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silverlining

Today makes 3 days...

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silverlining

...And I already can't deal with this anymore (I haven't even bothered calling the doctor back about the results..there's no use. I know it's herpes. All the cards are there). Honestly..the first time I got an STD I wanted to die. But it's nothing compared to this. It's not just the pain..on a scale of 1-10 I'd put it at a 7 because I have a high tolerance. It's just all the stress, shame, guilt, sadness, and overall disappointment that comes with it. I went to bed feeling great! Like I had so much encouragement from people on this site and my own sensible realizations about this condition. That I could actually be a healthier person and more responsible at that. I even started thinking about ways to tell my two previous partners (they weren't boyfriends..they were flings) that I found out I may be infected and they should get tested.

But the more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Until I freaked out completely and ended up crying and not able to sleep for hours. I feel so guilty! They'll just think I gave it to them. And what if I DID give it to the last person I was with? I feel like a murderer...I can't do this. Everyone says it gets better but right now I'm not seeing a light. I can't talk to anyone. I lied to my parents. All I do is drink tea, manage the pain, feel racked with guilt about contacting said men, check support websites and look up information all day. This can't be healthy.

What makes it worse is the more I "research" herpes the more I find nasty responses to it. Like people asking at yahoo questions "we don't want to be rude..but everyone is afraid of getting herpes from one of our co-workers..should we spray the toilet seat?" and "hey dude..drop that girl and get a better one. people need to learn to wrap it up" and "after XX years of blissful marriage, now it's over because the bitch got herpes". Honestly I don't blame them. Who are we kidding? No one wants the gift that keeps giving!! There is no way this is a gift. This is a curse. I think it's one peg away from HIV..and you know, fatality is looking lovely at this point. Sorry this sounds so terrible. I am having the worst day and I'm going insane.

How am I supposed to function ever again as a human being when people are so ignorant and thoughtless (and selfish)? It's one thing to be healthy and battle stupid people. It's another to be sick and serve as fodder for those stupid people. For a person who has sought acceptance to a fault her entire life, this is a major blow. I feel like I have to tell all my friends...so they can tell me they still love me and I still have value. Deep down inside I am scared they will just lie to my face and then go post on youtube "my roommate/friend has herpes. should we quarantine her?"

I have been turned into a social pariah all in day's work. Thanks herpes. Couldn't have done it without you! :twisted:

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ginnyp

I don't know what to say right now, but one peg away from hiv is just crazy. Think about it. HIV kills. Herpes doesn't. HIV causes so many problems - it causes other illnesses to go haywire. Herpes doesn't. They are totally not even closely related. HIV is a blood-born disease, herpes is skin-to-skin. It is a skin problem, not something that travels all over our bodies. Think about HPV. HPV is even more common than herpes and it can cause cancer. And make you have surgeries, some people have surgery after surgery after surgery, like vulva surgeries, and anal removals, etc. Herpes does not cause cancer and it does not require surgery. It is much less harmful than hpv, but because hpv is SOOOOOO much more common, people don't stigmatize it as much as herpes.

As my doctor said, herpes and hpv are as common as sand. Anyone in our age group having sex is going to get a form of one of them. So stop over obsessing about it. It does not help. (That's what he said to me). Stop my worrying, and get back to living my life. Loads of people have herpes, and more are finding out about it. It'll take time, but it really does get better. Yeah, there are nasty responses out there. That's because there are nasty people in our society. You don't really want to be friends with those people, do you? So who cares what they say. Let them think what they want to until THEY get diagnosed with something and then maybe their feelings will change.

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silverlining

I take it back...partially

Yeah I was way over zealous with this post and I wish I could delete it. I was just super pissed and crazy and going through the worst pain of my outbreak. But I'm over it now. And no need to tell me how bad HPV is...I've already had it. Several surgeries. But I won't go as far as to say it's "better" because at least I'm done with treatment pretty much forever. And as "common" as HPV is, it's still amazing the reaction you get from people about it. Oh well, like you said, move on. No use complaining now :rolleyes:

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gotitsowhat

It's OK, silverlining...

to vent your feelings here. If you can't talk about them here, where can you be honest about it?

We all have fluctuations in the way we deal with this. Some days we are stronger than others. I think it is fair to say that even on our strongest days, we wish we did not have this. Yes, the pain of an outbreak is real and the social stigma is real and there are a lot of ignorant and mean spirited people in the world who would (or do) condemn us for this.

But, as you know and stated in your second post, we have strong days, too. And after a while, most of us have discovered that the strong days begin to outnumber the bad days. So admit your feelings on the bad days and don't be afraid to post them here even if some people don't understand and decide you are being "negative" because they are unable to handle that on that day. We do understand. Some days it just plain sucks. But on those bad days give yourself the comfort of knowing that the good days WILL come again and that there will be more and more of them.

I, too, am a recovering people pleaser. So I know what it's like to have one more rejection factor thrown in your life. But, like you say, we can't do anything about this now, we have it and we have to move on.

Because our good days will eventually greatly outnumber our bad days, you/we are becoming stronger, day by day.

In a way, you can regard herpes as your personal opportunity to fully recover from being a knee jerk people pleaser. Now it is your turn to make judgments about people who are ignorant and cruelly judgmental, the kind of people who might reject an hsv infected roommate or friend or talk behind her back. You get to decide what you think of them. Your judgment of them needs to count more than their judgment of you. They don't get to decide if you are OK--you do.

Feel free to PM me if you need any extra support. I know about the bad days. And I know they will start to be few and far between if you just hang in there.

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