Just found out- please help!

[scaredinohayo]

Hi. I am a girl in her early twenties and I recently found out that I have contacted herpes. A few weeks ago, I went on vacation overseas and I broke out with this horrible rash and even tho I had a similar rash before, which tested NEGATIVE for herpes, I really didn't worry to much but went to the doctor as soon as I got home just so I could get something to make the sores go away. Well, I was tested and unfortuanately I came back positive with herpes. I honestly don't know how I got it. I've only had one sexual partner, my ex who I was with a few years ago when I had the FIRST rash, but it was always protected and not that many times. Plus, he had only had sex once before and she was a virgin. (or so she says.) The only thing I can think of is that I got it from having oral sex with him, but I'm not sure.

So here's my problem. I have been dating this Wonderful young man for about 7 months now. He is a great person- very sweet, caring, romantic, funny, and all around great guy. He's absolutely my perfect match. We plan on getting married in the near future. The thing is, because of his strong moral beliefs, he's never had sex and is waiting until marriage. I am fine with this and am waiting with him... its just now, I feel terrible. I feel like I've ruined it for him. Here he is this great person who's waiting for sex, and I made one mistake and now I have an STD. I feel guilty that I'm going to be the first one he's going to be with. I feel guilty that there is a chance that I may give it to him, and that we are always going to have to watch out for the sores. I just feel so TERRIBLE I don't know what to do! I've been so depressed, even tho I cheer up when he's around and he's constatly reassuring me that everything is going to be ok and he's going to be with me no matter what, I just have no will to do anything anymore. I'm afraid he's not going to respect me anymore. I'm afraid he won't be attracted to me anymore! I'm just so, afraid!

In one of the pamphlets the doctor gave me, it says I will always have to have protected sex. See, thing is, since my boyfriend and I are waiting until marriage, we really weren't planning on using a condom, since we would be commited to eachother. (well, we probably would use one say if I was afraid of getting pregnant and not on birth control.) So, since I have herpes, does that mean, even though I am going to only be with him, we still have to use protection ALL THE TIME? What if, becuase of this, he resents me? What if on our wedding night it ends up terrible because I have an outbreak or he doesn't know how to use a condom? And if I do always have to use a condom, how am I ever going to get pregnant?? What if, because of the herpes and condom thing, sex is not enjoyable for us? What if he resorts to going elsewhere?! Although he is a great person and I believe he would never cheat on me, I really wouldn't blame him.

Also, I don't know who to tell. Obviously, I've talked it over with my boyfriend, and even though he says its fine, I'm not. I don't know if I should tell my ex or not, even though I think he's the one that gave it to me. I know, sounds obvious, but I'm afaid my ex, being the jerk he is, would either jump to conclusions and think that I was cheating on him, or tell people and start spreading rumours. We live in a small town so I really don't want that to happen. Should I tell him? And if so, HOW do I tell him without having to worry??

Please, someone help. I know its alot of problems just in one post, but all these things are running through my head all at once and I just have to get it out. Please, I need advice, support, anything. I really don't want to be so scared and depressed anymore.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Scared in Ohayo

[feelinalone]

all in it together

hey

im also mid twenties and i just found out too. i am really scared about telling people too. but the more i read about it, the more people i see that have found someone to love who accepts it. i was seeing a great guy for 6 1/2 yrs . we have taken a temporary break to find ourselves (my choice) and i had a fling. we used condoms but i got it anyway. the guy said he didn't even know he had it. now i have to face the fact that i too will have to soon tell someone very special to me that i have H. i hope he understands and still loves me. If he doesn't then he's not the guy i thought he was. i hope you find the courage to be honest as soon as possible with this man of yours. and i hope he is all that he sounds like and is there for you in every way he can be.

in regards to always having protected sex. i can't say from any experience, but from all i have read you can have unprotected sex if you are in a relationship that is long term and you are very in tune with your body and when an OB is comming on. they say that there is a chance that even if you are not having an OB that you can still pass it on, but he has to be ready and willing for this possibilty.

