How to deal with herpes-free friends who are negative?

[canlisabc]

Hi everyone,

I'm hoping you can help me out with something. I contracted herpes about 10 years ago from the ONE man in my life I have slept with without a condom. Since then, I have still been with this partner. However, knowing I have herpes has (in private) just crippled my confidence and now it's like this health secret that's just way embarassing. Talking to some good girlfriends of mine.. some times it has come up about STDs.. I have NEVER admitted to any of my girlfriends that I have herpes.. especially after the reactions of two of my close friends.

In the first case, one friend told me how she contracted chylamidia and took some antibiotics for it.. then she said how one of her other girlfriends got something way worse.. herpes! She said, "A big turn-off, as far as I'm concerned."

The second friend was telling me how she was disease-free.. and how one of her other friends (a mutual friend) didn't date much because he had herpes. Poor guy, she said.

These negative ideas have implanted in my BRAIN and now I'm sure I will never tell them about my condition.

Any advice on how to get over telling close friends about herpes, if a person decides to do so?

Just as an aside... It seems that many people around me treat herpes as a leper-type disease, and the stats about 1/5 people having herpes a myth!!

xoxo thanks everyone.. I would really appreciate your replies.. take care.. Lisa

[Palomita]

I try to keep in mind that these people (1) may actually have Herpes and not know it (2) are not intentionally trying to inflict pain with their words - they're just ignorant. I know that for myself, I've been in a few situations like that where a few words spoken just sucked the life out of me. A while back a morning DJ said she's rather date a murderer than someone with Herpes!

Another thing that keeps me going is the feeling that by keeping strong I can maybe serve as an example that it doesn't have to be the end of the world. I am forever indebted to a good friend of mine who is open about having it and totally does not bear any shame about it. Her example has given me the courage to do the same, though I'm not as comfortable as she is telling just anyone : ). - Palomita

[canlisabc]

thanks for the feedback...

Hi Palomita.. thanks for you encouraging words... I guess just struggling with not telling people gets a bit much sometimes... it's not like I really want to tell people, but sometimes I think it might relieve me of this heaviness that I have knowing I have herpes. It's such a stigma...

You're right.. these people might have herpes.. and they might not intentionally be hurtful with their comments... I guess having herpes makes me quite sensitive to any comments made about this topic!

I'm just curious.. have you told many people that you have this virus?? To date, after 10 years, only 3 people know.. my boyfriend, and the two doctors I have visited! I have had sex with a few other guys (I am not with my partner for very very long periods of time).. and I have used a condom, refrained from oral sex... and have not told them... bad, I know.. but I just cannot bring myself to tell anyone. If I encouter someone who I am serious about, I will definately tell them... The past flings (just one time with each).. I was so careful.. but of course you can never be too careful...

Anyhow... thanks again for your feedback...

Damn.. why doesn't someone develop a cure..!!!

Thanks again...

Lisa

[lapetit]

Which is why we should all take a more active role in the development of such a cure

[Palomita]

No, I haven't told many people. Only my boyfriend, my good friend (the one who's so open), my doctor, and a close male friend from high school. I told him after he told me he has it. Otherwise I keep it to myself. I have one very close female friend who I have nearly told a few times, since I was in a pretty bad funk and felt she almost had the right to know - to spare her having to wonder what was wrong with me and to avoid perhaps damaging our relationship by being secretive. I decided not to after pondering the sort of stuff she shares with me about other people. She's not evil, just doesn't share the same beliefs about privacy I do.

So it's kind of on a case-by-case basis for me. I did find I got a lot of relief by letting those select few people in on it. It really saved me having them as lifelines when I was down. Did away with that "heaviness", as you put it. When I was INCREDIBLY down on myself about the Herpes, at the beginning of my current relationship, the girlfriend who I did tell practically slapped me out of my state! She asked me if I wanted this to define me, if she thought I let it define her, and just how much did I want this to rule my life? She's a really strong woman and has overcome a lot bigger stuff than H. She helps me both by not letting me wallow and by her example of keeping her wonderful zest for life and refusing to settle. She's married to a doctor, has a wonderful life, she just goes for it. I think I have learned from her that if you truly don't perceive shame from the virus, none exists. I think that as more of us live that way there will be less stigma with time. Kind of borrowing on her courage I had the guts to pursue the man I am with now, the courage to tell him without shame and to expect good things for myself. - Palomita

[ouch]

Palomita is a never ending source of inspiration herself!

What an awesome attitude.

And you don't have to tell your friends....however, it does help if you have a really really good girlfriend to let loose and tell her (I have my best friend and my sister, so I am lucky.) It does suck that people put such stigma on it. They do treat us as lepers so we hide in the shadows so to speak.

The way I look at it is: This is nobody's business but my own, and the one I am involved with at that time. IT is no different than if I had a yeast infection, or some other skin disorder. I have my friend and my sister to talk to and now I have this website to post my feelings and ask for help. And you WILL get a lot of help and good information here!

I wish you luck and hope you DO find and outlet to alleviate your "heaviness". Remember too, we are in the same boat as you! For sure I am imagine there are many people out there who have this and not aware they do. it is actually up to 1 in every 4 people here in the US. AND THOSE ARE THE CASES REPORTED! So keep your chin up!

[canlisabc]

Thanks guys for your support...

