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Ok, lets get some advice on my situation


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Well, I have been living with Herpes for 4 years + now. My first BF, was probably the coolest about it. He was educated and educated himself on it as soon as I told him. It was hard because I didn't know the disease very well or how it would so take a toll on my body. I had constant OB's, constant pain that I just dealt with really. Each time it got a little easier, maybe 4 times have I had a really bad one. Just to let everyone know, we never used condoms, but were always careful as far as washing ourselves, and I we wouldn't have sex if I had even a tingle. He never got it.

Then I met my next boyfriend, who wasn't that understanding. He said he was and he maybe read 2 articles on it. That is not educating yourself. I did my best to do it, but he was really mean about it. I should have just left him a long time before I did, but he used the fact that I had herpes, and the fact that I keep quiet about it as a tool to get to me. He really hurt me, and sometimes I think it is because of what I have. Well lets say, he never contracted it either, as mean as he was about me having it.

Now I am seeing this guy that I really like. So I made the huge mistake of getting too tipsy the night we had sex. Since then, I have been able to avoid the whole sexual encounter thing, until I am ready to tell him. I am not ready to tell him right now, mainly because of the previous reaction I got and how it hurt to tell him. I am mainly just embarrased, scared, and grossed out about how I got it (I was raped, so it wasn't anything I could protect myself from). So, because I haven't really let all those facts about me out, I just am very scared that he won't want to talk to me anymore. I really like him and we have had a lot of fun, I want him to get to know me a lot better, before I have to tell him, just so that he knows that is such a little thing.

How and when do you bring this up? What are some easier "ice breaker" ways to even approach the subject? Where can I find good information to give him so that he can be fully imformed on the whole thing.

thanks for reading and listening


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this is what I tried

to yesI havethecurse

sympathies, this really does feel like a curse, but we have got to make sure it doesnt wreck our lives.

I recently started dating a guy & wanted to be up front with him about the fact that I have herpes, I knew that I would find this really difficult to do face to face, so I let him know whilst we were emailing. He'd asked me what I'd been doing that day & I told him I'd been on the net looking at these herpes discussion sites, as thats someting that I get to live with. It was the first time i've had to tell someone like that as I've only recently had my first OB. Anyway, he mentioned it when we saw each other & we didnt really discuss it, but at least I had told him. He still wanted to have sex with me & now I am nervous incase it gets it too. I has taked some of the fun out of lovemaking for me.

but like I say, I remain hopeful that by being honest & keeping healthy then its not going to ruin my life...any more adfvice on how to tell a partner in an u[p front & honest way, but without freaking them out would be appreciated.

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HI: I found out I have genital herpes 4 month ago, since then I have not been able to date anyone and I have let go of dates. However, I'm interesting on dating this person and I dont know how to explain her without losing her :cry: What should I do?

Thank you,

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  • 2 weeks later...

well...sheesh...this is the first night i have been on the forum....i feel better already. like...i am not alone. i have been diagnosed for three to four months. i had a small outbreak...just one little tiny bump...but i knew it was weird...not like anything i had ever had before.

i was dating someone...for eight months, when i had my first ob. we broke up two months ago. i have decided to date again. i have two dates this week.

here's what i figure....there is nothing i can do about the herpes. i have it now and i will have it when i die. i have to accept that. second, i have to be strong about telling men. i really want to be in a place where i say..."oh well...if he doesnt accept it....he is not the guy for me." i just think it is a crap shoot. who out there has the right to judge this? anybody can get it. you can get it even if you use a condom. i think the secret is being honest, finding the right person, practicing safe sex, timing, and being postive about it when you tell the person.

thank you for listening....i dont know if i have helped anyone, but i think what is happening to me as i write...is that i am working through my own feelings about this stupid virus. :roll:

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Update on my post

Well well well, I will have to say that honesty is definitely the best policy. I wasn't able to tell this person that I had it before he found my pills and knew what they were. See the worst part was I already had sex with him once. Since just avoiding the whole thing, I think he was feeling a little bad, like it was him or something. I felt so bad like a deer caught in a headlights. I was going to tell him that day, but I wish I was able to do it rather than him just finding out not in the best way.

So, I still haven't had much of a chance to talk to him. He was hurt of course cause I kept it from him (who wouldn't be). I feel sooooo terrible about lying to him. I haven't been able to tell him all I want to tell him. We were with my little 4 year old and I just didn't want her listening to it honestly. He at least knew that 1 in 4 have it and he didn't want it. I lied to him that is the bottom line. About something very important. If he never talks to me, I deserve it. Honestly I wish I could just find a man who had it too. So if 1 in 4 of us have it where are you people!!!!!!!

