. I have the hsv2 virus. If we used protection, your chances of catching it would not be much but there would still be a chance so I thought I'd better let you know about it."

I think that is a good way to start out w/ the cold sores talk.... i saw him for a third time this week and before i could even say anything he attempted to kiss me and i pulled away. i think i hurt his feelings. i felt so bad. i told him that i needed to take things very SLOW and that i have alot of emotional baggage and if he didnt want to do things that way then i understand. he said he was fine w/ it :: surprised::: so i am happy. i really want him to get to know me w/out all the physical stuff first before i decide to have the talk. i need to feel comfortable w/ him before i divulge all this personal information. i'm going back up to school on monday so i wont be seeing him anymore. but i think i made a good decision. what do you think?

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gotitsowhat

Sounds like a real good guy...

I think that is a good way to start out w/ the cold sores talk.... i saw him for a third time this week and before i could even say anything he attempted to kiss me and i pulled away. i think i hurt his feelings. i felt so bad. i told him that i needed to take things very SLOW and that i have alot of emotional baggage and if he didnt want to do things that way then i understand. he said he was fine w/ it :: surprised::: so i am happy. i really want him to get to know me w/out all the physical stuff first before i decide to have the talk. i need to feel comfortable w/ him before i divulge all this personal information. i'm going back up to school on monday so i wont be seeing him anymore. but i think i made a good decision. what do you think?

Personally, I would be far more put off by someone who told me about "emotional baggage" than I would about someone who told me about a physical disease. He sounds extremely tolerant and compassionate. Anyway, you are not really an emotionally messed up person, you're just someone who has had to learn to manage a physical condition, a minor illness.

I do not see the problem of having herpes as "emotional baggage," I see it as a virus, a minor condition, like an allergy or chronic back trouble.

I think that rather than hurt his feelings and require that he be tolerant of your emotional problems, it might be better next time to just tell him the truth. "I'm a little nervous about kissing you because I carry the virus that causes cold sores (and/or GH). Actually, I know that most people have it, about 80% in fact, but I still feel you ought to know about it." You could tell him about both viruses, hsv 1 & 2 or just start out with the cold sore one and see how he takes that.

But, from my own point of view at least, a person with a virus is not less attractive as a person but a person with emotional baggage (who should, ideally, not be putting it on a new person) would require much more circumspection. That's just my own point of view, though. And, fortunately, it doesn't seem to be his. So maybe you did do the right thing.

But, next time, if intimacy seems about to happen and you both want it, maybe you should just tell him all or part of the truth.

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speaktru
Personally, I would be far more put off by someone who told me about "emotional baggage" than I would about someone who told me about a physical disease. He sounds extremely tolerant and compassionate. Anyway, you are not really an emotionally messed up person, you're just someone who has had to learn to manage a physical condition, a minor illness.

I do not see the problem of having herpes as "emotional baggage," I see it as a virus, a minor condition, like an allergy or chronic back trouble.

I think that rather than hurt his feelings and require that he be tolerant of your emotional problems, it might be better next time to just tell him the truth. "I'm a little nervous about kissing you because I carry the virus that causes cold sores (and/or GH). Actually, I know that most people have it, about 80% in fact, but I still feel you ought to know about it." You could tell him about both viruses, hsv 1 & 2 or just start out with the cold sore one and see how he takes that.

But, from my own point of view at least, a person with a virus is not less attractive as a person but a person with emotional baggage (who should, ideally, not be putting it on a new person) would require much more circumspection. That's just my own point of view, though. And, fortunately, it doesn't seem to be his. So maybe you did do the right thing.

But, next time, if intimacy seems about to happen and you both want it, maybe you should just tell him all or part of the truth.

Brainyblonde you are so wise. i appreciate your responses. But i do have emotional baggage, the first person i slept and fell in love w/ gave me 3 viruses and he doesnt even want to be w/ me, talk to me, or even admit that he gave it to me. he just abandoned me. i was extremely hurt by this and i'm still broken up about it. so intimacy is really hard for me right now. but i guess some ppl get freaked out if they hear someone has emotional baggage. i will keep that in mind next time. he is a very nice guy i just didnt want to ruin my chances by telling him right off the bat that i have all these viruses and im still trying to figure things out. i'm just wondering how long i can keep telling him that i'm not ready to be intimate and how long his tolerance will last. the talk just scares me beyond words. but i know its something that i HAVE to do. i'm handling my H better and the obs. i am very happy about this.