I guess you're right.. there's no need to really tell people who have nothing to do with H.. except sometimes I feel I need to talk with someone who understands what having H is like. I think this was especially true after I found out I had it.

Anyhow.

It's true.. don't let it rule your life or take over your sense of self.. but sometime it's hard. I find I kind of go through a lot of ups and downs.. like many people, I'm sure.

You're right.. shame and guilt is all in the mind. I think in Western culture that there's a lot of both. However, when I was in Asia (where I got it), I heard more people admit that they themselves had H (although myself I would never reveal my status) and it was no big deal.

Thanks so much for your feedback and help.. I should have gone online ages ago.. !

One other concern I have.. regarding sharing with someone... if/when I do tell a new partner, I am afraid that they might not think it's a big deal (good) and in thinking that, mention to others about my condition (bad).. I am terrified of this... any comments on this?

I have been so closed to intimacy with men that I have never told another guy (besides my "boyfriend").

Just wondering...

Thanks again.. you guys are awesome..

xo

Lisa

[hibiscusqueen]

When I found out that I had HSV2, I didn't date or see anyone for five years. I had told my close girlfriend and a "guy" friend I was close with.

A month ago I found the guts to tell my best girlfriend. Not an easy thing to do hearing her talk about "poor Brandon going through a divorce and how can he date with herpes?" YadaYadaYada. I had to tell her, though now she is over the pond, she still knows when something is bothering me. My boyfriend had his first ob in many years. We have been exclusive for 3.5 years without a problem. It was hard on him and he took it out on me. All is well now and we talk about things more so actually it's better w/ him now.

Anyway, I told my best friend - finally! It was a relief. I let her know that I never felt comfortable telling her because of some of the comments I had heard her make. She assured me it was okay and she told me she loves me no matter what. She told me that there are a few in our crowd that have it and it was said in jest. obviously I was not in on the joke and took it too seriously.

[chaos]

I hate the stigma attached to this! It only seems like such a big deal in context to other people's ideas and attitudes about it. I got my first outbreak a year and a half ago. I had two more with-in the next couple months but I havn't had another one since. Physically it is so insignificant. socially and mentally it is very harsh. at work a few days ago some people were gossiping about this girl and mentioned how she had herpes and how gross. Do you know what I though was gross? how completely ignorant, childish, and pathetic these girls were. oh no! god forbid! can you believe it a girl has herpes! yeah and so do like millions and million of other girls. they have nothing better to do but sit around and make them selves feel better by talking about a girl neither of them knew. I know the one girl doing most the talking has slept with half my town but shes somehow better. Yes I have herpes and I'm still twice the woman than either of them.

Some advice though be very very careful who you tell. it is important to talk about it with the right person and not carry it alone but I made the mistake of telling someone who I though was a friend, she then held it over my head and eventually told a ton of people. I wish I had never told anyone. I know I am a great person and it's not a big deal but alot of people are really ignorant and need someone to point the finger at so they can feel superior in some way. Not everyone is understanding or compassionate. I don't even know the girl who my coworkers were talking about but I did know one thing about her.

[chaos]

I hate the stigma attached to this! It only seems like such a big deal in context to other people's ideas and attitudes about it. I got my first outbreak a year and a half ago. I had two more with-in the next couple months but I havn't had another one since. Physically it is so insignificant. socially and mentally it is very harsh. at work a few days ago some people were gossiping about this girl and mentioned how she had herpes and how gross. Do you know what I though was gross? how completely ignorant, childish, and pathetic these girls were. oh no! god forbid! can you believe it a girl has herpes! yeah and so do like millions and million of other girls. they have nothing better to do but sit around and make them selves feel better by talking about a girl neither of them knew. I know the one girl doing most the talking has slept with half my town but shes somehow better. Yes I have herpes and I'm still twice the woman than either of them.

Some advice though be very very careful who you tell. it is important to talk about it with the right person and not carry it alone but I made the mistake of telling someone who I though was a friend, she then held it over my head and eventually told a ton of people. I wish I had never told anyone. I know I am a great person and it's not a big deal but alot of people are really ignorant and need someone to point the finger at so they can feel superior in some way. Not everyone is understanding or compassionate. I don't even know the girl who my coworkers were talking about but I did know one thing about her.

[chaos]

I hate the stigma attached to this! It only seems like such a big deal in context to other people's ideas and attitudes about it. I got my first outbreak a year and a half ago. I had two more with-in the next couple months but I havn't had another one since. Physically it is so insignificant. socially and mentally it is very harsh. at work a few days ago some people were gossiping about this girl and mentioned how she had herpes and how gross. Do you know what I though was gross? how completely ignorant, childish, and pathetic these girls were. oh no! god forbid! can you believe it a girl has herpes! yeah and so do like millions and million of other girls. they have nothing better to do but sit around and make them selves feel better by talking about a girl neither of them knew. I know the one girl doing most the talking has slept with half my town but shes somehow better. Yes I have herpes and I'm still twice the woman than either of them.

Some advice though be very very careful who you tell. it is important to talk about it with the right person and not carry it alone but I made the mistake of telling someone who I though was a friend, she then held it over my head and eventually told a ton of people. I wish I had never told anyone. I know I am a great person and it's not a big deal but alot of people are really ignorant and need someone to point the finger at so they can feel superior in some way. Not everyone is understanding or compassionate. I don't even know the girl who my coworkers were talking about but I did know one thing about her.