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nelli08

how soon is too soon?or not soon enough?

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nelli08

Is being young a disadvantage to someone who develops this illness at a later age? I got diagnosed when I was 18.. I am 19 now and am afraid to get into a relationship because I am afraid of getting rejected because of something I cannot change. I dont mean to sound vain or be offensive to ANYONE who may take the time to read this, but is it 'easier' for someone who is older to talk to a potential partner about this 'problem' because the other person is older, in most cases, and understands? Where as being in the age range of 18-25 finding that person who will understand is slim. At least thats what I believe. Is it in most cases where if your young and your looking to have a relationship with someone of your age harder because that other person is gonna see the situation as this could affect my whole life and split? And is it easier for someone who is older because the other person is also in that age group that they dont see it as a what if i dont make it with that person whats going to happen then? or am i completly wrong and its harder being of age or equally hard because of this illness in general???? i know when i was clean i would find it hard to be with someone if this was on their plate. so i have a hard time thinking someone else is going to give me the time on day.... Now I am not about to be a hypercrit, if I was the one who was clean, my potential boyfriend tells me they have herpes or some illness they will have for life and could pass it to me. I would be scared to be with them. Being a unjudging person, I would understand. And herpes does not define a persons character. There is so much more that could form an attraction and a relationship. But it must be taken into consideration, that herpes is apart of this persons life, forever. I guess what Im trying to say or put out there is this: If im 19 and just talking to a person, should i tell them upfront and grin and bear the consiquenses that that person could reject* or accept me. OR should i wait to see if a relationship builds and feelings evolve leading to happiness or tears... If a person likes you.. for you then herpes shouldnt matter. Yes its a factor but you can be safe about it.. if the person shys away after you talk to them or tell them then they werent worth your time in the first place. if this is all ture.. then why is this decision so hard?[/

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notamused

I'm not sure about the age thing although you may have a point...

the angle I can bring to this is that I know for sure that looking back on the relationship I had with the guy I got this from, I think that if he had told me he had it (he didn't even know) I'm pretty sure I would have backed out. and that is because I knew deep down that it was never really going to work with this guy, I just wanted something and he was there and showed an interest so I was kind of having a relationship for the sake of it. not that he wasn't nice at the time I just knew there wasn't enough of a connection for it to be a really long term thing. and I think this is something you know quite early on with a person, either the potential is there or it isn't.

In retrospect the relationship wasn't only not worth getting herpes for, but it wasn't worth my time in general, and so I wish I had had the option.

What i'm trying to say is that if a relationship has the potential to be worthwhile, herpes shouldn't change that. If herpes is an instant deterrent then I guess you've avoided something that wouldn't have been worth it anyway.

I guess I'm suggesting that it could serve to weed out the relationships that aren't really going to be serious. Obviously there's more of a problem if you're looking for something casual...

The way I'm planning to play things is to look for reasonably long-term friendship before moving onto anything else. I've told alot of people and I figure if the potential for a relationship was there with any of my friends who already know, at least they are fully aware of the deal with me and have had time to get used to the idea. This could potentially be better than dumping it on someone suddenly when there's already a romantic thing going on. Then again I have oral herpes as well so the problems start a little earlier for me!:rolleyes:

Every situation is different I guess. good luck.

