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lionhrt

Do you have ideas for disclosing to a new friend?

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lionhrt

Here is my story...

I had seen this guy around work for a long time. We were introduced once, and said hello as passing one another every so often. It was weird because it seemed like I had some type of childhood crush going on inside me and I was 36yrs old. I hadnt approached him for real friendship for 2 yrs because I had just been diagnosed with Herpes when I first started this crush. Anyhow, long story short... I finally got the nerve to do so a few months ago. I couldnt believe I got a positive response-- could this guy really want to get to know me better too?? Yes, he did (!) and I was very excited to say the least. Well now its been about 4-5 mos later and we have gotten together a few times to hang out- not that many due to our conflicting schedules. However, I feel comfortable with him, and he seems to be quite accepting with different things as we get to know one another in conversation. We have already engaged in a lot of kissing, and the last time we got together it got fairly intimate. We had oral sex.. well I went down on him, but I didnt allow him to do the same to me. I just gave him signals that I wasnt really interested in that, although I normally have no problem with it. I did though have a conversation with him saying that I didnt want to have intercourse until we got to know one another better. He was sooooo cool about that and said that is fine- whenever we feel ready then we can persue that. He has touched me but with his hands though. I was actually so on guard with that too... kind of making sure that he didnt touch himself with the same hand he had touched me with... but I think he may have once during that time. I believe its time to tell him that I have Herpes. I am nervous about his reaction. I dont feel that I have put him at much risk as I didnt have any OBs at the time, but I am educated enough to know shedding is always possible, and any intimacy is risky. I think its best to tell him in person, but I have told a few men in the past with mixed responses, some positive, some negative. The difference this time is that I care for this man much more then I have cared about anyone in a very long time. I dont want it going bad. Any suggestions on how to disclose that I have HSV to him?

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lizabeth

maybe start with a coldsore conversation and lead to that you have it in another location... and fact about how it's not screened for in standart testing and so there are many that have it and aren't aware...

But you are aware and you're wanting to protect him b/c you like him enough to be honest ...

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Butterfly of the Moment

From what I have heard....sit him down someplace you are comfortable and be upfront. I heard it's best not to introduce it as "no big deal" but rather say something along the lines of..."I wanted to tell you why I'm hesitant to have sex so soon I wanted to be sure that I could trust you and that we could connect on more than just a physical level. I have genital herpes. I know that you may have some preconcieved notions on what GH actually is. I'm not going to ask you to make a decision on whether or not you still want to develop this relationship with me but I will ask you to research it on your own. I really like you and I know that the risk of transmission is very low if we're careful." He may be upset that you waited a while before telling him about the virus, but after he's thought about it the response may be favorable if he truly cares. You can also tell him how you revealing this part of yourself makes you feel. I hope it works out for you. :rolleyes:

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lionhrt

Thanks for the advise. I really appreciate it! Keep it coming. I need this anxiety to ease.......

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OopsNowWhat

Totally off subject but.......

I'll never get how people see oral sex as no big deal. I'd bang a girl before I put her genitals in my mouth.......

Nothing personal towards you either lionhrt. Gotta love the oral....

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lionhrt

Wow... I get what you are saying... I really do! I get just as angry sometimes too. I am not the kind of woman that wants to purposely hurt anyone. I too didnt ask for what I got either--Noone gave me a choice. I know that you said "nothing personal to you Lionhrt" to me, but putting that on this thread has made me feel incredibly horrible. As I wrote that info, I was clearly aware that I may have made a mistake with how my involvment may have already been too much with him. I have already been feeling a bit guilty so I was asking for sincere responses on how to help me resolve the problem now, not to feel worse about my position. Please next time start your own threads if you want to do that.

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DEALINGWITHITnow

I'm with you LIONHRT. It would be very hard to tell someone that you have H . I am afraid that if I share that with someone,they would get very mad & start telling others about my H problem. I would feel like everyone was looking at me & thinking oh my god! HE'S GOT H ! It would be very unconfortable.I am very private about my H . What do you think? Thanks & good luck.

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OopsNowWhat

Sorry. I'm a jackass. Just ignore me and feel better.

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lionhrt

Just an update. I told my friend last night that I had herpes. He was quiet and just listened to what I had to say. I didnt cry like I had in the past as I was disclosing... it was difficult but I did it. I was proud of myself. I said that it was why I had been so hesitant with him. After I was done he asked some questions like when did I get it, how often are my breakouts, and do I use condoms. I told him 2yrs(3 summers) ago and the circumstances around that time period. I was honest and also disclosed the frequency of my OBs and that I was on maintenaince meds and vitamins, and that of course safe sex is a must. I mentioned that I had no OBs while we've had the contact we had had already. I said if he has other questions he can ask. He just said... it must have been really hard for you during this time.. I agreed. I also said that he can take all the time he wants to think things thru, and that I know I would, and if feels uncomfortable with anything we can talk about it, and that I will not be angry if he chooses to not persue the relationship at this point. He said he doesnt think that will happen-atleast for this reason. . I asked him again if he had any other questions- and then he says... so can I kiss you now?

Wow... there are good people out there.

Thanks everyone.

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lifesstillgood

Lionhrt I am so happy things worked out for you. That being said, dont you worry that a potential partner could have something much worse then herpes. Instead of telling a potential partner that you have herpes maybe you can suggest that the two of you both get tested for all STD's. This way you are on equal playing field and you have also protected yourself. Just a thought.

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Butterfly of the Moment

Ohh what a good guy you've got there. I'm glad that he readily accepted you when you confided in him. It takes a mature and caring person to do that. Take care.

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lionhrt

Thanks so much Butterfly..., I read your very well articulated post about a dozen times that night before he came by. Normally I think similar to you but for some reason I just couldnt get the words together this time. I hope everyone remembers that even the littlest posts sometimes hit us in just the right manner where it makes a real difference to someones life. Keep up the great B-- its appreciated! :cool:

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