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No Pasa Nada

Defeated

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No Pasa Nada

For ten months I've been pining for my x-gf of six years, she breaking things off because of several reasons, but mainly because I stopped caring or showing that I love her. The reality of the situation is that, yes, I did do these things. Except, I always loved her, and was just bent up over moving back from a media capital, working for a huge publication, and not working for said publication anymore. The dream felt a little lost.

The story has waves and waves of other factors. But most important would be really, honest to the bone here, I loved her to the core. And still do.

So she breaks things off, and I pine and pine and pine, all in the days when H was an unknown virus to my body (I did not contract until months later). Even pseudo-proposed (promise ring -- I know, I know. Was the principle. What's a ring, anyway?).

Still, she would "never go back to such a shitty relationship."

Another guy enters the picture about a month from the kick-off of all this, and a new weight of heartache ensues. So much heartache, so much ribcage-scratching heartache, I need to fucking feel something God damn it. The moan of another woman. The press of her nails into my back. Something else. Vindictive. Wretched.

Bam - H.

I'm ruining the nuances of this story with fast-forward techniques. But bottom line I was kicked when supremely down, and I can't get back up. I mounted a two-month run at it, but it ended tonight, when my ex tells me that she's back with the other dude (they had split for a few months). I broke down and told her I had H, held her hand and asked her what it was about me that she hated so much, after telling me for six years how much she loved me.

She had plenty to say, because she's very much the most beautiful and caring person I've ever met, but I'm still the asshole who didn't take good enough care of her and is shamed with this evil virus.

Now I placed a lot of emotional stock in this girl, and as I said I...can...not...get...up. No matter how much I read about vaccines and other success stories, I lost the one person that gave me happiness, happiness I could wake up to and stay friends with for the rest of my life.

Fellow tortured hearts, please offer some insight.

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curecomingverysoon

Well, now I think you need to give her some time to think about it. You laid it all out there, it's in her hands now. Presumably you told her that you've realized how wonderful she is, how much you mistreated her, that things will be different. If she choses to come back then you can make a run at it. But if she doesn't know that there will be others, or at least another. If she said bad things about this virus then maybe she isn't so beautiful after all.

You cannot get up for now. This is a temporary thing, this absolute feeling of paralysis. You are among people who have experienced this as well so don't feel alone.

You just have to know that things will get better. They always do. They can only look up from here. 5 or 10 years from now you will either laugh about this or look back and marvel at how this was your lowest point and your subsequent recovery.

Pick a goal, any goal. And work towards it in any way that you. Start with a small one, say becoming a participant in the ASP2151 trial. That's my current goal. Maybe pick another bigger goal too. That goal will give your life fulfillment and maybe somewhere along the way, love will find you again. Almost certainly. If not, you will be happy with the knowledge that you've lived a good life, doing good things that had a real impact.

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itsnotover

You've been dealt a double-whammy, my friend. My heart goes out to you. Guess you shouldn't have been such an a-hole. I'm kidding of course. At least heartbreak is curable, right? It's far more torturous than the insignificant, merely inconvienient H. I'll rattle a few 'ol cliches off - if nothing else, it will annoy you and take your mind momentarily off of your suffering. And, because I really believe that they are true. Ready?

Time heals all wounds

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

When the going gets tough, the tough get going

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. (well, that's not really a cliche, but I like it anyway)

Okay, I'm done. Bottom line: you'll be okay. Take some "you" time, do what you love, and get back to feeling good again. Oh wait! One more ... everything happens for a reason. Whether or not this is true, sometimes it helps me just to think so. Someday you'll be somewhere great and you'll look back and say "I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't gone through that." I know that for a fact. Best of luck to you. We're all rooting for you!

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No Pasa Nada

Thank you both for the kind replies. I'll post a proper response once my head's a little clearer.

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MsLucy

Quote "... and as I said I...can...not...get...up."

As long as you can feel the pain, you know you're still alive. And if you're still alive, you know there's going to be a tomorrow. And another after that. And with every tomorrow that dawns, you'll be able to lift your head a little higher, and see the horizon a little clearer. In time, you'll be able to get up and walk towards it. Time will heal the wounds. Be patient.

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Muchtolive4

We can't unring the bell. We can't undo our past, but we can commit to being better people, better partners, in the future. I know what you are going through. My marriage of 4 1/2 years just ended, for many reasons. You can sit, and pine and think about the "what ifs" and the "should have dones." You can lie awake at night and torture yourself, obsess, and begin falling behind in work, life, etc.