My advice is to try to bring it up when you are ready and relaxed and informed. if you are calm about it then it won't be as scary for him. give him the information and let him have some time to read it and think for a while if he can be in this kind of a relationship. i wish you all the best. please let me know how it goes , or if you want to chat, i am here.

[tiggs]

Hey

I am also in my mid twenties and just got it about a month ago. I got it from my boyfriend. He had not had a cold sore in 8 months but I still ended up with vaginal herpes even though he never had an outbreak. We are still together but I am having a really tough time with it as we aren't having sex and I am not even kissing him at the moment because I am not sure I want cold sores. I am pretty bumd about it and so is he.

I wish you all the best with telling your other partner and I agree with feelialone that you should tell your man. I find that it has been nice atleast having two people who know (boyfriend and roommate). I am also really worried about telling my next partner about what I have and still feel on a regular basis that I might as well just throw in the towel as far as intimate relationships go.

I hope that both of you continue to write. It is nice to know that there are people out there in the same situation. Thanks for sharing your stories.

[tiggs]

Hey

I am also in my mid twenties and just got it about a month ago. I got it from my boyfriend. He had not had a cold sore in 8 months but I still ended up with vaginal herpes even though he never had an outbreak. We are still together but I am having a really tough time with it as we aren't having sex and I am not even kissing him at the moment because I am not sure I want cold sores. I am pretty bumd about it and so is he.

I wish you all the best with telling your other partner and I agree with feelialone that you should tell your man. I find that it has been nice atleast having two people who know (boyfriend and roommate). I am also really worried about telling my next partner about what I have and still feel on a regular basis that I might as well just throw in the towel as far as intimate relationships go.

I hope that both of you continue to write. It is nice to know that there are people out there in the same situation. Thanks for sharing your stories.

[scaredinohayo]

Thanks for responding.

After I wrote this, I did have a nice long chat with my current boyfriend and even tho we are still scared, he is complelty ok with it and doesn't feel any differently about me now than he did before. Since we are waiting until marriage and all, we really haven't talked about the whole sex thing, but I guess we will when that time comes.

I decided to tell my ex, who I think I got it from, but I decided I have to tell him in person. I am still risking him telling people or spreading rumours, but I decided to take that chance for the future women he is with. Besides, I don't know why he would tell anyone when he is most likely the one who gave it to me! So, I'm waiting for him to email me back.

Am I still a little unsure about having H? Very much so. It still really freaks me out. But its something that I'm just going to have to accept and learn how to control, cause I don't know about you guys but I NEVER want another outbreak like the one I had before.

Thanks again and keep posting!

[feelinalone]

so glad for you

hey

to scaredinohayo

I'm really glad you had the courage to tell your boyfriend. now aren't you glad that he is so great and it is out in the open. also i think it is a good idea to tell your ex in person. that way he can't hang up the phone or not acknowledge what you are saying. i hope he is decent and doesn't try to slander you but if anyone does bring it up, just tell them the truth and they will know who is right. i hope my secret comes out as well for me as for you.

to tiggs

Glad you wrote too. the more people i hear from the better. even the bad stories because then i am not so alone. i really hope that you can work it out and if not that you find someone who can.

Also i don't know if certain drugs are available to you but there are lots that not only reduce the likelyhood of OB's but also the likelyhood of shedding which sounds like how you got it. i think they say people who outbreak less are more likely to shed so this would probably help if you or both of you tried this. if you care about each other its worth a try, and if you think it will end anyway then at least you are making it safer for your next partner, and i'm sure that he will appreciate that.

I hope you both keep in touch. its nice to hear from someone i can relate to. i will keep you updated with any news from here. although i don't think i have the courage to tell him quite yet. i know it will devistate him that i was with someone else. i think that news might be worse that telling him i have H.

anyway. good chatting . thanks for writing

P.S. have either of you told any family members? If so, how did they react and how did you tell them. I am really torn to open up to my mom. We are very close and i'm sure she would be there. but i just don't know how i should tell her, or if it's best to tell as little people as possible, and just leave it on a need to know basis. what do you think?

thanx