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Morning

Damn HSV, always has us questioning stuff. Your ponderings are understandable. My approach regarding when to tell someone I'm dating that I have HSV is to think about when I feel naturally inclined to have a talk about sex and safety. You know, the talk about 'when was the last time you were tested.' To me, that feels like the appropriate time to talk about having HSV. That has been the approach I've used on each of the occasions that I've had the talk and it has gone well each time. Now about this age thing, I think you're right. Generally speaking, with age comes experience, knowledge, and maturity. With maturity comes understanding; that ability to understand that life isn't perfect, that shit happens, that people don't come in perfect little packages of our choosing. So I think in general one is more likely to find understanding in someone who is older than younger. But it's interesting that some people have life experiences at different ages that can allow them to be open people. For example, a child who grews up with a parent who has a life long disease. Or a teen whose best friend had cold sores since childhood. These are circumstances that can increase your awareness/knowledge/understanding about having a condition. Thus you could encounter a 17 year who doesn't bat an eye at you having HSV. So age can be an indicator but no guarantee that someone will or will not be understanding and accepting about you having HSV. You'll find stories just on this site alone about encounters with 30 and 40 years olds who are not understanding. Bottom line is, no matter how much we think this through and draw reasonable conclusions about how things might go, we will never be able to fully predict how a person might react. It will always feel unnerving, to some extent, to tell someone. But over time I have learned that if a person is for me then they will be for me. If not, then they're not. I don't have to be mad about it, or mad at them for not being accepting, I just accept that it's a part of life not being able to know how things will go. Kinda long, but that's my two cents.

Morning

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chooseyourbattles

Morning is partially right. Mature people are more likely to accept it, but who is to say that age correlates with maturity?

Some people want serious relationships, and those people will more than likely accept it. Some people want casual sex, and believe it or not, I have had casual sex partners after finding out I have HSV2. They are glad I told them, because they assume another person might not. People who have casual sex frequently are more likely to have or to know people who have HSV2, as well.

Some people don't accept it, and that sucks. I've been rejected because guys are concerned about what the next girl would do if he caught it from me. And some young people will take it in stride, even they know their relationship with you won't last forever.

A lot of people with herpes make the mistake of assuming that they cannot have sex with anyone unless (s)he intends to have it last forever. I get annoyed when men place the stipulation on me that it would have to be long-term in order to risk it. How do you know if a relationship will be long-term?

I wish I would have caught it at 41 instead of 21, so I could have lived 20 more years without this hurdle. But that's the only contribution I have regarding age.

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nelli08

Thank you all

thank you all for your advice, it has all made me think more about this situation. being young sucks i guess in a sence that people the same age tend to run or shy away from this situation, but i guess i just have to keep my head up and live life. i think this whole situation is just going to make me become a more comunicating kind of person. i mean i have always been the shy type, talkin to people about personal things can be very hard for me, but im sure ill quickly overcome that with the fact that i need to be open with people about this situation. People choose to run or leave all i can say is, 'there loss'. This disease isnt me and its not about to control my life. thank you every one. its nice to actually talk to real people about this situation who have had experience with it, this whole site has been a huge help for me, much better then some text book. thank you to all. ~nelli:rolleyes:

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gotitsowhat

Older people

I did not think your premise about older people was exactly correct, that an older person would not be as down on herpes because unlike a younger person, they don't have their whole lives ahead of them. Whatever life we do have ahead of us (and who can say how long we have at any age), we still want a good healthy life if possible.

Some older people are quite old fashioned about sex and think that having any kind of STD would put you beyond the pale for any kind of relationship, even friendship.

Other older people are, like me, much more tolerant and open minded. I am an aging hippie and most of my friends are not very judgmental about sexual matters and types of experiences.

But, in general, my observation from reading this board is that younger people seem to accept the social stigma more than the kind of older people I know.

That's just a personal observation.

But, it doesn't really matter unless you are planning to date a lot of old hippies (LOL).

People of any age can be accepting or not. Hard to tell unless you get to know the person.

As for when you should tell...there seems to be a wide range of opinion on this board. My own take on it is that telling someone about your herpes is personal and relates to your medical situation and your sexual health. Since it is not about your personality or character, I don't feel it is appropriate to discuss it when getting to know someone. It IS appropriate to discuss it if sex becomes a possibility. I don't feel that having this virus is about ME, it's about my sexual health. So when approaching sex, it is important information to relate, not otherwise.

But that's me. We are all different. So maybe, for you, the timing might be different. If it is starting to cause you anxiety in a relationship, maybe that is the time to tell, if only to spare you a lot of worrying and fear.

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