You can overthink everything, and beat yourself up, or you can STOP the madness. Stop the turmoil. Forgive yourself. Get to know yourself again before going back out there.

I know its hard. It's hard to say goodbye to our dreams, to our assumptions, to all that we took for granted, for all that we thought we would have. But in its place are new possibilities, new pathways, new opportunities. Open your mind, open your heart. The new year is about healing and renewal. It is about the painful and transformative process of moving from one plane of existence to another. No evolution happens without some painful moments.

Stay with this forum. It will help you. I know it helped me. It will make you strong when you are feeling weak.

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No Pasa Nada

Again, thanks. You guys make a fellow human being feel good. Just hard sometimes, 'cause I'm not only plagued with a broken heart and H, but I've had the 'thinking disease' ever since I bridge the gap between my mind and my heart. Thinking too much eats away at you like cancer, as Muchtolive4 touched upon. Funny offshoot -- my brother recently told me in a pep talk to not let my genes take hold of my head (we have a father with a history of nervous breakdowns). Well, I guess, it's a bit funnier if you know how much my brother and I distance ourselves from him, 'cause he's been a vindictive dick ever since he divorced our mother. Like Jack Nicholson-The Shining-creepy-funny.

Anyway, in my thinking, what I hold on desperately to is, again what Muchtolive4 touched upon, the belief in the future of my ex and I. And I really don't subscribe to it yet as being fantasy or unrealistic. Maybe that's my tragedy right there -- naivete. She was all that I knew, stability wise, for all of my (start-up) adult life. It's hard to deconstruct the support system she built, especially when she says that I destroyed it long ago.

I know that my story is so ubiquitous (aside from H). And I know all the cliches are cliches for a reason rooted in truth. But like the many after me that will succumb to the same heartache, it's more fun to believe that you're invincible. Or at least feign it.

On the subjects of hope, trials and goals, emotions run just as deep for these as they do for the ex. And I really want to change the chemistry of my head and body to focus my satisfaction and happiness on them. I've wanted to for months. But I just keep believing that the ex is a presence in my life, and will extend an olive branch one day. And once that anxiety is removed everything will be all rainbows and sunshine.

Of course that's a bunch of bullshit, and as all of you have alluded to, strength comes from within, not from her.

Psychology aside, right now, since I just told her about my diagnosis, she's worried that she may have given H to me, since we slept together one last time over the summer, after she had been with the new guy. From what I've read about first outbreaks and symptoms, the majority of sources quote like a three day to three week response time, from the date of exposure. So I keep assuring her that she has nothing to worry about, since I didn't notice anything until a good seven weeks after the summer connection, and it was just a week after I slept with the woman I believe gave it to me (who still assures me that she is clear of "everything"). I know it's off topic, but do any of you know if it's possible that I could have contracted it from my ex? I mean, I had major symptoms. No lesions, but an awful flu, swollen lymph nodes, and many a genital burns and tingles. I couldn't take seven weeks for the virus to attack my body like that, could it?

Otherwise, again, thanks for the support.

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itsnotover

That's the crazy thing about H, it's often very difficult to tell who you got it from because the symptoms can be so random. The standard is usually like 2-20 days to have an initial outbreak, but there are many storys where people have had it for years, decades even, and then all of the sudden - bam! - they experience symptoms out of the blue. If your ex is really concerned about it (it just might be a good idea anyways), she should get the blood test. Might put both of your minds at ease. I think you may be right, just from looking at the timeline, that it seems more likely that you got it from the new woman. But I'm no expert, and anything is possible. When the new woman says that she is clear of "everything," did you ask her if she knows that HSV is not included in standard STD tests? Perhaps she's never even been tested for it. Estimates say that 90% of infected people don't know they have it. Stupid huh? You'd think that since the virus is becoming so prevailant that they'd make the test standard and try to stop the spread, but then again, Big Pharma makes so much money off Valtrex and the like ... whoa, I rambling off topic.

About your "thinking disease" - I think the hugest thing in overcoming (or controlling) that is an awareness that it exists. I used to often crawl inside my head and you're right, it's like a cancer - but when you're doing it, you don't realize that you're doing it. It's much easier to control a behavior when you know it exists.

Well, best of luck to you. It sounds like your doing a little better already.

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