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vegasgirl5

The talk didn't go well

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vegasgirl5

I've had herpes now for over 10 years, and I'm over 30. I've had the talk with men before and never had anyone turn me down or react badly. I'm unemotional about it and very matter of fact. I don't believe that it is a reflection on me as a person. It wasn't my fault, and it doesn't decrease my value as a human being on this earth.

I haven't really dated for the last three years for reasons other than herpes. I was looking for a specific kind of person and it never occured to me that herpes would be an issue because it never has before and because honestly, I just don't think it's that big of a deal. I mean, think of all the weird parasites people used to get in the dark ages. What about fleas on a dog? I mean, we are just part of the world, and that means that we are susceptible to viruses and what not in the world.

After all this waiting, I finally met a man that was the things I was looking for. And it's easy to say that he's weak and some kind of loser for bugging out when I told him I have herpes. The reality is that he's uneducated about it, and stigmatizing something he doesn't know anything about. He told me he needed a few days to research it, but what really gets me is that he never returned my email or text. He hasn't contacted me in 3 days, and I'm thinking, is he the kind of person that retreats everytime there is some kind of issue? Do I really want to be with a person who won't go through things with me?

I mean, it's really just an occasional nusiance, not some life treatening disease, and it doesn't make me a bad person. If he liked me so much before hand, why is that so different now? I don't get it. He won't even talk to me.

I guess the reality is that he was only interested in me for the sex, and when he saw that wasn't exactly what he expected, he wasn't interested anymore.

We had been dating for about a month, and things were going perfectly, and he liked me, and I liked him. Now, there's nothing. I never put him at risk. I didn't lie to him. I didn't mislead him in anyway. I even told him that I wanted to wait for us to get to know each other better before having sex, and I said that not because I have herpes, but because I like him, and I'm looking for a real relationship not a solely sexual one. He wanted to have sex on the first date. He really pressured me about sex, which I felt was inappropriate with or without herpes.

I guess if I were him, I might have not wanted to have sex, but I would at least have the integrity to tell that to him, not hide. I had the courage and the fortitude to tell him I had herpes. Why couldn't he at least tell me he couldn't get past this?

I'm hurt. I have not felt ashamed or dirty or unsexy or unworthy of love for many years. But this experience has left me feeling less than. I know that it's not his fault because I determine my worth, regardless of what others think, do, or say. But somehow, that's not really comforting right now. I really liked him. We had so much in common. I haven't clicked like this in many years, and I saw a real future with him. I'm disapointed.

Anyone have a similar experience, and how did you pick up your bootstraps and move on?

Thank you.

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itsnotover

I can't say that I have had a similar experience. Although, I was just diagnosed and had to tell the guy I've been dating for a little over a month AFTER having unprotected sex and putting him at risk (I had no idea) that I had tested positive for herpes. It was awful, I felt terrible. He responded well, but I can't imagine how I would have felt had he rejected me. But then when I think about it, I've been rejected for all sorts of reasons in the past and I never thought twice about it, just figured they weren't right for me. Like you said yourself, if this guy is going to act this way, do you really want to be with him? Give yourself a few days to be bummed, then go get your hair done (I truly believe that doing so can boost esteem immensly) or do whatever it is you do that makes you feel good, and jump back on that horse! I am sure you're an amazing person and I know that you're not going to let some dude (who doesn't even have the decency to be a man about it) ruin dating for you. There are plenty of fish in the sea! Good luck to you!

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SkiMan

Vegas, I can't help you much...but I would like to say that it sounds like you did everything admirably. It wasn't your fault. Some simply can't get over that little hurdle. If I had a dollar for every girl I had a lot in common with, I would have at least $20. In short, someday you will meet another man who is everything you dreamed of (including accepting you as you are).

I am sorry you are getting rejected.

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chooseyourbattles

You've never been rejected before? Odds sound good for you, for the most part.

How many guys have you had accept you?

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vegasgirl5

Thank you

Thanks everyone for the replies. It actually makes it easier that he hasn't called or made any contact because it took so much courage to tell him, but he can't even say "I don't think this is right for me." That's not just sad, but it's really cruel.

To answer your question, I'm not sure how many people, I've been in a lot of relationships over the past 10 years. I am a pretty fun person and have a solid group of friends, so finding people to date comes easy. It's finding someone that I actually want to be with that's hard :). But that's hard for everyone!

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livelaughlove

vegasgirl5-

i wouldn't take his response too personal (and i'm preaching to the choir). because if he wanted to have sex on the first date..uhhh yuk. pre and post herpes that would have been a major turn off and would have told me that that was all he was about and in for. i know that sucks cuz my feelings get hurt when i realize that that is all a guy wants from me. so in a long term sense he wasn't cut out to take the full risk that hsv may or may not bring. he was in for some temporary fun not necessarily the long haul. so its good for you that his character was revealed early on saves u the trouble but also allows u to be free for when the right one shows up.

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ginnyp

Yeah, I agree with livelaughlove. Although some relationships have turned out great for some who have done the deed on the first date, if he was pressuring you or pushing for it, I imagine he's done that with lots of his first dates. Which might mean he's been around the block way too many times. And he could even be harboring some kind of disease.

If he wanted it that much the first date, he's gotten it plenty from other sources, and it would be better (IMO) to find someone who respects you more and wants to find out more about you before jumping in the sack.

I know it sucks when they don't even respond. Maybe he really has done research and he's a little worried about himself now, considering he might have had a good number of flings.????? But either way, it's better to find this out now then further down the road.

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SkiMan
Thanks everyone for the replies. It actually makes it easier that he hasn't called or made any contact because it took so much courage to tell him, but he can't even say "I don't think this is right for me." That's not just sad, but it's really cruel.

To answer your question, I'm not sure how many people, I've been in a lot of relationships over the past 10 years. I am a pretty fun person and have a solid group of friends, so finding people to date comes easy. It's finding someone that I actually want to be with that's hard :). But that's hard for everyone!

You just wrote the ABSOLUTE truth: I have a solid group of friends so finding people to date comes easy. It is finding someone I want to be with that is difficult.

I have nothing else to say. That is my theme song...and someone should write a song about it. They would make lots of money :mrgreen:

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Stillme

The bad sign..

is when they want sex on a first date. You are so much better than that, and you know it. Doesn't matter what you say to him... that you want a relationship, you want to get to know him, you want... that's what doesn't matter. What matters is what he wants. He only wanted sex. Too complicated to deal with the H thing, so he bailed. A blessing in disguise. I'm so sorry you had to feel that. Totally awful. He obviously has no class or decency to even respond to you. What a jerk. He would not have been the kind of guy to stand the test of time. There will be someone better for you.

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