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findingpanda

new guy is really worried

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findingpanda

I have known the guy I am currently long-distance dating for around 6 years as a very close friend. I told him before we even started visiting each other that I have genital herpes.

The last time we saw each other we did everything but sex. He tells me now that he is really scared that he now has herpes, and now doesn't even feel comfortable fingering me or receiving oral from me. It makes me feel like I'm a toxic human being and that I will never experience sex again (the person I got herpes from was my first and last boyfriend).

I try to tell him there is only a small risk of me giving it to him via him fingering me, or me performing oral on him since I am on Valtrex.

Should I just move on from this guy, even though I know we care about each other very much? It just makes me feel awful that he's so scared of getting herpes from me. I can't even seem to convince him about the low chances of me passing it on to him. Please help. This has been KILLING me.

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LifesADance

I know JUST how you are feeling!! I told a guy and he said he couldn't be with me. Weeks later he came back, we talked more about the risk and he said he was ready, we had sex. Now he's shut me out since then to have some time to freak out. I too feel like a toxic human being (thats putting it well, I couldn't put my own words to it!). Everyone has told me he doesn't seem to be considering my feelings as he is having his "freak out" and asking for time. That sounds like the same case as yours, although yours is even harder as you have known this guy for so long.

I'm right there with you as far as understanding that maybe they need to freak, I'd probably do the same had I been in that situation. BUT we can't let ourselves give in to not being treated as we should just because we have herpes. We deserve the best. What I intend to do and what I hope you get the opportunity to do is sit down and talk to your guy and tell him how he's made you feel the past however long its been. My guy said he'd talk to me this weekend (which I'm thinking... why can't you talk to me now? I'm sick of not knowing what you are feeling, where you stand!). They are going to have to show, not just say, that they have considered our feelings too while they were off on their own worrying.

I wish you the best! I believe if you can have that talk you will either get the reassurance or closure you need. If he continues to blow you off, he's DEFINITELY not worth it and the only closure you'll need from that is to tell him you're over wasting time on him.

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findingpanda

LifesADance,

Thank you so much for your reply! Tonight has been especially hard for me to calm down and think positive thoughts.

I totally agree with you-- open communication and "having the talk" is something that seemingly only happens according to the guy's willingness. I feel like I'm being annoying when I keep bringing it up.

It's almost like me and this guy have to do a play-by-play about what are going to do sexually. I'm almost ready to tell him that yes, we can see each other, but I don't want to live by a list of intimate actions that he believes are the safest (he is SO PARANOID). So maybe just cutting off all intimate action would be easiest for my sanity... and his?

Herpes is so hard because it's like you could be shedding at anytime. There's really no "guarantee" of being safe. I feel so helpless even after visiting a doctor, getting pamphlets, etc... it's like every piece of information doesn't even come close to reassuring him... because there's always that chance.

Thanks again for your reply. it really meant a lot.

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happyandhopeful

It sounds like both you and the guy need to do some research. Yes, if he fingers you there is a chance that he could get whitlows on his fingers but he cannot get genital herpes from fingering you. Also, for him to get whitlows I believe you would need to be having an outbreak. And I may not be an expert, but unless you have oral herpes (cold sores) there's no way for him to get herpes from you giving him oral sex either. If you are taking valtrex and using a condom, the chances of transmitting it are very slim, but if he made the decision to hook up with you knowing you have this virus, the freakout and the problem are on him. You did your job by telling him and letting him make the decision. If this guy can't handle it you will find another one who can. And you will have sex again. :)

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findingpanda

HappyAndHopeful,

Thanks for your response... it is comforting to know that I learn even more information from these boards. Your last sentence really cheered me up. :)

My guy is worried that if he fingers me and touches his penis, he could get my HSV-2. I just don't know what to say to him! I also told him it's a slim chance for me to give it to him via oral... but it's like he doesn't want to risk anything with me. He told me if we lived in the same town it would be a different situation and he would go further with me. It's just heartbreaking as it is now.

you're right, if this guy can't deal... I should begin a search for a new guy that can. I simply can't standing thinking about how this guy is scared to touch me even though he says he likes me a lot! So frustrating. :\

thanks again for the information and your support, all the best to you.

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solvingtheproblem

the hypocrisy

Here's the irony:

The statistical chances of an HSV2+ female transmitting to an HSV2- male while taking all precautions (abstaining during an outbreak, using supressive valtrex and condoms) = 1%

The statistical chances of a female getting pregnant while on the pill = 1%

Both have their own brand of life-long consequences (regardless of the pregnancy outcome) -- but for some reason, women don't freak out about the possibility of getting pregnant every time they have sex. Can you imagine how men would react if we did? But somehow it's "permissible" for guys who knowingly enter into an H+ sexual situation to freak out and become distant, rude, etc. It's ridiculous.

