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the waiting game


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this site has been a huge help to me already! I have had H for almost 7 years. I got it from a guy who never told me he had it, and I'm pretty sure that I gave it to my ex-husband (before we got married-the divorce wasn't because of that). I have had to tell 3 guys since my divorce, and have had good reactions, including a one-year relationship where we always used condoms and he never contracted it as far as I know. Well, I have started dating a new guy and things have been going really slow, so I hadn't contemplated telling him yet. But I just spent the night with him and should've realized that things would get intimate, but I hadn't prepped myself to deal with the H discussion. Soooo, I had sex with him (using condoms) and without telling him about my "problem." I have probably 3-4 outbreaks a year and they are minor, so I sometimes "forget" that I even have it. I have absolutely no symptoms and felt like he'd be safe with using a condom. I was wrong to not tell him until after I returned home, instead of before we got intimate. He didn't say much, but definitely seemed stunned and was really worried about whether he could've contracted it even though we used condoms. He'd never dealt with anything like this before, and I'd never had a reaction like his. I feel terrible that I didn't tell him ahead of time! I explained things as best I could (both medical stuff & my own personal experience) and then e-mailed him later with some websites that addressed some of his questions/concerns. The real reason I'm writing is that I have been spoiled in the reactions I've had in the past (one guy had an STD himself, another guy's ex-girlfriend had H, so he'd already dealt with it...) and I'm now freaking out & worried for the first time about H affecting my relationships negatively for the rest of my life unless I end up with someone with HSV themself! I'm now playing the waiting game to see if he wants to still go out with me, and it's made me incredibly insecure and now I'm gun-shy in thinking about continuing to date other people. I really just wanted to get this off my chest because I feel totally insecure about dealing with the "H discussion" now. I know I can't call him until he lets it sink in & hopefully will call me. Should I put dating (him and/or others) on hold until I get over this huge insecurity now and am hopefully one day not so gun-shy?

Thanks to all of you for this site, because I was freaking out and didn't have anyone to talk to about this before I found this site!

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Don't worry, what happened isn't that big of a deal and I'm sure it happens all the time. It's a very good thing that you used protection.

But, I'm not here to tell you what to do. Do what you feel is right. I don't think the guy you mentioned has much to worry about. He should be in the clear as long as you weren't having an outbreak at the time. But i'm not psychic.

Before you do anything you might want to see what comes of your situation with the guy you mentioned. He might want to stay with you regardless. Probably just give him some time to sort through a few things then call and talk to him if he doesn't call you first.

But do what you feel is right.

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You're right - you've been very lucky in your past relationships that the guys were so accepting of herpes. I know how you feel about almost forgetting you have it - when you have almost no outbreaks or very mild ones, herpes is NO big deal (if only everyone would understand that). When you have to tell someone new, that's when it gets stressful and the feelings of insecurity start creeping back. I'm not saying it was ok to sleep with him and not tell him, but what's done is done and it's great that you told him right away. There's nothing much you can do for now, let him read about it, talk to his doctor, talk to you and make his own decision. I hope things turn out the way you want them to!

My advice to you is DON'T, by any means, let the insecurity and fear take over! You've got the right attitude now - herpes is NO big deal. Anyone who makes it into a big deal isn't worth your time, so just move on. Keep a level head, be responsible, and be matter-of-fact when you tell a new partner. Don't be afraid to tell, rejection happens to the best of us and you'll have plenty of people here to support you if it happens to you (I hope not though). Be strong, don't let other people's insecurity become yours - it's not worth it!

Gracie :wink:

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Don't worry' date=' what happened isn't that big of a deal and I'm sure it happens all the time. It's a very good thing that you used protection.[/quote']

Im sorry,but it is a big deal.When you sleep with someone knowing that you could jepordize there health and change there lives for the worse,I consider that a big deal.

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Ok, look buddy. Who's in trouble here - me or her? I was simply trying to make her feel a little better. I think she knows what she did was wrong. I think we all understand that this IS a big deal and we shouldn't sleep with anyone without telling them first. I chose bad wording. Just relax before you cause an outbreak.