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gotitsowhat

Don't stress

Just tell him next time. What you are going through worrying about it will probably turn out to be worse than whatever happens when you do tell him. It's not a big deal in the scheme of things. He sounds compassionate so depend on that and tell him.

Now...I still have to argue with the "emotional baggage" definition of your state of mind...you are not emotionally hung up. You are still recovering from the hurt of a love betrayal. The truth is that when we trust someone and love that person and that person betrays our trust, the pain is serious pain, like breaking a leg. You don't get over it quickly. It takes time, like recovering from any other major loss, such as a death of someone close to you. In a way, it is getting over the death of a relationship and of your hopes and dreams.

I think that young people do not know this because when we watch movies and TV shows and read romance novels or women's magazines, we are fed a lot of fantasy stuff about love and romance. We come to believe certain things that are not true but make great movies or talk show philosophies. The idea that there is someone just around the corner, someone perfect, waiting just for us, that there is someone for everyone etc. And the idea that we can zip from one romance to another like people do on TV shows, that we can get over a love rejection or betrayal in a few minutes or days and go right on to the next person. The idea that we will always know for sure when we have met that right person and he will look us in the eyes, kiss us and we will KNOW and be sure he will never hurt us and he won't.

This is all romance novel stuff. I am not implying that romance novels are bad or that you read them. But these ideas are in the air all around us and when we are young, we tend to absorb them and believe them.

The truth is, love is hard. It is hard to find that special person, hard for relationships to last, even when there is real love involved. And some people never do find it. And some people find it and lose it in all sorts of ways, through bad luck, illnesses, accidents and death, and, worst of all, sometimes through betrayal. It happens in life. A lot. To a lot of people.

So when you meet someone you think might turn out to be a special person in your life, you are taking a chance that they will not. Or that they will be but that it won't last for one reason or another. Or that you will get involved and they will reject you or betray you. Love is a very chancy business. When we are young, we think that all it takes it a loving heart and a romantic approach and maybe a little luck. But we older people know that it also takes real courage to chance a relationship, to make oneself vulnerable to serious hurt.

There is a kind of unwritten rule about all of this and I am going to state it here: We all have what you call "emotional baggage" if we have ever been hurt in love. Most of us learn the lesson that some people, even people we are fond of, cannot be trusted. But when we start a new relationship, we are not supposed to bring the past with us. I know this is very hard. Believe me, I know. But all we can take with us from our past hurts is the knowledge that when we accept someone into our lives, and open ourselves to intimacy or any kind, we are taking a huge chance. If we decide to take that chance, then it is best to do it in a brave spirit, knowing we have decided to throw caution to the wind for this person and that we realize we could get hurt. We have decided to put the quest for love over being safe but lonely.

I am not suggesting by any means that you throw common sense away or ignore whatever hard earned lessons you have had to learn from the hurts of the past. But the "baggage" concept has to go. You owe yourself the use of whatever wisdom you have acquired regarding him but he does not, and cannot, heal whatever you have been through and it is not fair to put any of it on him. If you are ready to chance the relationship, grab your wisdom and go for it. If not, give yourself the time you need to heal from the past and do not feel you have to conform to anyone else's time table, Some hurts take a long time to fade away.

He sounds like a good guy. If you want to go on seeing him, if you want to take the chance that this could develop into something so good that you would be open to the risk of being hurt, then decide to trust him enough to reveal the truth about hsv. It's just one little virus and I have a feeling he will react sensibly. But, however he reacts, love itself is taking a chance, intimacy of any kind is a risk. Might as well begin with this. If you want him in your life at all.

Somehow this reminds me of an old quotation. I think it's a poem from hundreds of years ago. Don't remember the author.

"It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch

To love--and then to lose!

For your gaze once lifted me

Your words were gift to me

To remember brings painful joy

It is a fearful thing

A holy thing

To love what death can touch."

I think of this poem often. And I know there is more than one kind of death.

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