Anyway, thought i would update this post. I know I am not the only one in this situation, and I know how it so messes with our heads. So, all in my situation, be honest first, no matter how hard it is, they will be more understanding before the choice to have sex rather than taking that choice away from them.

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I found out about 2 weeks after I was intimate with the guy I had been dating. I told him the very next day. A few days later, he told me that he was not going to leave me, and that we were in this thing together. 2 weeks ago, everything hit the fan. For some reason or another, he had put this thing out of his mind. We continued to be intimate with one another and I thought that he accepted this thing and the risks that went along with it. He apologized saying that he had not accepted it and that if he had led me on, he was sorry. I thought that he had gotten tested when I first found out about this thing. He told me that his doctor told him that he would know if he had contracted it. I again reminded him that there are millions of people out there who don't know that they have this thing. He finally went and got tested. I called him this morning and he told me that he got his tests back--he has herpes. He told me not to worry about it because this is something that he could have had before me. I don't think so. To say that I feel dirty is saying the least. I don't think that this is something that this relationship will be able to survive.

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jayc...he's right...he could have had it before he met you. there is no way to tell. people have it and dont know they have it. both of you could have had it. he could have had it, been carrying it without symptoms, and given it to you. that is what happened to me with my ex boyfriend. we had been dating about five mos. when i had my first outbreak. it was very mild...but i know it was the first ob because i had never had anything like it before...that feeling.

at first i thought i was me...like it had been dormant in me...then i thought...well, it could have been him...maybe he was dormant and was shedding the virus. neither one of us had symptoms before. so...who knows? i do think though....that it might have been him...because i broke out two days after we had sex....kinda weird about the timing. like...if i had it before him...why would i happen to break out two days after sex??

i will never know for sure....

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The only thing that I know for sure is that I did not get this from him. I had taken the test a couple of weeks before we were intimate. The day I found out, I immediately told him and I told him to get tested. He went to the doctors and they told him in essence that if he had it he would know. So, they did not test him for it. I guess what really hurts other than my feeling that I gave this to him, is that for 4 months, I thought that he had accepted me, was ok with what I had, knew the risks, and still wanted to be with me because we were still intimate. 2 Weeks ago, I found out that this was not the case. When I say that I don't think that we can make it through this, I mean that I don't know what is real with this person. I'd much rather be with someone who is able to say this is what I want and not act as though they want it, when their reality says otherwise.

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Hi all,

I do not have "H" however, my boyfriend does have it. If you have the time check out my post that is entitiled "I accept YOU as YOU are. Boyfriend infected". I want you to know that while I do not suffer from it physically, I am on the other side of the coin here, the side that alot of you seem to fear. I will tell you this: what ever you do, how ever bad the stakes seem...don't give up on finding love. THere are people out there that WILL love you for who you are. It is almost like Herpes gives people an 'out', when in fact that is not the sole reason why they may have left you. I can't imagine what it must be like emotionally to have it. but I will be living with it when I move to Italy to be with my boyfriend next year (and in September of this year) and all I can say is that if you believe that you will find someone who loves you just as you are ...you most likely will. Rather than thinking that there is a scarce number of us in the world who will regect you...maybe just for today think about the fact that there very well just may be an abundance of people out there who will love me just as I am. You know that's what you want to believe...so believe it! YOu will attract it, no doubt about it. If you want that in your life right now but don;t have it.....create it. Write a in a journal about who you picture this person to be and how they will accept this. If you believe, life can bring you a bigger dream than you ever thought possible.

Goodluck and try to stay positive.

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Hi Plumeria, thank you :) I am starting to put the pieces back together and I have talked to my ex. He was very reasuring about everything. He has been reading up about this and told me that he could have very well have had this thing all along. He told me that he has often had cold sores. He said that I need to get past this guilt because I did not keep this from him, I told him as soon as I found out about it. I am going to move on with my life. I believe that I will find love and it will be with someone who is likeminded. When I go through the relationship that we had, I come to the same conclusion that we did not want the same things out of life. I do, however, need to overcome my feelings that my world is somehow now limited. In time, I know that I will be back to my same self. This is not a death sentence, its just a "gift" that makes me want to take things slow and not rush in.

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Write a in a journal about who you picture this person to be and how they will accept this. If you believe, life can bring you a bigger dream than you ever thought possible.

