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ktf

Met a new guy, been dating, advice needed

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ktf

I met a guy about a month ago. He has a lot of qualities that I like. He's funny, etc. I told him that I am looking for a committed relationship. He said that he wants that to, but that sex is imp. before the relationship begins. I don't agree.

A few more dates, a couple of times it came to the point where we could sleep together and didn't. I told him I want to wait. Then, I don't hear from him for a week. Mind you, I haven't mentioned the big news yet. He called a week later wanting to get together. My thoughts were that he didn't call b/c I would not sleep with him. Of course, it was b/c of other reasons.

I like him, but I fear rejection and being talked about. Should I tell him that I am not interested to make this easier for me? Please help!!

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littlemac

Hello:

Almost sounds like the same situation that I am going to be in one day. I myself don't like to lie. And if it come up later, you are going to look real bad. Telling the truth hurts more then telling lies. Feeling rejected really hurts. You fear that? A president once said, "All we have to fear is fear itself". Take that to heart. I just know I could not be in a relationship with someone living a lie. It would tear me down. It sounds like it is heavy on your heart too.

Littlemac

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ktf

You're right. I am very vulnerable right now and all I think about is this disease. I really want to get over this and be happy again. I feel my best when I don't think about it.

I've known this guy for a month. We have been on about 4/5 dates. Have I waited too long to tell him or am I still ok?

I won't let it go there without telling him first. But, about what you said this being "heavy on my heart", you hit the nail on the head. I have this gut feeling that he will run the other way if I tell him.

I know that time will heal, but waiting is the tough part. At this point, I feel that I should tell him I am not interested. That way, I can focus on my approach in dealing and accepting this first.

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LifesADance

If you feel like you haven't been able to accept herpes as a part of your life and being yet then you can't put yourself into a position to ask another person to accept that. I think maybe you should tell him that it is bad timing. Maybe things could work out later. Good luck! The right thing to do is usually not the easiest.

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mela87

i agree with the above post. if you cannot accept your condition, then how can you ask someone else to accept it. acceptance is something that takes time. unfortunatly i know what it is like to finally find someone you like and have to give the talk. not very fun. if you feel that your ready to tell, do your research, have answers ready for each question he may have. maybe practice with a friend, and have them pretend to do a good response as weel as a negative one. i found that helped me alot. good luck!!

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happyandhopeful

The one positive thing I have found about having this virus is that it forces us to think about who we are having sex with. When I was younger, I would go home with someone without even knowing their last name. Now that I have this, and got it from someone I loved and trusted, I have to really know and 100% trust the person before jumping in bed with them. I recently told the guy I was dating (probably too soon, only about 3 weeks in), and he is taking time to process it right now...I'm not very hopeful that he will want to continue a relationship, but he told me my secret is safe, and that if I ever needed a friend he would be there. So it sucks that I lost the guy I was interested in, but if he can't handle this, I can't blame him. You have to decide whether or not you trust the person that you are telling to not judge you and to also not spread it around. If after a month or so you can't tell whether or not you can tell him your secret, he's probably not worth telling and probably not someone you should be with. If you do decide to tell him, you have to be prepared for him to walk away, but just know that Prince Charming would never walk away...if he does, then he's not the one God has picked out for you. Good luck!!

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backinloveagain

Amen to that Happyandhopeful! I am learning to accept it just that way. If he is the one God has chosen for you, he will not leave! Being reminded to think of it this way lifts my spirits.

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chilla

I'm gonna keep it a 100% with you

This is how I feel about guys that say they need to taste the milk before they buy the cow...PUNKS! JERKS! LAMES! LOL!...they're not worth it. You should NEVER EVER allow a man to make you feel bad about not having sex with him. Sex comes whenever both ppl are ready, and which in your case, is whenever you trust him enough to tell him your status. Whenever I feel pressured now, I just say to myself..."Well he can get over it, I'll break him off when I'm good and ready to." LOL!...To be honest, giving myself a pep talk helps keep me feeling good about myself and keeps me focused on what's important...(shoot if nobody else tells me i'm sexy at least I will;) )...

but fa real...if he can't wait, then he wasn't meant to be blessed with your body,your mind, your soul, or your love...The most precious things you have...he has to prove himself worthy of those things and you don't give it to him a second before he does just that.

So if he can't pick up the phone, that right there shows you made the right decision in not givin in. He has only proved himself to be childish so far and not ready for u, and don't wait around for him to grow up. If he doesn't want a relationship fine, give him the dueces and keep it movin. Life is too short and while you looking at him, the man for you maybe standing right next to you and you can't see him cuz you stuck on that fool.

And that's how i feel lol...

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angellady

If a guy leaves you because you didn't have sex with him within a month, he's definitely not worth it. He just wants sex and that's it.

I totally agree with happyandhopeful. That's how I view dating now.

ktf, waiting 1-3 months I think is fine before telling someone you have H. It all depends on the situation. Only you know if the guy is worth telling and sticking around. If you think he's not mature enough, then move on.

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gotitsowhat

Forget about the herpes....

I would be more concerned that this guy violates your core values. The decision to have sex before a relationship evolves seems to reflect HIS core values, not yours. Believing that a relationship needs to be there before sexual relations would be meaningful is a serious core value. You told him what you believe about these things and he ignored you and insisted that his way is how it should go. You should not let a guy compromise your moral values and emotional needs. That is more important than worrying about informing him of your hsv status.

However, if you do decide to have sex with him, then tell him first, of course. "Before we go any farther, I think I need to let you know that I carry the herpes simplex virus and there is always a small chance of transmission although we can take precautions to minimize it."

But I would think twice about being intimate with someone who doesn't share your values and attitudes.

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