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chooseyourbattles

When They Bail After Sex

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chooseyourbattles

So, here I have an unenlightening story, and a subsequent plea for help.

I have been friends with this guy for a year now, and he is exactly the type of guy my mother would want me to have a relationship with: relatively boring, moderately intelligent, slightly below average looking. However, he said he is very freaky in bed, and that is a redeeming quality, so I asked him out.

I knew he had liked me for a while, and I've had very good responses from all of the guys who have known me so far, so I assumed he would accept it. I told him about it, and I gave him a week or so before we had sex. He said he was okay with it sometimes, other times not. I figured, though, that he had made his decision, since he'd had long enough to make it. He was the one who initiated sex.

The next day, he told me that he can't "put himself at continued risk" because he is afraid of rejection from other girls. It was a reasonable fear, I think, but I wish he had come to that conclusion before leading me on. Plus, he said he would go to his doctor for advice, and he didn't. Why didn't he ask some of his female friends how they would react to a guy with herpes? He didn't try hard enough.

He still wanted to be friends afterwards, but I said no. When I see him, I will not remember the guy who drove me to work or the guy I played poker with late at night. I will remember the guy who led me on, and then shot me down for a condition I cannot control.

The reason this bothers me so much is because, like I said, I have had unanimous success so far with guys who have known me for a long time. Now I can't trust them either.

Please give me some advice: how can you tell if someone is truly okay with it, so you don't have to watch him run the next day?

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vegasgirl5

I'm sorry to hear this....

I'm really sorry for you, and the pain of rejection really sucks. I went through the same thing this week, but we didn't have sex, after I told him, he didn't even give a lame excuse, just never returned a call, text, or email.

The reality is that no matter what we do, we face rejection in life. Just take comfort in the fact that he was going to fall short somewhere along the way because he showed his true character to you.

Good for you for saying you couldn't be friends. A lot of women make the mistake of hanging on and wishing and hoping, and that's just a lie to yourself. He's not quality, and as much as you want him to be, he's just not. Best to keep in your heart that everything in this life happens to bring you closer to your true self, and this is just one of those things.

Hang in there.

Love and Light....

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vegasgirl5

PS there is no way to know how someone is going to react in any situation, including this one. You've just got to pick up your bootstraps and go on, because life won't stop, and you'll miss the beautiful moments if you get stuck on this one.

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livelaughlove

chooseyourbattles-

i've thought of this situation before and its interesting that you bring this up. because i kind of think that women are more at risk for this behavior then vice versa. what if they(the guy) says they are ok with your hsv, then u do the deed(that would be SEX). then they bail on u probably after 1 trip to the bed, highly unlikely they would take 2 or 3 times, because once is enuf? well, then were they ever truely ok with it? probably not. it seems that they just wanted to have sex with you, because of course they've wondered what it's like (bcuz that's just what guys do and of course some of us girls too). but if it's protected sex via condom and supressive therapy then a good one time hop in the bed isn't exactly going to put them at an all time HUGE risk. but if they repeatedly have sex with a woman with hsv then they up their risk of catching it. have i just thought about this way too much or what? has anyone else played out this scenario in their mind? telling someone that you have hsv, only to discover they weren't really ok with it but just wanted to experience your sensual side at least one time? how do you really ever protect yourself from this behavior? would you have to wait a really long time before you went to bed with someone?

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itsnotover

I am sorry that you went through that, but to be fair, I can understand why someone may be reluctant to put themselves at risk in a relationship that they aren't 100% sure about. Herpes last far longer than a sexual encounter or two. Should he have led you on? Absolutley not. That was wrong, and you have every right to be upset about that aspect. The fact that he was considering "rejection from other girls" tells me that he didn't expect the relationship last. You're lucky that you've had such understanding partners in the past, but the reality is that not everyone won't be willing to put themselves at risk, especially for a relationship that they are unsure about. And can you blame them? If I wasn't ghsv-2 positive and some guy that I didn't see a future with approached me with hsv, I would certainly hesitate to have sex with him if I didn't see it going anywhere. You ask "how can you tell if someone is truly okay with it, so you don't have to watch him run the next day?" Well, I guess you never know for sure, but I would say that a person who makes a conscious effort to get educated about it (whether it be talking to a doctor, researching on the internet, friends, or whatever) would be a good start. The fact that "He said he was okay with it sometimes, other times not" should be a red flag for you. For me, I want my partner to be 100% sure and I want them to be educated about the virus; that way I feel that they can make a rational decision about whether or not to continue a relationship with me. Someone who is not willing to make that effort does not have the qualities I am looking for in a partner anyway. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, it sucks, but at least you've learned something for the next time around. ;)

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Ultra Violet

You didn't sound like you were that into him so why say he led you on. I think that if someone better came along you'd give him the flick from your luke-warm appraisal of his qualities. I don't get it.

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Stillme

Not a friend...

That guy is not a friend and was never a friend, and probably wouldn't be a good one. Rejection is awful, I know. This guy was not good enough anyway. Cry a little, if you must, and press on. I'm sorry. There are better men out there who will love you for you. :cool:

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catiesmom

I agree with UV - it sounds like you weren't all that into him anyway. And i know it's a "for future reference" kinda thing, but i don't know that we can ever really know what someone else is truly thinking.

As far as what itsnotover said, i think we run the risk of a hit-and-run with our without herpes - i've had it done to me even before i had this. Guys want to get you in bed, say anything to make that happen, the tension and lust are great, and once it's over, they're done with you. Herpes might have just been a good excuse. And honestly, if he's only moderately intelligent, he might have seen herpes as his ticket out when he was done with his play time.

I have the strangest feeling i've given that exact advice before...

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livingmylife

How do you know?

You made a very good post and the replies are on the money. The first clue should have been when he said he was ok with it sometimes. I know its hard to deal with the feelings but I have to agree the right person will be ok with it. I know it can be hard to have patience but there are so many flakey people in the world. Its best for you to have a good idea of where they are coming from before the sex happens. This is coming from a girl who just had to have the talk over text and still shed tears. I just think we have to stay optimistic. You just have to try not to beat yourself up about it. It is really more of a reflection on him because you would have given him a chance.

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chooseyourbattles

I know I should have realized that he would freak, since he said he was ok with it "sometimes".

Honestly, though, I was under no impression that he was the "right person" and I knew that I was not to him either. We are in college.

I'm not beating myself up over it, and honestly I don't really care because he wasn't that much of a catch. I just don't want this to happen again with a better guy.

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sinningangel
...relatively boring, moderately intelligent, slightly below average looking...

Why would you even consider dating someone described as such?

How do you know a guy's not going to bail? Well yeah, I guess you never can be totally sure. But there's a few hints. If he asks you questions about your life and your interests and seems genuinely interested, not just making small talk; if he tells you that he finds you fascinating; if he comes to take care of you when you're sick and doesn't care if he gets sick too and he just wants to comfort you; if you send him an email before you go to bed at night telling him about what the best part of your day was and he calls you just minutes after you send it and tells you that he was thinking of calling you but didn't know if you would still be awake but he's glad you are...then he's probably not just in it for the sex.

Of all the things you should never compromise or settle on, it's Love.

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