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the waiting game

needstotalk

By needstotalk,
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needstotalk Newbie

needstotalk

Posted
Posted

this site has been a huge help to me already! I have had H for almost 7 years. I got it from a guy who never told me he had it, and I'm pretty sure that I gave it to my ex-husband (before we got married-the divorce wasn't because of that). I have had to tell 3 guys since my divorce, and have had good reactions, including a one-year relationship where we always used condoms and he never contracted it as far as I know. Well, I have started dating a new guy and things have been going really slow, so I hadn't contemplated telling him yet. But I just spent the night with him and should've realized that things would get intimate, but I hadn't prepped myself to deal with the H discussion. Soooo, I had sex with him (using condoms) and without telling him about my "problem." I have probably 3-4 outbreaks a year and they are minor, so I sometimes "forget" that I even have it. I have absolutely no symptoms and felt like he'd be safe with using a condom. I was wrong to not tell him until after I returned home, instead of before we got intimate. He didn't say much, but definitely seemed stunned and was really worried about whether he could've contracted it even though we used condoms. He'd never dealt with anything like this before, and I'd never had a reaction like his. I feel terrible that I didn't tell him ahead of time! I explained things as best I could (both medical stuff & my own personal experience) and then e-mailed him later with some websites that addressed some of his questions/concerns. The real reason I'm writing is that I have been spoiled in the reactions I've had in the past (one guy had an STD himself, another guy's ex-girlfriend had H, so he'd already dealt with it...) and I'm now freaking out & worried for the first time about H affecting my relationships negatively for the rest of my life unless I end up with someone with HSV themself! I'm now playing the waiting game to see if he wants to still go out with me, and it's made me incredibly insecure and now I'm gun-shy in thinking about continuing to date other people. I really just wanted to get this off my chest because I feel totally insecure about dealing with the "H discussion" now. I know I can't call him until he lets it sink in & hopefully will call me. Should I put dating (him and/or others) on hold until I get over this huge insecurity now and am hopefully one day not so gun-shy?

Thanks to all of you for this site, because I was freaking out and didn't have anyone to talk to about this before I found this site!

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cloud9r Honeycomb Member

cloud9r

Posted
Posted

Don't worry, what happened isn't that big of a deal and I'm sure it happens all the time. It's a very good thing that you used protection.

But, I'm not here to tell you what to do. Do what you feel is right. I don't think the guy you mentioned has much to worry about. He should be in the clear as long as you weren't having an outbreak at the time. But i'm not psychic.

Before you do anything you might want to see what comes of your situation with the guy you mentioned. He might want to stay with you regardless. Probably just give him some time to sort through a few things then call and talk to him if he doesn't call you first.

But do what you feel is right.

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Gracie Honeycomb Member

Gracie

Posted
Posted

You're right - you've been very lucky in your past relationships that the guys were so accepting of herpes. I know how you feel about almost forgetting you have it - when you have almost no outbreaks or very mild ones, herpes is NO big deal (if only everyone would understand that). When you have to tell someone new, that's when it gets stressful and the feelings of insecurity start creeping back. I'm not saying it was ok to sleep with him and not tell him, but what's done is done and it's great that you told him right away. There's nothing much you can do for now, let him read about it, talk to his doctor, talk to you and make his own decision. I hope things turn out the way you want them to!

My advice to you is DON'T, by any means, let the insecurity and fear take over! You've got the right attitude now - herpes is NO big deal. Anyone who makes it into a big deal isn't worth your time, so just move on. Keep a level head, be responsible, and be matter-of-fact when you tell a new partner. Don't be afraid to tell, rejection happens to the best of us and you'll have plenty of people here to support you if it happens to you (I hope not though). Be strong, don't let other people's insecurity become yours - it's not worth it!

Gracie :wink:

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scared_dood Newbie

scared_dood

Posted
Posted
Don't worry' date=' what happened isn't that big of a deal and I'm sure it happens all the time. It's a very good thing that you used protection.[/quote']

Im sorry,but it is a big deal.When you sleep with someone knowing that you could jepordize there health and change there lives for the worse,I consider that a big deal.

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cloud9r Honeycomb Member

cloud9r

Posted
Posted

Ok, look buddy. Who's in trouble here - me or her? I was simply trying to make her feel a little better. I think she knows what she did was wrong. I think we all understand that this IS a big deal and we shouldn't sleep with anyone without telling them first. I chose bad wording. Just relax before you cause an outbreak.

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