Oh, and here's my own personal guess:

The chances these guys have been tested for HSV2 = 0%

Until a person has been tested themselves, they really don't have any right to pass judgment on anyone with H -- whether that is flat-out rudeness, or the more subtle post-sex-freak-out. They could very well already have it.

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findingpanda

solvingtheproblem,

WOW, thank you! I love how you put it that way... it really puts everything into perspective. I sort of want to copy and paste it and just send it to my guy... I don't know how he will react. Thanks so much for the information. This is the exact kind of support I came here for.

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Now18

Until a person has been tested themselves, they really don't have any right to pass judgment on anyone with H -- whether that is flat-out rudeness, or the more subtle post-sex-freak-out. They could very well already have it.

t.

I told one friend who appeared to be supportive, and then she went home and did research on it. The next time I saw her the first thing she says to me when I open to door to pick her up: "You know, you're going to have to have a c-section if you ever want kids."

She's given me numerous lectures on what I should do with my life based on her "research." Like, "You'll find someone, but you're just going to have to make them fall in love with you before you have sex." And "If any of my friends got herpes I'm glad it's you. Because you don't date a lot so you won't spread it." And "No guy will ever have casual sex with you, but that's okay because you're not the casual sex type anyway. I'm not sure why you're even upset."

Of course... she's never been tested. Doesn't feel she should get tested because she doesn't sleep with "that type of guy." Before I got tested and I told her I was scared that I had an STD she laughed at me, and told some of our friends that I was a hypochondriac. Now there's a running joke among some of our friends "Remember when ___ thought she had herpes? hahaha." Yeah, ha ha ha I actually do. She's not my friend anymore.

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happyandhopeful

He definitely sounds very paranoid. Not that herpes is not a big deal, but if you have been diagnosed with HSV 2, you can't give him it from giving him oral. Aside from that I think something like 90% of the population has HSV1. So many people get cold sores, that he's probably had a girl give him oral who has had cold sores without even knowing that he has exposed himself to the same kind of virus that you have. Honestly, if he is this paranoid, imagine what it will be like to have sex with him!! It will be nerve wrecking for him and probably not very enjoyable for you. Being cautious and concerned is one thing, but it sounds like maybe this isn't the guy for you. If he can't handle it, move on to someone who can...just look at all the stories on this site where people tell and have a positive response from their partner!

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Lookonthesunnyside

Now18 - that actually made my jaw drop! I usually dont say this, but I hope your friend gets herpes and can gain some perspective on what its actually like. And yes, she absolutely does sleep with "that type of guy" if she's having sex at all, since that type of guy can be anyone! Wow! Have you ever called her out on being so insensitive? Also, how old is this girl? She sounds very immature.

And findingpanda - I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. But I think you need to take a stand. When he told you that he accepted you and wanted to be with you with the herpes, that shouldnt mean "i'll 'accept you' but make you feel like crap and constantly remind you that it is possible for me to get it". You deserve someone who's going to fully accept you. It reasonable for a partner to have their concerns, of course. But within reason. He cant be with you but not touch you, or touch you and then freak out and make you feel badly about yourself. Thats just not fair. He's being very very inconsiderate. Just because you have herpes doesnt mean you deserve to be treated like that. I think you can do waayy better girl! Dont settle for any crap. (Same to you LifesADance!) ;)

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Now18
When he told you that he accepted you and wanted to be with you with the herpes, that shouldnt mean "i'll 'accept you' but make you feel like crap and constantly remind you that it is possible for me to get it". You deserve someone who's going to fully accept you.

She's right... accepting it would mean that he was no longer worried about it. He's got to understand that there's a risk that he will get it and be okay with that.

And on the other topic, yes, I did tell that girl that she was insensitive. I'm no longer friends with her. I honestly don't know what her deal was, but I think she was jealous of me and maybe secretly happy to learn that I had an imperfection. I just don't think having herpes, gives someone else the right to act self-righteous towards you.

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findingpanda

Thanks for all of your support and advice, guys! I was going through a really rough time. Thankfully most of the negative feelings have passed. I'm still talking to the guy.. he is coming to visit me soon and we've talked about how far we're going to go this time. it's not far at all, and i'll still probably get sad about it... but I guess I'll have to live by that saying "the best things come to those who wait."

thanks again for your reply posts. i'm really glad I have this.

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