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    • CHT
      Hi "firstimeuser".... let's see what "WilsoinAus" thinks but, for what's it worth, I don't see anything in your picture (or description) that looks like herpes..... it actually looks more like a scrape or follicle issue.... maybe even a bug bite.  Also, by the way, the odds of having HSV2 with an outbreak on your testicles is very low.... that is not a typical spot for an HSV2 outbreak.    Have your doctor take a look and if you want some peace of mind, get an IgG antibody test for HSV2 in about 12 weeks (takes that long for antibodies to develop).... but, again, I don't think you have anything to worry about here.... just not seeing anything herpes-related here.    take care....best of luck.
    • CHT
      Hi Marlena..... since you stated you've had "herpes on the lips" then you likely have oral HSV1, which the majority of adults worldwide have... the fact your results for HSV1/2 are positive (at least I believe that's what your results show - I don't speak Polish but, I think I'm seeing your results are positive based on the attachment you included) may simply be reading the fact that you have HSV1.... the question is whether you've contracted HSV2 in your genital area. Your description of symptoms could possibly be related to HSV but, it's difficult to verify with certainty based on your description. You may also have contracted a different type of sexually transmitted infection (STI) or a simple fungal infection.   Your doctor does not believe what he/she is seeing is HSV but, unless your doctor has experience with HSV, they could easily misdiagnose your condition.  You need full STI testing. Do you have the option to travel to a larger city in Poland where you could get an appointment to be seen by a doctor with more experience with STIs?  You really need to have an experienced doctor take a look and run tests to check specifically for HSV2 as well as other STIs.  If they can rule out HSV2 or other STIs then hopefully they can then determine what is causing the redness, itching, and swollen condition.... again, it may not be HSV2 but, you need proper testing to verify.  Have you talked to your boyfriend about all this?  Has he had any symptoms on his genitals that are suspect?  Has he taken any tests to check for STIs?   I hope you can get more definitive testing so you know what you are dealing with and how best to treat it.  If you have any other questions/concerns, please come back and let us know.... I hope this helps a little.... best of luck.... take care.
    • CHT
      Hey Jeremy.... I know only too well that emotional pain you are feeling.... I really do.... and many of us on this site also know that pain.  It's not so much the physical side of having HSV that hurts, it's the stigma and risk of rejection that stings like hell!  You have to do what you think is right as it relates to when you disclose your HSV status when getting to know someone romantically.... I just think it's best to do it relatively early, and certainly before any sexual activity.   Have you looked into dating sites that cater to those with HSV?  I know others have had some luck with meeting partners on these sites.... you don't have to worry about the "disclosure" talk nor would you obviously have to worry about passing along a virus the other person already has.... take a few minutes and search around and see if it's an option you like. By the way, by taking your daily antiviral med and using a condom, your risk of passing along the virus is down around 1.9%.... pretty good odds that if you stick to your regimen you are very unlikely to transmit the virus....keep that in mind when you meet your next girlfriend and need to have "the talk."  That statistic might help calm any concerns about contracting the virus from you. I hope you don't give up.... as tough as it can be to find the right partner, it's still worth trying.... try to stay optimistic and look into some alternate options and see what happens.... all the best.... take care.
    • FirstTimeUser
      @WilsoInAuswould appreciate your thoughts as have seen you comment quite a bit before!
    • Marlena
      Good morning. My name is Marlena and I come from Poland. Sorry, my English is average. For two years I have been in a relationship with a man, for a year and a half I have been struggling with intimate problems. On average, my intimate condition is getting worse every month. Then I feel itching, redness, swelling around the entrance to the vagina, small blisters (not always). Most often it is only red and swollen, itches and then disappears. This state lasts 3-4 days. I come from a small town, doctors don't know what it is. They say it's 'skin irritation'. They prescribe moisturizing creams with lactic acid, probiotics. It doesn't help. I did a blood test for HSV on my own, which is very expensive in Poland, but it does not separate HSV1 from HSV2. The doctor, when he shows these results, says that it's not herpes, but irritation. I would like to add that in the past I suffered from herpes on the lips, then it was a 'scab'. There has never been a scab in an intimate area. Sometimes there are blisters that last 1-2 days, but not always. So what do high blood test results mean? I would like to add that in Poland people do not talk about the HSV virus. It's just that sometimes someone has it on their lips and that's it. Results translation: IgM HSV 1/2: questionable IgG HSV 1/2: result above the measuring range https://files.fm/f/4cpu7uee4  
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