Great advice Plumeria! that's exactly what I did a year ago.... and in February got together with my wonderful boyfriend who is everything I asked the universe to send me. writing it down really does help create it.

Thank you for your post :D

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Sounds like you get it.

Hey CindyLouWho,

Sounds like you are girl who "gets it". Good for you and keep up the believing! Isnt' it amazing what comes to you if you just ask and be open and patient to how the universe responds? You are an encouraging force.


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No limits

Hi Jayc007,

You wrote: "I do, however, need to overcome my feelings that my world is somehow now limited."

The world is SO not limited. There are people out there who will recognize all of the wonderful qualities that you and other people with "H" possess. Have you ever bought a car and then seen that car everywhere? Well, you see the car that you have all of a sudden noticed popping up everywhere is one that has been there all along....in abundance, you just never noticed as you were too busy concentrating on something else. In other words it was the 'reality' or 'notion' or 'belief' of that car in the forefront of your mind that attracted your mind to only seeing THAT car. In other words, what we believe to be 'true' shall be. If you believe that there is a scarcity out there of people who won;t accept you, then for some strange reason (and this is the way the universe tends to work), you will attract that. However, if you believe that people WILL accept you and that while yes this is a slight change in lifestyle from an intimate standpoint, it is NO way impairing you from LIFE itself.

Try to entertain the possibility (well it is a fact actually), that there are MANY people (I am one fo them) who do not have "H", and will gladly educate themselves on it BEFORE they make any decision about leaving. In my opinion, that will NOT be the reason for them leaving you. I n other words, it would have been something else if it wasn't "H".

Looking at it as a gift: Well, you are a little evolved person aren't you! THAT is exactly the way one can look at it. ANd you know what, if you do look at it like that, then a gift it shall be. You will attract someone in your life who, won't mess you around or lead you up the garden path. It is almost like a "looser detecter", one that we non-"H" sufferers don't have!! So, yes it is a gift in that sense. Furthermore, I feel that "H" has brought my boyfriend and I closer together -faster! Sharing this information up front is 'alot'. Once I was able to digest it , educate myself about it WITHOUT making him feel bad about having it....I was like yeah, this is going to be okay. Real love is real. If i ever left my boyfriend (which will be highly unlikely), he can rest assured that it has nothing to do wth "H".

One other pointer: I have been studying Architecture and we have had to look at a study for designing institutions for 'disabled persons' and 'visions impaired persons'. These people are so brave. I had to experience what it was like to be in a wheel chair for the day and wear these terrible glasses that prevented me from seeing. Also, I have a friend in NYC (I am an aussie) and she is 29 (like me), attractive, active woman. SHe falls off a ladder that she was standing on to paint her walls, lands on her head and is now a in a wheel chair with total loss of all of her motor skills and has to have a care taker lift her out of bed every morning.

I realise that it is your situation that you only know that is the worst for you. But compare that to what you have and can still do. THANK GOD you only get a few little blisters every now and again and can still live a normal life. Trust me, people who are smart won;t let this come between you and them. If they do, you have to ask yourself if they are really worthi it? WOuld they stand by you in WORSE times? Probably not.

Believe that you are WORTH it. Don;t ever just settle! ANYTHING is possible if you believe.


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    • CHT
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    • CHT
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    • FirstTimeUser
      @WilsoInAuswould appreciate your thoughts as have seen you comment quite a bit before!
    • Marlena
      Good morning. My name is Marlena and I come from Poland. Sorry, my English is average. For two years I have been in a relationship with a man, for a year and a half I have been struggling with intimate problems. On average, my intimate condition is getting worse every month. Then I feel itching, redness, swelling around the entrance to the vagina, small blisters (not always). Most often it is only red and swollen, itches and then disappears. This state lasts 3-4 days. I come from a small town, doctors don't know what it is. They say it's 'skin irritation'. They prescribe moisturizing creams with lactic acid, probiotics. It doesn't help. I did a blood test for HSV on my own, which is very expensive in Poland, but it does not separate HSV1 from HSV2. The doctor, when he shows these results, says that it's not herpes, but irritation. I would like to add that in the past I suffered from herpes on the lips, then it was a 'scab'. There has never been a scab in an intimate area. Sometimes there are blisters that last 1-2 days, but not always. So what do high blood test results mean? I would like to add that in Poland people do not talk about the HSV virus. It's just that sometimes someone has it on their lips and that's it. Results translation: IgM HSV 1/2: questionable IgG HSV 1/2: result above the measuring range https://files.fm/f/4cpu7uee4  
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